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Original poster

Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

349 replies

wonderingwendy · 02/06/2014 18:40

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingwendy · 04/06/2014 22:08

His age has nothing to do with anything!
I have met his mum and friends who are all lovely and normal and he has met my sister and best friend who by the way if they thought he was a weirdo would of told me.my sons both like him.
Whats with the red flag police !!!!

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 04/06/2014 22:11

There are so many red flags waving I don't know where to start TBH. Sad

OP you really do need to be the grown up here. You are a parent, your DD is still very young. She has lost her father. Her mother is making it very clear that this new man (of a few months acquaintance) is much more important than her child.

No-one is saying you can't have a relationship, just that you need to parent your child in a responsible and sensitive manner.

WilsonFrickett · 04/06/2014 22:12

If tats directed at me, I would say his age has a lot to do with stuff. He's been on this earth for 50 years and has never had to adapt to family life. As is evidenced by his massive strop when you said you were drawing up boundaries for the sake of your dd. I'm not saying there aren't any 20 yos who wouldn't have reacted the same way - I'm really not being ageist. I'm saying he isnt used to family dynamics - he's never had to be, fair enough.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 22:21

Yeah ok he's a little upset just now. He's a grown man, he needs to accept it at deal with it appropriately with you by his side.

Your daughter is only just a teenager and you were prepared to ignore her feelings so whilst I don't think ignoring his feelings is fair I do think explaining your reasons and expecting him to respect them is reasonable. It's not forever, just for now. If he can't or won't do that then that right there is your red flag. If your man doesn't respect your decision to give your daughter the time and space she needs at the moment (keeping in mind it's only been 7 months since you split from her father) then he isn't a man I would want around my family.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2014 22:26

Whats with the red flag police !!!!

That about sums up your attitude.

You need to start being the adult here and let your dd be a child.

LettertoHerms · 04/06/2014 22:34

He's trying to dictate parenting choices? Jesus. Op, THIS is where your daughter is completely justified in her fears.

I'm not saying this man isn't the love of your life, or you should end things, or let your daughter make all the decisions.

What your daughter, and you need, is to have the security of being a completely stable family unit on your own, you and your children, regardless of the presence of a male partner.

You've given your family absolutely no time to adjust to the new dynamic. As such, there's no foundation or security for your daughter. She needs to know that no matter what, you are a completely stable person for her, that your family won't be broken over and over as men come and go. When you've shown her that you can be a stable, safe family on your own, then she will be able to handle the introduction of a new boyfriend without seeing it as rocking the entire foundation of the family, and seeing you as unable to function without a man.

doziedoozie · 04/06/2014 22:36

Poor you OP. Teenage girls can be horrendously selfish but somehow on MN they can magically change into pathetic little dears. It is a hard thing for her to get her head around, her DM with a new man, and slowing things up might help, but she is making a decision because of her feelings and has no conscience over making you unhappy, therefore can't call the shots long term imo.

I would say it is the teenage hormones as much as the jealousy/ dislike of DP. But teenage hormones can make things difficult so have to be taken into consideration for your sake as well as hers.

Your DP possibly looks vv old to her - maybe she thinks he isn't good enough for you, as well as not liking having a man in the house she hasn't yet had time to feel comfortable with.

What is going to happen when she has a boyfriend, is he expected to be accepted by everyone?

Give it some time then perhaps do things all together outside the home so things aren't so intimate, cinema? meals out?

NickiFury · 04/06/2014 22:43

Anyone who sits giggling on Skype all day with their new boyfriend needs to get a bloody grip and start acting like a grown up! I would think that about anyone, I am thinking it about you and I am not even related to you so I can only imagine how much it's irritating your daughter, sorry but gloves off, you sound remarkably immature and not at all ready to be in a relationship at all. I hope you look back in a few months and are mortified at your behaviour, hopefully that awareness will come before you screw up your relationship with your dd much further.

GoshAnneGorilla · 04/06/2014 22:44

Goodness, there is some nasty internalised misogyny on this thread.

The Dd is 13, barely a teenager and she's been painted as a manipulative plotter by some. Recommend about her "coming into her sexuality" is also grossly inappropriate.

OP, you need to stop making this all about you.

3littlefrogs · 04/06/2014 22:49

doziedoozie

This is a 13 year old child.
Not a stroppy 17 year old. (Although as a parent of a 25, 22 and 16 year old myself, I consider that even a 17 year old needs a parent to actually behave like an adult).
I find it hard to believe you are a parent, given what you have just said in your post.

NickiFury · 04/06/2014 22:52

At 13 I was still playing with Sindy Dolls, I liked Wham and really thought I would marry George Michael one day Blush.

I was not a conniving and controlling "teenager" who wanted to abolish the competition and be the only "fish in the pond".

I find some of the views on here of this 13 year old CHILD utterly distasteful and bizarre.

clam · 04/06/2014 22:57

I'm nearly your boyfriend's age, so my objections have had nothing to do with how old he is at all!

