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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In pieces - husband has just left

99 replies

justfoundout2014 · 05/06/2014 22:40

I had a thread a couple of weeks ago but don't know how to do links. Basically, I found out a couple of weeks ago that my sahd husband had had an affair with a mutual friend (in my house and bed) for 2.5 years. As far as I know it has been over for about a year but, after 2 weeks of rowing but saying we were going to try relate to make it work, though he kept saying we had to face the possibility of splitting, tonight he says he wants to stay in the house, but not as a couple, as he still loves her - though he is still adamant that he is not seeing her anymore.

I had been saying I wouldn't cope alone with the children, the house AND my job, so this solution was apparently for my benefit. I told him I had changed my mind about coping and asked him to leave and he did.

I have no local friends, been on the phone all evening but now don't know what to do. Can't stop shaking. dc are in bed and know nothing yet. Don't know how I'll survive tonight, never mind further.

I just can't believe this is happening. Feels like my life is over. How can I go to work? Don't even know if dc are sandwiches or dinners tomorrow without him. What am I going to do?

OP posts:
MillyONaire · 05/06/2014 22:43

Call in sick for tomorrow - this is a massive upheaval in your life. Keep your chin up til kids are packed off to school then fall to pieces, THEN do your best to call in support and try to get a plan in place - once you have the bones of a plan it'll be something to cling to. Courage!

Innocentbystander01 · 05/06/2014 22:45

Small steps .
Make yourself a hot drink and sit down.
Ring in sick tomorrow it will be fine.
Don't worry about sandwiches just give the dc some dinner money.
After your drink get into bed, put in the tv or radio low so you have some background noise .
If you can try and sleep or stay on here we will hold your hand.
Just remember baby steps over the next few days xx

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/06/2014 22:45

Here's your previous thread SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

I am so utterly sorry you are going through this.

Can you call on family or a friend to sit with you? We are all here too but I think you need somebody IRL x

happystory · 05/06/2014 22:46

They are still his children, he can't just bail. He needs to step up and be a man, a father to his kids, regardless of what's going on between you two.

Innocentbystander01 · 05/06/2014 22:47

You will be fine btw. When you feel up to it get a free consultation with a solicitor.
If you can access online banking and you have a joint account I would recommend transferring it to an account only you can use.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 22:48

I'm sorry it's ended and you're so upset. Try to stay calm, have a hot drink and see if you can get some sleep. Contact someone in the morning at work and tell them that there's been a family crisis so that you have a few days to think about what to do next. The DCs might know about their routine things like sandwiches and dinners etc.

Good luck

fairylightsintheloft · 05/06/2014 22:51

Definitely take a few days off. When my marriage ended I took a week off just because there was no space in my head to deal with anything. Agree with others, get kids to school with minimal fuss then sit down and cry / yell whatever. .and contact rl people to help you too...though lots of lovely people on here will too x

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 05/06/2014 22:52

He doesn't want to bail on his kids - he thinks he can still do most of it without the marriage bit. I don't see why he should get to feel like he hasn't caused too much disruption and still look like super dad. Of course I can't stop him seeing them, but don't want him t use them to feel like he's not a shit.

Don't think I can stop his access to account. I am breadwinnerand he has no income or savings. He keeps saying he doesn't want to live off me and will get a job but suppose I have to support him for now.

I have no one near in rl - people I'm closest to are at work and I guess I won't be going in and I don't really see them outside. other friends are a couple of hours away. My Mum is coming sunday.

Why has he done this?

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 05/06/2014 22:55

I have just read your previous thread, he has treated you appallingly and he shouldn't have told you the details of his affair!

Where has he gone tonight?

Can your Mum come sooner?

It's Friday tomorrow, phone in sick and take next week off. They will have support staff who can take over your job for now. You need to focus on you.

I'm so sorry.

Stay on here for support xx

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 05/06/2014 23:20

God I just miss him. Photos of us everywhere and I keep thinking of things we were going to do, things we said recently. Why did I make hi leave? He would be here now if I hadn't. Now I have pushed him to her. I can't look at anything. This was supposed to be our forever home, now it will have to go. I can't do this

OP posts:
dollius · 05/06/2014 23:23

No! He will not realise what he has lost if you don't make him leave.

So what if he is with her - all the more reason to tell him to get to fuck.

YOU have NOT pushed him to her. That was all his own doing!!

Paddlingduck · 05/06/2014 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 05/06/2014 23:29

I did push him though, our marriage has been shit for ages and I have poured my energies into dc and work. that is true, he says I don't see him as a real person.

