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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? huge row over a fucking steak

98 replies

Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 19:59

I've name changed for this.

Dh and I are trying to stick to a tight budget for our food etc at the moment. We've got ourselves into a bit of a (manageable) rut with debt and we've worked out a budget and need to stick to it. Our budget isn't tiny - it's over £100 for the week.

Today we went to the supermarket together as we passing and we had about £5 left of our budget to spend. Dh stopped in front of the steak bit and normally we would think nothing of bunging a couple in the basket.

Without thinking - and more because I was feeling it would be nice and feeling sad we couldn't afford them - I said to him "oh I don't think we can get those today" and he basically went off on one saying he hadn't even said anything and apparently I talked to him like a child!

I really don't think I did :( I was just stating a fact. He says he hadn't even said anything and I jumped on him. I know he didn't say anything but he stopped and looked at them and we would normally get them so I assumed he was going to suggest we get them.

The whole way home we argued with each other. He is saying that I am condescending and treat him like a child and so on.

I came home and cried in the kitchen. I feel like he is bullying me because if I say the wrong thing he just leaps at me (verbally) and has a go at me and it goes on for days even if I say sorry (which I did)..was I in the wrong?

He stormed off out of the house to work taking off his wedding ring like he always does in an argument and i'm just feeling so shit about everything.

Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 20:40

Thank you for the replies.

I just needed to hear what you're all saying.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/05/2014 20:40

Stop apologising. It's one little thing you can change, it's obviously not 'working' so stop doing it. When he starts one of his strops just don't engage with him at all and do something else until he's over with.

Take some control back.

MaryWestmacott · 31/05/2014 20:42

do not appologise. Don't say sorry, you've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Blueberrybanana · 31/05/2014 20:43

I will stop apologising. I'm not sure what would happen then... I think he would just have a go at me for being so incredibly rude to him. Even if I explain what I said wasn't meant badly he says it wasn't what I said it was the way I said it! - even though I don't think I said it any particular way at all! I find myself questioning myself all the time.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 31/05/2014 20:44

I agree with those who say stop apologising

Alwaysbuybigpants · 31/05/2014 20:52

I know exactly how you feel!! I used to fly into a rage with my ex in the supermarket, but that's because I couldn't stand the sight of him and every tiny little thing he did annoyed the shit out.......... Oh.

SignoraStronza · 31/05/2014 20:54

He sounds like my ex. His tantrums only improved once I'd stopped getting upset and started fighting back or just laughing/taking the piss out of the pathetic twat. Unfortunately by that point I'd stopped caring too.

Don't tread on eggshells any more. Easier said done I know, but it was either that our turn into a gibbering wreck like my ex mother in law; yes, his father was just the same.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2014 20:56

Your husband is an abuser.

Handywoman · 31/05/2014 21:04

Oh fooooook all that for a game of sloldiers. This is so not about steak (but you know that already). It's about his fear of humiliation (esp in public), his projection of his own inadequacy onto you. And his inability to tolerate you disagreeing with him (which he sees as humiliating). Passive-agressive entitled Twattage. Stop holding his feelings for him. Shrug it off. Take the wind out of his sails, take your own ring off. But please do not appease this knob-head a moment longer.

MeganChips · 31/05/2014 21:08

My first husband was a controlling, manipulative bully and this is the kind of thing he would do. He would engineer an argument, it was even better in public, and once spent several days shouting at me over a baked potato so I get the steak thing!

I spent years walking on eggshells until the point I just didn't care what he thought of me and he knew it. The dynamic did a complete 180 degree turn and he completely changed his attitude, the way he treated me, everything. It was too late for me and I left him but had I wanted to save the marriage, it may have been a chance. I don't know.

Right now, you think you can't cope on your own and you have no choices. You do and by posting this it sounds like you're starting to realise it.

This is entirely his doing and none of it yours, it's not your fault he's a twat but believe it or not, you hold the cards. He gets off on the fact you're constantly apologising and making him feel all big and important and if you stop, you honestly have nothing to lose. It's not a partnership.

He may change, he probably won't but I wish you luck.

Tellanovella · 31/05/2014 21:11

I agree with Signorastronza. Stop treading on eggshells and answering to him.
I'd laugh at him too, storming off like a prat, whilst dramatically taking his wedding ring off. Pawn it and go on holiday without him with the cash!
Ignore his tantrums as you would a toddler in the midst of the terrible twos.
He'll either fix up or he'll ship out. But you can't tip toe around such pettiness. It will turn you into a whipped dog.

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 21:13

I'd agree that it's abuse. The taking off of the ring matters in terms of the significance that it has to the OP. She takes it seriously so he can use it as a nasty little threat - implied but strongly so.

Myself, I'd have put his ring in the bin before now, but that's me. I do, however, think that the OP has to consider her position. This is likely to just be the start.

