Was I in the wrong? Made dh angry enough to storm off in public

[DirkGentlysSecretary]

I started a thread a couple of days ago about dh, can't link as on phone but will try to post the link later.

Today he just walked off on me in the supermarket. I'd had to go and help my mum do some shopping somewhere else but both dh and I needed to go to the supermarket so arranged to meet there later, him bringing the kids. We arranged to meet just inside the entrance but i couldn't see him so got on with my shopping.

Halfway through I saw him walking out of the supermarket with a big shopping bag and thought Oh no, he's finished? I should hurry up and finish. He texted as I was paying, I told him where I was (usually no phone signal there) and went to meet him but he'd vanished somewhere inside the supermarket again.

When he found me he was really pissed off,, muttering about wasted time. I said I'd thought we were meeting inside, he said obviously outside, he's been waiting for ages and hadn't even started shopping. I said we needed better communication, as I was sure he meant inside. He was stroppy (obviously waiting 20 mins with a 5 & 3 year old is pretty horrible and I did feel bad.

I offered to wait with the trolley (already paid for my stuff so didn't want to risk taking it through tills again and looking like a shoplifter! ) and kids then swap at the end and pay for the shopping as I wanted to steal the nectar points. He just said, "go home, I've had enough of you, just go." I said I really didn't mind waiting and I wanted to pay rather than make him pay by he just shouted at me to go home and leave him alone, he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I took oldest home, and he stormed off with youngest in the buggy, wouldn't let me take him, just stormed off

I know I probably came across a bit stroppy with my better communication comment, but I calmly offered a solution and offered to pay and he just stormed off. That's not right is it? He got home a minute ago and my heart is thumping as I don't want to talk to him/get shouted at/ignored (probably ignored)

It sounds like he needs counselling. He has anger problems and problems of dealing with his redundency and being a parent. CBT would help, if he would go to doctor and get help.

But if, as I imagine is the case, he can't or won't go and get the help he needs and work towards better health, then yes, you're right to take action and protect your son and yourself.

Oh my god you have married a complete wanker. Please do something about it.

Sorry Dirk but I cannot understand why on earth anyone would choose to be with someone so repulsive (read both threads.) I understand that breaking up a marriage is hard, but how did you ever come to get back with him in the early days, when you dumped him for telling you to fuck off when you dared to try to speak to him while he was with his friends??

I'm distressed by the words of a five year old about his father. I think damage is being done and your focus should be on preventing more.

OP I would imagine that your children are suffering more than you realise - you have to do whatever is necessary to protect them and yourselves.

Your husband is an adult and his relationship (or lack of) with his kids is his responsibility - not yours.

If he has to go home and have minimal contact then IMO that would be a very good thing

Op I lived with a horrid man for years. In your post you mention your heart thumping when he arrived home. Fuck I remember that feeling, I promise you I have not had that feeling for years and it is amazing.

Worryingly I bet your kids get that feeling too. Dread when he walks through the door.

If he moves home and doesn't see them often that's his decision you can't make him have a good relationship with them. However only you can stop his behaviour towards them, they cannot just up and leave him only you can initiate that.

Your ds won't blame himself for you two splitting up because you won't let that happen.

Life can be great dirk, mines wonderful now, next time your heart thumps imagine the fun you could be having with your kids if he wasn't there.

You sound like you are getting hung up on the details, the size of the bag, the Nectar points. Look at the bigger picture here OP. He was openly abusing you in public. If my DH spoke to me the way yours did to you (he wouldn't by the way) he would be wearing a tin of beans in his skull (Branston - lovely!) It's abuse. He sounds like an abusive abuser. You need to tell him you are aware that he is abusing you and you won't have it. He will minimise, bluster and bluff but you need to remain rigid in your assertion that you won't put up with it. He sounds like a right pillock!

He sounds like an arsehole. Sorry.

Please please do as your DS has asked. It was brave of him to do so. Get the abuser out of regular intimate contact with your DCs. They are being damaged and they are so vulnerable to damage OP.

This is horrible isn't it. I know I must look I'm burying my head in the sand but I am taking all this in. Tried to talk to him last night. Apparently he was completely within his rights to storm off as my reaction to him when we met up was terrible. It wasn't! I was confused and surprised, not shouting and swearing. He told me I need to modify my reactions, then he won't have to storm off. Wtf? Wtaf?? He couldn't get the hypocrisy that if he's ranting I have to stay perfectly calm but if I rant he has the right to swear, insult me and storm off in public.

I told him this and (calmly but firmly) told him how unreasonable that was. He was angry at first, then apologetic. Blamed the stress of it being Fathers day and he can't meet his family as they live thousands of miles away, so he feels sad and homesick and stressed. I really feel for him, but is not a good excuse to treat people like this.

He's promised never to tell ds1 he hates him again, or anything negative. But he still thinks I'm over reacting, controlling and forcing him to parent a regimented way.He thinks saying that is"joking" and not harmful at all. Again, wtf.

I'm just wiped out today. Can't think straight.

I don't understand why he 'has' to go home if you split up. You call him DH so are presumably married.

