Dd doesn't like my new boyfriend

[wonderingwendy]

What can I or he do to resolve this?
We have been dating for six months and about a month ago he came over to for a quick hello meet and greet.boys really warmed to him (16&7yrs) but dd didn't.
She has been awful when he pops in even though he tries hard to engage with her.i get alot of nasty comments via the Internet whilst he is here and then when he goes its tears , , comments and I get the silent treatment.
She is 13yrs
Any ideas?

If we're going to start throwing par for the course comments around I think it's fair to say you will always side against the child brd.

You seem to want to vilify dd and paint her as these horrible person who is getting in the way of OP and her star crossed lover.

If we're going to start throwing par for the course comments around I think it's fair to say you will always side against the child brd.

I'm happy to have my comments stand for themselves; I actually don't have a pattern of going onto threads with the express purpose of abusing the OP. In fact, my posts are almost uniformly of two varieties - threads I start myself, and threads in defense of an OP who is getting a kicking from the same old (if name-changing) jerks who can't imagine using MN as a place of support rather than a bit of fun at someone else's expense. I think it's a vile way to treat people who are opening up and exposing themselves to ask for help, and I think there are several posters on thsi thread who do almost nothing but join in the 'fun'.

I assume your reference to my posting history is based on the fact that I post regularly on step-parenting and must hate my stepchildren. :) Another old bone being dragged out, as we must never, ever, ever, suggest that stepchildren can act badly. I'm not sure you could find an instance of me "siding against" a child, but it is certainly true that I don't accept the comments of children as gospel or think that they ought to be making the major decisions in the home.

You seem to want to vilify dd and paint her as these horrible person who is getting in the way of OP and her star crossed lover.
Really? Where do you get this from? I have said that she is a 13 year old girl, and that her comments are pretty typical for her age. Hardly vilification.

It's not just "the" home though. It's their home too. If they don't like something that is within their home they have a right to a say. I'm fed up of reading selfish parents think their rights to this that and the next trumps their children. If people really think that after having children they have a right to discredit their feelings/opinions because the decision makes them happy, quite frankly they shouldn't have children

Serious question brdgrl do YOU actually use MN as a place of support because I mainly see you spouting offensively about how manipulative and awful kids can be and how hard that is on the ADULT parent (as though they're a victim ) or getting really furiously angry and name calling on threads where people won't agree with you.

I think if anyone's projecting on this thread it's you and it's quite worrying how little awareness you have of how much anger and rigidity you display. There's no discussion with you it's just your view and then subsequent posts where you become steadily more angry and sometimes abusive towards other posters.

It's not about chest beating and "I'm the parent do as I say" - it's about the fact that children are not, and should not, be in a position to make decisions about certain issues within the home and do not have the critical abilities or experience to make those decisions. That is the job of parents.

But hey - now we're on to "quite frankly they shouldn't have children." Jesus wept.

Oh and if you respond to me I will of course read it but I probably won't respond because I find your posts hysterical and exhausting in their unpleasantness and I really don't want to waste any headspace on them and perpetuating the ranting.

'That is the job of parents.'

Taking into consideration, naturally, the feelings and emotional well-being of those children given their youth and the fact those children are trapped in the home, being unable to leave it due to their youth (I can distinctly remember feeling how frustrating this was at times when I was a teen), this is the job of a parent, too.

Those criticising the OP's behaviour are asking her to behave like an adult and a parent.

Someone on Skype "all day, everyday" is not acting like a parent, they are behaving like a lovestruck teenager, not a grown woman.

NickiFury, you're ringing the same old bell. I'm very supportive of my fellow stepmums, and you don't like that. That's fine with me, I don't understand why you feel the need to post on threads simply to be unkind, so we have an essential disagreement there. If you think I have been abusive, I encourage you to report me, on this thread or any other.

Well some people shouldn't. If a parent wants to cheat on their partner, introduce kids to the man she met online and cheated with who is already showing signs of financial control issues, manipulation, wants a certain amount of control over parenting decisions over children he's known less than a month, pushing for "family" dynamics 4 months after mum and dad split, then know they shouldn't have had children because all that they will do is royally fuck them up

Then no, not know

I couldn't give two hoots how supportive you are of stepmothers. And you say I don't like you doing that on the grounds of us being on ONE thread together where I objected to a step child being called "stupid" which you defended. So please stop ringing the step parent bell. It's BS.

If objecting to children being called "stupid and horrible" or being shocked at a 13 year old in the situation this one is and saying so is "unkind" then I am more than happy to hold my hands up to it. As far as I am aware those examples are the only dealings we have had. Please do correct me if I am wrong.

Nicki, I think you know exactly what you're doing and I think you know exactly why. See you again after your next name change. Until then, ta ta.

I agree you should be allowed a life and not dictated to by your dd, however, your dp sounds like a petulant brat and dd probably sees straight through him even if you can't. At the moment.

Also, you probably have changed, which dd sees, and you don't.

Even more, he sounds very pushy. Step away, for your dc's sake. Your relationship with this 'man' is very new. You barely know him at all. And actually, you sound very self focused, which is not a good trait as a parent.

I certainly wouldn't like you as a mother.

What are you on about? You're obsessed with me name changing. You said it on the last and ONLY thread too and had to apologise as I you did one of YOUR searches of my posting history and found I had not name changed to attack the poor step mothers as you claimed I had. I've been posting under this name for about five months and only changed because of the password security issues.

I like to call this kind of thing "making crap up" and it's usually employed when a poster (you) is flailing around with no valid point to make, as in "I know let's accuse the poster that won't back down and agree of being a troll and discredit her!"

