In pieces - husband has just left

[justfoundout2014]

I had a thread a couple of weeks ago but don't know how to do links. Basically, I found out a couple of weeks ago that my sahd husband had had an affair with a mutual friend (in my house and bed) for 2.5 years. As far as I know it has been over for about a year but, after 2 weeks of rowing but saying we were going to try relate to make it work, though he kept saying we had to face the possibility of splitting, tonight he says he wants to stay in the house, but not as a couple, as he still loves her - though he is still adamant that he is not seeing her anymore.

I had been saying I wouldn't cope alone with the children, the house AND my job, so this solution was apparently for my benefit. I told him I had changed my mind about coping and asked him to leave and he did.

I have no local friends, been on the phone all evening but now don't know what to do. Can't stop shaking. dc are in bed and know nothing yet. Don't know how I'll survive tonight, never mind further.

I just can't believe this is happening. Feels like my life is over. How can I go to work? Don't even know if dc are sandwiches or dinners tomorrow without him. What am I going to do?

[Fontella]

Justfoundout - he was fucking your friend in your bed. It doesn't get much worse than that. Not once but over an 18 month period that you know about. You have to try and keep that at the forefront of your mind at all times.

There really isn't any going back from something like that - it is the ultimate betrayal. If he's capable of doing that to you, what else is he capable of?

You will be fine honestly you will. Thousands if not millions of women have been where you are right now, and experienced the emotions you are feeling, and they came through and so will you.

When you feel your resolve crumbing, just remember what he did. You don't want to be living in the same house with the man who did that. He also couldn't be clearer about the fact that he doesn't love you and he loves the OW, and he would only be staying there out of pity really, because you previously told him you couldn't cope.

Show him (and yourself) that you can cope. The first thing is to secure your finances - there is no way he should have access to an account to which you are the sole contributor. You are now the primary carer for those children, paying all the bills and so on. As others have said, if you feel you have to support him financially until he gets a job (although to be honest, I'm not quite sure why?) then find another way to do it. Secure your account now. Make it a priority.

Your life is far from 'over'. Your life is just beginning, and one day you will come to see it. A life free from a lying, cheating, duplicitous shit of a man who treated you as no husband should ever treat a wife.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

By the way, why are you having to financially support him? He wasn't a SAHD - they look after and care for their DCs, not use their time when they should be doing that shagging a tramp while DCs are downstairs, no matter how quick the shag was - even while she was pregnant (turns my stomach)!!

You have the DCs, you use your money to support them and sort out childcare.

They both disgust me.

[LiberalLibertine]

Morning Just how are you doing today?

I actually don't think it is too early to see a solicitor, find out where you stand initially both financially and with the children.
Firstly though, yes, prevent access to your money.

Maybe ring work and get next week off?

You didn't marry someone so low, he changed, not your fault AT ALL if your marriage was so bad, He could have left, or got couple counselling, but he chose to betray you, for MONTHS with your children in the house.

He's changed into an utter bastard, so don't think for a minute he's above doing other shitty things to you to facilitate his new life.

I hope you're hanging in there ((hug))

[HappySunflower]

Absolutely stop him having access to your account, right now if you can.
Change all your passwords. You're going to have to probably use more paid childcare which will increase your living costs.

Please do not let him live off your earnings!

[fieldfare]

You have to turn this around in your head.
He's a complete arsehole and the sooner you are rid the better.
Of course you can work, look after the dc and manage the house. Please do not doubt your own abilities!
They're at school today, I'd ring into work and speak to whomever is your manager or HR, briefly explain the situation and take a week off. Then have a look at the banking and move everything into a sole ac. Also try and find a solicitor and seek some advice on how to proceed.
Make sure you have all docs to hand, pension statements, bank statements, investments, passports and birth certificates.
Decide on how much childcare you are going to need to enable you to continue working and providing, then source this locally.

He has treated you like shit, now you need to find your anger and deal with this head on. You can fall apart later when all the practicalities are dealt with. You have children, which are your absolutely priority. You WILL manage because of them, for them!

