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Original poster

Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

349 replies

wonderingwendy · 02/06/2014 18:40

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 15:22

no adult should have to put up with this nonsense

Personally I find the idea of swanning around like a giggly 14 year old with her new squeeze, to the detriment of her dc, pretty nonsensical.

brdgrl · 05/06/2014 15:36

Personally I find the idea of swanning around like a giggly 14 year old with her new squeeze, to the detriment of her dc, pretty nonsensical.

That's because you have decided it is "to the detriment of her dc".
This is not a fact. It is a speculation with no evidence whatsoever except the general, age-typical, substantive complaints of a 13 year old. And some general MN blubberings.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 15:40

with no evidence whatsoever except the general, age-typical, substantive complaints of a 13 year old

Well I guess that's where we differ, brd. I'm not in the business of dismissing the upsets and concerns of a child whose family has recently broken up, just because of her age.

In my world, upset daughter trumps new cock.

That's clearly not the same for everyone. Hey ho.

brdgrl · 05/06/2014 15:45

(in-substantive, I meant. :))

Well I guess that's where we differ, brd. I'm not in the business of dismissing the upsets and concerns of a child whose family has recently broken up, just because of her age.
You should try it. Sometimes it is entirely appropriate. My DD was very upset and concerned that she could not have a chocolate finger thsi morning. I was dismissive. Hey ho.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 15:50

Oh, do grow up. Because that's the same thing, isn't it? Hmm

teaandthorazine · 05/06/2014 15:50

My DD was very upset and concerned that she could not have a chocolate finger thsi morning

And that's a fair comparison, is it? Ffs.

brdgrl · 05/06/2014 15:51

That was flippant. But seriously - the OP does need to address her DD's real upset over the breakup of her family.
That doesn't mean not dating, it doesn't mean keeping her BF a secret, and it doesn't mean taking seriously every complaint of her DD about her BF. The girl says he "tries too hard". Jesus. So OP has a new BF who is trying to get on with her children. What a dick.
Not every thing that upsets a child can be dealt with by giving them what they think they want.
In ten years time, maybe DD will look back and see that her stepdad was a brilliant addition to their family. Maybe not. The OP is in a better position to judge that than me. I hope she at least gives him a chance. Or if she's going to act on every moan from her DD, maybe not - maybe she should do the poor bloke a favour.

brdgrl · 05/06/2014 15:54

Oh, do grow up. Because that's the same thing, isn't it?

Yes, it is. It really is.
I could post about it on MN and get a bunch of speculation about how my DD's need for a chocolate finger is really a deeper manifestation of her insecurity over not being allowed to co-sleep and how I should take her feelings seriously and have a heart-to-heart with her about her obvious issues with food and security, and maybe we could come up with a compromise where she is allowed a chocolate finger once a day...
Or I could be a parent and make a decision based on what I know is best for us.

KellyElly · 05/06/2014 15:57

He is upset and is not talking to me much.he thinks I shouldn't let her dictate to me. This is a problem OP. He sounds childish and uninterested in understanding how hard things must be for your DD. He's seeing it from a completely selfish perspective and you don't seem to be challenging him on it. You and your children come as a package and if he wants to be part of your lives he has to see that and be understanding. In your position I would end the relationship and focus on your daughter who sounds like she needs her mum.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 15:57

Yes you could make a decision about a chocolate finger and what's best for her.

Hardly the same thing as thrusting a strange man into her childrens' faces A MONTH after she splits from their father.

The same man, btw, who is sulking about the parenting choice she has made; namely him not being around as much.

You hope she gives him a chance? I hope her need to be with a man doesn't make her ignore how fucking ridiculous that is.

Meeeep · 05/06/2014 16:15

Stepdad? Are we seriously referring to this guy as stepdad? Hmm

brdgrl · 05/06/2014 16:19

The difference is that you think the 13 year old is reluctant to accept new BF because of the timing, the circumstances, etc...I think a 13 year old girl 9 times out of 10 will object to mum's new BF. I think the OP can decide if there is reason enough to take it any more seriously than that. Just because a child complains, doesn't mean they have a point.

Hardly the same thing as thrusting a strange man into her childrens' faces A MONTH after she splits from their father.
She waited five months to introduce them, not a month.

I think the boyfriend is right to be annoyed, frankly.

higgle · 05/06/2014 16:27

I met and married my husband of 30 years in less than a year, personally I think that if you have been together for 7 months and are getting on well that is a very significant relationship.

In normal everyday life parents make decisions about where their 13 year olds go to school, they move house and change schools, they go to live in other countries. Adults decide, children need to accept. I have a friend who has a daughter a little bit older than this, the child has run rings around the family on the question of her education and they are all now unhappy as a result. If they had been firm with her about the type of school she was going to attend rather than change it 3 x to suit the child's whims then they would have be a much happier family. They have now paid out £40k in school fees to a school the child insisted on going to and now refuses to attend. Parents need to act like parents, not friends.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2014 16:33

And did you have two kids and had only split from their father the month before you hooked up with your husband?

