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Original poster

Was I in the wrong? Made dh angry enough to storm off in public

81 replies

DirkGentlysSecretary · 14/06/2014 18:29

I started a thread a couple of days ago about dh, can't link as on phone but will try to post the link later.

Today he just walked off on me in the supermarket. I'd had to go and help my mum do some shopping somewhere else but both dh and I needed to go to the supermarket so arranged to meet there later, him bringing the kids. We arranged to meet just inside the entrance but i couldn't see him so got on with my shopping.

Halfway through I saw him walking out of the supermarket with a big shopping bag and thought Oh no, he's finished? I should hurry up and finish. He texted as I was paying, I told him where I was (usually no phone signal there) and went to meet him but he'd vanished somewhere inside the supermarket again.

When he found me he was really pissed off,, muttering about wasted time. I said I'd thought we were meeting inside, he said obviously outside, he's been waiting for ages and hadn't even started shopping. I said we needed better communication, as I was sure he meant inside. He was stroppy (obviously waiting 20 mins with a 5 & 3 year old is pretty horrible and I did feel bad.

I offered to wait with the trolley (already paid for my stuff so didn't want to risk taking it through tills again and looking like a shoplifter! ) and kids then swap at the end and pay for the shopping as I wanted to steal the nectar points. He just said, "go home, I've had enough of you, just go." I said I really didn't mind waiting and I wanted to pay rather than make him pay by he just shouted at me to go home and leave him alone, he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I took oldest home, and he stormed off with youngest in the buggy, wouldn't let me take him, just stormed off Angry

I know I probably came across a bit stroppy with my better communication comment, but I calmly offered a solution and offered to pay and he just stormed off. That's not right is it? He got home a minute ago and my heart is thumping as I don't want to talk to him/get shouted at/ignored (probably ignored) Sad

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 14/06/2014 19:34

No excuse for the rudeness or pulling the DCs into it, or dragging it on for so long. But...I can't see why he would react that way! What would make someone behave like that?

How does he feel about separate money? I mean, would it have been a red flag for him for you to offer to pay, as if you were being either smug or superior, when he wants a joint/team effort and not separate accounts? Maybe he felt you were having a dig at him about being out of work and not providing the food?

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 14/06/2014 19:36

I mean, apart from being a cunt.

I've behaved pretty cuntishly in my time, so trying to figure it out.

Money worries can have a huge affect on relationships.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/06/2014 19:39

He sounds like a nob and bringing the kids in to his attitude problem stinks.

Good luck with that one.

wafflyversatile · 14/06/2014 19:46

Well he may well be an arse but you said yourself you arranged to meet just inside the entrance as you thought the arrangement was but when you didn't see him you immediately went right in and started shopping without trying to communicate that to him. He was stood outside as he thought the arrangement was waiting with the kids for 20 minutes. If you'd been 'just inside the entrance' as you thought the arrangement was he would have been able to see you. you saw him but didn't try to communicate to him where you were then. He eventually texted you to find out where you are and you told him you need to communicate better.

Having not stuck to the arrangement and not communicated the fact you were not sticking to the arrangement you told him you need better communication. I'd be annoyed too.

ouryve · 14/06/2014 19:49

Your better communication comment was a perfectly valid one to make. If he wasn't an arsehole, he wouldn't have reacted like that.

ThePinkOcelot · 14/06/2014 19:49

I haven't read all of the thread OP, so sorry if this has already been asked, but why do you each do your own shopping? I don't understand. Why don't you just shop as a family?

DoingItForMyself · 14/06/2014 19:51

Good point pink.

ouryve · 14/06/2014 19:52

Reading on, he went out of his way to humiliate you. Given the way he behaves with the kids, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd understood him perfectly well, but he'd deliberately done something else just to mess with you - then lost it with you when you didn't play the whoops, silly me getting it all wrong card.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/06/2014 19:53

Even so waffly op actions don't merit the was he spoke to her or the way he is behaving with the kids.

wafflyversatile · 14/06/2014 19:54

I didn't say they did.

LineRunner · 14/06/2014 20:04

I just the other thread. It's no way to live, OP.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 14/06/2014 20:13

Ffs she made a mistake-that is no reason for him to be such a twunt. Just read your other thread, think this behaviour is just going to escalate until he totally undermines your sense of self. Call him on it every time, calmly and reasonably. If he keeps getting huffy, well you know what to do.

ConfusedDotty · 14/06/2014 20:32

Scared of your partner? That's a big no no even if you had done something wrong, which you didn't. Child and control freak comes to mind.

Original poster
DirkGentlysSecretary · 14/06/2014 20:47

waffly that's what i was giving myself a hard time Fir. At the time it made sense to me, the supermarket is on a long straight road, I was coming from one end, he was coming from the other. When I didn't see him inside I popped out and looked down the road but couldn't see him so knew he was either already inside or was still a way away. I checked back on the entrance as I was going round until I saw him going out, then I rushed through my shopping to get to him. Didn't follow him out as I didn't want to abandon my trolley, no signal on phone until the tills.. etc etc. Smile

We don't do separate shopping intentionally, either one of us pays and it evens out. We don't have a joint account as he's not british, and we weren't sure if he could. He could only open a basic current account. We split the bills very evenly and it works fine, no resentment either side.

OP posts:
Original poster
DirkGentlysSecretary · 14/06/2014 21:05

Ok, to add to the mess this is.. I don't even know where to start. I'll try to make it as brief as I can.

