Need Advice - He doesn't have a car

[chargedproton]

Hello All. Basically I'm after some opinions.

I've been getting to know a guy for 5-6 months that I met through online dating. After meeting some right idiots through the service, I finally found someone I clicked with.

He's tall, really attractive, good job and had treated me with so much respect. We have so many shared interests and opinions.

The problem - He's a contractor. He works away Monday to Friday down south and the comes home on Friday evening to Sunday. We try to see each other every Saturday.

However he has no car. The company pays for his travelling. He could have a company car but he's opted for taking the train as he can just relax on the journey. Therefore, for the past few dates, I've had to pick him up and drop him off. He lives in the middle of nowhere with a dead end train station. So getting to me via a train or bus would take him a few hours (about 3-4!!).

But I feel like a taxi service. I could tell he feels bad about it but what other option is there? It doesn't make me feel very lady like either. It's not necessary the driving around, it's the picking him up and dropping him off as that adds 2 hours extra of driving (takes an hour to get to him and back).

He's deleted his online dating profile since he's met me and we speak everyday. However, I can sense myself pulling away as I dread the driving around (I hate driving anyway). I haven't arranged to see him today as I can't be bothered.

I do like him and I think this issue is stopping me from falling for him.

Is my issue trivial? Or do you think I should end it? Any ladies been in my situation??

Cabrinha - I'm not a good parker, he offers. What's wrong with that?

He doesn't live 14 miles away from me. I was talking about A PLACE that is 14 miles away from him as an example.

Thank you all for the replies.

I'm still confused to be honest. He's such a good guy, I'm so annoyed that he doesn't have a car. Not to drive me around but we can both meet at a place or take it in turns to drive. I don't know what to do.

I don't understand the timings .....

You let someone else park your car for you?

Ok.

I am (almost) car-free from choice, in a place where there is public transport but it's not all that regular/ swift and I do hire when I need to.

No sin in being car-free but it's a problem when it forces someone else to do more driving than they want to do.

How about you arrange to meet somewhere near a rail station he can get to/ from? Say, somewhere it took you both half an hour to get to?

As others have said, I would be straight with him and tell him all the driving is getting you down a bit.

Could a compromise be that you pick him up but he takes a taxi home?

I do get why he doesn't want a company car. But, as someone who has never had a car myself, I would feel rather guilty to have someone picking me up AND taking me home. I mean, obviously it's a pain in the ass.

I think if you live in a village with no car and want to date, taxis are to be expected really.

I'm fairly poor at manoeuvres like parking, but no-one drives my car. Grrrrr. (Well, maybe the garage mechanics when it goes in for servicing, but only in and out of the service area!)

I'm a bit about the chivalry thing too. But definitely with you on all the extra driving you're expected to do. Has he offered to pay for the petrol, or at least go halves?

I understand about someone else helping to park your car. I am a reasonable parker because I get a lot of practice parking in tiny spaces and I am happy to help out someone who is having trouble.

Although you mention chivalry and some people have picked you up on this I wonder if is more about the other person making you feel special sometimes. It sounds as if he is not really considering how things are from your point of view as long as arrangements suit his preferences.

If you consider how valuable your time is and how much he might be valuing your time then at least sometimes getting taxis, hiring a car or making other transport arrangements would not be unreasonable.

It does make sense that he doesn't want a company car. If he is choosing to value his time and energy by opting for the company paying his train fares he has left himself responsible for having independent transport outside work.

Tell him you really like him but the extra driving you are having to do is threatening to become a deal breaker.

bin him, not worth the effort in the long run

Have you thought about naming him on your insurance (at his expense) so that you could perhaps share the driving?

It could make an acceptable compromise on occasion, especially since he could be the designated driver on a Saturday night (if he stays over).

If you're right for one another, you will find a way around it chargedproton; if you're not, it will continue to irritate the heck out of you and it will culminate in a natural conclusion.

i'm with Cog, something aint right.

Shopping, Doctors, social life, holidays, visiting relatives, friends, watching/playing sports, clubs and pastimes, days out, dating (obv) ........
really? I aint buying it!

"A taxi would cost him about £30 there and back depending where we meet"

I'd suggest that perhaps every other weekend he gets a taxi to your place to even things up a bit. You say he feels bad about you being a "taxi service" but does he offer to pay towards petrol (and general wear and tear on your car)? Or he could hire a car every other weekend. Or perhaps he does half the train journey and instead of you picking him up from his place you pick him up from a half way railway station?

I'd be fed up too; I'd hate to feel like a taxi service and would never date a man who wasn't prepared to compromise over something like this although I do live in a rural location where a one hour drive takes over 3 hours on the train!

I also think the driving/car issue is just a focus for some other misgiving.

I met my DH online. He'd been living in London for most of his working life, never learned to drive or owned a car and rented. I'd owned my home home for at least 10 years at that stage, good equity in it, and having always lived fairly rurally, always drove (since 18). At nearly 40 when we met he might not have sounded like the best bet on paper but 6 years on, we couldn't be happier, jointly own our own home, contribute equally to finances, have a second child on the way and a car each in the driveway. Things were just always so right between us that these things didn't matter, the fact that we at least wanted things to go in the same direction mattered more.

If you can't see past this there are probably other issues.

