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Original poster

Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

349 replies

wonderingwendy · 02/06/2014 18:40

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Meeeep · 04/06/2014 12:45

So puzzled what do you propose is the best way to go about it?

MultipleMama · 04/06/2014 13:02

Most of us have suggested ways on how to help dd cope, while making sure that OP doesn't have to give up her happiness/boyfriend but to me, from what I've read it seems she wants us to agree dd is being unreasonable and that we should be happy for her(OP).

From what's been posted and granted it's only a slight insight into the situation it seems OP doesn't want to help dd or take into consideration it's too fast for her daughter and find ways to make her feel secure and comfortable but instead how to make dd get over it and get on with her new mum's bloke. D

o you really think a 13yo, who's just had her father completely disconnect from her, want another man to come into her life so soon?

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2014 13:15

Surely, with a bit of tact on all sides

Yeah, namely allowing your child the time to adjust to an entirely new life before foisting a new man on her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/06/2014 13:19

Meeep, if it was me, I'd try to:

Keep "house visits" to a minimum (seems OP's already doing this)
Mention the man occasionally in conversation, but not too much
Reduce Skype to a couple of times a day, rather than all the time
Plan a few nice "mum and daughter" things, just for the two of them
Keep conversation flowing wherever possible
AND Insist on basic manners / be firm with any unreasonableness from the DD

Like I said, with a bit of give and take on all sides, it really shouldn't be impossible to make this work; being given all her own way won't help the DD, but guidance and support might ...

differentnameforthis · 04/06/2014 13:27

I detect a lot of bitterness on this thread.

hahaha, nope I don't think so. I think you need to reread the thread & pay attention to the parts where op says she skypes new man all day, every day.

I am coming at it from the angle of a child who has felt pushed out by her mothers constant drip of 'life partners' that lasted a few months.

From the angle of being constantly rejected so she could spend time with who ever she was seeing that week.

I have no bitterness towards relationships, just able to put myself in the little girls shoes. It's called empathy.

SelectAUserName · 04/06/2014 13:29

She introduced him to the children a month ago and in that time he's been round four times. That's once a week, every week. The OP says she only sees him once a week so as it stands, every time she sees him, her DD has to see him too. That's not keeping "house visits to a minimum" IMO.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 13:35

The thing is puzzled what you are suggesting isn't all that different from what others are suggesting.

People are not suggesting that the OP hands her diary over to DD to arrange her life for her. Just that where her DD and this man are concerned she slows it right down. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to do or for her DD to request/expect of her.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 13:36

Select, I think what she had said in a couple of other posts is she goes out and leaves her eldest son to babysit once a week and then he pops in once a week as well.

SelectAUserName · 04/06/2014 13:39

Oh sorry Meeeep, I missed that. So OP actually sees him more than once a week - which should make cutting down on the Skype time a bit easier/more bearable!

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 13:41

I couldn't be bothered speaking to someone all day every day via Skype. I find that odd irrespective of the dd situation.

SelectAUserName · 04/06/2014 13:46

Regardless of the OP's DD's view of things, Skyping all day every day isn't the most responsible behaviour of two people who are supposed to be working.

Quitelikely · 04/06/2014 14:23

Do not let your children dictate who you can and can't see. Do not let them be rude to other adults without a strong reason and do not give her lots of time over discussing the matter.

Whilst your a mother and I'm sure you prioritise the welfare of your children you are also an individual and deserve to be happy. You say your ex was unpleasant. Be careful that some of his ways or influence are not instilled in your daughter.

I am on side with you here because I can see you have taken excellent steps to protect your children from meeting another man too soon etc.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2014 14:34

I am on side with you here because I can see you have taken excellent steps to protect your children from meeting another man too soon etc.

Really?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/06/2014 16:19

The thing is puzzled what you are suggesting isn't all that different from what others are suggesting

You're right, it's not Smile I guess I just felt that some seemed to concentrate on ONLY the daughter's needs. Granted she's young and needs careful consideration - but she's not the only one involved and to me, it doesn't seem healthy for her to believe she is

Still agree that the whole thing seems to have moved a bit fast, though ...

Corygal · 04/06/2014 21:30

DD is jealous, and that's not a good thing. She's admitted she doesn't want you to have a love life. That's not acceptable.

She's probably also threatened by your sexuality - at 13, she's just starting to think of herself as a sexual being and she probably wants to be the only fish in the pond, at least at home.

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 04/06/2014 21:41

So for now I have asked him not to come here and I will continue to see him outside of the house.
He is upset and is not talking to me much.he thinks I shouldn't let her dictate to me.
The skyping thing is only during school hours and its how we like to keep in touch. He doesn't have wifi at home.we text a little in the evening but it does not intrude into the care of my kids.
Just as a little side note when I met my ex I was pregnant after 3 months and married after 6 months so for me this isn't fast but can fully appreciate how others see It that way.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2014 21:45

Yeah, and look how well that turned out.

Perhaps you should learn from your past mistakes!

SelectAUserName · 04/06/2014 21:47

He is upset and is not talking to me much.he thinks I shouldn't let her dictate to me.

Hmm At this stage it's not for him to pass judgement on how you choose to parent.

Fairylea · 04/06/2014 21:48

"He is upset and is not talking to memuch.hethinks I shouldn't let her dictate to me."

This is a red flag for me right here. He is already telling you how to parent your dd.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2014 21:48

Red Flag bunting anyone?

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 04/06/2014 21:53

Jesus christ some of you are fucking horrible. I don't know why I bother posting on mumsnet. It used to be a supportive place .
I was married for 16yrs and have three beautiful children from it so no it wasn't a mistake.

OP posts:
basgetti · 04/06/2014 21:54

Why on earth would a grown man in a new relationship be put out and upset that he can't come to your home for a while? So he knows your DD is uncomfortable but still wants to intrude on her? Doesn't sound like a great prospect for all becoming a family to me.

SelectAUserName · 04/06/2014 22:00

It still is a supportive place. Most of us just think it's your daughter who needs the most support right now.

Her life has been turned upside down, she has to all intents and purposes lost her father and her mum is starry-eyed over a new bloke within a few months of this massive upheaval.

WilsonFrickett · 04/06/2014 22:01

Look. He's in his 50s and doesn't have a family. He has no idea how to parent a teenager - as can be shown by his petulant strop the first time you pull back from him.

Continue with the relationship if it makes you happy, but draw a very firm line between it and your children. He isn't going to be able to cope with the teen years and if you try to blend things I can 100% guarantee you will have two teens competing for your affection and attention. Exhausting and unneccessary. Although in your DD's case she has an excuse.

OddFodd · 04/06/2014 22:08

Firstly, well done for coming back - this must be a tough thread to read.

The only thing I will say now is that you're still talking about you and not your daughter. Put yourself in her shoes, please.

And she's not 'dictating' to you - you're being sensitive to her turmoil of emotions. Your relationship can continue but it's far too soon to be playing happy families. And if he doesn't understand that, then he might not be the right man to play happy families with.

Whatever you do, please don't treat your DD as the only fly in the ointment to your shared vision of your new family life because that will destroy your daughter and your relationship with her.