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

Just to acknowledge your heartbreak and the very understandable state you must be in, but to also re-assure you that you will get over this.

xx

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

And Ive just come back to say apart from everything else he has done the fact he posted on FB is enough in itself for you to be saying - there's the door.

[millymollymoomoo]

You do need to seek legal advice asap. As you are currently the sole financial provider he will have a claim to maintenance and possibly a case for residency of the children as a SAHD - regardless of the morals of that - in the eyes of he law he wont be 'punished' for his affair financially. You will be expected to pay for the house and provide him finances until such things are resolved (sorry to say) Its no different to a man being expected to lose a large chunk of assets and pay maintenance to a woman who has been a SAHM. Your situation is exact same as happened to my best friend 2 years ago. Like i said, we can all argue that he is a scumbag so don't allow him money etc but no one would be saying that if the situation was reversed and i expect that this is not good advice from a legal pov (I'm not lawyer). I understand the rationale that is guiding this perspective though!

On the emotions side, you will get through this even though it does not feel like it now. You will dust yourself off, get on with things and look back in time at how far you have come. I'm not making light of this, i know at the moment you can't see that will ever happen so for now, just one day at a time, focus on you and you children and seek out support where you can find it.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Incredible support here for you OP. You're wobbling because it all looks bleak and you wonder how things came to this. But a liar and a cheat could have had you doubting yourself for evermore.

Now you can move forward. Take it in stages. Get legal advice. Call on rl support. "Big changes afoot" indeed.

Maybe put the photos of him in your DCs' room(s). Swap them for ones of you and DCs or extended family.

Btw never think you have "pushed him to her" by standing up for yourself. He was jumping on her all those months, he hardly needed pushing.

[InfiniteJest]

They sound like arses of the highest order. You, on the other hand, sound lovely. What they have done reflects on them, not on you. You didn't push him into this. A reasonable response to an unhappy marriage is counselling or separation. Not a prolonged affair with a married friend.

Things probably feel hopeless right now, but the relationships board is full of women who were flung into situations like this feeling completely shattered, and emerged stronger and happier. That can be you too, in time. In the meantime - small steps.

As others have said:

Take some time off work, if you can.
Find a solicitor, and get their advice - particularly re finances.
Do not call him. If you must have contact with him, remain calm and detached.
Call in a close friend to support you - I hope posting here helps you, but real life help is invaluable.

[Granville72]

If you have a joint account, pop into your Bank or call them and ask them to freeze it and explain what is happening. You wont be able to close it without joint consent but you can freeze it.

Set up / use another account and transfer all your DDs & SOs over to it so he cant get access to your money. It takes about 5-7 days for transfers to go across to the new account, possibly quicker if you stay with your current Bank

[Lasvegas]

I know it seems like the world is falling in but you and your kids will get through this. My ex husband was carrying on an affair in my bed/house with a mutual friend while I was pregnant. He left wen DD was a few days old. I met and married a much better person. It was the start of a new life though at the time I didn't know it.

[Lasvegas]

Change the locks to house. You must assume the worst that he may try to move back in and he may take items from the home. Make sure you keep kids passports in a safe place where he cant access them. 99% sure he will behave himself but you should take precautions.

[Itsfab]

Your life isn't over. You are still living and breathing but you have been through a horrendous time but it will get easier as you would never choose to live with someone who would cheat on you and be so callous.

You did the right thing kicking him out.

[millymollymoomoo]

You are not allowed to change the locks and you cannot prevent him from returning to the house. This is exactly why you need proper legal advice. I know you probably are not feeling in frame of mind to think about it but you need to understand what you can / can't do and take some control about that.

[justfoundout2014]

My life is over. I can't do this at all. Been with a friend but she's now gone. Got to pick up the dc in 50 mins. Don't know what to do all evening. Rang him once and he didn't pick up. Texted him to ask what he wants me to tell the kids and no reply. Now rang again and it's switched off. Why? Why does he hate me and our children? Despite what anyone says, he has fully been a sahd, done everything, very, very close to them. What am I going to say to them?

