OMG OMG Single seven years and I've been asked on a date?!

[Fontella]

Had completely resigned myself to singledom forever and completely, and I mean completely, out of the blue this happens.

I have known this fella - for well over 20 years in a professional capacity. He was sort of a friend for a while in the beginning, in that we would socialise with him a bit when I was with my then partner, a long time ago. Not a close friend as such, but he was in our social group and he was a lovely bloke, really nice and always good company, but sort of on the periphery if you know what I mean.

I moved away for the best part of 15 years and when I moved back here, I reconnected with this chap through my work. He by then, was in a long term live-in relationship (I'm not entirely sure if they were married or not).

Anyway long story short I've had contact with him three, four times a year through doing work for him, since then. Always friendly and smiley, and I was chuffed that he'd found someone and was obviously very happy as he was always single when I knew him socially back in our early 20s.

Not so much as a hint of any kind of attraction or anything like that between him and me. Just a really decent, genuine lovely bloke who I'd have a bit of banter with when we met up, spoke on the phone through work etc. but who didn't really enter my life or thoughts other than that.

A couple of years ago, I had done some work on a project for him and he rang me out of the blue and asked me if I could pop down to his office to pick up the cheque. I told him I wasn't in a rush for payment and he could post it or whatever, and he said no, he wanted to pay me as he was closing down the office and 'going away' for a bit.

He sounded really weird on the phone so I jumped in the car and went down there. He was waiting there outside with my money and to be honest, my first reaction was 'what the hell have I done?' He handed the cheque to me through the window and he looked terrible, absolutely terrible. So I got out and asked him straight up what was wrong - and he just broke down sobbing in front of me.

Turns out his wife was dying and they'd only just found out!!! Absolutely tragic circumstances. She'd had a minor injury that wouldn't heal, further investigations revealed she had inoperable, terminal cancer. (Three weeks later she was dead!)

It was utterly heartbreaking and I just gave him a hug and said a few words, as you do. Didn't know what else to do or say really, I wasn't close enough to intrude if you know what I mean, but I just said 'if there's anything I can do' and the usual platitudes and that was it really, but I did think about it and him a lot after that and wondering how he was getting on.

I didn't hear from him for about a year or so, and then he got in touch one day to ask if I was interested in doing something for him again. Went to see him and it was obvious how much it had affected him, he'd aged, there was a deep sadness about him, inevitably. We had a bit of a chat and he told me he'd thought about selling the business but had decided after much thought, to start it back up again, but he had sold the home he'd shared with his wife/partner and had moved to a new place and was doing his best to get on with his life.

So that was that. I've done bits of work for him since - not seen him in between - that has never been the nature of the relationship - it's only through work that we have any contact. I did some work for him a couple of weeks ago, we had a bit of a chat as usual when we met up, and that's that!

Then this morning the phone goes and it's him!

When I heard his voice I naturally assumed it was work, but after a few umms and ahhs an clearing of his throat, he says "I was wondering if you fancied coming out for dinner with me next Saturday and then a mate of mine is having a party and we could go on there afterwards".

Just like that!?!

Before I had a chance to reply (I was that gobsmacked I couldn't think of anything to say anyway) he said "I'll leave you to think about it but I would love to see you" .. and put the phone down.

Now I'm all over the shop! What the hell? Never in a million years would I have thought this ... wow! Just wow!

Hogwash - for real?? But, but, they don't even let you see the pudding menu until you've eaten your mains!

Totally understand you being wary after the previous sad ending with a friend, OP

Don't forget, though, that nobody's suggesting you dive right in and throw yourself at the guy, least of all him; he suggested a nice evening out, not an instant relationship, and given the way he handled it he's obviously extremely decent

Give Otis a ring like you said; I'm certain he'll explain that there was nothing to it except, maybe, Marvin confiding he'd love to ask you and getting well-meant encouragement. Nothing at all wrong there, and if you want to you can always send that quick text about whether he still fancied dinner ...

Is it not possible that Marvin didn't know you'd split up with the fat bastard until Otis and he had a conversation very recently?

Hence Otis hasn't 'meddled' just unwittingly let on that you're single.

I hear what you are saying about 'overthinking'. But truth is I've got into most of the scrapes I've got into in the past through not thinking. And through not listening to my gut feeling.

This time I'm doing both - maybe too much, granted, but rather that than getting all carried away.

