In pieces - husband has just left

[justfoundout2014]

I had a thread a couple of weeks ago but don't know how to do links. Basically, I found out a couple of weeks ago that my sahd husband had had an affair with a mutual friend (in my house and bed) for 2.5 years. As far as I know it has been over for about a year but, after 2 weeks of rowing but saying we were going to try relate to make it work, though he kept saying we had to face the possibility of splitting, tonight he says he wants to stay in the house, but not as a couple, as he still loves her - though he is still adamant that he is not seeing her anymore.

I had been saying I wouldn't cope alone with the children, the house AND my job, so this solution was apparently for my benefit. I told him I had changed my mind about coping and asked him to leave and he did.

I have no local friends, been on the phone all evening but now don't know what to do. Can't stop shaking. dc are in bed and know nothing yet. Don't know how I'll survive tonight, never mind further.

I just can't believe this is happening. Feels like my life is over. How can I go to work? Don't even know if dc are sandwiches or dinners tomorrow without him. What am I going to do?

What can you say? Stick to practicals.

When does he want to see DC and where (away from the house).

Ask him to send you an email/text with a routine written down for the children.

No point in talking about your relationship. Sorry but it is completely fucked and there is no way back. He loves another woman. He doesn't want to be with you.

Co-habitating for the children will be a nightmare and is not fair on any of you. How will you move on with him there? Long term how can you bring a new man back if he is there? Do you have to accept him having other women there as you are just house sharing?

I think you need to present a calm shell even when you are a mess inside.

It is not your place to remind him about medicine etc.

ohe ignores you all day and then decides he needs to talk and expects you to welcome him .

A parent should never go incommunicado. There could have been an emergency with the children.

OP, sadly this was always going to happen - it is NOT a reflection on you. He is a prick.

You need to protect yourself now. Is the child benefit paid to you or him?

If he comes round making up some bollocks about why he has fucked someone else and you take him back it seems he has had all the fun of the affair and you have had all the pain. He has just had a panicked few minutes where he realises he will have to tell his mother what he has done as he needs to stay there. He doesn't want that so is coming round to talk himself back into your bed.

Watch out for the script.

Remember why you asked him to leave OP. You've done nothing wrong. All marriages have a rough patch. You deal with it by making an effort not fucking your wife's friend. I'm sorry to be blunt but I'd guess he's going to be trying to throw some blame about and hopes you'll mop some up.

Remember he's shagged her in your bed. An excellent Maya Angelou quote that is often mentioned here is "when someone tells you who they are you should listen".
Good luck with the meeting.

Don't be frightened it happens to lots of us!,

How did it go seeing him?

Did you go to work today?

Did you see the doctor?

Sorry for the questions, just want to know how you are

I know what people are going to think and say, and I was going to leave this, but did want to update people who have been very kind, particularly Handfulofcottonbuds

He came back with a different attitude. He realises what he could lose and says he doesn't know why he mentioned staying in contact with the OW as that is not at all important. I honestly think he has romanticised this old, finished affair due to all the other things going on for him at the moment.

I told him how disgusted I was by the fb post and he looked ashamed. He couldn't really explain it, just said he was on edge and wanted to tell someone something but couldn't properly. He didn't try to justify it.

I asked about being out of contact all day and he said he couldn't face a row when I first rang, and that my calm text that followed told him I was basically ok. I said I would never turn my phone off with the children away from me. Again, he looked ashamed, said sorry etc

He's gone to his Mum's now, as planned, due to her op, and will be back tomorrow. We started talking about practical things we could do to improve the marriage and got somewhere. He said before I did that he needs a job, feels totally unfulfilled and is really isolated since we moved.

I am going to take 2/3 days off next week so we can focus on us for a bit. I think we desperately need counselling but we're on the waiting list.

I am by no means sure that we will survive, but I am not ready to throw the towel in. There is too much at stake, and I still think that the best outcome for everyone would be for us to find a way through this.

Thank you for all the messages yesterday. They ALL helped me think about it from different angles and get different perspectives on it.

good luck -l hope you can make it work. It won't be the old marriage you had but perhaps the start of a different new relationship .

So he told you it was 10 min sex sessions in your bed at first. (financed by you) Then, he tells you actually he is in love. Now he tells you its all over?

In your first thread, you blamed her. In this thread, you blame yourself. I wonder when you will see this man for what he is. Have you any plans to see the child that everyone thinks is his?
I can't understand your desperation to keep this man, sorry.

I hope you don't let him come home yet - and I really hope you get some individual counselling for yourself. You need to work on that self esteem and hopefully see that you deserve so much more than this 'man' is offering you.

I know you want your old life back, and you will minimise and sweep stuff under the carpet - anything to keep hole of him. But honestly, this is no way to live. The fear of him doing it again, and he will if you let him back, will eat up at you from the inside.

I am sorry you don't see how someone as strong and as lovely as you deserves someone so much better than this.

Someone who treats you and your children with the love, respect and kindness you give to them.

I fear he is going to be 'ashamed' for the rest of his life. But I hope I'm wrong, for your sake.

It's good of you to update and I hope you are feeling better.

Something occurs to me, skip the next paragraph if you'd rather.

He dropped this on you in the middle of a row. He knew full well OW's H had known for 12 months and might have blurted it out to you out of the blue but had kept quiet. In spite of everything he's done I get the feeling he is claiming victim status. He's felt isolated? The partner who's been betrayed is often the isolated person, left floundering, in a panic, unable to go public.

Sorry.

It's your life and your decision. Just two questions:

Where was he last night?

And is he now denying he loves OW?

That must have been a difficult update to post.

