Is he abusive, or am I an idiot.

[finestvirginia]

Been with DH for 20 years and we have two teenagers - one about to go to uni and one doing GCSEs.

We have had ups and downs. From when we met DH has always had 'problems' - it was his finals, getting a graduate job, me getting pregnant, pressures of career, money, stress of being a new dad etc etc etc

His way of dealing with problems used to be having 'rages' Shouting, saying horrid things to me, smashing my things, throwing stuff.

Several years ago he found a better way of dealing with stress by having an affair with a colleague.

After the affair we tried again, this coincided with me being out of work for 2 years and being on hand to run around after him. He loved it.

Recently I've secured a full time professional role, have made new friends and am having a life.

He's started having rages again. He's broken my alarm clock, a plug socket and has been shitty with me tonight for spilling something on the kitchen floor (after I'd cooked)

I do everything by the way, despite working longer hours. He has friends and comes and goes as he pleases.

everything has to be about him.

I need objective thoughts.

It's incredibly empowering OP. Do some research on emotional abuse. There's a wealth of information out there.
Knowledge is power after all.

op, I find you and this thread to both be rather wonderful. Whenever I see a thread like this, I always want the op to just suddenly 'get it' and flip the switch from downtrodden to fucking furious.

You seem to have done just that and it's rather marvellous. Keep it up

Gather all paperwork. Bank account info, mortgage, bills, birth certs, passports, tax papers, everything. Or at least know exactly where they are so you can get them in a rush. Make copies now though and put them in a safe place. Please see a solicitor right away so you know your legal rights. If possible start stashing money away for a FUF (fuck you fund) to enable you to stay somewhere for a night or two if you have to leave suddenly or to pay for transport to wherever you want to go. If possible, enlist a trusted friend or family member. Contact Women's Aid for help.

Well done OP you are seeing things with clarity. I wish you well in thos new and infinitely happier chapter in your life. Here's to freedom

I am one year down the line and have only just put 2+2 together and realised how many of my ex's unreasonable outbursts occurred during or just before important events such as Christmas, functions, music performances and the like. Oh. My. Word. Seriously, recovering from this sort if stuff takes time.

Again, good luck OP

They coincide with Christmases, events I was looking forward to etc

This stuck out for me finest because when I read your original post about him breaking an alarm clock I wondered if he did this. My BIL goes out of his way to spoil and ruin things for my SIL. He picks fights when they are due to go to a family event, ruins her clothes (on one occasion a fancy dress outfit for a charity do that night so she couldn't go). It's incredibly controlling.

You shouldn't have to feel you need to be on top of things so he doesn't blow up. It's no way to live your life.

He's abusive and a total cock

My father was the same, OP. We DC have asked DM why she didn't leave him years ago, but I think the perceived "shame" stopped her.

It won't get better. My father was the same all the time, even after we (the DC) had left home. He was still abusive to her, no matter what she did. Luckily, she did have a life outside the home, but hated going home. Luckily, he is no longer with us so she can come and go as she pleases without being abused.

you want my opinion?
ltb
you can. so do.

I was in an abusive marriage for many years. My ex-wife is passive-aggressive, but there is still a lot in common with your situation...

No abuser is vile 100% of the time. They are like Jekyll and Hyde. The abuse is still real. Also you don't know what might set them off next, so you are always walking on eggshells.

The abuser will erode your sense of what is normal. They completely believe their behaviour is ok, and you are the one who is useless. Eventually you start to doubt your own viewpoint. That's why in your original post you asked Am I an idiot? Of course not - but over the years you have been ground down and undermined. You have ended up with a checklist of coffee, toilet rolls etc - because he has made YOU responsible for behaving according to his ridiculous selfish demands in order to try to prevent HIS rages.

He presents a completely different face to the rest of the world. Other people think he's a nice guy. Well actually they all do this - the abuse is kept behind closed doors. You need to stop thinking about what other people think of him, and get in touch with what YOU KNOW about the situation. The only reason you are even thinking about others' opinions is because he has undermined your self-esteem.

You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Why do you have to "keep a lid on it"? While you get ready to leave? How long is that going to take?? Sorry but I disagree with advice above about stashing away passports, money etc in case you "have to leave suddenly". I think you need to get out now while you have the resolve, or you may never do it.

Good luck, whatever you do. You are NOT an idiot for wanting to be treated with basic respect.