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 22:59

TBF I was a nightmare at 13, I was clubbing (in 18+ nightclubs), drinking, smoking, having sex. And that was with a loving, caring family. Only because I had a very solid family and home did I come through it and sort myself out. I dread to think where and how I would have ended up had I not had that stability.

I honestly think 13 is around the age you really shouldn't be taking your eye off the ball (possibly sexist but especially with girls) OP I think you've done a tremendous thing by telling your boyfriend things need to cool down on the home front. Please don't undo it by letting him dictate what you should and shouldn't do to ease your daughter into this.

He thinks you're letting your daughter dictate to you... Have a look at what he is trying to do.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 23:04

And also OP you're allowed to feel a bit down in the dumps about this. I understand that when you love someone it's not easy to not understand why someone else you love doesn't. But you aren't ending the relationship, despite what you think very few on this thread you have to. You just have to accept that for a little while longer you have to separate your family life and your boyfriend. It's a relatively new relationship, look at it as a bonus. You have time alone together and you have your alone time with your kids. In the short term that sounds like win win to me.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 23:11

Very few on this thread think you have to*

PlantsAndFlowers · 04/06/2014 23:49

Well done OP. that's fantastic.

You are not letting her dictate to you - you are just being sensitive to her at a difficult time.

If he wants to be 'part of the family' you need to suss out how well you work together when things don't go well with the kids. As this is your first 'adversity' situation it will be useful in determining your long term compatibility.

Good luck!

differentnameforthis · 05/06/2014 00:04

She's probably also threatened by your sexuality - at 13, she's just starting to think of herself as a sexual being and she probably wants to be the only fish in the pond, at least at home.

What the hell!!! This has NOTHING to do with the girl being threatened by her mothers sexuality. What a bizarre thing to say!! She probably doesn't even think of mother in that way at all.

He is upset and is not talking to me much.he thinks I shouldn't let her dictate to me. He is 54, upset shouldn't even come into it.

So he knows your DD is uncomfortable but still wants to intrude on her? Exactly, he has no idea of, or cares very little about your daughters boundaries. This would worry me greatly!

OP, I can understand you're upset. But I can also see things from your daughter's POV. As can many here. You have had most of the posters here say the same thing, yet you still aren't listening. You want to be in a relationship that works for you, that is good for you, we get it. But you are failing to see the bad in this guy!! He doesn't care that your dd is upset, he wants things to stay as they are i.e him visiting her home. So he is happy to trample all over your dds feelings & disrespect her boundaries. What happens when he moves in? He is allowed to walk into her room any time he likes, too?

He is sulking & has withdrawn communication. Is this not telling you anything?

He is jealous of a 13 girl who needs her mother. I couldn't be with someone who disrespected my children so much that he sulked when I couldn't be with him.

FatherJake · 05/06/2014 02:52

So within a month of being introduced to your daughter this 'wonderful' man is already starting to get annoyed at you for allowing your daughter to dictate things.

I know you're getting annoyed with people here but do you not realise how badly this bodes??!! Stop sulking and get a grip of yourself.

oikopolis · 05/06/2014 02:55

A 54 year old man is pissed off with his girlfriend of a few months because her 13 year old child is uncomfortable about having him around.

when her dad only left the family a few months ago.

He definitely sounds like he's going to be a great addition to all your lives. Have fun OP, you've got a good un!

Superdoddles · 05/06/2014 03:20

I had a similar problem with my DS's when I first met my now DH. In the early years it was easier to keep them apart. He never stayed or visited my house unless they were at their Nan's. It took time but over the years things did workout, we married after 6 years and everyone gets on really well. ( been married 8 years now). Take things slowly and don't try to hard, it will workout in the end. Good luck.

doziedoozie · 05/06/2014 07:23

I would say the thought for a 13 year old of your DM having a sexual relationship must be GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. And worse a relationship with a virtual stranger. Uncomfortable I would have thought, hence move slowly. Which OP is doing. (don't think this is a sexual relationship but, naturally, it will be expected to be in the future).
Your DSs might be telling you what they think will make you happy, rather than what they really feel.
But you are doing the right thing and moving slowly and have their best interests at heart.

DrawingsAndPuzzles · 05/06/2014 10:24

I can see this thread is starting to get abit "nasty"
OP I just think that you've introduced him to your children way too soon, your daughter is only 13 so her behaviour is completely understandable, if my mother bought home an older guy I would be very concerned and not want him around. What do you plan to do about this situation?

teaandthorazine · 05/06/2014 11:26

*A 54 year old man is pissed off with his girlfriend of a few months because her 13 year old child is uncomfortable about having him around.

when her dad only left the family a few months ago.

He definitely sounds like he's going to be a great addition to all your lives. Have fun OP, you've got a good un!*

^^this.

Wake up, OP.

higgle · 05/06/2014 15:10

OP, You really can't let a truculent 13 year old run your life. If you have found happiness with someone new then she needs to accept this. In 5 years she will be off to uni or independent in other ways, if you pander to her now your boyfriend might not want to pursue the relationship. See him away from the home if you need to but no adult should have to put up with this nonsense.

brdgrl · 05/06/2014 15:16

quite right higgie.