Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

[wonderingwendy]

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

higgle have you read the poster's history?

This is not a woman who is parenting well.

Ffs we are not disbupting that. The OP can giggle like a school all she wants but she HAS to listen to her DD's concerns and why she's upset. She doesn't have to "pander" to anything, or let DD "dictate" anything. Just simply listen to her daughter theb accept and compromise on things.

The problem is; OP doesn't seem to want to listen to her dd if it means seeing less or changing the way she's gone about things so far. It's been all me, me, me since she started this thread.

A man who sulks and becomes like a petulant child because his needs haven't come first need a good ol' clip round the ear 'ole! He says dd has no right to dictate anything, but neither does he. In fact, he should have no say whatsoever when it comes to OP's children.

And there we have it, folks. Massive projection, assumptions about what a child is feeling. "What if he's a pedophile" thrown in for good measure.
Absolute vilification of the OP. Searching of her history to 'discredit' her. And a great, big, smelly dose of self-righteousness. Par for the course for certain usernames.

OP, I hope you will read carefully through all the posts (spend as much time on their posting history as they have on yours!) and make a rational decision about how to manage your dating life.

thank you brdgrl. very well said .

massive extrapolation of the facts

as for searching history - so it's very bad form , but perfectly ok when it suits the baying mob ?

also, I can't be the only person here who alters details of my personal life to preserve anonymity?

I started doing this about 14 years ago ( and name changed regularly ) because I was hounded repeatedly by the same group of bullies. Some of them are still here trying very hard to tell any woman in an imperfect relationship to LTB .

Oh I don't have a problem with searching histories, how do you really know what you're dealing with otherwise? I don't tend to do it myself because I can't really be arsed. It's when those getting censorious about it turn out to have been doing it too but then start shouting the odds about it being bad form and being used to "discredit her" that makes me a bit .

MrsBrown, yes I agree, no harm in changing a few dates and ages here and there to try an preserve some sense of anonymity, especially when posters are trawling through previous threads to piece together a bigger picture.

And the whole Skyping all day thing, I'm pretty sure OP isn't actually glued to her phone the whole time, more that there is regular contact throughout the day.

My DP called me earlier to say hello and used FaceTime as we are both at home so it makes sense to see each other rather than text/phone (& I mumble my mobile reception is rubbish in the house so he can never hear me on the phone!). I sent him a photo of me and he sent me a pic of his new computer, he called me at lunchtime to tell me about his morning. He will FaceTime me later before bed too. We love each other and enjoy speaking to each other when were apart, maybe some of you who live with your other half have forgotten what it's like to fall for someone and not to be together all the time. Having Skype and FaceTime is a godsend for those of us who miss our BF DP on the days we're apart.

I'm sure OP is the same. It doesn't mean she gets nothing else done or sits with her DP next to her on the screen while she makes tea or does the ironing, just that they are in contact throughout the day.

Yeah no harm in changing details providing it doesn't paint your story in an entirely different light. The changes to this story i.e the timeline and the fact she actually started the relationship prior to her marriage ending are quite significant considering the advice she was actually asking for.

Well said, meeeep.

Wow.

Sorry OP - you've been very economical with the truth here. End your 'relationship' and take some time out to be with your kids. They need you.

My mum introduced me and my siblings to her new partner around 8/9 months after her and my dad split up. I was about 10 at the time. We were confused, upset - we felt like we didn't matter to her and that this man was taking our dad away from us and our family away from us.

She did the exact same thing as you have said you're going to do (aka - continued to see him but not around us.) for another 6 months and then tried to re-introduce us to him.

I refused to speak to her for five years afterwards.

Just saying - that not taking how your daughter is feeling seriously could have far reaching consequences.

She is feeling insecure, confused, worried. She needs love. attention and more care than ever before. She needs to know that she is your #1 priority and you would do anything for her - even if that means that you have to put your own life on the backburner until she is ready. TELLING her isn't enough - she needs to see and believe it. Her world has been rocked and is currently upside down ... plus she'll be starting puberty and what not. She's in a tough patch right now!

Personally - I never would've introduced so early in a relationship but each to their own.

I would also be ending my relationship with the man.

so OP is concerned about her daughter's feelings towards new man .(NM)
OP sees future with NM but is treading carefully as dd is uneasy about NM.

