I cheated! ruined my life!

[danderson0581]

My names Dan and i cheated on my wife. We have been together over 8 years married almost 2 and have a 6 year old son.
3 months ago I entered into an affair. It lasted for 2 weeks. DW found out about it and since then my actions have not only devastated her but changed her enormously. After the affair came out I initially denied a lot of things in some vain attempt at self protection. I couldn't believe what I had done. I spent a few days on the sofa and then moved to the spare room. I could see every day the sadness and hurt she was going through and the guilt and remorse was bleeding through me. After a week in the spare room DW asked me to come back to the marital bed. We started cuddling again and were close again. Until I found out that she has started texting another man. I can understand why. I've crushed her. That was the moment I knew that she didn't want to try any more. And who could blame her. My paranoia and jealousy because of this other man has overcome me. I thought she wanted to try. As times gone on I found myself pushing for an answer if we were gonna officially give it another try. During this whole time there's been a lot of emotions from both me in particular. Then a fortnight ago which was about 2 months after the affair DW told me she doesn't love me any more and wants me out. I'm guilty of not giving her space to digest what's happend and constantly trying to show how sorry I am hoping she would believe my sorrow. All that did was push what little chance there was away. I moved out of the family home last Monday. I stay here on the weekends as it stands until I get my own place. I have destroyed our life. We were very happy had normal issues but nothing that warranted cheating. I can't look at my son as I've ripped his mummy and daddy apart. I breakdown 5-6 times a day as the guilt shame and sorrow over comes me. I don't know why I had the affair I had been faithful for 8 years and never even thought about cheating. Life was fantastic. Amazing. I had a wife that loved me dearly and I've obliterated it and her. Now from initially being ok with me and still getting on she can not even look at me it's like she's only just found out again but worse. I know I've made my bed and have to lie in it but the reason I'm on here is because I don't have anyone. My wife has a great family who will support her what ever she does fantastic friends and now the destraction of another man telling her how amazing and sexy she is etc. I miss my wife so much it hurts. I am truly regretful remorseful abd ashamed of my actions of the lead up and during the affair. I got shown some attention by someone and i wrongly acted on it and for some reason didn't get out of it. I would give anything for another chance at this but its too late. She's made her decision. She wants devorce. She's gone from loving me to not loving me in 2 weeks. I've done too much to her and its irreparable. The woman I love dearly and cherish I have destroyed and now I'm very worried about her she is not herself now at all. I hope that one day whenever that may be we get another chance at this. I f'ed up big time. I've destroyed a family. I've lost my family unit. And her family that treated me as on of theirs I've s##t on them too. She seems to be handling this very well no emotion short sharp answers. Someone I was close to for 8 years and now she doesn't even want me speaking to her. I know I'm gonna get so much abuse on here but the shame and regret I feel is undescribable. I now have nothing, not a penny to my name and sleeping in my mates kids room. I miss my family and my wife so much. She seems to be moving on now. I am struggling. Struggling to come to terms with what I did and why I did it. Lost everything basically for a couple of shags! I deserve it all I know that but even people like me need support and guidance as at the moment I'm getting none. I miss my wife dearly!

Dan

I do feel sorry for you and your wife- you made probably the worst mistake of your life. Other posters may slag me off here for trying to console you at all, but you sound like you are genuinely remorseful and like you are really hurting.

I really haven't got much advice for you, other than maybe accept this and move on? Cheating is a deal-breaker for many women and there is no way for some to get the trust back- the paranoia and suspicion will always be there. The only thing you can do perhaps is to ask your ex if there really is no turning back, and seeing if counselling isn't an option to try and save your marriage. If she says no then you need to think about what is best for your son and put your feelings aside until there is clarity and arrangements have been made. Stop feeling sorry for yourself- as I am sure you are aware this is a repercussion of the choices YOU made and you will perhaps pay dearly, but try and make good decisions to stop any further fallout re your son.

You need to honestly learn the lesson and figure out why it hurts so. Plus, you also owe it to yourself to find out why you cheated, because there is always an underlying reason. Yes, the suffering hurts, because we are human. Whenever we lie, cheat, or betrayed someone, it hurts. That goes with the territory for work, love, family and so forth. If you are not aware of this already, then you are missing the lesson from life.