I wouldn't feel bad if he has to pay £30 for a taxi. If he chooses not to have a car how much is he saving on insurance, repairs, tax, fuel, etc? Enough to pay for a taxi journey most weeks I'd say.

Plus we love food so like to try and eat out at new places - he pays

Well if he is paying for you every time you go out for a meal, perhaps he thinks that he is paying his way. Paying for you every time does sound quite chivalrous to me....

Also if he works down south, the sensible option would definitely be to take a train home, especially if there is a car in his household (his brother's).

I would ask him to hire a car every other weekend or put him on your insurance. Or have you not got to the point where he is not staying over yet?

Sometimes blokes just don't think. have a frank discussion with him and don't sabotage what could otherwise be a good relationship.

Look, I'd tell him. 'This is great, we are having a good time and I really like you, but my having to drive all the time is starting to feel like a chore. How about we alternate it with your getting a taxi.'

Ad yeah, something ain't right. The living with the brother and brother only has company car so he can't borrow it screams, 'Lost license!'

I don't agree that not owning a car = infantile. (Wasn't it Thatcher who is said to have said something about how a man over the age of twenty five being on a bus was a sign of failure? How characteristic.) My husband didn't have a car until he was over forty, as he had no need of one. He still often opts to make business trips by train because of being able to work. I'm only learning to drive now, at 41. We are both highly-achieving professionals. Who simply didn't need to have a car, or particularly want one.

But his decision is making your life more troublesome, which is a different matter. If you do actually like him, this issue aside, have a plain conversation with him. It is selfish to expect you to drive him about all the time, so he needs to stump up for taxis, or take steps to have access to/buy a car. I have to say it sounds rather selfish and unthinking of him. Surely it's obvious, whether or not you've said anything, that, especially so early in a relationship, putting all the transport on one person is burdensome?

What's wrong with having someone park your car for you, is you should be able to do it yourself.
OK, we all have different strengths. I'd always hire an electrician, for example. But I always can. With driving, you can't contract out dealing with tricky parking spots every time.

I'm not great at parking - my spatial awareness is poor. This means I sometimes choose a bigger space further away, make two attempts to reverse in instead of one, that sort of thing. But I can still park my own car! I wouldn't take a boyfriend seriously who asked me to park his car for him. Learn to do it to a sufficient standard.

As for the dating - just tell him half the time to get a taxi. £30 is nothing compared to what he is saving. It sounds like a big cost as a one off - but this is his decision, when he decided not to run a car. So it's actually cheap.

If he doesn't want to, he's not into you.

But perhaps it's a trade off to him - he may think as he's paying for dinner, your contribution is the hassle of driving.

Why don't you just talk to him?

I agree maybe an honest talk is is order: if you're not mentioning it's an issue maybe he's not picking up on it?

YANBU to be flagging this though as an amber flag. I am carfree and happily so, and will date carfree men.

What really hacks me off is someone who doesn't drive but wants someone else to cover for them? If I can't get somewhere I make public transport plans, or offer to cycle or something.

I dated someone who - like yours - worked away (so had his employer babysitting him, company digs, his salary stashed away, saving lots). He kept hinting I "should" get a car to make life easier for him.

It's a form of "wifework" and selfishness in my opinion: so I get the maintenance and the hassle of choosing, owning, financing, AND no drinking whilst he can relax and be chaffeured from place to place like a little boy.

Like yours, he wanted to do fancy social stuff, trips away involving someone driving, and was happy to pay for it, but I have my own money, I'd rather do something local and pay my half than act as chauffeur so he can have the ideal social life he wants?

Incidentally, I finished with my non-driver after a short period of time. But I know someone who married a very, very well-off guy, who lived in a great big mansion in the country and liked to eat out and go out.

He basically expects her to drive "them" so he can have the nights out he wants. Even though she has a very nice lifestyle in lots of ways - trips abroad, and a life of luxury due to his income - she HATES the driving thing.

I get the impression its not the driving itself, it's the fact that he's just delegated it to to her and won't consider any alternatives - he sees it as "wifework" shitwork that she does.

It's infantilising himself - rather than their nights out being a joint team thing, he gets "boys playtime" where he can eat well and get drunk, and she has to drive back home with him pissed and/or snoring in the front seat.

I couldn't date a man like that. He sounds a bit tight and lazy. He might not be, but asking someone in a new relationship to ferry you around all the time is lazy.

I would suggest he gets public transport, regardless of the time it takes and see how interested he is then.

My partner choosing not to have a car, but he won't let me drive him around, he cycles everywhere and has a nice body to show for it. If it was online, I would not have even considered him, we met via a hobby.

It maybe as the relation develops he sees the value in a car. Does he pay for the fuel?

My partner choosing not to have a car, but he won't let me drive him around, he cycles everywhere and has a nice body to show for it. If it was online, I would not have even considered him, we met via a hobby.

It maybe as the relation develops he sees the value in a car. Does he pay for the fuel?

I think he sounds lazy too. You need to talk to him about the car situation and make it clear you are not happy. You have nothing to lose.

Talk to him about it.

the simplest thing (as a couple of posters also suggested) is to put him on your insurance so that you can pick him up and then he can drive your car to places he wants to go (14 miles away). Thought you still have to drive yourself back after he drives you both back to his place.
This way you'll also know whether he's lost his licence or not!

I'd say the bigger issue is him living with his brother - sounds like he avoids any practical responsibility and independence.