Is he abusive, or am I an idiot.

[finestvirginia]

Been with DH for 20 years and we have two teenagers - one about to go to uni and one doing GCSEs.

We have had ups and downs. From when we met DH has always had 'problems' - it was his finals, getting a graduate job, me getting pregnant, pressures of career, money, stress of being a new dad etc etc etc

His way of dealing with problems used to be having 'rages' Shouting, saying horrid things to me, smashing my things, throwing stuff.

Several years ago he found a better way of dealing with stress by having an affair with a colleague.

After the affair we tried again, this coincided with me being out of work for 2 years and being on hand to run around after him. He loved it.

Recently I've secured a full time professional role, have made new friends and am having a life.

He's started having rages again. He's broken my alarm clock, a plug socket and has been shitty with me tonight for spilling something on the kitchen floor (after I'd cooked)

I do everything by the way, despite working longer hours. He has friends and comes and goes as he pleases.

everything has to be about him.

I need objective thoughts.

Wow, thanks for all the replies. It's a lot to reflect on.

All day I've been listing all the 'tantrums' I can remember. And there's a lot. They coincide with Christmases, events I was looking forward to etc.

Over the years he's punched walls, smashed up phones, thrown glasses, thrown dinners against a wall, called me a cunt and held me responsible for every bad thing that's ever happened. He's also taken no part in big decisions like buying a house. This gives him free reign to moan about wherever we have lived and how shit it is.

Do you think he does this consciously?

I think a major factor is his mother. She micro managed life for him and his brothers. She had no life apart from them and their house. I think he was expecting marriage to be a continuation of that.

It's taken about 18 months for a light bulb to gradually flicker.

Like I said. Lots to think about. Thank you.

Do you think he does this consciously?

We all wonder this, and we eventually realise it doesn't matter. FWIW, my feeling is that the mindset (I'm the boss, I deserve perfection, she's crap) is unconscious insofar as it's embedded from childhood, or the result of faulty brain wiring, or both. The actual decision to rage, throw, punch, etc, is deliberate. It's taken in a micro-second, and may feel driven by unstoppable forces, but it is a choice. No abuser actually thinks it's right & good to hurt other people. Vanishingly few, however, can alter the mindset leading them to do so.

I found it helpful to think of an animal - a big cat, say - which you brought in as a cuddly cub, is part of your family, generally affectionate and playful. It is still a puma/jaguar/leopard, though. If triggered, it will maim & kill you and your (its) family. It doesn't want to. That is its nature. Such a creature is unsuited to life with a human family; so are abusers.

Well done on the list, virginia. That took nerve :)

Hes a cock

Do you think he does this conciously?

Some yes, some no. Some of it he will be doing deliberately without even realising it...which doesn't make sense, but I know what I mean. Take how he often sabotages happy occasions for example...
He probably doesn't get up on those days and think "right...I'm going to ruin her day"...but his sense of self importance is so all prevailing that he certainly doesn't care if he does. His feelings and comfort are paramount, so that comes first.
If he thinks you're too busy enjoying yourself to focus on him and his every nuance, then he'll think nothing of rudely bringing you back into line.

Yes he does it consciously for the simple reason that he consciously doesn't do any of these things with other people. So it's a choice to treat you with contempt and keep you on the back foot. Whether it's rages or destruction or screwing another woman, it's all from the same place i.e. he gets his own way. BTW Be careful of attributing too much of his behaviour to his mother. He's responsible for his own behaviour.

He's also taken no part in big decisions like buying a house. This gives him free reign to moan about wherever we have lived and how shit it is.

Another common tactic of the emotional abuser this. Forcing the victim to assume all responsibility, only to complain bitterly about the choices they make.
As a method of abuse it is very effective, as it lays the victim open to all manner of blame and attack.
It's an awful way to behave. Really heinous.

BTW when faced with a bully there are only two valid courses of action. One is to reject them out of hand (LTB) and the other is to challenge them rather than let anything go (zero tolerance).

BTW did you try again after the affair because you had no job and felt insecure or was that a sheer coincidence? I'm trying to work out why you'd give such an unpleasant man a second chance.

The kids were a lot younger and I was obviously stupid! What was I thinking?

I was so young when we met, I've never known any different. My parents marriage was dysfunctional too.

In addition to all the above he's so fucking miserable all the time. That is also hard to live with!

Ditch his sorry arse OP.
Imagine how much more enjoyable life will be without him.

Of course he does it consciously! He's an adult, he has the ability to control himself and chooses not to. We all (every one of us) know when we are getting to 'the point of no return'. And 99% of us either walk away or use some other mechanism not to make arses out of ourselves or to hurt/damage other people/property. And that's straight from our former marriage counselor right to DH when he said he 'didn't realize' or 'couldn't control himself' when he was angry. She likened it to when you have a too tight pair of shoes on. We all know that feeling and the feeling of release when we take those shoes off. But we don't have the right to impose our stinky feet on others (blowing up). So we wait until we are alone (walking away). Then we go buy a right fitting pair of shoes (learn coping skills).

I want to add; He apparently has the ability to control himself in public or with coworkers, etc. God knows I'm sure he's wanted to clock someone at one time or another but managed to control himself there.

He sounds very much like my DH although mine has been much better lately - all linked to stress outside the home, not that that is in any way an excuse

It's a choice. I realised this when I recognised that my ex didnt throw hot cups of tea up the wall at work or at his mums house...or indeed before I had a baby.

I think that what's brought it home to me is work. A while ago I made a mistake at work, not a massive one, but I was so scared of being 'told off' And everyone's reaction was like 'so what, its a mistake' no drama's or anything.

He's ghastly. If you chucked him out you'd feel better within the week - permanently. You poor thing.

Am listing my options. I'm concluding that the quickest way to end this is for me to leave. He won't go. So now the planning begins.

Also, thank you all. I really thought it was 'me' that was the problem. Wish I'd found you all years ago.

Oh rest assured, it definitely isn't you.

It doesn't matter how or why he does it. He is abusive.

Oh goodness this is ringing so many bells for me. I recognise so much and it took a long time to realise it was abusive.

You are definitely not the problem.

Just ask yourself what do you get from this marriage?

Also what role model is he for the DC's or indeed yourself for accepting this crap and condoning it to them as acceptable.

Like you say you've now gone back into the "real world" with reasonable people & you are starting to realise that your "normal" at home is far from it.

That's what continued domestic abuse does to you, grinds your sense of self worth & perspective down so you accept the awfulness of it.

The good thing is you are seeing it for what it is, good for you, now what plans can we help you make?

Contacting Womens Aid for a chat might help you get some clarity, can you get some privacy anywhere for a call?

I hasten to add, this self revelation can be quite shattering & scary, so small steps are good at first as you think it through & lots of great support on here from other more experienced posters than me.

Have a hug as I think you need it!
(or friendly pat on the back or hand as you prefer )

He's abusive and a user.

Do you know what the best thing you could do is?

Tell him to fuck off to the outer reaches of the universe.

Because it isn't all about him.

It's about you.
It's about your children.
It's about being a decent person.

But not everything should be on his terms.

I feel really sad you've had to miss out on possibly having a decent relationship because you stuck with this arsewipe - because sometimes you have to treat yourself and do something that you want to do.

I hope you decide to leave this man and live a happier life. Easier said than done I know - but you deserve to be properly happy plus it's not like you need him to help with childcare.

It is scary realising that things are not right. It's also quite empowering. I'd love to tell him to fuck off, but it wouldn't end well. For now I have to keep a lid on it and pretend to give a shit about his work woes and what has/hasn't grown in his garden this week.

There are so many things falling into place.