Also, no disrepect but saying 'oh go, it's just a meal, it's just a no strings teeny tiny date' and so on - I don't know how I can get this across but after seven years of total aloneness, not so much as a whiff of a man in all that time. No fancying, no interest, no nothing - the thought of going on a 'date' with a man is hugely difficult. I know it seems like a tiny thing on paper, for me it's a huge thing, just thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Then add to the awkward stilted conversation earlier, with someone I am normally totally at ease with, then finding out someone else (who knows all my past business) is possibly in the frame and the old hinky meter going off ten to the dozen. The prospect of even a teeny tiny date - is one that isn't holding a lot of appeal right now.

Christ, I'm really opening up now, and this is going off at a right old tangent, but I'm not even sure I could ever be touched. The other day my daughter came up behind me and put her hands around my waist and I nearly shot through the roof. I really snapped at her 'don't do that!' (obviously apologised afterwards) but it's been so long since I've been 'touched' physically, anything other than a quick face-on hug, peck on the cheek with my kids, friends or whatever. But the feeling of someone putting their arms around me like that (even my own daughter ffs), just made me feel so uncomfortable.

I think it's highly likely I have got 'issues', I do overthink and I think a lot of weird stuff as well, but I don't want that to come across like I'm some kind of nutjob either. It's very difficult to explain this kind of thing on a forum like this, but I don't remember the emotional side of relationships fondly. I don't think at all about the physical side either. I have been celibate a long time and it doesn't bother me. I don't long for sex or intimacy or romance or any of that, and yes, I am quite a cynical person compared to how I once was, and yes, there is no question that my past experiences have brought a lot of that about.

But I am content also. I have a nice life that I've built for myself. No it's not all bells and whistles but I don't want it to be. I like being on an even keel. I enjoy my own company, I'm alone but not lonely and yes, I have resigned myself to a single future, which doesn't at all fill me with dread.

Maybe some people are better off on their own, and I am one of them. Every single relationship I've ever had turned out shit, and yes I met some wrong 'uns but on the other hand, they weren't all bad, and the one common denominator was me. If you've noticed, I have a lot of male friends. I get on extremely well with men as friends, it's the relationships I'm shit at.

I wasn't expecting this today, I wasn't prepared for it. If the conversation had gone easier, I might have said yes (but I would still have fretted about it for the next week), it might have all turned out lovely .. but right now I'm not sorry that I'm not going.

I really do appreciate all your lovely replies and encouragement and I'm sorry this has turned into a bit of a counselling session (not like me at all to 'open up' like this). Hope I don't come across as too damaged and bitter because I'm not at all. It's just that I've found a place where I'm content and safe. Took me a while to find it, and I'm not in any hurry to leave it, if that makes sense.

Is it not possible that Marvin didn't know you'd split up with the fat bastard until Otis and he had a conversation very recently? Hence Otis hasn't 'meddled' just unwittingly let on that you're single.

Split up with fat bastard nearly 10 years ago!

Apart from a couple of ill fated flings and relationship with friend that went tits up. I've been single ever since - 7 years. Marvin knows perfectly well I'm single. He's known it for years. He knows I've brought the kids up on my own etc.

What he doesn't know (at least not from me) is the circumstances of the break up with fat bastard or anything like that, any kind of detailed personal business. I don't have those kinds of conversations with him.

It's just work related, hobby related, how are you, how are the kids type thing.

You;re not ready.

Aahhh, Fontella, don't feel you "owe us a date". If you're not ready, so be it.

Fontella you are really switched on and I just think 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be etc' - he will find a way through if fate dictates. You sound happy in your skin and that is rare. Otis sounds nervous too and he's been through shit and you sound like a very caring person (sorry talking but I know what I mean!)

I hear you, Fontanella.

The only time I dated a client, I married him. That went tits up and the business was a dreadful complication.

On the other hand, my business was the type that is habitually conducted in restaurants, with loads of booze, so I wouldn't have a second thought about going on a 'date' such as this. I appreciate it means more when the dinner itself is a deviation from your ongoing relationship.

I've been 100% single for 12 years and 100% celibate for 9! I know some people think there's something wrong with me, and most people seem more anxious to be coupled up than I do. I'm not saying it'll never happen, but I can afford very high standards because I'm content this way ... it took work, a lot of work, and I'm proud of it.

Marvin sounds kind of sweet. It'll be interesting (if weirdly teenagery) to hear what Otis has to say :)

Calm down hogwash, I was only joking.

Wow - is there any need for faces and FFS ing on this thread?

Ah fontella scratch that then if he already knew you were single.

If it's going to cause you turmoil and upset then I agree it's not worth the bother.