He used to be vertically abusive; only (ha! Only!) when we argued. He would be incapable of having a rational discussion. Would call me stupid. A freak. A loser. He wished he'd never married me. He hated me. I could go on. Finally stonewalling, ignoring, until things just died back to normal. No real apology. Just, "that's the way we argue in my family. I don't really mean any of it so you shouldn't be upset." Confused

He can't handle our sensitive but lovely 5yo ds. Ds is going through that "I hate you! " stage. Dh responds with, "yeah, I hate you too" which just breaks my heart.I'm letting this happen and I hate myself for it. I had to grow up listening to step parents telling me I was useless, not wanted, in the way, terrible like my father, a stupid cow. I hate those bastards, I was a really nice child, I didn't deserve that. How it feels coming from your real parent, I mean. . Awful. How can he do that? I've talked , yelled, reasoned. He accused me of being controlling and not letting him parent his way Shock He then read on the Internet that it was a horrible way to parent and was all "oh, I should stop doing that, I just read that it's really bad." There are no words.

He told me last night he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. He sys He's rubbish at it and can't cope. He's gone from full time work to redundancy, childminder is on holiday so he was main carer and he's really struggled. But if I asked him to leave he wouldn't go. .

I just want to protect them and I don't know if he can sort himself out when he gets back to work or not. I could cope on my own, no question about that. I can't love him properly after all this. I know what you're all going to say, and I agree, and I'm so grateful to everyone for listening. But if we split up he'll have to go home and will find it very difficult to see the kids. I'd feel awful for that , for all of them Sad

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2014 21:11

Dirk... Your situation is awful. I'm so sorry. Sad

Do you find yourself holding your breath sometimes? It sounds like you're waiting for the hammer to fall all the time. I wouldn't ever accept my husband saying to my child - in retaliation or for any reason - that he 'hates him too'. How do you feel about that?

If you really mean that you want to protect your children then you know what that means. It's not your doing, it's his. He needs to find a way to see his children but you don't need to be instrumental in facilitating that. I think that could be an excuse and it's holding you back. You deserve a hell of a lot better and even NOBODY is better than him.

Original poster
DirkGentlysSecretary · 14/06/2014 21:38

lying I feel full of anger that he could talk to our kids that way. I feel powerless because he won't listen to me. Heartbroken seeing my son go through that. A fucking awful human being because I'm letting it happen.

If we split, he would go back to his country and probably a low paid job. He wouldn't be able to see them more than once a year if that.

On the way home ds1 says he doesn't want a daddy anymore. Could we have a new one? Or could we have no daddy? I told him that families come in all shapes and sizes, some families don't have dads and some do but the most important thing is that everyone is safe and happy. I have to stick by that, but what if we break up and he thinks it's because of what he said?

And thank you lying Thanks

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 14/06/2014 21:46

On the way home ds1 says he doesn't want a daddy anymore. Could we have a new one? Or could we have no daddy? I told him that families come in all shapes and sizes, some families don't have dads and some do but the most important thing is that everyone is safe and happy. I have to stick by that, but what if we break up and he thinks it's because of what he said?

He will probably be overjoyed that he is at last, safe and happy.

wafflyversatile · 14/06/2014 21:49

something needs to change for your children's sake. I have no idea if therapy would work for him but I guess it's that or to separate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2014 22:08

Dirk... Your son will NOT think that it's down to him that his dad is elsewhere because you won't allow him to think this. If you break up, you will handle it with sensitivity and commonsense in way that your children will understand. I know you will do it this way because you want what's best for your children, you love them and would never hurt them... and this they KNOW.

Have a little faith in yourself because your children trust you blindly, they know that you will do what is best for them. Your husband isn't being 'made angry' by you, he's an angry person without concept of filters or 'brakes'. That is not good enough for you and it isn't good enough for your children.

It is so easy to say this but really, you will not know what a fearless, stress-free day is like until you remove the root of the fear and stress from it. Your children are young, you are young and you have your whole lives to enjoy ahead of you. Your husband has elected not to behave in a reasonable manner and he needs to be where you are and the children are not in his path because he has no control. He should, he's an adult. If he moves away then that is his choice. He can not be living with you and still be a good father but again, that is what he would elect to do. He has that choice.

Your children are telling you what you already know, Dirk. If you think that giving your husband an ultimatum of 'never again' will work then do it. But already formulate your next steps because that will empower you forwards and you'll not be frozen again by this man's horrible behaviour.

By Christmas this year, Dirk, it could all be so very different... Thanks

Viviennemary · 14/06/2014 22:12

I haven't read any of the other threads. But going on this one alone it just sounds like he was stressed out and wanted to go home rather than hang about waiting. He'd just had enough. People do get a bit short tempered in busy supermarkets with DC's in tow and in this hot weather.

crispyporkbelly · 14/06/2014 22:17

Shop online, especially if you have small kids. Not worth the hassle

Original poster
DirkGentlysSecretary · 14/06/2014 22:29

Thank you lying so much Thanks

I will be rereading that a lot!!

OP posts:
LineRunner · 14/06/2014 22:38

Good luck, Dirk, please start taking the steps you need.

Original poster
DirkGentlysSecretary · 14/06/2014 22:38

viv & crispy

Thread appears to have moved on slightly. I hate shopping too, but it doesn't turn me into a bully in my everyday life. .

OP posts: