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Original poster

Need Advice - He doesn't have a car

124 replies

chargedproton · 07/06/2014 12:58

Hello All. Basically I'm after some opinions.

I've been getting to know a guy for 5-6 months that I met through online dating. After meeting some right idiots through the service, I finally found someone I clicked with.

He's tall, really attractive, good job and had treated me with so much respect. We have so many shared interests and opinions.

The problem - He's a contractor. He works away Monday to Friday down south and the comes home on Friday evening to Sunday. We try to see each other every Saturday.

However he has no car. The company pays for his travelling. He could have a company car but he's opted for taking the train as he can just relax on the journey. Therefore, for the past few dates, I've had to pick him up and drop him off. He lives in the middle of nowhere with a dead end train station. So getting to me via a train or bus would take him a few hours (about 3-4!!).

But I feel like a taxi service. I could tell he feels bad about it but what other option is there? It doesn't make me feel very lady like either. It's not necessary the driving around, it's the picking him up and dropping him off as that adds 2 hours extra of driving (takes an hour to get to him and back).

He's deleted his online dating profile since he's met me and we speak everyday. However, I can sense myself pulling away as I dread the driving around (I hate driving anyway). I haven't arranged to see him today as I can't be bothered.

I do like him and I think this issue is stopping me from falling for him.

Is my issue trivial? Or do you think I should end it? Any ladies been in my situation??

OP posts:
BeCool · 09/06/2014 01:02

Surely he can leave his house at other times to do other things and is therefore capable of getting about?

Tell him how you feel about the driving OP. Either he figures a way to get to you (perhaps he can get company car now?) or not.

Do you never spend the night together?

BeCool · 09/06/2014 01:03

Surely the company would pay the expenses of running a co car?

beaglesaresweet · 09/06/2014 01:09

it sounds like he prefers train journeys, and if the company paid for the car, he would HAVE to drive, no trains. It's his choice really. But he could easily hire a car at alternate weekends - or as mentioned drive the OP's car half the time.

BeCool · 09/06/2014 14:06

but if he had a company car he could have a proper lovely relationship!

I would not be putting a relatively uncommitted new partner onto my insurance so he could use my car as his own.

I do think it is odd that the Op & her BF are only seeing each other on Saturdays but aren't spending the night hence a lot of the driving OP is doing is to pick him up and drop him off. OP could you not just meet in the middle?

BranchingOut · 09/06/2014 16:28

Why don't you both get on the train and meet somewhere in the middle?

I don't think he should get a car if he doesn't need one for his day to day life - maybe take the odd taxi or hire a car to even things up, but otherwise I rather agree with Solid.

BranchingOut · 09/06/2014 16:34

Also, isn't this part and parcel of online dating - you are given the opportunity to meet people whom you might not have come across on the ordinary run of things?

BeCool · 09/06/2014 16:45

are you sure he's not on day release from prison?

Sunnyfeet · 09/06/2014 16:57

Well maybe I'm old fashioned, but I would feel very strange having to drive to a man's house, to collect him to go on a date!

Men should be: taller, working, living away from parents, owning a car - basically they should be vaguely, well, manly ..... Unless of course you prefer to a date a boy?

Sunnyfeet · 09/06/2014 17:00

If a man doesn't have a car, it somehow emasculates him.

BeCool · 09/06/2014 17:21

have a flipped into some weird time warp?

HilariousInHindsight · 09/06/2014 17:37

Ah so we can't say women are supposed to be softer, maternal and good cooks but it's ok to say a man has to be stronger, drive and have a higher paying job?

Sexism works both ways you know.

Genuinely shocked at the double standards here.

Sunnyfeet · 09/06/2014 17:52

Maybe some of us are just old fashioned girls????

comingintomyown · 09/06/2014 18:31

So why can't he just catch the train from work straight to yours on a Friday night and a selection of variations on that theme ?

I wouldn't want to do all that driving either but equally seems shallow and mean to get rid of him for this

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 09/06/2014 18:45

I think op has othern concerns that her gut instinct is telling her. I don't think a lack of car interface is a show stopper, I think when a man is keen on a woman he finds his way to her, for me the issue would be that he is not walking, catching the train, flying or driving to me. Call me old fashioned but if a man wants me... He comes to me until our relationship is fully established then I will make things a bit more even. It's a way of filtering the men from the boys.

Isetan · 09/06/2014 18:57

This isn't about him not having a car, it's about being selfish in expecting the OP to shoulder the financial and physical responsibility of chauffeuring him around to fascilitate their relationship.

I live in a big city and therefore I'm nott dependent on having a car or being dependent on someone who has. Your 'good guy' appears to have a selfish and entitled streak. Simply suggest that you should take it in turns to be responsible for transportation, if he balks and makes excuses then 'he ain't all that into you'.

Cabrinha · 09/06/2014 23:11

Sunnyfeet - WTAF?

BeCool · 10/06/2014 09:50

saying a man should or shouldn't drive is immaterial here - the guy we are talking about does drive. He chooses not to.

He would rather the OP does all the driving at her cost both financial and time wise. All their dates depend on the OP going out of her way to ferry him around. As many have pointed out, he must be getting on with the rest of his life without having anyone chauffeur him around.

BeCool · 10/06/2014 09:59

OP - how does he get to all his outdoors activities if he doesn't drive?

So why can't he just catch the train from work straight to yours on a Friday night
yes to this and a million other possibilities.
I am more and more inclined to think the 'job down south' is a prison and he is on weekend release and must stay at his brothers house as a condition of that release.

Or he is the tightest man in town - got a good job, low accommodation costs, all transport paid for by his work and he won't facilitate his own transport (train, taxi, bike, car whatever) so he can go on a date? It's too weird.

Plus they have been seeing each other for 5 months now and they don't spend the night together? Which also rings alarm bells for me.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2014 10:21

Maybe some of us are just old fashioned girls????

Excuse me, I think I've wandered onto the wrong talkboard... but where are the sparkles?

Sunnyfeet · 10/06/2014 12:19

What's wrong with wanting to be collected from home by the man when you go out in a date?

Fairylea · 10/06/2014 12:31

Sunny are you my mother?? She's 65 and been single for the last 30 years. No man is every manly enough for her. Whatever the fuck that actually means.

I thought having a penis made a man a man. Not having a car.

Sunnyfeet · 10/06/2014 13:07

If you read the whole thread you'll realise I'm not alone with my opinion. Can't comment on your mum though!

Sunnyfeet · 10/06/2014 13:13

I should add that I wouldn't expect a man to be my taxi service, just that on a first date I would feel weird if it was me picking him up.

BeCool · 10/06/2014 14:00

well we don't know if he picked the OP up on the first date or not - they are now in month 5-6 of dating.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2014 14:02

Has the OP ever come back?