Need Advice - He doesn't have a car

[chargedproton]

Hello All. Basically I'm after some opinions.

I've been getting to know a guy for 5-6 months that I met through online dating. After meeting some right idiots through the service, I finally found someone I clicked with.

He's tall, really attractive, good job and had treated me with so much respect. We have so many shared interests and opinions.

The problem - He's a contractor. He works away Monday to Friday down south and the comes home on Friday evening to Sunday. We try to see each other every Saturday.

However he has no car. The company pays for his travelling. He could have a company car but he's opted for taking the train as he can just relax on the journey. Therefore, for the past few dates, I've had to pick him up and drop him off. He lives in the middle of nowhere with a dead end train station. So getting to me via a train or bus would take him a few hours (about 3-4!!).

But I feel like a taxi service. I could tell he feels bad about it but what other option is there? It doesn't make me feel very lady like either. It's not necessary the driving around, it's the picking him up and dropping him off as that adds 2 hours extra of driving (takes an hour to get to him and back).

He's deleted his online dating profile since he's met me and we speak everyday. However, I can sense myself pulling away as I dread the driving around (I hate driving anyway). I haven't arranged to see him today as I can't be bothered.

I do like him and I think this issue is stopping me from falling for him.

Is my issue trivial? Or do you think I should end it? Any ladies been in my situation??

My son doesn't drive yet (is learning) but he will catch many buses to see a girl.

Why are you picking him up? Is he not able to entertain you at HIS place? Does he not want to keep a neat and tidy home and cook for you?

Thanks for the replies.

He lives with his brother, who has a company car too (so he can't borrow that). His brother drives him around, they share friends etc.

He can drive. He's had his license for 15 years. He's parked my car for me a few times in tight spots and has given me advice on cars etc.

He can't get the bus or train to meet me as it takes him 3-4 hours. For example: a 14 mile car journey, takes him 3 hours and 22 minutes with 2 changes (I researched it).

I've hinted that I don't like driving and if he minds not having a car. He prefers not having one as he doesn't have to worry about all the way to work on Monday morning. So I don't think he wants one.

He wants to go to places that are like 2 hours away, which I didn't agree to, I just brushed the plans off as who does he expect to drive there?!

I don't mind him not driving me around but I mind the driving around local places but picking him and up and dropping me off is becoming a chore. I don't know if he actually cares though? Once I had to go past the place we were going to eat, pick him up (30 minutes), go back around to that place, drop him off again and then go home :(.

Plus I'm quite traditional and into chivalry. What happened to guy picking the girl up for the first couple of dates??

I have been to his place but we are both outdoorsy people so like to go out and do things. Plus we love food so like to try and eat out at new places (he pays).

I'd tell him! Tell him the driving is growing tiresome.

Yep...be honest. A date once walked out on me as a couldnt drive. It is a deal breaker for some. If id started rabbiting on about me not driving for environmental reasons hed have thought I was a wierdo...whatever.
I do drive now but id be cheesed off if I had to drive a guy everywhete.

If this is the only snag tbough id give him a chance!

is he too poor to get a taxi?

A taxi would cost him about £30 there and back depending where we meet. He lives in a village so we tend to go outside of his area. I'd feel bad as it would cost me that much to pick him up!!

*wouldn't

Instead of telling Mumsnet your concerns, tell him.

See what he thinks.

If he isn't sympathetic, it says a lot about his attitude to you.

It's a deal breaker for me too! I had a date with a guy a while back who doesn't drive. I didn't see him again.

I love driving and will drive anywhere but I also agree with being fair. It would eventually annoy me I think!

Why doesn't his brother give him a lift? Or he takes a bus. Why feel bad about his taking a bus?

I would just tell him all the driving is a bit wearing. Ad leave it at that.

See now he responds.

If he feels bad about it as you say in your OP, why doesn't he do something about it.

I would have already.

Sounds a bit lazy.

OK it does sound a bit weird, as he must have been managing just fine as a car-free person before he met you. But the only person who can resolve the situation or at least explain it properly is him. Have you tried telling him your car is broken or otherwise unavailable for the next date?

It just all seems utterly alien to me as not only am I car-free but nearly all the men I have ever dated have been car-free as well.

Are you in London SGB? It's just I'm out in the sticks (nearest shop 5 miles), and I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least regular access to a car.

Being car-free in a place with decent public transport is sensible and environmentally friendly (I lived car-free for years in big cities). Being car-free in the middle of nowhere and expecting other people to ferry you around (more than doubling their own mileage in the process) is just selfish.

Can't he get a taxi then???

if you were two grown-ups, you would both drive alternate weeks.

If one of you could afford to buy a car, but chose not to, a car, that one would pay for taxis instead. If very hard up, maybe not.

In places with good public transport it is not as bad, but a cab home after a night out is still nicer.

This person lives with their brother. I always thought it was people who had lived with their mums too long that lacked independence.

I still suspect he's lost his licence, though.

hmmm... I suspect he's lost his licence too. I've also known a few people who have been named drivers on relative's company cars where they live at the same address, some companies see that as part of the 'perk', so it could be worth asking if he can use his brothers car sometimes. Tbh, it's also unusual that a company will say you can have a company car or use the train - usually it's a mixture of both, although the tax implications can mean it is very expensive to have a company car if you have a low mileage.

Just tell him that you are fed up with all the driving and ask him if he could either buy a cheap car for the weekends or occasionally rent one to take you out.

I have no car and am in a car free household. It is in London though and public transport even with Boris as Mayor is excellent.

It would be sad if no car was a deal breaker.

Normally I'm at this idea that a non-driving/car owning male is somehow lesser. It's all a bit teenage.

But this sounds annoying (and yes, like he's lost his license.)

You're into "chivalry" and you get someone else to park your car for you?
I'd dump YOU!!!

And how on earth does him being 14 miles away take you an extra 2 hours?!!!

Make sure your plans to meet are based on what you want to do and where you wNt to go IRRESPECTIVE of his choice to be with or without a car. If you plan to eat out arrange to meet at the restaurant not at his train station. Sounds like your doing a bit of rescuing and I think it can infantilise him and turn you into a parental figure - if he wants to see you he"ll work out his side of the planning - it's got nothing to do with you .....
Am I being too simplistic??