Is he abusive, or am I an idiot.

[finestvirginia]

Been with DH for 20 years and we have two teenagers - one about to go to uni and one doing GCSEs.

We have had ups and downs. From when we met DH has always had 'problems' - it was his finals, getting a graduate job, me getting pregnant, pressures of career, money, stress of being a new dad etc etc etc

His way of dealing with problems used to be having 'rages' Shouting, saying horrid things to me, smashing my things, throwing stuff.

Several years ago he found a better way of dealing with stress by having an affair with a colleague.

After the affair we tried again, this coincided with me being out of work for 2 years and being on hand to run around after him. He loved it.

Recently I've secured a full time professional role, have made new friends and am having a life.

He's started having rages again. He's broken my alarm clock, a plug socket and has been shitty with me tonight for spilling something on the kitchen floor (after I'd cooked)

I do everything by the way, despite working longer hours. He has friends and comes and goes as he pleases.

everything has to be about him.

I need objective thoughts.

So what if everyone else thinks he's OK?

He abuses you. That's all that matters.

What would happen if you told him he will be doing his 50% of the housework / shopping / cooking / toilet roll putting out etc now you are working? And then you stop doing his 50% for him.

What if, say, once every fortnight, you chose to text him from work to say you are going out tonight after work for a couple of hours? And then go out straight from work to do maybe nothing much, go to the pub, walk round the park, do a hobby while he stays in with your teenage DC.

Does your blood run cold at the thought of it?

Would either of these totally normal situations be a guaranteed rage?

If so, that's a shit life for you. Also, terrible modelling of how a marriage works to your DC.

Why do you continue to live like this?

How would you feel if one of your DC's was going to marry someone just like him and was asking your advice?

Lived with a version of this plus alcohol. You need to decide if this is a good enough life for you and the kids. Put all other concerns to one side, money, what others think, the sheer bloody drama of actually leaving him, the lot. And then decide.

Do you feel eroded, do you wonder 'how did I get here'? I usually give the same advice. You have to make the decision whilst you have still got the energy/will/self belief to act on it.

I walked, things were shit for a while but I was never ever sorry for doing it. XP still has 'tantrums', often directed at me but these days I hang up the phone, shut the door, drive off! Thank God I liberated myself from that crap. I think, is it worth having a tantrum when there if nobody there to see it?

Bloody good luck to you whatever happens. And a hug too.

if on a work morning we run out of coffee or toilet roll or if he cant find something historically he has had a tantrum. I'm always on top of this stuff now so it's not an issue.

That's so sad. So you've learned to cater to him so he's never inconvenienced by everyday irritations, which you -and indeed the rest of us - have had to learn to grow up and deal with.

It ended up with him throwing the radio across our room whilst calling me a cunt for not helping him. so it's all your fault, and you get called a vile name as well.

Yes, that's abuse.

It doesn't matter if everyone else thinks he's great. They're not married to him. In any case, abusive men often come across as 'great' to other people. They're skilled at making things look good, but are essentially selfish, lacking the real empathy and kindness needed for a loving relationship.

I bet all these other people who think he's great have never seen him acting like Godzilla with piles, because I bet he doesn't do it in public. Has he ever smashed up their belongings when he feels a bit irritated? Have you told them what it's really like, living with him? Do they know about his affair?

I wouldn't take your DC's perspective too much at face value, because their perspective is warped. It's their normality. Pop onto a Stately Homes thread if you want to see how deep that goes (my sibs & I all had abusive marriages, as that's how we thought all marriages were.)

My mother should have left my father. She didn't, but he had the good fortune (for us ) to die unexpectedly. After a few false starts, she's now in a long-term relationship with a very nice, normal, considerate man. She still gets daily shocks at the ordinary, kind little things he does for her and others. It's time you gave yourself the chance to learn the world isn't so cruel, after all. Women's Aid's helpline number is 0808 2000 247. Please call them, just for a talk.

Take a look at this page of their website.

Oh OP just get rid. Please.

You are not an idiot.
He is abusive.

His rages are not his way of coping, unless he rages at everyone (which I doubt). It is obviously a way to belittle & control you.

The fact that it stopped when you were at his beck & call shows that he can control this.

I'm always on top of this stuff now so it's not an issue.

You force your self to be on top of it so he doesn't kick off. That IS an issue. You have adapted your life to prevent his abuse.

This flipping between nice and nasty can make you feel like you're going mad.

And is designed so that you see just enough of the 'nice' to make you think you are over reacting at the bad!

I wouldn't take your DC's perspective too much at face value, because their perspective is warped. It's their normality Yes!

This sounds genuinely horrible. He sounds exhausting, petulant and spoiled. And potentially dangerous, to be frank.

You are not an idiot. He is abusive.

No abuser is horrible all the time. Think of it this way... even professional torturers are nice to their victims at times - that's part of torture, building up the trust/dependence so that the torture is even more confusing/devastating.