People need people. That is how it works. Be a reliable person, and be relied upon. Everyone is connected whether you want to see it that way or not.

I better get off the thread before the crowd comes on, and no, it is not a great way to make yourself better by being abused by random strangers online either. This is not a playground, and you should and ought to protect yourself there too !

If it hurts, then do something with that hurt. You cannot change the past, but you should find motivation to reverse a little bit of what the effect is and continue.

Is your wife on MN?

I ask because if she is you're posting very personal information that could be very painful to read.

Is your DW on MN? Are you hoping she will read this?

It's clear you regret your actions and that your emotions are raw but it's not true that your exW is handling this with no emotion - she's been badly let down and it'll hurt for a long, long time however much support she gets. It's also not true that you have no-one. There's at least one mate willing to give you a bed while you sort yourself out. Do you have any family of your own? Plus you have your son - and whatever's happened and however badly you've behaved, you always owe it to him to be the best dad you can be whether you're married to his mother or not. If you're really struggling emotionally with what's happened above and beyond the obvious, then you can always talk to your GP.

Would then suggest you try focusing on practical things as a way to move forward. A permanent place to stay, work, getting finances sorted out and getting legal advice. You might have been a poor husband but you can still make this a good split. You can't change the past but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them in future.

I agree with cog and would also ask you to see your GP if this is impacting on you so badly.

I am a 'cheated on' wife and the emotions that brings up when an affair is discovered is something I've never experienced before. In my experience, it does change you. Your whole outlook has to change when your safe world has been rocked so it is important that you allow her the space she needs.

I'm not saying she will have you back, I wouldn't take my stbxh back but you must give her space to learn how to deal with the pain.

Try and sort out somewhere a bit more permanent to stay as going back each weekend isn't an ideal situation for either of you. It also won't help either of you if you are breaking down in front of her. At the moment, she probably won't be able to see that you are crying out of remorse. She may see you crying out of being selfish at being found out.

I also agree you need to take time to think why you slept with OW. IMO, this doesn't just happen in a happy family unit, identify the underlying issues you may have had.

You need to look your son in the eye, he needs you as well as his Mum. I don't know how old he is but he must be terribly confused by the situation.

Firstly, you need to seek some medical advice though.

I genuinely am sorry you are all going through this and am not going to berate you but affairs hurt, the pain is immense - mostly on both sides. It's how you all move forward now that is important.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my mum. From the first affair their marriage was destroyed and in hindsight they should have divorced then. My dad then cheated on my mum many times, nearly destroying her in the process and ruining our childhood.

I think some couples can recover from an affair but very many can't. For me, it's the ultimate betrayal and I would never ever forgive my husband and would act as your wife is now.

Believe me, your wife will have gone through utter hell since finding out. I do feel slightly sorry for you - but we make our decisions and live with the consequences. What I would do now in your shoes...

• try to get your life in order a bit. Find somewhere to live. You will need some stability for when you see your son
• for the sake of your sanity in the future, let your wife know how remorseful you are. That you would do anything to change things. You just never know
• if your feelings continue, I would seek counselling

All the very best

I do feel sorry for you, but your post just makes it even harder to understand why people have affairs. If the loss and guilt is so awful once you're found out, why risk it in the first place?

For me, just the very thought of losing my family unit was enough to never even think of doing something like that. It's wrong, the fallout is horrendous, so why do it? Do people honestly not think of the consequences?

I hope you can manage to move on and rebuild your life. Take all the help you can get, go for counselling if you need to. But accept that your previous life is more than likely over. Learn from your mistake and if you are lucky enough to meet someone else please never treat her so badly. No one deserves that.

"why risk it in the first place?"

A psychologist will tell you that there are no such things as accidents. Taking him on face value, for a one-off affair of just two weeks to be discovered so quickly, he was either very careless, very unlucky or on some level he wanted to be caught.

How did the affair happen and how did it come to light OP?

