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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OMG OMG Single seven years and I've been asked on a date?!

114 replies

Fontella · 31/05/2014 11:40

Had completely resigned myself to singledom forever and completely, and I mean completely, out of the blue this happens.

I have known this fella - for well over 20 years in a professional capacity. He was sort of a friend for a while in the beginning, in that we would socialise with him a bit when I was with my then partner, a long time ago. Not a close friend as such, but he was in our social group and he was a lovely bloke, really nice and always good company, but sort of on the periphery if you know what I mean.

I moved away for the best part of 15 years and when I moved back here, I reconnected with this chap through my work. He by then, was in a long term live-in relationship (I'm not entirely sure if they were married or not).

Anyway long story short I've had contact with him three, four times a year through doing work for him, since then. Always friendly and smiley, and I was chuffed that he'd found someone and was obviously very happy as he was always single when I knew him socially back in our early 20s.

Not so much as a hint of any kind of attraction or anything like that between him and me. Just a really decent, genuine lovely bloke who I'd have a bit of banter with when we met up, spoke on the phone through work etc. but who didn't really enter my life or thoughts other than that.

A couple of years ago, I had done some work on a project for him and he rang me out of the blue and asked me if I could pop down to his office to pick up the cheque. I told him I wasn't in a rush for payment and he could post it or whatever, and he said no, he wanted to pay me as he was closing down the office and 'going away' for a bit.

He sounded really weird on the phone so I jumped in the car and went down there. He was waiting there outside with my money and to be honest, my first reaction was 'what the hell have I done?' He handed the cheque to me through the window and he looked terrible, absolutely terrible. So I got out and asked him straight up what was wrong - and he just broke down sobbing in front of me.

Turns out his wife was dying and they'd only just found out!!! Absolutely tragic circumstances. She'd had a minor injury that wouldn't heal, further investigations revealed she had inoperable, terminal cancer. (Three weeks later she was dead!)

It was utterly heartbreaking and I just gave him a hug and said a few words, as you do. Didn't know what else to do or say really, I wasn't close enough to intrude if you know what I mean, but I just said 'if there's anything I can do' and the usual platitudes and that was it really, but I did think about it and him a lot after that and wondering how he was getting on.

I didn't hear from him for about a year or so, and then he got in touch one day to ask if I was interested in doing something for him again. Went to see him and it was obvious how much it had affected him, he'd aged, there was a deep sadness about him, inevitably. We had a bit of a chat and he told me he'd thought about selling the business but had decided after much thought, to start it back up again, but he had sold the home he'd shared with his wife/partner and had moved to a new place and was doing his best to get on with his life.

So that was that. I've done bits of work for him since - not seen him in between - that has never been the nature of the relationship - it's only through work that we have any contact. I did some work for him a couple of weeks ago, we had a bit of a chat as usual when we met up, and that's that!

Then this morning the phone goes and it's him!

When I heard his voice I naturally assumed it was work, but after a few umms and ahhs an clearing of his throat, he says "I was wondering if you fancied coming out for dinner with me next Saturday and then a mate of mine is having a party and we could go on there afterwards".

Just like that!?!

Before I had a chance to reply (I was that gobsmacked I couldn't think of anything to say anyway) he said "I'll leave you to think about it but I would love to see you" .. and put the phone down.

Now I'm all over the shop! What the hell? Never in a million years would I have thought this ... wow! Just wow!

OP posts:
Fontella · 01/06/2014 10:51

Er I am totally over my ex. I was totally over my ex the day I booted him out nearly 10 years ago.

Just because I refer to him as the fat bastard doesn't mean I'm not 'over' him or what he did. I call him a fat bastard because he was. He was fat, and he was a bastard. In RL he rarely enter my thoughts, and the only place he appears is on here, because this is a relationships forum where people write about their experiences of relationship breakdowns and so on. In RL he isn't even on the radar. Since I've been contributing here (just a few weeks) I've mentioned him a lot because it's the nature of the beast.

There are plenty of women on here who refer to their long gone exes in derogatory terms, but it doesn't mean they are not over them. It's just we use our own experiences as the basis of giving advice and support to others.

It's the ill-judged relationship with the friend afterwards and the various dalliances and flings since, that have far more bearing on my present state of mind. The friend in particular. I do think about him a lot, but there's nothing I can do sadly, the damage is done.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 01/06/2014 11:02

I'm backing you up here, Fontella. I also say unpleasant things about my ex here (& IRL), but he doesn't really occupy my thoughts. He certainly doesn't affect me anymore.

Fontella · 01/06/2014 11:20

Cheers Marina!

I'm not sure how we are supposed to refer to them tbh. Brad Pitt, my beloved ex, Slim Jim? Grin

I'll have to think up a new name if Fat Bastard is giving the impression that I'm not over him. How about Barry, as in Barry White? continuing with the soul theme haha.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 01/06/2014 11:36

One of my exes is also known as the Fat Bastard or FB on the very rare occasion he is mentioned. I think DH named him Grin. I am so over him I can't remember any nice thoughts about him at all. I can't even remember exactly how long we were together.

pleaseaffixstamps · 01/06/2014 15:34

went after him like a rat up a drainpipe

....I like this image.

ravenmum · 01/06/2014 16:37

Whatever might be "wrong with you" (if that's what we call the SNAFU shared by 99% of the adult population) it sounds like a lot is right. I am currently up for grabs by any man who opens a door for me. Just spent a week in hospital and am now fantasising about the doctor (probably married with two small children), mainly as he looked me in the eye and smiled, rather than giving me the evils as I've got used to lately. I can see myself leaping into another relationship just to stuff the big holes in my self-esteem, even though it would no doubt be just as you described, a complete disaster. If you really are as content as you say, that is a good thing, surely.

In my head my husband is now "that dirty lying f*er", but I am trying to wean myself off of it as I recently met someone who kept referring to his ex as a "dragon" and even that gave me quite a poor impression of him!

LoveBeingInTheSun · 01/06/2014 17:44

This is so weird to explain. I used to be a very sexual, lusty woman.

Oh heck, maybe this will wake her up!

SpringyReframed · 01/06/2014 18:16

Blimey Fontella thank you for starting this thread as so much of what you've said echoes my story and feelings. I havent been able to articulate them but you've very helpfully done it for me. I totally get where you are coming from. Thanks

Footle · 01/06/2014 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beaglesaresweet · 01/06/2014 22:02

kind of a desire for clean easy living, OP - smoking, drinking, the sexual side, all get 'dumped' Grin
It's great that you feel like you can do what YOU like, not giving a ff what you are 'supposed' to do/to want.

Fontella · 01/06/2014 22:10

I've never thought about it like that beagles, but yes, I used to have all the vices - boozer, smoker, loose morals ... now I'm Mrs No vices at all.
Grin

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 01/06/2014 22:19

i think you're right to not go. he doesn't really do it for you, and the whole thing seems awkward and contrived.

who knows- maybe he has been pushed into it and he's not really ready, hence the awkwardness. maybe things will progress slowly. more likely nothing will happen with him.

you sound like you're in a really good, strong place. i totally get being alone. i love it. i can honestly say i've never felt lonely, despite living on my own (pre dh and the sprogs). i long for time alone now.

beaglesaresweet · 01/06/2014 23:46

Grin well, you've had your fill I suppose, I can relate to some of it. If you don't miss the emotional side besides lust, you are in a truly strong, serene kind of place!

shesasillybitch · 02/06/2014 15:58

can we please get back to puddings? - hot choclate fugge cake with icecream - oooh

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