Was I in the wrong? Made dh angry enough to storm off in public

[DirkGentlysSecretary]

I started a thread a couple of days ago about dh, can't link as on phone but will try to post the link later.

Today he just walked off on me in the supermarket. I'd had to go and help my mum do some shopping somewhere else but both dh and I needed to go to the supermarket so arranged to meet there later, him bringing the kids. We arranged to meet just inside the entrance but i couldn't see him so got on with my shopping.

Halfway through I saw him walking out of the supermarket with a big shopping bag and thought Oh no, he's finished? I should hurry up and finish. He texted as I was paying, I told him where I was (usually no phone signal there) and went to meet him but he'd vanished somewhere inside the supermarket again.

When he found me he was really pissed off,, muttering about wasted time. I said I'd thought we were meeting inside, he said obviously outside, he's been waiting for ages and hadn't even started shopping. I said we needed better communication, as I was sure he meant inside. He was stroppy (obviously waiting 20 mins with a 5 & 3 year old is pretty horrible and I did feel bad.

I offered to wait with the trolley (already paid for my stuff so didn't want to risk taking it through tills again and looking like a shoplifter! ) and kids then swap at the end and pay for the shopping as I wanted to steal the nectar points. He just said, "go home, I've had enough of you, just go." I said I really didn't mind waiting and I wanted to pay rather than make him pay by he just shouted at me to go home and leave him alone, he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I took oldest home, and he stormed off with youngest in the buggy, wouldn't let me take him, just stormed off

I know I probably came across a bit stroppy with my better communication comment, but I calmly offered a solution and offered to pay and he just stormed off. That's not right is it? He got home a minute ago and my heart is thumping as I don't want to talk to him/get shouted at/ignored (probably ignored)

So your frightened of his reaction ?

You are trying really hard to not invoke his anger here OP which is quite worrying

Sorry for the bits that don't make sense. "By" should be"but".. My phone is possessed by a twat sometimes

human Yes and no. He might just pretend it didn't happen (but I don't think I can) or he might be really off with me and not talk to me until tomorrow.

He's winding up the kids now by saying youngest ate oldest's chocolate (a lie - why??) Ds1 is in floods of tears.

When he came home with ds2, ds2 said where's mummy, dh replied "I don't care".

I can't go down and be normal I just can't. But then I think it's probably all my fault and I'm a bitch to live with.

It's the 'Just go home!' Instruction that gets me. Does he think he has the right to speak to you like that?! Myers I get the annoyance of the busy supermarket, can't see the person you're meant to see meeting etc, then filming out they'd already been round, but the minute he came out with that, it was game over.

When you go home, try to avoid confrontation with him. Try to say let's talk later when we've both calmed down. Then go elsewhere and busy yourself. Then hash out that comment. And by that I mean, issue an instruction that he lost the argument when he used that tone, and the way forwards now is an apology from him x

Just remembered, I called to him as he stormed off, nothing aggressive at all, just "ok, shall I.." in a normal voice but one that he would have heard, he just carried on walking looking so pissed off. People were staring at me and I felt so embarrassed. Sorry for rambling on, just want to write it down so I can't forget and deny.

Not on your nelly is it all your fault nor are you a bitch.

He sounds like an abusive twunt.

So he said he had been waiting for you the whole time and not started his shopping, despite the fact you'd seen him walk out with a bag of shopping? Did you call him on that? You'd also texted him to say where you were.

What do you mean by 'make him pay', does it matter whose card buys the shopping? I know you wanted the Nectar points but not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Although none of us are at our finest when managing two small children in a supermarket on a Saturday afternoon, it doesn't sound like you've done anything to warrant stomping off with one of the children. And particularly not (a) the continuation back at home and (b) the spiteful behaviour towards your children.

It's not your fault. He just wants you to think it is.

Its such a minor thing for him to get this angry over. Hes dragging the kids into it.

The situation would have annoyed me enormously and I probably would have thrown a strop in your DH's place. But then calmed down when we got home, talked about better communication and done over the top communication about exact spots and times for meeting up after.