He's an abusive wanker and you don't deserve that shit

He is abusive. Abuse isn't always about hitting. You should NOT have to walk on eggshells in your own home. You should NOT have to 'keep on top' of loo roll to keep him from having a tantrum in your own home. You should NOT have to try to read his mind so you can 'help him with the radio' in your own home. Your own home should be a place of happiness and restfulness.

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but my own DH did similar. He didn't throw things but his tantrums, yelling, and name calling were legendary when he was frustrated or angry. With everyone else he was Mr Charming. Sure, because he came home and took it out on us! I'm ashamed to admit it, but we (self & 2 DSs) actually had a secret sign we would flash each other when one of us noticed 'that look' in his eyes. It was the sign to 'get out of Dodge'. The boys would rush to their rooms and I would take the brunt of the tantrum.

His only saving grace was that, when I'd finally had enough and told him he either cleaned up his act or gtfo, he did clean up his act. The thought that he would lose his family was enough to shock him into action. We went to counseling (separately & jointly). It was a hard slog but worth it in the end.

So, now that MN has agreed unanimously that he is abusive, the decision to either try to save the marriage (it will take counseling, lots of it, for both of you) or not is up to you.

I could be barking up the wrong tree, but he sounds like one if my DCs who is high functioning autistic. I also have coping strategies to avoid meltdowns. In fact everything you describe rings bells including having a meltdown because you went out for the evening (breaking expected routine is a huge trigger). That's the kind of thing I actually factor into my plans. 'Sabotaging nice things' is the biggest flag for me in your post (and I bet half the time it seems that he cuts his nose off to spite his face?). Again when my DC sabotages events its because the stimulae of too much change/excitement creates too much stress for them, no matter how much they may want to enjoy the event.

I put up with everything because it is a child whom I love unconditionally. If it were my DH I would walk. actually running for the hills would be more accurate google PDA and see if it fits with his behaviours.

Or he could just be a complete arse, of course.

Either he is capable of changing his behaviours but has no incentive to do so, or he is incapable of changing his behaviours. Either way nothing will change until you determine whether or not to change your own reactions to these behaviours.

ALL of your words finestvirginia are those of a woman in an abusive marriage. Smashing your stuff is classed too as domestic violence and your children have also grown up with this as well. What have they learnt about relationships here from the two of you?. He's a tyrant and you've become completely conditioned by him. BTW did you grow up in a similar household, were either of your parents violent towards the other?.

Abusers as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world and can also do the nice/nasty cycle very well. Its a continuous cycle of abuse.

None of what you and by turn the children has seen here at his hands can be termed anything other than abusive.

There is NO justification for his actions and the only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE. That is correct, none.

You made a mistake re him, do not prolong your own agonies by staying with him for yet another 20 years. Your children will certainly not thank you for doing so.

You need objective thoughts...

No, you need a divorce. He is abusive. Get rid.

Abusive. Ready Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" It will explain why your H chooses to be abusive and how he benefits from it (I'd like never to run out of coffee and toilet paper again. I choose not attain this pleasant state of affairs by bullying and terrifying someone I claim to love. He has made a different choice).

OP, how are you feeling today after reading everybody's thoughts?

"He's not awful everyday and its so hard to convey it all."

They are never awful every day. Mostly because you are alert to the signs and doing your level best to avoid another outburst - the 'walking on eggshells' you mention. There will be nice times and you'll be holding onto those hoping that they become the norm rather than the exception. Never mistake cessation of hostility for kindness, however.

Of course other people think he's great. Bullies are often charming to everyone except their victims. He was charming to you once. By saving the unpleasant stuff for behind closed doors it helps isolate the victim and make them doubt themselves.

I point a lot of people to this article on the early-warning signs of behaviour that can develop into abuse.

The only person in charge or to blame for his moods is him.

I mean, if he's happy do you feel proud of that achievement? Of course not. You panic when he next will be cross.... You really cannot take credit for other peoples moods.

I'm sorry x

Did you know that soldiers at the front line of a war, don't fight all the time? A lot of time they have to deal with waiting and boredom, interspersed with occasional 'fighting duties'.

Yet just because they don't fight all the time, would you dare to call it 'peace'?!

The watching, the waiting, all geared towards the moment when actual fighting starts again.

Just like you, waiting in the bed quietly while he faffed with his clock, knowing it would probably set him off. Keeping a careful eye on supplies to make sure you NEVER run out of anything that he might want. Scanning the house quickly to make sure nothing is out of place that might upset him. All waiting for that 'eruption'.

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

Not much more to say, really.
LTB

Calling you a cunt should be enough reason to LTB

Great comparison HayDay
Must remember that one.

Yes OP, this abuse.
I'm sure you are rather overwhelmed right now.
Do come back if you need some support with anything.

Yes he is abusive...no you are not an idiot.
Also...rather than making too much of it, you are making far too little...but I guess you've been conditioned by him into accepting his frightful behaviour as being matter of course, so that's not surprising.

Another LTB.