In pieces - husband has just left

[justfoundout2014]

I had a thread a couple of weeks ago but don't know how to do links. Basically, I found out a couple of weeks ago that my sahd husband had had an affair with a mutual friend (in my house and bed) for 2.5 years. As far as I know it has been over for about a year but, after 2 weeks of rowing but saying we were going to try relate to make it work, though he kept saying we had to face the possibility of splitting, tonight he says he wants to stay in the house, but not as a couple, as he still loves her - though he is still adamant that he is not seeing her anymore.

I had been saying I wouldn't cope alone with the children, the house AND my job, so this solution was apparently for my benefit. I told him I had changed my mind about coping and asked him to leave and he did.

I have no local friends, been on the phone all evening but now don't know what to do. Can't stop shaking. dc are in bed and know nothing yet. Don't know how I'll survive tonight, never mind further.

I just can't believe this is happening. Feels like my life is over. How can I go to work? Don't even know if dc are sandwiches or dinners tomorrow without him. What am I going to do?

[wannabestressfree]

I am afraid I agree with magoria. It sounds as if he is pushing you to end it so he can throw his hands in the air and say 'but I wanted it to work'!. I would just play along and let him do exactly as he wants and gain advice in the meantime. It may rattle him if anything else. Take care x

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

Magoria - YES!

[magoria]

Your marriage as you have said has much worse problems than just his 18 month affair and potential other child.

I actually thinks he wants out. Dropping the affair on you during an argument. Saying he is still in love with her and going off the grid for a day. Treating you with complete contempt. He just doesn't have the guts to do it so wants you to be the 'baddie'.

He is doing stuff where it is expected you will say that is it fuck off but then having the little chats so he can say he wanted to try again but...

Either that or it sounds to me like he thinks he has said just enough for you to stop rattling the bars of your cage and go back to being the good little wife and provider.

Now he thinks he has done that he can go back to being him.

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

Well no, thats not true, I didn't leave, my husband did because he knew it was the honourable thing to do.

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

This is not how he should be behaving but I respect your wish to have all your ducks in a row before you take that final shot at him.

Is there anyway he could be doing the same thing? Could he be going through the pretend motions of wanting to reconcile while sorting legalities out behind your back. Its just he would hardly be deemed unreasonable for looking after his dad or taking him out - it seems like a convenient excuse.

Sorry if I sound cynical but it really comes from personal experience. And for what its worth it took me 3 years of planning to get my ducks in a row. Hard years, very hard years, but I did leave after almost 40 years of marriage.

[LBZT]

Maybe text him and ask him to spend a couple more days at his parents (try being polite here so not to raise alarm) sorry your worried about your dad sort of thing. This can buy you time to get yourself sorted re solictors etc. I think he has to go but you really need to cover your back before taking action because you do not want to regret what you do now long term.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Sorry lovely, I wasn't disputing that your FIL was poorly but I think sometimes they exaggerate it to detach themselves from the reality. You and your marriage should be his priority this weekend!

Well done on the solicitor, you need to know where you stand.

Even this week, after seeing my stbxh for the first time since January, I became snippy at my DS who is 20. I know it makes you feel awful but you are so full of emotion right now and I'm sure you gave your DCs a hug. Hold them close, they will be your strength.

How are you feeling today?

[justfoundout2014]

No, told my mum not to come.

His father IS ill - I have contact with his family - that bit, and about his mother's op is true.

I have rung him and he said he wouldn't go out tonight, but 'has to' take his dad out . I said 'do what you think is important' and hung up. Yes, he is being arrogant.

I'll be straight on to solicitors tomorrow.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Can he stay at his parents?

Whatever you do, don't contact him. I'm sorry but he sounds arrogant in his manner. This situation needs to take priority and he should be doing everything he can from the start to make things right!

FWIW, my stbxh also sais family members were ill (hell, he even said he thought he had cancer and I caused it). By using illness / sympathy about the family members, it takes away from the terrible things they need to face up to. It is of course all lies.

Please try and remember that your H has lied for 2 years, he is good at it - don't forget that.

Can you seek legal advice tomorrow? Did you contact a few firms yesterday?

Is your Mum with you today?

[Butterflyspring]

no not 'deciding to come back' - you are in control here, not him. You are putting yourself at his mercy and whims. Who cares what his parents think - you know the truth. he wasn't thinking of his home while he was chasing her.

So you going to see a solicitor this week? And please tell him to stay away.

If he had any respect for you and wanted to fix things he would be jumping through hoops to put things right, give you space, go to counselling, etc. I am sure you know all this already.

[justfoundout2014]

That's how I feel, Butterflyspring, but I don't think I can because it's his home etc etc. Would anyone agree with a man doing that to his sahm wife in these circumstances. I genuinely don't know. Don't know wtf his parents are thinking either - they know what is going on, inc his affair - if it were my dc in the future, I would be packing them off home, not suggesting a meal out . I'm not blaming them, btw, he is the one who should be deciding to come back.

[Butterflyspring]

so he is carrying on as normal pleasing himself and expects you to put up with it. I don't agree about letting him stay there at all - I would have his bags on the doorstep at 7.30pm. And don't text him anything at all.

