Dating thread 76

[LoisPuddingLane]

As we were saying...

[ChickOnaMission]

scorned Stay Away!! you say yourself you know you should forget about him. Even if he did sort out his current relationship would you really want him as a partner seeing as he was unfaithful to this other woman? He doesn't sound very honourable?

[ChickOnaMission]

blossom he does sound honourable :-) If a bit inexperienced at OLD by the sounds of everyone else, all the eggs in one basket is not the norm!

And if it does work out with the other date then you were just unlucky, not a reflection on you at all.

[Blossomflowers]

chick I think he sounds really sweet and not tainted yet by the whole thing.
neil is is not like that, I just keep chatting to people and agree to meet, most of the time they are big disappointment , I am never rude will have a drink and let them down gently. As I said before if you meet someone you like then no need to see other people.

[steelchic]

Hi Chick, how were you feeling before he got in touch, were you ok ? Do you think him getting in touch has put you back a bit or has it helped that he is missing your texts. You should use the time you have when the kids are away to try and get out there. I know you've got stuff on but be good to yourself and have some "me time".
I have been browsing on Match, but my heart isn't in it. I still feel pretty shocked about the suddenness of it all. I've been feeling crap all week. He texted me on Saturday evening but I think that was just him testing the waters to see if I'd respond. All these doubts have been filling my head. Starting to doubt if he is such a nice guy, maybe he has been stringing me along enjoying his FB till something better came along. He assures me this isn't the case and that he has deep feelings for me and this woman coming back into his life is just a cruel twist of fate. I don't know what to think. I've done a lot of thinking I think the reason that I've taken it so bad isn't that I was totally in love with him ( I wasn't although I could have been ) I think it just reminded me how much I miss being in a relationship and also brought back a lot of the hurt I felt when my Ex left. Aw well as you say "onwards and upwards" I will be ok I just need to snap out of this mood.
I'm popping out just now and have visitors this evening so I will be distracted and won't jump every time a text comes through x

[neiljames77]

Blossomflowers I know it's the sensible and logical way to approach things but I'd just feel uneasy.
OD seems to come with a set of rules and etiquette and I think I'm just too impulsive and impatient to follow them.
(btw, I hope it didn't look like I was criticising you in any way)

[Blossomflowers]

Not at all neil you are right OLD is tricky, If everyone was just honest then it would be great, not been doing it long but have become hardened to it now.

[AtSea1979]

Started dating someone two weeks ago. Since then we have been inseparable, seeing each other most evenings recently and slept together for first time last night. He seems lovely but should I be a bit more busy and scale it back?

[Rummikub]

No, if it feels right, carry on.

[Bigbird01]

Folk hope your evening goes ok. Fingers crossed it gives you the answers you want.

[ChickOnaMission]

Hi steel I was feeling very low before he texted, and he actually did text me after the exam results to say well done so he wasn't ignoring that. I'm glad he did get in touch and I felt much better afterwards knowing that he was missing the contact too. There is still a part of me that hopes that we can still see each other, my kids are away all summer from 1st July until end of August, I'm going to miss them terribly but it will also give me the opportunity to go out and meet people, or maybe spend some more time with him. I'd planned to wait until the end of the month to see if he fancied a drink, but also the thought of hanging around all month and then him saying he didn't want to meet would have been rubbish. So at least him getting in touch gave me the opportunity to ask him and he was keen to meet, outside for a drink and a chat, rather than just coming to my house and jumping into bed which was what we used to do! At the very least it'll give me an opportunity to talk and find out what went wrong, we've only texted since and texts are a crap way of communicating. I want to see his face when we're talking... I know what you mean about the browsing, I struck it so lucky with him and I compare everyone I see to him, and none are anywhere near as lovely..... I've actually thought about him less since he got in touch, I'm happier knowing we'll get a chance to talk, rather than just not seeing him again and never knowing why he went off me... I think that was the worst thing. I've just gone through y head all the reasons I could have put him off me...

Anyway sorry that was all a bit long! Have a great time tonight :-)

x

[Minime85]

Oh chick I hope you get some answers/ closure from it then. But good looking positively at summer as a chance to go out and meet people.

Folk how did you get on?

Just back from 1at date with mr pof had a lovely time beats last night hands down

[avianaz]

hello everyone x

just started online dating, I say dating but I don't want to have conversations with people and meet with them if I like them enough to have them thinking we are a thing? How does it work?

I've been replying to nearly everyone that has said something but I don't think I realistically can anymore, but i don't want to be shallow and choose especially if I don't think anything will happen!

I'm just not sure what is normal, argh! It's become stressful instead of nice!

When I have conversations with guys what do they think is going to happen?

[FolkGirl]

Good morning.

Well I needed time to digest after last night. We met, went for dinner, chatted a little, 'talked' a bit and he left.

So the upshot was...

he was disappointed I wasn't able to visit him and had to cancel. He thought that something had happened and that I'd gone a bit cool on him. He didn't want to finish it with me, he was upset and felt insecure and wanted some reassurance. To be honest, if the situation was reversed, I'd have felt exactly the same.

He doesn't really get that it's not easy for me to do the journey just because I have a car. But he's said now that he's shown me he is willing to do the journey too by doing both legs of the journey in one evening.

I reminded him of what he'd said right at the start; that he wasn't looking for a long term relationship, or to fall in love and that he felt he had to be honest because he didn't want to lead anyone on. But he said that things had changed for him now and he wants to talk about 'us'.

