Need Advice - He doesn't have a car

[chargedproton]

Hello All. Basically I'm after some opinions.

I've been getting to know a guy for 5-6 months that I met through online dating. After meeting some right idiots through the service, I finally found someone I clicked with.

He's tall, really attractive, good job and had treated me with so much respect. We have so many shared interests and opinions.

The problem - He's a contractor. He works away Monday to Friday down south and the comes home on Friday evening to Sunday. We try to see each other every Saturday.

However he has no car. The company pays for his travelling. He could have a company car but he's opted for taking the train as he can just relax on the journey. Therefore, for the past few dates, I've had to pick him up and drop him off. He lives in the middle of nowhere with a dead end train station. So getting to me via a train or bus would take him a few hours (about 3-4!!).

But I feel like a taxi service. I could tell he feels bad about it but what other option is there? It doesn't make me feel very lady like either. It's not necessary the driving around, it's the picking him up and dropping him off as that adds 2 hours extra of driving (takes an hour to get to him and back).

He's deleted his online dating profile since he's met me and we speak everyday. However, I can sense myself pulling away as I dread the driving around (I hate driving anyway). I haven't arranged to see him today as I can't be bothered.

I do like him and I think this issue is stopping me from falling for him.

Is my issue trivial? Or do you think I should end it? Any ladies been in my situation??

Wow, I didn't think i'd get this many replies!

Right, no he is not in prison. We have added each other on Linkedin. He sends me pictures of what he's doing now and again at work, as I send him pictures of what I am doing. These pictures sometimes include computer screens with emails and it has his email address on there. So he's definately not in prison.

He sold his car exactly one year ago as he was working in London at the time. He said he saw his car once in 2 months as he never needed it (he wasn't coming home these weekends). He lived in a flat instead of hotels.

Then he got another contracting job, which means he could be situated anywhere in the country per project. He doesn't know where.

We've been dating for about 5 months to be more precise. One month he was in France, doing a project with his company.

He did not pick me up for the first date. He hired a car. Second date and third date, I thought I was meeting him somewhere but he asked me if I could pick him up, so I agreed (well I didn't know what to say so agreed instead). Fourth date, was last minute evening thing so I had to pick him up as he wouldn't get to me on time. Fifth date, we were doing something outdoorsy in the middle of nowhere and it was on the way for me so I picked him up (:( I shouldn't have offered) but I stayed at his that night. Last 3-4 dates, I've stayed at his but if we needed to go anywhere, I had to go him and then take us somewhere as there isn't anything decent near him until 40 minutes away. He hasn't stayed at mine yet. We've only seen each other 9-10 times as I have busy weekends too.

I haven't seen him in 2 weeks because I cannot be bothered with the driving. I have a social life so I can't spend every Saturday with him.

I am really fed up with his lack of car. He isn't a very good organiser at top of this either.

I don't know whether he is tight with his money? He pays for meals but allows me to pay for tickets to the cinema etc now and again. But I rather pay half than drive as I don't enjoy driving.

But he is so lovely in other aspects and very caring and I can tell he's fallen for me.

Also, he can't take his brothers car. He's not on the policy and I don't know if he can be as its his brothers companies, company car? as what if he had an accident? plus his brother is hardly home. He's got a girlfriend too.

This is so annoying .

I do need to talk to him but he must surely know this? I've hinted that i don't enjoy driving so many times!!

When I met DH he was 19 and still doing his A levels. I was 30. He didn't drive and neither did I.

We've been very happily married for 12 years and we still don't drive.

If this is such a massive pain for you OP, I'd suggest that the relationship isn't worth it. If you're totally into each other this would be a non-issue, or at most, a bit bothersome.

Personally I think there are a million more important things to look out for when starting a new relationship than whether he drives/has a car or not.

Stop hinting! Just TELL him you don't enjoy driving all the time.

What happens if you want a few drinks when you go out? Can you never have more than a glass or so of wine? Both of you can get taxis home (to your own places, why should you get a taxi home from his place the next day?!)

Tell him! I don't really enjoy driving. Let's meet halfway/somewhere you can both get to via public transport, etc. if he's not game, you have your answer.

I wouldn't bother myself too much, tbh. It's been two weeks and he's not suggesting a reasonable workaround. Sounds lazy.

Disorganised = lazy. He CBA'd.

As far as I know, the advice generally given to women doing online dating is don't let the man collect you from your home for the first date. You don't know him well enough to give him your address.

OP, you are going to need to tell him outright that you are no longer prepared to be his personal minicab. If he sulks or whines or dumps you on the spot, you can simply move on before you get any deeper invested into this relationship.

I dated a bloke for 6 months who didn't drive or have a car.

It was part of the reason I binned him. It wasn't all about the actual car more that I realised I have threshold of adults having their act together and driving was part of it. He chose not to despite it making life a bit hard for his dc. I couldn't get past that

Oh gosh people are really obsessed with cars aren't they?! Seriously whether a man drives or not would be so low down on my list of essential traits as to be non existent. Am I missing something?!

I'm really glad he's not in prison

You simply need to talk to him.

It's not that he first drive though is it? It's that if the OP doesn't facilitate their dates by doing lots of driving, that she doesn't like, then there are no dates. And eventually no relationship. He isn't open to alternatives.

MissLeserables - driving or not wouldn't be an issue, but being reliant on me driving a man around would be. I'm always surprised by threads on here where non-drivers have taken decisions to live in areas that dont have good public transport and are relying on other people to ferrying them about!

The non-drivers I know chose their locations based on good public transport and living centrally. It's lovely to live in the countryside, but if you don't drive, you just can't. I would find it more gaulling that he can drive, he has an option of a free car, but choses not to, and lives in an area that means he can't have a social life unless other people run round after him.