Thanks Garlic,

I knew there were others 'like me' on here because I've read them on other other threads. Wow - 12 years and 10, makes my 7 look paltry by comparison.

There are people in RL who think there's something wrong with me too. (maybe there is?). They keep going on about online dating but seem unable to understand that I would rather enter the Grand National riding a hedgehog bareback, than do effing online dating. Can't accept that it is possible to be contentedly single.

Marvin is very sweet. Very sweet and nice and lovely and he does indeed have the Paul Newman eyes. But not once have I looked at him in a fancying kind of way, not when we were young, not when I came back into contact with him after living away for so long, and he was happily 'married' with his lady (still not sure about that, but I'll find out if they were actually Mr and Mrs ), nor since he was widowed. I'm sure there is a lovely woman out there for him somewhere, but hand on heart, thinking it all over today, I'm pretty sure it ain't me.

I feel emotionally drained, but hugely grateful to Mumsnet and all you fantastic women for being here for me today, for allowing me to ramble on and open up and confront some issues about myself that I've probably been keeping suppressed and hidden. I thought I had it all sorted, but maybe I've still got a bit of a way to go.

Aside from all that, I've done bugger all workwise, so will need to make tomorrow a much more productive day in terms of the practicalities of life.

I will however have a chat with Otis at some point, and post back if I feel any of it may be of interest, although I'm sure you are all bored shitless with it and me, by now.

Thanks again one and all.

Now it's cocoa and bedtime for this old spinster.

Yes, yes, please post back Sweet dreams.

You are amazing, don't let this stir up any unpleasant feelings. I'm sure there's no more to Otis than a helpful man type push due to something he had said ie yes I might be ready to date...well someone like fontella.

With apologies to OP for derailing, but I could not let this pass without comment:

Hogwash - for real?? But, but, they don't even let you see the pudding menu until you've eaten your mains!

I know at least two people who ask to see the dessert menu before ordering their starter/main so they can ensure they still have room for their preferred pud.

OP - if you are happy as you are, no need to rock the boat. On the other hand, it would be a shame to pass up a chance for connection through fear of change. Gut instincts are useful, but sometimes gut wobbles are telling us we don't have enough info to make an informed decision rather than to avoid altogether.

Fontella thank you for giving some depth to the happy being single sector

I often read on here about people loving being single because they don't want to wash a mans dirty socks, listen to him ranting at other road users ,share the bed etc etc and I have posted my own contributions on those threads.

I feel exactly like you about being single (four and a half years) and the journey to get to this place and it's nice to read someone else's take on that. Particularly as all my friends are married and the single ones are all bar one looking for a man which occasionally leaves me questioning myself !

Hi Footie,

Yes I hug and kiss my kids all the time, my mum, my sis - so no worries there. A friend came round the other day and I gave her a massive hug and cuddle before she left.

It's not that - it was the intimacy of what my daughter did - coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around my waist - kind of like a man might - it was a much more intimate type of touching - hard to explain, but I didn't like it, and really snapped at her.

Of course I apologised and it was all fine, but it did make me think you know, if I even want a man touching me again type thing? So hard to explain in words on a forum, but it just got me thinking whether I would actually want that kind of relationship again. I just can't see myself, snogging, touching, being with a man in in that way? It just doesn't appeal to me, there's no desire there?

This is so weird to explain. I used to be a very sexual, lusty woman. I've gone after men purely for lustful purposes. I told a story on another thread on here about how I fell in instant lust with a bloke in a pub once when I was away on business, and went after him like a rat up a drainpipe.

But now it's like none of that interests/appeals to me. I don't miss it think about it, desire it, so I do question if I'm done with that part of my life. I am not one of those women who longs for intimacy and sex and all that. I gave up smoking a few years ago and it was easy. It was more like it gave me up. After years of being a smoker I was just able to stop. No patches, no withdrawal, nothing. I know some people go through hell giving up, but I didn't.

I recently gave up drinking. Same thing. I used to drink two, three bottles of wine a week - just me at home - not good - and decided to pack it in. I did. It was easy, and several months on I don't miss it at all and have no desire to drink. Again it was like it gave me up.

And that's how I feel about men, sex, relationships. Like somewhere along the line, they gave me up?

Anyway, I'm completely cool with my decision regarding Marvin. I've slept on it, I feel calm and back to my old self. Lovely bloke, really sweet of him to ask me, but I'm not going there. He'll find someone I'm sure. But it won't be me.

You are still calling your ex names, you are not over what he did to you, tell this guy you need a bit more time.