Is he abusive, or am I an idiot.

[finestvirginia]

Been with DH for 20 years and we have two teenagers - one about to go to uni and one doing GCSEs.

We have had ups and downs. From when we met DH has always had 'problems' - it was his finals, getting a graduate job, me getting pregnant, pressures of career, money, stress of being a new dad etc etc etc

His way of dealing with problems used to be having 'rages' Shouting, saying horrid things to me, smashing my things, throwing stuff.

Several years ago he found a better way of dealing with stress by having an affair with a colleague.

After the affair we tried again, this coincided with me being out of work for 2 years and being on hand to run around after him. He loved it.

Recently I've secured a full time professional role, have made new friends and am having a life.

He's started having rages again. He's broken my alarm clock, a plug socket and has been shitty with me tonight for spilling something on the kitchen floor (after I'd cooked)

I do everything by the way, despite working longer hours. He has friends and comes and goes as he pleases.

everything has to be about him.

I need objective thoughts.

He is abusive.

He is abusive.

He really is not very nice to you at all. I would be very frightened by this sort of behaviour.

I'm sorry but yes he's very abusive. I'm no good at giving advice on this section but I'm keeping this bumped for you so the more experienced ones will get to you xx

If you saw someone else write all that down, what conclusion would you draw?

Abusive weirdo.

Smashing your property, yelling, name calling .....i am struggling to see what part of his behaviour isn't abusive? It's completely "normal" to have never been called a name by a loved one, to never have had anything damaged, to have never been yelled at. That is "normal". None of what you describe fits the bill, i am so sorry. And now he wants to sabotage your new found freedom? Hardly a surprise.....

How do DC react to his rages?

After 20 years you are in a fog, having to ask for objective thoughts.

I would recommend going for counselling for yourself. NOT couples couselling.

He is abusive.

Yep, he's abusive. Sorry

Time is limited in this life.
What do you get out of this?

Do you spend a lot of your time walking on eggshells and wondering what mood he might be in / how he will react if you have to work late / what he will say if you go out for drinks with your colleagues?

That sounds like a really shit way to live your life - I'm sorry. No, you're not an idiot but you do need to make something change.

What would you say to either of your children if they told you that their partner was treating them like this?

He's horrible to you and you are starting to imagine life without him. What about your kids, how is he with them? Would they care if he wasn't there and they only saw him once a week? Would you?

My god. I'm so confused. He's not awful everyday and its so hard to convey it all.

I think I do a lot of egg shell walking. For instance if on a work morning we run out of coffee or toilet roll or if he cant find something historically he has had a tantrum. I'm always on top of this stuff now so it's not an issue.

The other night I went out with friends (from 7 - 10) he seemed fine with it. We went to bed and the radio was 'too quiet' I just lay in bed while he was faffing with it. It ended up with him throwing the radio across our room whilst calling me a cunt for not helping him.

It has then occurred to me this week that loads of nice times have been sabotaged by him.

But then I wonder if I'm reading too much into it all.

Everyone else seems to think that he's great.

The kids think he's annoying, out of touch and a bit overbearing. He has this tendency of having to be the expert on everything which really irritates them.

"He has a tantrum"

This is a full grown man, a father of two. You walk in egg shells, he cheated on you, he smashed things up and has rages.

He's abusive.

You're not reading too much into it. It sounds like you're reading too little into it.

His behaviour is controlling in the extreme. You seem to be doing everything you can to make sure that he has nothing to react to. It must be exhausting.

He is blaming you for things that are not your fault.

He behaves badly to try and make you feel guilty.

Please phone Women's Aid and talk this through with them.

I don't know you or him but from what you have said you are not reading ENOUGH into it all. Calling you a cunt and throwing his toys out of the pram? This is a spoilt little boy, not a life partner.

Life is so short, so short. Please don't waste any more of your precious time with this toddler.

You're not an idiot.
He is abusive.

I am exhausted. That's so right.

OP, he is most certainly abusive. Abusive partners are rarely horrible 100% of the time. This flipping between nice and nasty can make you feel like you're going mad.

Throwing things sounds like very frightening behaviour. Calling your partner a cunt.... OP, this is not normal. You do not have to live like this. This is not how relationships have to be. It sounds like you have been living like this for so long that you have no idea what healthy interaction looks like any more. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Please keep posting - I hope that reading other people's reactions will help you to see how dreadful his behaviour is

Does any of the following make any sense? Apologies if I'm completely wrong.

Narcissistic personality disorder
A person with a narcissistic personality disorder swings between seeing themselves as special and fearing they are worthless. They may act as if they have an inflated sense of their own importance and show an intense need for other people to look up to them.

Other symptoms include:

•exaggerating their own achievements and abilities
•thinking they are entitled to be treated better than other people
•exploiting other people for their own personal gain
•lacking empathy for other people's weaknesses

•looking down on people they feel are ‘beneath’ them, while feeling deeply envious of people they see as being ‘above’ them

All abusers have periods of being charming or nice, it keeps you so off-balance you fail to see the abuse for what it is, or fall for the oldest trap of all: it's my fault, he could behave this way all the time if I didn't set him off.

Listen to yourself - you have to stay on top of the coffee situation at all times to prevent a tantrum in the morning. WTF! He wants a domestic servant, not a wife. The only time in your entire marriage that he's been happy is when you were at your most vulnerable and powerless. That's lovely.

Yes he is. No you're not.