The 'I've had enough of you', comments to the kids that he doesn't care about mummy, winding them up to the point of tears are more worrying as he just doesn't sound very nice.

Reminds me of a few things my dad did to my mum. I would sort this out before he starts doing it when you go out with friends and other occassions.

So he lied when he said he hadn't starting shopping yet.

And he is lying to your kid so that you get dragged in and then he can start on you again.

Does he always behave this badly OP?

tribpot sorry, it fits sound odd! just got a nectar credit card so extra points if I used my card. Also, he's been made redundant so I wanted to use my money not his. So I thought offering to pay would be a nice thing. Re the big bag, it was empty, it just looked full as it was a giant reusable one so my mistake. But I couldn't understand why he was going outside if he hadn't finished.

something if I try to talk about this he will get arsey, storm off, ignore me. There will be An Atmosphere.

You are scared of his reaction. That just isn't good and indicative of a bigger problem than this incident.

And he sulks. That's abusive.

And that's before we get onto his behaviour. It was a mix-up. Yes being a bit pissed off is understandable. Getting over it is what usually happens. Not you trying to bend over backwards making it better for him and him brushing you off and making it much worse than it needs to be. Big power differential going on there. Really controlling.

You mentioned your earlier thread... it's here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2104154-Vaguely-critical-dh-would-this-annoy-you?

He's being ridiculous and controlling. He's even happy to hurt your children, by lying to them about chocolate and saying he doesn't care where you are. Children don't need to be part of adult arguments, especially not one as petty and childish as this (I'm referring to him, not you here).

And why lie to your children ?

I call twunt too. Manipulative, mardy arsed twunt to boot.

I couldn't live with someone who publicly humiliated me, who involved tiny innocent children in our arguments and deliberately upset them, who I was scared of coming home to.
how utterly miserable for you. I could cry for your kids.
life does not have to be this way.
it Is not your fault he is abusive.
dont down play this
your kids see anf hear this stuff and they are affected

Oh and living with An Atmosphere as a child is shit. I can't stress how damaging this is for your children. They will start to learn that sulking is the way you get people to run around after you placating you.

Do you really want to have to live like this for the rest of your life? What does he bring to the party?

Honestly if my husband said to me 'go home I've had enough of you' I would tell him to stick the nectar points up his arse. Patronising twat. You are both the adults. He doesn't get to speak to you like a child. He actually sounds like a spoilt brat.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful :(

He is being abusive and he is dragging the children into it.

This is no way to live.

Sounds like this is all part of a bigger picture.
You modify what you do (keep quiet) because you fear his reaction.
Therefore, he is controlling you.

And pretending nothing happened is gaslighting.
Everyone gets mardy now and again but what normal people do is calm down and take a deep breath and have somekind of mutual apology.

And normal people don't deliberately make their children cry. My x did and he is a prize twunt.

No you weren't in the wrong. But you know that really don't you?

He's insecure about his looks, knows you are too, yet makes silly digs at you. He doesn't introduce you to his friend when you've just got married....it's all a bit...odd isn't it?

Stand up for yourself. Cards on the table about the way he speaks to you?

God another man-child who can't communicate & blames it on the DW.

I would ignore him & his sulks totally, just chat chat chat at him & the kids & carry on the evening routine.

If he is mardy tell him to go away till he can calmly talk about what was upsetting him.

Probably his ego having been made redundant , but his behaviour is controlling and your reactions to it classic egg-shell walking reaction. If you are scared of his response that is worrying.

I was going to say that he sounds like a stroppy twunt. Now I see that he's the critical H from that thread I can see why you want to catalogue these things so that you can't forget or minimise. Please carry on noting things that bother you and put together a picture of how unacceptable his behaviour is.

With reassurance from others who have been in your situation you can, in time, assess your options and decide if you want to live like this forever or whether you feel strong enough to LTB. The problem is, the longer you put up with it, the more your confidence is eroded, the more normal it all seems and the less you feel able to make the leap.

Keep posting, keep listening and know that you always have a choice.

Read your other thread. He sounds like a cunt.