[justfoundout2014]

He has medication here and I don't think he's taken any with him - it livese in the fridge and there's the box still there. It's not life saving, but disease-controlling. He is supposed to be going to his mum's tomorrow (90mins away) to be there for her after a minor op and I rang her and she's not heard from him, doesn't know whether he'll come now. This is not like him.

[Itsfab]

You asked him to go so he went.
He cheated on you so your marriage as was is over.
You CAN do this because you have too. The children still need caring for and you are more than capable of doing it.
Do not take him back because the day to day stuff is hard on your own.
You tell them daddy has gone away for a few days and they will be able to see him soon. Try and keep it low key for now.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

after 2 weeks of rowing but saying we were going to try relate to make it work, though he kept saying we had to face the possibility of splitting, tonight he says he wants to stay in the house, but not as a couple, as he still loves her - though he is still adamant that he is not seeing her anymore

Try and stay calm. So much in that paragraph last night was about him. Today he has not been in contact.He could easily have contacted you but chooses not to. He is not a victim nor a blameless scapegoat. Tell the DCs he has gone to see Grandma.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Your life is not over, in a few months time you will look back at this and you won't believe it was you.

Let him go - he has behaved appallingly to you - you can't see how badly he has treated you right now because you are in the thick of it - but he has.

Tell the children he is away. Put them in the garden or in front of the TV and calm down. It IS going to work out.

[Fontella]

Please stop trying to contact him - you are just humiliating yourself further. He's betrayed you in the worst way possible and has made it clear to you he is still in love with OW, so phoning, texting, asking him why isn't going to make the blindest bit of difference.

Going no contact is essential if you are going to get yourself together and start to find your way through this. Any contact with him right now is just like picking at an open wound and that involves ringing his mother and anyone else connected to him. Who cares where he is and what's he's doing? It's not your concern. Is he concerned about you and how you are feeling? Is he fuck!

Stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself and your children. And please don't keep telling yourself he was such a wonderful father. He was screwing another woman in the marital bed while he was supposed to be looking after those children and while their mother way out earning the money to pay the bills. It doesn't get much worse than that - and you need to make this your focus, instead of worrying about whether or not he's taken his medication and the whys and wherefores of why he has behaved like a total shit.

Your life is NOT over and you CAN do it. I promise you.

[Maiseybud]

My husband left me after 16 years and I thought I would never get over it and like you was in bits!! You will get over it in time, just keep thinking of all the bad things he has done and keep busy. I share your pain but time will heal I can assure you!! X

[magoria]

You can do this!

He doesn't seem fussed about being the resident parent as he has fucked off and made himself unavailable.

You hold down a full time job supporting an entire family so you have the ability to deal with this.

Tell work what is happening. Take some leave and get the ball rolling on sorting things out.

Speak to your doctor.

Find out what other resources are available in your area.

You can do this alone. Honest.

If you don't have to fork out for him can you pay for an au pair? Can you adjust your hours temporarily until youngest is at school? There are ways and you will find them.

Good luck.

[justfoundout2014]

He's coming at 7 to talk before going to his Mum's for the weekend as planned. I think he's having mid-life crisis brought on by both dc now being at school so lack of purpose to his days, his Dad being seriously ill, his own MS getting markedly worse over the last year and the usual shit we all have.

I've no idea what he'll say or what I will.

[Butterflyspring]

why does he need to talk? - I am sorry but you need to protect yourself and not speak to him. He is going to come round and blame you or make up some other shite, shabby excuse. This is NOT your fault. Or if you do need to talk you need support and a neutral venue. This is all about him and what he wants. You are letting him control this. And no, this is nothing to do with mid life crisis or anything else he wants to hook this on. He is an unfaithful liar - don't blame it on anyone else or anything else but himself.