[justfoundout2014]

Right, after no contact from him yesterday, (text to say he'd arrived ok, a call to see how the dc and I were etc) he has just rang to say that, as it's his df's b/day, they are all going out to lunch so he will not be home until 7.30pm. Then he has a rehearsal (plays in a band), so will be straight out again. I was so astounded by his selfishness, I just said, "fine, bye." suppose he could tell I wasn't happy, but I didn't say more.

Spent last night looking into the legal side and I am increasingly convinced I should let him stay here and keep thinks low-key while I get some advice.

Now I'm so pissed off with him today, I feel like telling him not to bother coming back at all, or just sending some shitty texts. He's taking the piss, isn't he?

Fuck, have just shouted at the dc. It's not fair . I've been on my own with them (apart from friends round for 3 days now. But it's complicated - I'd told him to go on Fri, he HAD to go to his Mum's yesterday (don't know if he HAS to go on b/day lunch - his Dad is ill, h feels he may be dying, though he has no terminal illness and is not that old).

Don't know what to do.

[upnotdown]

The benefit of having a break (asking him to move out for a while), in my experience, is that it gives HIM time to experience life without you in his pocket. Free to do as he wishes with the OW without you being in the equation. To taste the life he has been idealising. A chance to see that it was a fantasy (or not) and for the bubble to burst (or not). If he thinks that the new life is great, then that's fine - better you both know before putting yourselves through it all twice (or more).

It gives YOU the chance to experience life without him. Believe me, it's not as bad as you think. We're still together but the time we spent apart was invaluable to me. It's taught me many lessons, not least of all that I am an independent being with all the resourcefulness it takes to make it on my own. And as a result, I know that my OH is here because I WANT him here not because I NEED him here. He knows that too. He has witnessed me getting on without him, not self-destructing, being able to be rational ALL ON MY OWN. What I'm trying to say is, he knows he doesn't have carte blanche.

If you fall to pieces and act like you NEED him to function in your day to day life, you're elevating him to God status...and Gods can do what they like.

[LEMmingaround]

My father was a wonderful man snd I was lucky he was my dad. My parent's marriage was shit - he had an affair. Left the family hone for over a year. It was awful for me - I was 12. They got back together - my mum could never forget and it tainted their marriage forever. It meant that the atmosphere in the home was awful and I was stuck in the middle of it. It never ever went away - at the time I wanted my family back together but looking back they should have stayed separated. They both would have been happier. I would have been happier.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I spent an hour emailing all the family solicitors in my area asking if tehy offered a free 30 minute consultation. They all got back to me within 2 days. I saw a couple and found one that I 'clicked' with.

[justfoundout2014]

Ok, so you think I should say nothing more, go along with what we've said, until I see a solicitor. I suppose that does make sense. How long does it take to get an appointment?

[LBZT]

Why do you need to ask him to leave before you get legal advice that doesn't make sense, you need to talk from a place of knowledge when you do speak to him.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Well, either you were a fool or he was a good liar. I know which I think! (the 2nd!)
You don't sound like a walk over but you do sound in shock and totally overwhelmed at the idea of a single parent. The shock will wear off and I personally hope you see that you can both be great parents apart. From what you say he is a good man who has (and still is) behaving badly, that doesn't mean you have to stay married to him though.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Is your Mum still visiting tomorrow?

[justfoundout2014]

No, I don't think he's been a hero. It's just that there have been a fair few comments on here about how I need to make sure he can't get 'my' money, can't call himself a real dad etc And, while I don't want to 'get at' anyone who has been trying to support me, and I appreciate the sentiment behind these posts, I just wanted to make clear that he has done his bit, despite it all.

This is as much for my own self-respect as anything else- I feel a fool for not noticing what was going on under my nose, so I want to make it clear I'm not a complete walk-over and he hasn't been behaving like a total and utter cocklodger over these years.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

You sound much stronger and more aware of the alternatives than before which is great. I would get legal advice ASAP. You seem to think a separation equals war, it doesn't have to be like that. If he is as good a man as you insist he is, then a supportive co-parenting relationship is very very possible. Yes finances can be complicated, but not insurmountable.

Another thing, he did what stay at home parents do. Please don't think this person who probably got someone pregnant on your marital bed while looking after your kids while you are at work is a hero. 18 months affair is not a mistake. You deserve some happiness and respect too.

[Itsfab]

Good luck but protect yourself as he must do as well.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

....oh and say as little as possible to him. Hold your cards close to your chest, hard as it may be. He can use anything against you, even in the most amicable of splits, it happens.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I think it's the right decision to ask him to leave for a period of time.

From my own experience, don't believe it when he says that he wouldn't take the family home. Once reality sets in and advice is sought from family and friends, they often change their minds. My stbxh initially said he would leave me with all the equity, a few months down the line and with poison from my exPIL, he is now asking for a sizeable chunk.

My exPIL also gifted us some money for a deposit and my stbxh says we had a kind of pre-nup to say we would give that back if we split. No such agreement exists and I'm now fighting to say that if he wants to pay them back then it comes out of his income as it was a gift.

Your best option is to get legal advice and know exactly where you stand. See a financial adviser as well.

You sound much more level headed today x