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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? huge row over a fucking steak

98 replies

Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 19:59

I've name changed for this.

Dh and I are trying to stick to a tight budget for our food etc at the moment. We've got ourselves into a bit of a (manageable) rut with debt and we've worked out a budget and need to stick to it. Our budget isn't tiny - it's over £100 for the week.

Today we went to the supermarket together as we passing and we had about £5 left of our budget to spend. Dh stopped in front of the steak bit and normally we would think nothing of bunging a couple in the basket.

Without thinking - and more because I was feeling it would be nice and feeling sad we couldn't afford them - I said to him "oh I don't think we can get those today" and he basically went off on one saying he hadn't even said anything and apparently I talked to him like a child!

I really don't think I did :( I was just stating a fact. He says he hadn't even said anything and I jumped on him. I know he didn't say anything but he stopped and looked at them and we would normally get them so I assumed he was going to suggest we get them.

The whole way home we argued with each other. He is saying that I am condescending and treat him like a child and so on.

I came home and cried in the kitchen. I feel like he is bullying me because if I say the wrong thing he just leaps at me (verbally) and has a go at me and it goes on for days even if I say sorry (which I did)..was I in the wrong?

He stormed off out of the house to work taking off his wedding ring like he always does in an argument and i'm just feeling so shit about everything.

Help.

OP posts:
FatalCabbage · 31/05/2014 20:10

It isn't about the steak.

Do you row about little things often? Do you nag often (horrible misogynistic word)? Does he ignore you often? Does he take adult responsibility or shift it all to you then complain when you need co-operation?

SandorClegane · 31/05/2014 20:11

He takes his wedding ring off when you argue?! Thats pretty dickish.

littlegreengloworm · 31/05/2014 20:15

I couldn't stand that type of behaviour. 100 pound is a huge budget. He must have had some treats in the trolley I'm sure.

Taking off the ring is totally stupid. Did he know what his vows were. 'With this ring I thee we'd, unless I can't have a steak'

tumbletumble · 31/05/2014 20:15

Taking off his wedding ring when you argue is mean.

Original poster
Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 20:16

The wedding ring thing REALLY pisses me off and he knows it does and I suspect that's why he does it. He's always done it in the many years we've had a row.

I try really hard not to nag. I don't think I am a nag at all. I am a sahm. We have two children. I do everything round the house - he would do housework if I asked but I don't mind doing it.

We generally get on okay but we have these absolutely blazing rows quite often. At least twice a month at the moment. The last time I can't even remember what it was about.

He just cannot accept an apology at the time. He gets more and more angry with me even if I immediately say sorry and it ends up him not talking to me for days. He makes me feel I'm a horrible person and I don't know whether I am or not. I try really hard to be nice and not to say the wrong thing. I am fed up with watching what I say all the time for fear of upsetting him.

OP posts:
ilovepowerhoop · 31/05/2014 20:20

sounds like an arse - very PA with the whole ring thing too.

mammadiggingdeep · 31/05/2014 20:20

I was trying to be fair reading the op. I was thinking that perhaps your tone of voice was condescending and he may have had a point. BUT....then I read the part where it carried on the whole way home, you were crying (I assume he didnt comfort you/ put an end to row) and that he took his ring off?! Think he's totally over reacted :(

Sorry.

How is the relationship otherwise?

Hissy · 31/05/2014 20:22

Oh do tell him to ftfo with his passive agressive ring bollocks.

Take yours off and see how he feels! tell him that if he wants to remain married, he needs to learn to communicate with respect and to row every other week is unacceptable.

Stop apologising, stop treading on eggshells, and stop trying to be nice. He's not!

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 20:23

Yes - it's about a lot more than the steak of course.

Out of interest, in what circumstances does he put his wedding ring back on? Do you have to 'behave in a certain way for a certain length of time'?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/05/2014 20:23

I think blazing rows over steak in the supermarket can be normal.

I think taking your wedding ring off is really shitty thing to do though.
Will you be able to discuss this tomorrow?

Katisha · 31/05/2014 20:24

You are living on eggshells trying to stop him getting angry. That's no way to live.

Sleepyhoglet · 31/05/2014 20:24

On another note, how many dc do you have? It's just me, dh and bump here and we'd struggle to spend £100 a week.

Original poster
Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 20:28

Thanks for the replies. It helps to see maybe it's not me.

It usually just calms down after a few days. I have to apologise about 100 times even though I'm not always sure I'm in the wrong but anything for a bit of peace and he goes off on one saying how nothing is ever my fault (!) And that I'm always saying he over reacts (I think he does to be fair).

And then it just sort of calms down and we get on again. Until the next row. .. I feel like I'm living my whole life on eggshells trying to watch what I say because if I infer the smallest bit of annoyance about something he just gets so angry with me! When we are good we are like best friends and have a lot of fun together but when we argue it's just awful.

He knew I was crying in the kitchen (dc at grandparents by the way) and came in and said what was I crying for and I said I was upset etc he got angry again and said everything is his fault again (in an exasperated tone).

I am absolutely sick of it all. I feel constantly stressed.

OP posts:
VinoTime · 31/05/2014 20:29

He sounds like an absolute prat. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Honestly, stop walking on eggshells. Fuck him, is basically what it boils down to. Don't pander to the wee boy. Tell him he needs an attitude adjustment pronto and ignore him until he's grown up enough to apologise.

Katisha · 31/05/2014 20:32

It's in your power to change the dynamic. It will take courage but you can decide not to accept any more of this - it may give you a quietl life but it encourages him in his view that he can just bully you and threaten. The wedding ring thing is stupid, mean and bullying.

Katisha · 31/05/2014 20:32

You could also stop crying as it gives him power. Go quiet and steely and change the dynamic.

Original poster
Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 20:35

I don't know how to change it. I want to but I don't know what to do. If I argue that he is wrong it just escalates and he gets really shouty. The last time he did shout at me I did get up and walk off and leave him to it (I went to bed) and that seemed to put an end to it but there's such an awful atmosphere.

We own the house together. I know there's no way he'd leave and as I own the house I won't get housing benefit will I? I can't work as I have health conditions that prevent me from working (kidney and other physical problems). I am stuck aren't I?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 31/05/2014 20:35

He sounds manipulative and a bully No way to live :(

DocDaneeka · 31/05/2014 20:35

And stop apologising...

Original poster
Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 20:36

Can I just add not for anyone to send me messages as my email is linked to my phone and I don't want dh to know I've posted as it flashes up if he is next to my phone. Thank you.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 31/05/2014 20:36

He does sound a bit immature - like he stomps around after a row until he' s sure that your very sorry even though your not in the wrong.

That doesn't bode well really, i think you should somehow nip it in the bud.

ilovepowerhoop · 31/05/2014 20:36

I'd stop apologising for a start. And hide the effing ring. Tell him he can get it back when he starts behaving like a grown up and not a petulant child.

noddyholder · 31/05/2014 20:37

I have health problems and would find a way tbh. You would get benefits and help with rent but really you should stay in the house or he could buy you out.

tribpot · 31/05/2014 20:37

I have to apologise about 100 times even though I'm not always sure I'm in the wrong but anything for a bit of peace

Your dynamic is broken because both of you regard this as an acceptable outcome.

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 20:37

He's bullying and controlling you. Implying, every time, that he's going to walk out of your marriage (taking off the ring) because you've 'misbehaved'.

That's not on - within a few years you'll be a gibbering shadow of your current self. (Which is already suffering.) I make it that you're getting 'the treatment' about a quarter of the time?

I'd try to talk to him about it - and if he won't, I'd start thinking about life on my own with the kids.