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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? huge row over a fucking steak

98 replies

Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 19:59

I've name changed for this.

Dh and I are trying to stick to a tight budget for our food etc at the moment. We've got ourselves into a bit of a (manageable) rut with debt and we've worked out a budget and need to stick to it. Our budget isn't tiny - it's over £100 for the week.

Today we went to the supermarket together as we passing and we had about £5 left of our budget to spend. Dh stopped in front of the steak bit and normally we would think nothing of bunging a couple in the basket.

Without thinking - and more because I was feeling it would be nice and feeling sad we couldn't afford them - I said to him "oh I don't think we can get those today" and he basically went off on one saying he hadn't even said anything and apparently I talked to him like a child!

I really don't think I did :( I was just stating a fact. He says he hadn't even said anything and I jumped on him. I know he didn't say anything but he stopped and looked at them and we would normally get them so I assumed he was going to suggest we get them.

The whole way home we argued with each other. He is saying that I am condescending and treat him like a child and so on.

I came home and cried in the kitchen. I feel like he is bullying me because if I say the wrong thing he just leaps at me (verbally) and has a go at me and it goes on for days even if I say sorry (which I did)..was I in the wrong?

He stormed off out of the house to work taking off his wedding ring like he always does in an argument and i'm just feeling so shit about everything.

Help.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 00:25

The supermarket incident is just the tip of the iceberg. The man described is deliberately engineering 'wrongs' to get in a snit about just so that they can bully the OP. It was immaterial whether the steaks went in the trolley or not, the OP would have still been in the wrong & subjected to the same behaviour.

bestmunchkinsever · 01/06/2014 00:25

Just to add another perspective - my Dh does what you dI'd all the time. It drives me crazy and it does feel condescending tub. For example I could say that I need a holiday and he would respond with 'but we can't afford a holiday'. Even though mine was just a passing comment and I wasn't planning on booking a holiday. It makes you feel stupid, greedy and treated like a child. So I get why he is peed Off although the wedding ring thing is silly.

bestmunchkinsever · 01/06/2014 00:35

God just remembered one from a few days ago. came out of Wickes which is next to kfc. I said 'oh doesn't that smell lovely' and he said ' we should just leave it. we didn't have lunch that long ago'. Angry Angry Angry I didn't fucking say I was going to buy anything. it's horrible when someone does it regularly. Doesn't make me abusive, a bully or a controlling bastard because I get angry when, he does it.

Preciousbane · 01/06/2014 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glasgowstevenagain · 01/06/2014 01:06

No sex no compassion be silent get on with things. Don't cook for him. He will soon change his tune

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 06:36

Be silent and get on with things? Hmm That's precisely what this bully wants - for the OP to be silent, apologetic, treading on eggshells and trying to keep him happy. Bullies can't be dealt with passively. They have to be challenged assertively or properly rejected.

JapaneseMargaret · 01/06/2014 07:01

Silly man doesn't deserve tears and eggshell walking.

He deserves eye-rolling and being laughed at. Anticipating the inevitable removal of the wedding ring with, 'oh, here we go, off comes the ring!'

Laugh at him. That'll take the wind out of his sails.

But of course, this is all said with the proviso that the minute you're laughing at your life partner and eye rolling his pathetic, manipulative passive aggression, you're entering a whole new territory where you clearly don't respect him in the slightest.

Which is pretty much Not Good. Not Good, as in, the beginning of the end.

NMFP · 01/06/2014 07:46

Are these arguments always over the same things? eg money?

Money was a real flashpoint for my ex-. He liked to spend what was fitting for the occasion, not what he could afford, so things got very tense when money was short. He hated being questioned about what he was spending his cash on. I suspect it went back to the old 'Alpha male' thing.

I think he is at fault but its affecting you, so you need a strategy.

1 - see if you can identify the flashpoints and avoid them.
2 - if an argument starts, have a prepared response which allows the situation to diffuse, and if that doesn't work stop engaging with him (return to the car, go into another room)

AgentProvocateur · 01/06/2014 07:57

Your relationship sounds shit for many reasons, but after a week of working hard, I wouldn't want to spend my time off going to the supermarket, and if I did, I'd be really pissed off to be "told" what I could and couldn't get, especially before I'd suggested something! So, yes, I agree that you were being condescending and treating him like a child.