This sounds like emotional blackmail. Yes he might choose to go to his home country, but it surely is a choice even if he would get a better job there or something.

I would walk over hot coals and work 4 menial jobs if it meant I stayed near my children and saw them regularly.

This 'having to move away' thing seems to come frequently from some non-resident parents and I've never understood it tbh.

I really think you should get rid. He is telling you he is not being a good father and you should listen.

I really feel for him, but is not a good excuse to treat people like this.

Aw bless you - you live with a cunt and he has turned it around so that you feel sorry for him.

Dirk - your son has given you a considered opinion based on an observation over time. This is not about him feeling bad about Father's Day - that is purely given as a reason to weedle himself out of the situation because you called him on it.

Wake up and smell the fucking coffee. WTF indeed.

I feel so sorry for your little boy. For him to say "can we have a new daddy or no daddy" he must be really hurting and angry.

I would be fed up in your shoes but before i join in with the LTB, talk to him when the children are in bed, ask him if he is happy?

I would have been cross at waiting outside of supermarket but I wouldn't have been so rude. It sounds like the supermarket situation isn't really the core of the issues. Were the weird comments about your appearence recently? Has he always been like this?

Has his behaviour changed since he was made redundant?

My ex was hyper critical and when I left him he sought help and actually was very very depressed (had a breakdown and medication) I wished I had taken him to the GP rather walk on egg shells.

Just caught up on the thread, I wouldn't entertain anymore of his behaviour unless he agreed to counselling or mediation.

He is clearly not coping with family life and redundancy. Is there a friend he could stay with if you had a temporary break?

Father's Day? He worries about his dad being far away, and he is a shit dad to his own children. Does that not strike you as a pretty lame excuse?

Why is he thinking about his dad Shen he should be thinking about being ghe best dad HE can be?

Is it even Father's Day in his home home country today?

I think he could be depressed. He's thousands of miles away from home, trying to deal with being made redundant and finding a job while not being confident with his English. It's a lot of pressure for him. But even when we were living in his country and he was working he had episodes like this as he was tired and stressed. Apparently it's ok to take all this out on me as I'm "family" and should put up with it. If I get stressed I'm a bitch though obviously!

Of course he's not like this all the time. I know it's still shit though.

He won't go to counselling, won't go to the doctors, won't go to stay with a friend.

OP, just read both your threads, please look up"the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. Best book I ever read. I feel terrible saying this but sometimes I would wish that XH would just hit me one time so I could clearly identify what he was doing as abuse.

This book made me realise that there are many forms of abuse and he is slowly changing your perception of reality and making you question yourself. But whatever the crime he thinks you committed his reactions are still over the top.

He sulks. You are walking on eggshells. You are scared to be too happy or confident because he will find something to criticise you about. Honey, It's no way to live.

Then he is using you. He isn't investing in improving his relationship with you. It won't gwt any better unless he does, and you can only do so much unilaterally. You cannot change him, it has to come from inside of him. If he loses you, it could be the motivation he needs to get help and change, but it sounds as if he has too much vested interest to stay the way he is and not take responsibility for his own behaviour.

I haven't read your other threads btw. I think you're right that he is depressed. It is good that he could listen to your reasoning and accept that he was unreasonable, and apologise. That won't make very much difference though, unless he gets some help to sort out his self esteem and sense of self and his depression. You can't give him that (on your own) it needs to be someone he isn't connected with.

Please please just end this already! I am fed up
Just having skim read - havent even started on your previous thread.

Who can live like this - such a huge issue over a supermarket meet up? Honestly life is too short! You have your whole life (and bigger issues) ahead of you.

He is an adult. You are not responsible for his behaviour or his life. But you are responsible for your children. Get out of this situation - honestly.

Where is he from OP?

Having read both the threads it is definitely a situation that must change.

Is he willing to acknowledge his failings and work towards a future?

If he isn't then I think ltb is your only option.

Apparently it's ok to take all this out on me as I'm "family" and should put up with it.

Well obviously it's not. But I'm more concerned for your children who have no control over this and one is already telling you there is a problem.

Op please don't look for reasons why.
Read Lundy. Abusers are not abusive and controlling because they are depressed or because they have no job.

They are abusive and controlling because they want to be because they get something out of it. They get their own way and nothing ever has to be their fault. Even when you finally get them to admit their behaviour is wrong it still isn't their fault it is homesickness or depression.

How does making you and your dcs feel shit treat his depression. It doesn't.

And the reason why he said you are not allowed to talk reasonably when he is shouting is because really, you are not supposed to talk at all. You are just supposed to do what you are told.

It is no way to live, voiceless, controlled, frightened waiting for the right 'fix' that will stop him being an arsehole.

He is an arsehole because it suits him because he gets something out of it.

You are feeling a lot more sorry for him than he deserves OP. I would focus on your kids instead. They need more support and would be better off not being around all this.

Oh your poor DS, he sounds so unhappy.

Please put your DCs before your abusive DH. They are so small and vulnerable.
Your DH is much worse than having no dad at all. NO parent should ever tell a DC he hates him or his mum. Very damaging and totally unacceptable.