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Original poster

Exclusivety Chat

27 replies

MissPennySweet · 04/06/2014 11:32

Posting for a friend wish it was me

Friend has been seeing a bloke for just over a month, things seem to be going well. He's off on a stag for a week in Malia next week and she's wondering what/if she should say anything about sleeping with other people I.e. Make a joke along the lines of "don't sleep with anyone else whilst you're away" but she doesn't want to come across as too much.

I'm on the fence with this one, WWYD?

OP posts:
ladyblablah · 04/06/2014 11:34

If you want exclusivity, say it.
You'll soon know where you stand.

ladyblablah · 04/06/2014 11:35

P.s. It's not a joke thing. It's quite integral for many people. So it needs to be said in that way.

Original poster
MissPennySweet · 04/06/2014 11:35

Really? I was leaning towards it's a bit too soon!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/06/2014 11:40

Him it's tricky. I don't think we ever had the chat directly. But we did both agree to take out online profiles down which I took to be the same thing. And thankfully so did he.

One month in is very soon.

Useful aren't I?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/06/2014 11:42

'Don't shag anyone bigger than Hoss Cartwright' is my standard farewell... :) Doesn't matter if they've just met or been married 40 years really. Someone's either faithful to their current partner or they're not.

akaWisey · 04/06/2014 11:46

I'm not sure what being away on a stag do has to do with it tbh. If she wants exclusivity with him now she should tell him.

and for the record I think it's too soon as well.

mariposaazul · 04/06/2014 11:51

I must be very old-fashioned(?) but if its too soon to have the exclusive chat its too soon to be sleeping with someone! Are you seriously saying its okay not to be exclusive at the start of a relationship but you can come to expect it after a while?

Lovingfreedom · 04/06/2014 11:52

Doubt having a chat will make any difference to what he does. He's either going to be really into be true to her without needing a chat...or not.

Original poster
MissPennySweet · 04/06/2014 12:02

Hmmm true it won't make any difference. But she won't know otherwise will she, whether he's slept with someone else or not?

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 04/06/2014 12:03

No marip you don't just expect it, you explicitly discuss and agree upon it. I don't personally want to wait 4-6 months (probably about how long I'd want to be with someone before discussing exclusivity) to find out if we are sexually compatible, only to then (because we have assumed exclusivity by your standards) have to break things off. Some people wait, some don't.

I would personally feel it was far too early to be discussing exclusivity. If they've been seeing one another for a month they must have only met a handful of times?

purplemurple1 · 04/06/2014 12:07

Surely if you are dating you should be exclusive- so if you've discussed if your bf/gf or a recurrent one night shag - you should know if you are exclusive or not.

I'd just ask are we dating? I think its better than 'please don't sleep with anyone' as it leaves room for the agreement to go either way, but at least they both know where they stand.

mrsbrownsgirls · 04/06/2014 12:08

bloody stag weekends.
Can't begin to express my loathing for the stereotype

akaWisey · 04/06/2014 12:11

She won't know for sure any way, 1 month isn't really long enough to know anyone. That's why she should have the conversation if it's important to her. One way or another it will be a defining moment.

Personally I'd not expect exclusivity early on if I were sleeping with a man, but I would expect us to have that talk at some point if it looked like we wanted something more serious. That's why I don't sleep with men I'm dating though - and that need to have the conversation doesn't arise unless we're both on the same page, as it were.

mariposaazul · 04/06/2014 12:23

Maybe I didn't express myself very well - I meant that I would not be sleeping with someone unless we were exclusive but I suppose it is possible if you are dating -but not sleeping together-that they are sleeping with someone else?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2014 12:28

I'm old fashioned so when I read this kind of thread I tend to think if she's sleeping with him ie pretty intimate it's not asking too much to hope he won't have sex with anyone else let alone a total stranger on a trip away. But there seems to be an "anything goes" attitude to stag trips and unlike me people seem able to separate sex from being exclusive or serious about each other. (I do know it's the 21st century, honest).

So no I don't think it's being controlling to say to a new bf I hope you don't shag anyone while we are apart. I would suggest she points out that she isn't into the idea that "What happens in {location}, stays in {location}".

Equally she could add that while he's away with his pals, she's not going to be sitting at home all weekend on her own counting the hours 'til he's back.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/06/2014 13:07

Definitely have the chat if it matters to her that the relationship is exclusive. It matters more to some people than others, and if you are the one it matters to then you are the one who needs to instigate the chat.

If you are someone who wants exclusivity if you are going to have sex with a new partner, it is actually down to you to make this clear before having sex. Because not everyone thinks that way, and people who are not interested in exclusive relationships are not bad or wrong, they just have different priorities, so crying and whining and condemning someone else's different outlook when you just made assumptions is fairly crap behaviour.

MmeMorrible · 04/06/2014 13:17

So if the OP has been seeing someone for a month, sleeping with him but not exclusive so both happy for each other to have other partners.

The stag weekend is a total red herring. You're not exclusive now so why does his going away for a weekend change your view?

I'm another old gimmer - wouldn't be sleeping with someone unless I was sure we were exclusive. Hope you're practising very safe sex.

VanitasVanitatum · 04/06/2014 13:26

She won't know either way if he doesn't want her to. He could agree to exclusivity but sleep with someone anyway.

I wouldn't make a specific issue out of it but keep using protection til she's sure of him/he's been tested!!

Jan45 · 04/06/2014 14:10

If you are sleeping together then you are entitled to ask that the person you are sharing your body with doesn't share his with anyone else, regardless of the time scale.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/06/2014 14:42

You're certainly entitled to asK for exclusivity, but not to expect it or assume that it will 'just happen'. Not everyone wants an exclusive relationship, sexual or not.

getthefeckouttahere · 04/06/2014 15:43

hmm id ask, but like ladyblahblah said i would not make it jokey.

mikulkin · 04/06/2014 17:23

I am old fashioned - if they see each other regularly and sleep together they should be exclusive. It doesn't matter whether it has been a month or 2. I would make a joke which will lead to discussion and then express my views. It is a free world - if it is important for the guy to sleep with different women let him do so but I am out of picture then...

Chaseface · 04/06/2014 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 04/06/2014 21:24

He could say yes we are now exclusive and still shag anything that moves.

How will OP's friend know?

As others have said she should be making sure she protects her sexual health.

Chaseface · 04/06/2014 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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