World of difference there.

MultipleMama · 05/06/2014 16:35

No one is disputing the fact that she shouldn't have to dump him because of it or that she can't see him. (Well most aren't).

I think you need to reread the thread and open your ears if you think we're suggesting dd rules the roost.

This is about introducing him to an insecure teenager who hasn't gotten over the split of her parents! Jesus christ, are some just reading what the want to hear?

A chocolate finger doesn't compare to a child who's just had the rug pulled from her! What a snarky comment.

And stepdad, really? She's 13yo, you think she's gunna be like, "I really don't like this. I'm vunerable and scared but that's okay because in 10 years he'll be my new dad so my emotions right now don't matter... Roll on the next 9 years" Hmm.

If he's acting like a child now, because OP suggested to go slower due to her dd's emotional state than I doubt he'd there in 1 year nevermind 10...

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 16:39

She waited five months to introduce them, not a month

She started her relationship four weeks after leaving their father. You don't think they would have known something was up?

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 16:40

A chocolate finger doesn't compare to a child who's just had the rug pulled from her! What a snarky comment

I think when people get like this it's probably time to disengage.

MultipleMama · 05/06/2014 17:17

I'm disengaging. I just hope OP puts her child emotional state before that of her new boyfriend's...

youmakemydreams · 05/06/2014 17:19

I do think op has had a hard time on this thread it must threadbare reading but I agree with it all as well.
Ok my tuppence worth. I am 35 in a relationship with a man that is not the father of my dc. Sorry but I agree way too fast. Your dd may say use doesn't like her father, she probably doesn't but I guarantee she loves him. He's her dad. The only one she has had and she is hurting and gone into self preservation mode to protect herself from the hurt of him abandoning her now. She needs you. My dd is 10 now when she met do for the first time she was consulted. Asked how she felt about it and wanted to meet him. After the first meeting she did find it a bit weird. We talked about that I told her he would not come round again until she was ok with it. She said she was but that she would like me to let her know when he was coming. I did that. As a family we discussed him moving in. I didn't do that to let her dictate I did that because she lives here, this is her home where she should feel safe and secure. Dp was happy and understanding about the children always coming first. Had he been huffy about it he would have been put the door. I do think red flag is often shouted for the tiniest thing but sorry this time I agree. He ca not dictate how you parent anymore than he thinks your dd can dictate to you.
And I also agree his age is relevant. My last boyfriend who the dc never met was 50 and childless. Sorry but that is very different to 50 and a family man. He is who be is, his personality is formed and he has never shared his space and his life with children. It will be a HUGE learning curve for him. It has been for dp who is the same age as me but also childless.

I really don't think you will listen to your dd or anyone on here. I think you will move in with this man and fairly soon as well and I really hope it works out but sadly I think you will live to regret it. Your dd will grow up with all this unacknowledged pain and anger and your boyfriend will continue to.make you feel guilty for letting her dictate.

basgetti · 05/06/2014 17:30

OP you posted 4 months ago about wanting to separate from your husband and not knowing how to tell him. And more recently about your new boyfriend who is very tight with money. Only last month you were concerned that your daughter is anxious and depressed. This may not be the done thing, but I think you have been pretty disingenuous about the timeline of events and have brought him into your home almost immediately after an acrimonious break up. I would suggest that may be the more likely reason for your daughter's unhappiness at the new relationship than just being a stroppy teenager. It also makes your boyfriend's moodiness at not being immediately ingratiated into your household even more unreasonable.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2014 17:40

OP you posted 4 months ago about wanting to separate from your husband and not knowing how to tell him. And more recently about your new boyfriend who is very tight with money. Only last month you were concerned that your daughter is anxious and depressed. This may not be the done thing, but I think you have been pretty disingenuous about the timeline of events and have brought him into your home almost immediately after an acrimonious break up. I would suggest that may be the more likely reason for your daughter's unhappiness at the new relationship than just being a stroppy teenager. It also makes your boyfriend's moodiness at not being immediately ingratiated into your household even more unreasonable.

Shock

I'm done.

Thanks basgetti

Meeeep · 05/06/2014 18:00

Wow just wow. Shock

Meeeep · 05/06/2014 18:09

Oh god, I just advance searched now too and you met this man on an online dating site while you were still bloody married and with your husband.

I'm out. I hope for your daughters sake you pay some attention to what was said on this thread but I doubt you will. Poor girl.

Meeeep · 05/06/2014 18:12

And also your first date was in April. So you introduced him to your kids one month after you first met him.

You are a liar quite frankly, a cheat and your letting this man come inbetween you and your child. If you want your daughter to hate you, you're going the right way about it.

Fairylea · 05/06/2014 18:25

... and just to finish it off op is using the withdrawal method with this man because she is apparently pretty sure he is infertile (!!)

How ridiculous.

I don't normally post so harshly but op you are being absolutely daft. Please protect yourself and your family from this man.