Ridiculous !

Oh gosh, Ii'd booked marked from yesterday and hadn't read end of thread.

confused.com

No, Nicki, I apologised for saying that since namechanging you had only posted on stepparenting, which I was wrong about. I do not apologise for pointing out that you clearly have a long-standing agenda when it comes to the stepparenting board, which was made very, very clear by your rant on the thread you are referring to.

My valid point is that you are posting on threads with the express purpose of being unkind. There's no call for it, and I do speak up when I think an OP is getting rubbish "advice" that is really just insults, character assassination, and bullying.

But, this is again turning into a derailment of the thread, and I think I will stop now. As you say, ridiculous.

I've posted about three times on the step parenting board in all the time I have been on MN (6 years) and only then when the threads appear in most active. So stop talking utter crap.

You're a professional victim brdgrl and I feel sorry for ALL the children in your life because you seem to operate on the same emotional level as them, much like the OP of this thread. No wonder you're so sympathetic towards her.

Don't worry you won't see me addressim you again on this thread, you just keep lying and making childish accusations so it's completely pointless.

I despair at the fact that people need told this

I know! And so many times too. I am hoping that this isn't true, because if it is, well I really don't want to see how it all turns out.

I hope she doesn't end up too messed up because of her mums actions.

brdgrl

No one has said he is a paedophile.
No one knows he isn't, inc the op. It is a fact that paedophiles do seek out (in some cases) single mothers to get access to their kids. I have happily stated that I have NO idea if this is what is happening, but op needs to be aware in her 'head in the bloody clouds' state that you simply cannot trust someone you have known for 1 mth around your children. Especially not when he is seemingly happy to trample on the feelings of a 13yr old.

The concern that he is happy to trample on the girls feelings & wishes (by telling the op not to be dictated to) is massive. He doesn't know her at all, yet he is already dismissing her feelings & punishing her mum for wanting to help her own daughter. Withdrawing is his way of saying 'don't ignore me, you will lose me', which is a threat to the op. It is also making her choose between what her bf wants & what her dd NEEDS.

Projecting? Damn right, because I see flags all over this thread & they are a very fetching shade of red. My mum wrecked my latter teenage years, and what was left of our relationship because of her need for a man. Unless you have any idea how painful & lonely that feels, you need to stop telling me what to post.

I have concerns because he has withdrawn from the op & told her to stop letting her dd dictate to her.

Any MATURE man would offer his gf SUPPORT, TIME & actually actively ENCOURAGE a reduction in communication so she has space & time in which she could deal with her daughter's misgivings. Any mature man would be happy to wait, not withdraw like a petulant teenager.

Infact, out of the three involved here, the teenager is the only one NOT acting like a teenager.

And no assumptions. I have been here the dd is, i know how she is feeling, given what the op has said. It's called empathy. You know, that thing we are always asked to give others on here?

It's just that in this case, the 15yr old in me is empathising with the 13yr old here. The adult in me can empathise with the op, it is hard juggling a new life & kids, but any sympathy or support I have for her (op) goes out the window when I see/hear of a child's obvious distress, and no one wants to interrupt their sex life long enough to address it.

I have been where the dd is

I actually don't have a pattern of going onto threads with the express purpose of abusing the OP

Neither do I. It is not abusive to offer a differing opinion! It is not abusive to not jump to the defence of the op over a vulnerable child.

And of the name change dig was aimed at me, this has been my name for several years now.

differentname - as in not my regular, real life name
for this - mumsnet.

it's about the fact that children are not, and should not, be in a position to make decisions about certain issues within the home and do not have the critical abilities or experience to make those decisions. That is the job of parents. I am not in the position to be introducing a new man into my children's lives (they are 5 & 10), which is a good thing, considering I am happily married, so that isn't an immediate issue for me. But if say, I had a new friend & bought her home a few times & my daughter told me that she didn't like her, I would ASK my daughter why. I would find out exactly what was going on & why my daughter had these feelings & take it from there.

I would expect my friend to understand that I had to do this. I would expect her to offer ME some support to get to the bottom of this, I would expect her to perhaps offer some advice.

I would expect her to sulk, or tell me that my dd is dictating to me, that her feelings aren't important.

My daughters have a say in what happens in THEIR home to a certain extent. They have a right to feel safe here, they have a right to be heard here, they have a right to be respected here.

If that isn't happening, if they don't feel safe, I have failed them.
This little girl doesn't feel safe & comfortable in her home when the guy is around.

It is NOT a good message to give a young girl that what this MAN wants is more important than what she wants.

I wouldn't expect her to sulk

Well said, differentname

The OP is also teaching her daughter by her own example that having a man, any man, and putting his wants first is acceptable behaviour. She runs the risk of her DD growing up to be another manpleaser running from one bad relationship to the next.

"It is NOT a good message to give a young girl that what this MAN wants is more important than what she wants."

I suppose it depends what she wants. Presumably the OP has over 40 years of life to live, and this man might be the right one to share it with. The daughter will soon be at that staage where her mother is an embarassment and then off to uni. The answer to all problems is a bit of compromise,. If the daughter is osting abusive messages on internet while boyfriend is there ( see original post) I'd certainly start by confiscating her phone and banning computer use for a bit, strong parenting is required here. I've reported one post but yes, for most women a sex life and some one to interact with are very important.

I mentioned in my last post the family I know where pandering to the whims of a teenaged girl about her education ( didn't like local comp, didn't like non ocal comp, didn't like private school, now excluded) has cost my friends a contented family life and all their savings. OP is entitled to the relationship she wants and daughter needs to accommodate this.