Tellanovella · 31/05/2014 21:17

Oh yes and don't ever let him think you have no options and are stuck with him. Never voice that to him. That would make him worse and think he held all the power. You would get help and support. There's always a solution.
Best of luck.
He sounds like a spoilt entitled brat and wanted he really really wanted the steak I reckon.

cozietoesie · 31/05/2014 21:20

Maybe he did and maybe he didn't - but it's a Win-Win for him. Either he makes the OP feel bad and gets his steak or he makes the OP feel bad and gets to lord it over her because he can't have one. Sheezz.

pictish · 31/05/2014 21:22

I agree...he engineers rows to keep you in line OP.
No way to live.

nickelbabe · 31/05/2014 21:29

you csn turn off notifications to your email. just go to customize, I think.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 31/05/2014 21:36

What an arsehole. Hope he's got some redeeming features.

Tell him you are tired of this crap. You are another adult in this home, not some subservient being to be shouted at, ignored and subjected to the silent treatment until he deems your apologies to be enough. So fucking what if you've said something to annoy him -how can two adults never annoy each other!? His response says a lot about how little respect he has for you.

"Next time you take your ring off to make a point, mine is coming off too...and will never go back on."

FatalCabbage · 31/05/2014 21:55

What a catch(!)

I agree with treating him like a stroppy toddler: ignore, ignore, ignore. If he starts off, a bored "ok, whatever", "yeah, fine" to take the wind out of his sails, followed up by "are you still going on about that?"

Next time he takes his ring off, hide it. Don't tell him you've done so, or comment on its absence. If he eventually does, you can say "oh, is it missing? When/where did you see it last?" again in a bored voice.

Do try to use "ok, whatever" in place of "sorry". You almost certainly don't need to be sorry, and it shuts down the argument just as completely.

kernowgal · 31/05/2014 22:12

What is it with men using food as a means to abuse? My ex bellowed at me to "know your food!" after I dared to serve him Spanish pak choi out of season rather than some kale picked within 10cm of our house or whatever ridiculous standard he'd set for me. He had a bumper tomato harvest one year and we ate tomato soup for five nights running. When I dared suggest something different because my stomach lining had dissolved he stared at me in disbelief. Another time he treated me with utter contempt after I made pizzas with his children and the pizza toppings came out of packets and tins.

Like Meganchips I eventually realised nothing would ever be good enough. I stopped caring and it was the end of the relationship.

Tellanovella · 31/05/2014 22:39

My abuser used the dishwasher to abuse me! He used to scream at me about how I didn't load it properly (is there a right way)! He said I should do it the way he showed me to do it. In the end he said just leave the stuff on the side and I'll load. So I did! Then he would slam and bang to show how pissed off he was that his servant didn't do it.
Op this shit grinds you down in the end. It's so petty and boring too. It's designed to knock your self esteem into oblivion.
Tell him to get an F ing life.

RabbitSaysWoof · 31/05/2014 22:55

When is he due back?

getthefeckouttahere · 31/05/2014 23:21

he is an abuser?? Really?

Nah, I don't buy that at all. He's a cock no doubt. i'd buy him the nicest bit of steak i could find, really treat him, and when he asked how we could afford it i'd tell him i'd sold his fucking wedding ring to buy it.

Inertia · 31/05/2014 23:22

He's bullying you into submission. The ring palaver is to provoke an upset reaction from you- if the argument hasn't made you cry enough for his liking, then the ring business is guaranteed to make you even more upset - it's like he's reinforcing the message that if you don't do as you're told he will opt out of the marriage.

Hard as it is, you need to thing about whether this is what you want for your life. You always have choices.

In the meantime, I'd try reacting as you would react to a toddler tantrum. Don't react, don't apologise. Ignore the ring removal- don't even bother to notice whether it's on or off. A lack of reaction may make him realise what an idiot he looks.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 00:01

I think his behaviour is bullying and designed to intimidate. Taking off the ring is a threatening gesture... 'I'll end the marriage if you don't comply'. Nasty. And that it takes 'days' for him to allegedly calm down. No reasonable person stays that cross that long over something relatively trivial. He's milking it for effect.

Definitely stop crying, caving and apologising all the time because all you're earning is his contempt. If he turns it around that you're being rude or having a go at him, tell him he's being ridiculous. If he takes off the ring, tell him to stop pissing around and go see a solicitor.

BTW... by picking up all the domestic chores and not expecting him to do anything, that's not helping your standing in his eyes. You're not a servant. Always stand up to a bully.

Popper208 · 01/06/2014 00:20

I'd like to add another view to this scene, in that when your DH "stopped " at the steaks, he didn't say anything or made a move to put them in the trolly, just stopped and looked, before you said "I don't think we can get these today".
Do you think he perhaps was just looking wistfully as what once was rather than trying to make a point?
You say that after that he had a go at you on the way home for treating him like a child, etc.
Do you think that his outburst on the way home was that you had assumed he was going to put the steaks in the trolley rather than him just looking at what once was and then things just got out of hand??
Also, just for the record, taking your ring off to prove a point is absolutely ridiculous and very childish!!