So OP sees NM once a week without kids.

The problem is what, exactly?

For the zillionth time, Skype all day every day and crying in front of your daughter because she's not cock a hoop about your boyfriend, is not "treading carefully".

Why are some people so desperate to make this all about the Dd being unreasonable?

she thinks we are moving too fast but I don't want her to dictate to me when and where I can see him

The OP's own words. That doesn't sound to me like someone who is "concerned about her daughter's feelings" or who is "treading carefully". It reads like someone quite irritated with and dismissive of her DD. Given what we now know about the actual timescales, it seems as though the DD's fears of it moving too fast are bang on! We now also know that New Man was in fact Other Man, on an emotional level at the very least, while OP was still married to DD's father - hardly unreasonable for the latter to resent the person she probably feels is responsible for her parents splitting up and her world being turned upside down.

Add to that the sulky, withdrawing (= implied threat) behaviour of New Man at the suggestion of slowing down, which demonstrates both immaturity and a breathtaking disregard for the feelings of one of the people he apparently wants to be part of his new "family", and you have a very big problem indeed. Forgive me for judging harshly, but from what we now know of the OP's history and her comments here, she does not strike me as someone with either the balls or the desire to put New Man firmly in his place or to walk away from him if his wants conflict with her daughter's needs.

Latter = DD, not her father; it's late and I should be asleep.

mrsbrownsgirls

The problem has been explained enough times for anyone to get it. If you don't want to or can't see it, there is no point, almost 300 posts in, explaining it again!!

"She needs to know that she is your #1 priority and you would do anything for her - even if that means that you have to put your own life on the backburner until she is ready. TELLING her isn't enough - she needs to see and believe it. Her world has been rocked and is currently upside down "

This is exactly what an effective parent should not do, children should not think that their feelings terms and conditions dictate the agenda for the family. Yes, sensitivity is required but I would expect my children to welcome any or all of my friends to the house just as I do theirs. It will be what, a couple of years, before the daughter here is bring ing her own boyfriends home ofor approval, the boot may be on the other foot then.

higgle under most circumstances I would say that I would agree with you. I would always expect my daughter to be polite to a visitor in our home. However I would have approached an introduction a hell of a lot differently from the OP.

Also I don't think I could blame my daughter if she was downright rude to someone that aided in the break up of my marriage to her father (this won't actually happen as we aren't together now anyway).

In actual fact thinking back to when I was 13 I would have said a damn sight worse to this man if he had been instrumental in my parents split, and I also wouldn't have given a damn who it offended because it would clear that my Mum had zero respect for me by bring said man around a few months later. So many parents live by a "If I'm happy my kids are happy" mantra. This may be true for some but for many it's nothing but a bullshit line to justify what is often crappy family and parenting decisions.

Seven months from splitting and you've already been dating for 6 months.

It could very well be that your daughter is the one with the common sense even thought it looks like she's being silly.

This is all way too much too soon.

Selectausername has it spot on.

I agree with SelectaUserName& and Granny* - the OP needs to start respecting her daughter's feelings. I hate it when children are expected to just fit in with parents' plans re: starting/changing relationships. The new man is planning for them all to be one family - it must be unnerving and distressing for a child to be basically told this will happen, so quickly, without proper consultation. She 'doesn't like' her father? All the more reason for her to be allowed to have a stable family of her, her mum and brothers for a while!

different name , I don't agree with you. or with the massive extrapolations on here. OP has explained the skyping.
do you get that ?

mrsbrownsgirls

Yes, I get how she backtracked nicely once she was called on her excessive use of skyping.

Yes, forgive me if my "massive extrapolations" have led to me to wonder, when all the other evidence points to the OP blurring boundaries left, right and centre (between marriage and emotional affair, between truth and untruth, between creating a safe home for her children after emotional upheaval and foisting new man on them in that home far too soon), why the one statement that her Skyping is only within school hours - itself a contradiction to what she originally said, when her focus was convincing us how well she knew him already - should be taken as unimpeachable evidence to the contrary.

If it quacks like a duck...

Aye whatever.

Gosh, that mature and cogent argument has totally made me change my viewpoint!