You know your husband best, OP. From my perspective, you do seem to be minimising and making excuses for his actions, and so much of what you recount seems to be about him; what he wants, what he needs. But I don't know you, and I don't know him. If you feel he is depressed and unfulfilled, making big mistakes but genuinely willing to work on them and fix your marriage, then all I can say is that I truly hope it works out for you in the best possible way.

I meant what I wrote before - you do sound lovely. You do deserve to be happy, respected, treasured, and loved. I hope you believe this.

Oh op, thanks for updating.

We will be here when you need us, anytime, with no 'I told you so's'

Take care of yourself, and best of luck x

OP I wish you and your family all the best and hope things can be happy for you all again

Thank you for updating.

MNers offer great support and advice, particularly when we are sadly coming to terms with the unbelievable pain and trauma that an affair brings. Many lovely ladies sat up with me through the night when I was at my most desperate.

Someone early on told me to take the advice I needed from the posts and I really don't think I would have got through the last 9 months as I have without the support on here.

Having said that, this is your life and this is your decision. I would just say take your time and please don't make your decision based on ending the raw pain that you have been feeling because the pain doesn't last forever. You come across as a lovely person but you have been treated terribly.

I used to believe that there was no coming back from an affair. Now I don't think anyone can be sure until they are in that situation.

I wish you happiness and peace of mind and MN is always here for you xx

Are there any consequences for him as there doesn't seem to be any and you seem to be the only one in emotional pain and the only one making changes to fix what YOU didn't break in the first place.

I think at least a week off work if not two. Because you need time to clear your head after this massive upheaval in your life. I think folk on MN will have lots of practical advice. Not sure you can stop somebody accessing a joint bank account without their agreement so it would be better IMHO to start a new account in your name only into which your salary is paid.

Sorry didn't read update or whole thread.

Justfoundout - sometimes its a case of one step forward and one step back before a person leaves a situation that isn't good for them and you are now in the midst of your 'one step back'.

Very soon however you'll take that step forward again and when you do - you will be on your way to the life you deserve.

A wise friend of mine says that in a relationship - it's not over until you finally hit the wall, and while you can often see it coming for a while - you have to wait until you get there.

But, the children are now both in school, he needs to get a job, and you need to find alternative wrap around child care.

And next time he leaves, you need to take the money out of the family pot, so that he has to look after himself at the very least.

Ok, been thinking and talking to rl friends all day and had a bit of a rethink. I still want us to work through it, but I now think the best way for us to do this is for me to ask him to move out for a bit. I am also aware that, for either one of us, the end result may be that we stay split.

The affair is one thing and, though the details are disgusting, I really must stress the state of our marriage and how shit it was. For this there is fault on both sides. This is not me blaming myself, it is reality. I don't want to post details, but I really want to stress that I am by no means perfect. It doesn't justify what they did, but he's really not a typical affair-man.

Ok, so legally, I'm not in a good position. As well as his being a sahp, his mother gave us a very sizeable deposit for our first home, so there is no way I can even make him move out, never mind cut off his money, is there?

Before anyone says he has not been a 'real' sahp, I want to make clear what he has done, and continues to do:

• fully played with dc and stimulated them before they began school. Went to some groups, baked, did crafts etc. I KNOW this - I saw some of it and they talked about it when old enough. They are both very close to him. This is not just words, it is true. Ds, in particular, would be devastated not to live with him anymore.
• Done ALL the cooking (lots of from scratch stuff), washing up, laundry, beds, gardening, paperwork, bills, car stuff (I take our only car to work, so he has very limited use of it), shopping, most other cleaning, main dog-walking (didn't really want a dog, either) most DIY.
• has very often listened to me sound off about work, at great length, especially over the last 18 months when it has been more stressful than usual. It is true that I show little, if any interest in his ambitions, things he is working on
• undertaken a small amount (but as much as he can get) of paid work that can be done from home, including when the dc were babies. When ds was a baby he also taught in lang schools during some of my holidays.

-done all of the above while having fairly minor, but regular, relapses of his illness.

Now I don't think that anyone would say that a sahm who had done all that, even if she had done what h has done, should be kicked out with no money, would they?

Nonetheless, I would like to ask him to go for a bit. How can I be fair about money? I feel I should just say nothing initially, leaving him with his usual access to our account. I am worried that do to otherwise, as well as being unfair, could provoke him into seeking legal advice, and that would put me at more risk than him having a few pints on me.

Btw, I have told him that he would be legally entitled to the family home and our dc, but he swears he would never do that to me and that he wants to get a job and support himself. Last time we spoke, when I told him he could move back, he was still saying he wants to get a job regardless - not my suggestion. So, I'm worried if I make him feel vulnerable he might seek legal aid. In fact, he'd be stupid not to, wouldn't he?

As well as this, he's currently at his mother's, and she is likely to be telling him to look out for himself.

I will see a solicitor next week, but does anyone have any advice about how I should handle it tomorrow when I ask him to leave?

I think it's the right decision to ask him to leave for a period of time.

From my own experience, don't believe it when he says that he wouldn't take the family home. Once reality sets in and advice is sought from family and friends, they often change their minds. My stbxh initially said he would leave me with all the equity, a few months down the line and with poison from my exPIL, he is now asking for a sizeable chunk.

My exPIL also gifted us some money for a deposit and my stbxh says we had a kind of pre-nup to say we would give that back if we split. No such agreement exists and I'm now fighting to say that if he wants to pay them back then it comes out of his income as it was a gift.

Your best option is to get legal advice and know exactly where you stand. See a financial adviser as well.

You sound much more level headed today x