Doesn't excuse his childish behaviour later though

noddyholder · 01/06/2014 08:00

See if SHE can identify flash points and avoid them? Really?

beatingwings · 01/06/2014 08:07

I agree noddy- what awful advice.

OP- get rid. Life is too short. This is no way to live your life.

RedRoom · 01/06/2014 09:33

If he regularly takes his wedding ring off after a row, then he doesn't deserve to be married. Nasty.

Doinmummy · 01/06/2014 10:05

This is definitely abuse. TBH Op you sound very frightened of him. He has you exactly where he wants you - having to apologise for things you haven't done over and over and over, til he decides to speak again. Taking his ring off is his way of showing you he can get rid of you just like that too.

He will not change so if you want all this to stop, you are going to have to change.

This is abuse.

Doinmummy · 01/06/2014 10:07

NMFP that is shocking advice- that is encouraging the Op to walk on eggshells - FFS

Doinmummy · 01/06/2014 10:13

If they only ever argue about steak , then yes don't mention steak again . But they argue all the time.

What other misdemeanours does he pick on you about?

beatingwings · 01/06/2014 10:16

It's a dangerous game when we accept responsibility for other's anger.

I know that all too well.

My late husband was abusive. He would punch me in the face, and be so angry afterwards that I drove him to do such a horrible thing that I would end up apologising.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/06/2014 10:22

What some people don't understand that with some partners you cannot 'be silent' and get on with it. Or 'avoid flash points'. I spent years trying to...i learnt what not to say and bit my lip when I should have stood up to him. It didnt mean my life was any better- he just changed the goal posts and started about something else it criticised me about something else. It was actually exhausting.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/06/2014 10:23

Beating wings Flowers

doziedoozie · 01/06/2014 10:24

According to Men are from Mars, I think it was, men see their role as providing for the family rather than a more nurturing one (women) so the fact that you are struggling in that field might be a much sorer point for him than for you. Hence him going off on one.

My DH feels very much he is to provide for his family (which is a bit of a cop out as then everything else is left to me.)

mammadiggingdeep · 01/06/2014 10:26

Someone needs to tell your husband this isn't the 1950s dozie !!!!!!

beatingwings · 01/06/2014 10:28

Thansk mama. X

dozie - are you serious? Trying to excuse this behaviour.

Tellanovella · 01/06/2014 10:30

Sore point or not, he has no right to bully her.
Anyway it is a pattern.
You can't live life measuring your actions by how somebody else will react. It's not fair.

He's the type that thinks of ways to punish you for supposed misdemeanours.

pictish · 01/06/2014 10:30

Avoid flashpoints. Ha ha - they're just words that mean nothing. Life goes on regardless and it's often beyond our control.
I will mouse around trying to rearrange the universe for no one!

rodgette · 01/06/2014 10:33

just a thought
when he starts with the toddler-esque rants
try pleasing yourself, stop worrying about him
think more about yourself- put him last for a bit
if you think more of yourself instead of trying to please him
all the time, perhaps he might see a bit more value in
respecting you too.....

I AM a constant nag about money, but until he stops spending it
without thinking about the consequences then one of us as to pull
on the big girl knickers and act like an adult.... Since adopting this
approach I feel I have gained a lot more respect..
Loving someone else isn't about pleasing them, just be yourself...

If you don't have it, you cannot spend it... He needs to grow up.

a) please yourself - sod him
b) don't go shopping with him [no more rows, bliss]
c) Tell him next time he takes the ring off, not to bother putting it back on

Can you shop out of the child tax credits, child benefit so that you have control?

My husband doesn't even wear his wedding ring, he is still my husband, I don't get uptight. My husband doesn't come food shopping, he accepts I have my budget, it has to be this way while I am his wife. Have you ever thought that you are the best he will ever get? [therefore you have nothing to worry about]. It's not you honeyxxx

calmet · 01/06/2014 10:33

I am sorry to read what you are going through OP. A relationship should be supportive and fun. Yes we all have squabbles at times.

But one of the things I love about being in a loving relationship is being able to be really honest with someone who loves me.

You are walking on eggshells to avoid saying anything that will upset him. Nobody should be living like that. That is a very stressful life, and not a happy relationship.

If I was you I would either suggest Relate to try and sort these issues out, or I would leave. Even if he refused to go to Relate, you can go on your own.