He feels vulnerable because he did fall in love. He said he feels a little insecure, but he trusts me. I think that maybe I have been so pleased that he is supportive and doesn't try to make me feel guilty for doing things that I have maybe been just a little insensitive to his feelings. I still have issues with believing that someone could love me, or that people's feelings are constant. I grew up without love and believing I was unloveable, so I'm constantly waiting for him to realise that I'm just me and that that's not really worth loving... or for him to find someone better.

He said he was really pleased that we'd had chance to met and that he'd have been really miserable if he'd had to go home without seeing me first.

Obviously, it wasn't all just about him and what he wants, but this will be really long otherwise!

[FolkGirl]

When I have conversations with guys what do they think is going to happen?

Some of them will think that it's a good opportunity to see if you are compatible enough to warrant meeting and seeing if there is any chemistry there - this is the right thing to think. When you're OD, the first date isn't really a date. It's just a meeting really to see if you want to go on a date with that person. Sometimes you get on great and a 1 hour long coffee can turn into a 7 hour long date, and other times, you realise that you've nothing to say to each other IRL.

Some of them will assume that it's a done deal - avoid these.

Some will think you're taking the piss because they think so little of themselves - avoid these.

Some will be serial daters and it's the thrill of the chase that's the most important to them and they play the game well - you can't really avoid these, they're well disguised. Just guard yourself against them by following The Rules.

I didn't reply to everyone. I only replied if it looked like they'd thought about their message and were genuinely interested in talking to me, rather than just messaging every woman in a 50 mile radius. I didn't reply to people who were obviously outside of my search criteria (it wasn't much of a criteria to be fair - age, location, educational background) unless they'd included some sort of caveat that acknowledged they were outside the criteria but recognised that we had a lot in common or something.

[Bigbird01]

Folk it sounds like last night went well. Do you believe that he does actually love you now? Are you going to give it a go with him despite the distance? Where did you leave it?

[FolkGirl]

I think so BigBird... On all counts. I said yesterday that I'd put my feelings on hold, and I really had done. But when I got to the train station and saw him, I just wibbled. I couldn't stop smiling, I felt really nervous, my heart was pounding...

I suppose I just wonder what the 'point' of a long distance relationship is and worry about one of us getting hurt in the long run.

We left it that we are going to give it a go. When he gets back we're going to have a really good talk about it, where it's going and all that... I think I probaby can trust him though.

He wants me to go back home with him for a few days over the summer.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I've been thinking about the date I had last Tuesday with the gorgeous 24 year old. I'd been reluctant to meet him because, despite his pursuing of me (history: he'd found me under a new name on OKC and we'd had previous chatting a couple of years back), I knew that it was unlikely he would want to see me again. I'm fat, basically. Pretty but oldish and fat. He, on the other hand, was fucking gorgeous and I was barely able to stop myself launching at him.

Anyway, now I've had a few days to let the Red Mist of Awful Lust clear, I'm not sure I would want to see him anyway. Oh yes, I'd enjoy the sex, no doubt. He might, even. It was just the teensiest of red flags. He goes on about being really careful about what he eats and only eating grass-fed butter and organic beef and shit like that, which can't be cheap. Yet when it came to paying the bill (we'd had two drinks apiece) he said "How are we going to do this?" I blithely chucked some money in and we went halves.

I don't expect to be paid for and will usually get my round in or pay for some food etc. It's nice if it someone wants to pay, and usually indicates that the chap likes you. But when someone is happy to spend lots on their special diet of the gods and supplements and general self-improving stuff, but will not stump up for two drinks on a first date, it makes me wonder.

[FolkGirl]

The thing is, he has been honest from the start about everything. And it's obvious he has been. Months later, the stories haven't changed; I've met people who've corrobrated them; that sort of thing.

I think the only thing I haven't quite been able to take him at face value about is how he feels about me. But that says more about me than it does about him. And every little 'thing' has been 'evidence' to me that he doesn't love me really/isn't that bothered about me after all...

And yet, even now, he's saying things that sound, well, honest. He told me last night that he loves me very much. He said that even if he can't promise he'll feel like that forever (but who can, really?), he does feel like that about me every day now.

Deep breath...

[Minime85]

Folk I'm really pleased for you in that it sounds like it went really as well as it could go and hopefully u both feel reassured

[Minime85]

I need help. I can't do this chatting to more than one now I've met them both I feel really sneaky even though I know I'm not doing anything wrong. And they are more than likely chatting to other people etc.

I put all my eggs in one basket last time and didn't want to so that this. And whilst just chatting I felt fine about it all. Now I've met both I don't know what to do! Help!

[triathlonmum]

Hi all - good reading about your dates and by the sounds of it some lovely relationships blossoming.. I'm on a date tonight. My heart isn't really in it as I don't think there is long-term potential for one reason and another. Friends have persuaded me to go and have fun though. I'm pretty tired too. We are meeting at a train station then plan to go for a drink, I guess if it goes well we will go on for food. How do I (nicely) extricate myself if I don't want the evening to continue though? Suddenly need to be somewhere??

[neiljames77]

Why would you be going through the same thing again if he's a completely different person?
You can't really demand anything. Just make sure he's a bit wiser if you think he's naive. Be more involved and make sure, through him, that these women know you're involved. They'll probably back off.

[louby44]

Good to read about everyone's dates - successful or not!

I feel quite liberated not checking POF all the time. I just don't think OLD is for me anymore. I got so fed up of messaging men who half the time can't spell or are obviously talking to 2/3 women at once. Then they disappear??

Or you meet up and they are fatter/greyer/older looking than their photo's. Blossom I agree I'm hardened to it too now - soooo cynical!

I just can't be bothered with it anymore.

Folk I'm glad you've managed to talk things through!