Mary - exactly that. It's almost a bit entitled behaviour

Has he ever addressed he fact that you're sending so much time ferrying him about? Has he expressed how grateful he is? Asked if you're ok doing all the chauffeuring? Sound like you were sort of 'tricked' into doing this on the early dates and now a pattern has been established which neither of you has challenged. Perhaps your resentment about this is not simply that you don't like him enough to make an effort for the sake of seeing him, but that you're being taken for granted.

If it's just the practical side (and I'm not sure it is) then he should be hiring a car every other weekend so that the burden's not always on you. He's surely able to afford that.

• second and third date, asking if you can pick him up? I mean it seems a wee bit entitled...

• and he hasn't seen you in two weeks, but is presumably waiting for YOU to facilitate something involving picking him up?

You sound very reasonable OP.

I dunno if you were lurking on the Chat thread with Garethgate (regarding someone who was selfish in their restaurant choices) but someone observed, and at my ripe old age I certainly agree, that they find in general people who are selfish in one area of their lives tend to be selfish in others?

If your instincts are off now, they're probably right.

I wonder if he actually likes you "enough" but also is thinking "well, I'm tall and conventionally good looking with a good job so I can hold out for someone who really does all the work".

In my dating days I met LOADS of guys like this - they perceived they were catches, so just got very, very lazy - and with OD they knew they could easily set up some new dates if one woman didn't do all the running.

The car is irrelevant - I'm happily meandering between two vair nice admirers who are both carless (London so quite common) but neither give the impression they'll "accept" a relationship if I do all the work.

Thanks for the further replies.

I don't think he's selfish to be honest, only with the car thing.

He's always asking me if my days ok and if my families ok. If I go out with my friends, he asks if they are ok and hopes that I have a lovely time. He'll hold my bag and my jacket for me if we are walking in the countryside. He eats and goes where I want to go. He books tickets to places I've never been to but wanted to try. He helps me with things I'm not good at. He says me name quite a lot which I like. He's a good guy I suppose .

But I still hate driving. If he lived 30 minutes max away, it wouldn't be an issue. He lives an hour, so that 2 hours in total.

I put on my online dating profile that I only wanted to date locally because I hated driving. But he messaged me and I liked his profile and thought it's only an hour away. But I didn't know I had to do the driving!

Boo hoo hoo

Well really the person you need to boo Hoo to is him. You need to tell him clearly that you can't do all the driving and see what happens.

You driving him around has become the status quo and the person who benefits from the status quo is never going to volantarily change it, him 'feeling bad about it' is just enough to show he recognises the imposition but way short of doing anything to change it. There is a reason why you haven't been more forthright, are you afraid that if you refused to be the permanent designated driver it might jeopardise all the non selfish things he does? Is that an unwritten rule in your relationship, the over genorosity in other areas is to compensate you for your new role as sole trader in chargedproton chauffeur services. Find your voice woman because your opinions matter.

Look, have your car mysteriously unavailable one day and see what happens.

And be prepared to hop on a train every now and again!

I am amazed that some people think that he should have accepted a company car rather than taking public transport - no wonder we are in the mess we are in....

I was in my mid-20s when I met DH and he was astonished I couldn't drive. I hadn't needed to learn I always got about okay. In your case I see you are fed up doing the chauffeuring. Unless someone lives somewhere that offers easy public transport I am surprised a healthy adult would be so ready to rely on others.

Some men dislike their gfs driving and see it as somehow emasculating. If he were expecting you to forever be designated driver but simultaneously critical of your driving too, I'd have certainly called time on being a taxi.

I guess if you could not wait to see him you'd not find this a chore.

Anyway you don't particularly enjoy driving, tell him straight you weren't looking for a long distance relationship so if he wants to see you, can he sort his own transport out occasionally?

Tbh my first thought was, had your bf been disqualified?

Branchingout - I think he should have accepted the company car, because he needs a car for his day to day life given where he lives - he has an option of a free one via work, but rather than take up that option, he's going for an option that requires him to rely on other people to ferry him about. Taking the non-driving optionwould be fine, if he also picked to live in a city/large town location where he could get about easily without a car.

I agree with the poster who suggested that having a car (unless you live in Central London) is one of the things that indicate you've crossed the threshold into adulthood.

He has CHOSEN a lifestyle which would make it easy for him and harder for all others.

1. • he lives in a remote location where public transport is not great
2. • He has the option of a car, but chooses a relaxing train journey instead.
3. • If he wants to get around his DB has to drive him
4. • if he goes out on a date his date has to pick him up all the time.

Selfish!!!

He can be lovely in lots of other ways, but none of them are ways which put him out.

Lay it on the line, say you don't want to be picking him up all the time because a 2 hour journey at the end of every date is just too much.

He has options. He can:

1. catch a taxi - £30 is nothing if he wants to go out far away from his or your area.

2. Change his travel options to a car journey

3. Buy an inexpensive car for personal trips, and continue the status quo on his work travel.

4. Move house to a place which has better public transport links

He sounds like a selfish pita
drove ar 17 and would expect any man I dated to drive and own a car too
bin him you cqn do better

But until the OP came along, it seemed that he didn't need a car for everyday life? That decision was made before he met her.

So, putting his dates with the OP aside, I am imagining that he walks to the shop or pub,walks to the station and maybe once a week goes to the supermarket with his brother. Is that so bad? It seems that his job/living arrangements are fairly mobile - maybe he will be working/living somewhere else in future - so it doesn't really make sense for him to take on a car if it doesn't work for him.

Yes, he should take some taxis, take the train to OP and hire a car from time to time - but take on a car of his own just for the sake of getting to someone he has dated ten times (or 12, can't recall), really?