A friend I spoke to earlier told me he had put on fb (I'm not on it) 'Big changes afoot.' He posted this about 90 mins before he told me his big plan. How can he trivialise our lives like that? Why is he such an arsehole? Where is the man I married? I can imagine us ripping into someone else who posted that, now it's him.

I don't think he can be with her physically as far as I know she's still with her h, but what do I know? Everything has been a lie. I want to ring him.

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 05/06/2014 23:46

Re-read your original thread and then realise what a total bastard he actually is and get angry OP! How bloody dare he! Anger is your friend here!

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/06/2014 00:52

I would suggest you read your original thread, if you can bear it.

If you call him, it will make you feel much worse. He's horrible for posting his cryptic plans on FB and they have both destroyed so much. He was sleeping with her all through her pregnancy! In your bed! With your DC downstairs and only a stair gate as a barrier!! They are both disgusting!

I'm sorry to bring details from your other thread but this is appalling behaviour. Give yourself time to grieve your marriage, speak to those who care, your Mum must be terribly worried about you. Hold your DCs close to you, you will draw strength from them.

No matter what time it is, you can call the Samaritans, they will listen to you as long as you need and calmed me down many times which helped me get a couple of hours sleep.

People are thinking of you and do care for you, please remember that and use them for the support they will want to give to you.

Lots of us have been there and have survived, I couldn't see it myself at the time but it won't always hurt like this.

Take tomorrow off work and sleep when you can xx

tallwivglasses · 06/06/2014 01:03

handful, what a lovely post. OP, you've done everything right so far. Stay strong.

LiberalLibertine · 06/06/2014 01:17

JustFound love I'm so so sorry your H Morphed into an utter twat, but he has, and you are now better off that he's left.

Nope,I doesn't feel it now, but it will love I promise you.

One foot in front of the other for now, make kids packed lunch, then ask them in morning.

We are all here for you x x

somedizzywhore1804 · 06/06/2014 02:09

Anyone shagging their long term mistress in their marital bed is a scumbag. Doing it while their wife is pregnant makes them even lower than a scumbag.

Your life can only be improved by not having this dreadful man in it.

Caramelle · 06/06/2014 02:15

I am so sorry you are going through this. Everyone is giving you excellent advice. What he has done is absolutely disgusting. And posting on Facebook like a teenager, hinting to the world at what was to come, is just lower than low.

Original poster
justfoundout2014 · 06/06/2014 04:08

Thank you for the replies but how can it be better? How can anything ever be sorted or be ok again? What does it say about me to be married to someone so low ? I just don't see how we can ever sort anything again. I'm going to lose my children, at least some of the time, why doesn't he want to try for them?

once the dc are in school, what can I do then?

OP posts:
bragmatic · 06/06/2014 05:00

You will be fine. Now it seems like you won't, but you will.

Things will be different. They can still be good. Maybe not short term. But they can be good.

Just because the bastard's gone, don't let him shirk his responsibilities wrt the children.

Raskova · 06/06/2014 05:52

You really are better off without it him. It won't feel like that for now but soon, you'll realise you don't want or need him and you will be happier.

Where is he staying?

I'd try and find permanent Childcare over the weekend. There's no need to rely on him for anything.

If you feel you'll need more than a week off call your GP but your work will understand. Thanks

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/06/2014 06:58

You need to make an appointment to see your GP and see what support they can offer. They will be able to give you something to help you cope with the initial shock.

This is not a reflection on you, their actions are selfish and disgusting and purely for their own lustful, deceitful desires.

My heart breaks when I see another post like this appear as I know it is the start of a long road but with support you will be able to cope. I'm guessing you need to be strong in your profession and your recent promotion shows that you have strength and intelligence - use that to help you here.

Give yourself as much time as you need. It might be too early for you to see a solicitor but when you're ready, make an appointment as this will help you know what options are available for you and your DCs.

I'm sorry to be the one to mention it but I think you should arrange an STI check.

Can your Mum come sooner?

dwinnol · 06/06/2014 07:51

Justfoundout - I'm sorry you are going through this. Please try to take it a day at a time. Today concentrate on getting DC to school with packed lunches and big smiles. Mummy is taking them to school today for a nice change. And the reason is because you have a meeting nearby.

Then you need to stop him accessing your joint bank account. You can arrange to give him money another way but stop him having full access.

Always here to listen and hand hold. I've been there and come out the other side much much happier. Xx

Butterflyspring · 06/06/2014 08:21

OP - this is not your fault, you did not push him into this, you did not cause this. He chose to be unfaithful because he is flawed, he is a liar and quite frankly you are far too good for him.

You have done exactly the right thing getting him out. Lean on your friends, see your GP and a solicitor and whatever you do, you must not contact him.