I met the girl at a party only spoke to her for half hour she was a friend of a friend. never thought nothing of it no connection or anything. couple of days later she finds me on Facebook and starts messaging me telling me how nice she thought I was. she knew I was married. I started enjoying the attention. then it spiraled from there. I got shown a lot of attention from a young attractive girl. the affair come out when she started getting nasty she was badgering me to leave my wife and I said no and then she saw red. she then found the wife on Facebook and told her everything and includes screenshots of all the messages etc we had sent.
I knew what I was doing was wrong but somehow carried on.
when it all came out I couldn't work out why I did it. I had everything people dream of. I'll be asking my self why for a long time. but I did it and yes this is a consequence of my actions. yes I'm having counciling to come to terms with it all and like they said there has to be a reason I might not know it yet but with help and guidance I may find it.

I have recently been on your dw position. 2 months down the line dh has moved back in and he (and me a bit) are doing work to get things on track.

This is necessarily going to happen for you. Its an individual choice for your dw what she wants to do. But for your own sake read shirley glass not just friends. See your gp and arrange some counscelling. I found it hard when dh was in self pity mode. You made a choice. I was a shit one. You now have to decide if that will define you.

Another question OP.... you phrased it that you 'entered into an affair' which suggests that your 'couple of shags' wasn't a ONS or a drunken fumble at the office party. (Correct me if I'm wrong) 'Entered into an affair' sounds a little more substantial and presumably, if you hadn't been rumbled, it would have carried on? So my question is.... was there a run-up to the affair? Did you get emotionally close to this person before it got physical and had you been neglecting your family while it happened? You also mentioned 'paranoia and jealousy' over her texting another man. Understandable on one level I suppose, but had 'paranoia and jealousy' - possessiveness, control, suspicion - been a feature of your marriage before?

Context is everything

Oh and you need to be honest when she comes to you with questions. Minimising things (even if you want to "protect" your wife) does not help. It just makes you less trustworthy

This reads like you are writing a story.

"I knew what I was doing was wrong but somehow carried on."

'Somehow' doesn't cut it really. You know why you carried on.... you've already said you were flattered by a younger attractive woman. There will be other reasons that maybe you're not proud of or don't like to admit, but which you'll have to be honest about (in therapy and to yourself rather than here) if you're to learn anything from the experience.

entered into the affair was that we carried on messaging and meeting up every now and again. I was just amazed that this pretty girl fancied me and wanted me so much. it was like a fantasy I had created. never neglected my family at all it was like a double life. I never linked the 2 really. then after a drunken night when I ended up at hers everything hit me and what I was doing so I left hers and walked home nearly 20 miles. my phone battery went my wife was thinking the worse. I knew I had to stop all this but couldn't face telling my wife what I had done. but knew that if I called it of with OW she's go mad as she'd threatened it early on. the latter happened. the affair wouldn't have carried on. I should have told DW everything instead of lying about it all. I have never been jealous paranoid or controlling of my wife at all she has never given me reason to be jealous. my jealousy is down to the fact that the part of DW I have lost the bits I love the most some other guy is getting. I know I've pushed that. it's a response to what I've done. I love her dearly and hope that she is ok and happy again soon

Some of us are weak when faced with temptation. Guess you thought you could have your cake and eat it. And really, she was badgering you to leave your wife ..... After 2 weeks?????? Was she totally nuts????? I think you know that it would have continued if you had not been caught out. You have hurt someone deeply, she has to try and sort deal with her pain and find her own way forward in life which is what you now also have to do. You can't go back in time but you can go forward with more maturity and wisdom and learn from this costly mistake.

If it's any consolation I think you've achieved some progress. You've realised you were foolish, susceptible to flattery and that you are capable of conveniently ignoring morality & values and thinking that immoral actions kept separate and secret do not impact on 'real life'. Rarely works. You also seemed to have homed in on someone who (and this is in no way blaming the OW) sounds very vulnerable, needy and unstable. That's something else you might want to think about - why is that kind of person attractive to you? Where was this party that you met her? Who is the mutual friend? Was your DW at the same party and does she know the same friends?

I'm pleased you want your exW to be happy again soon. Make her and your DS's happiness your objective and you will be able to make peace with yourself eventually.

You have learnt that not all women forgive cheating, your wife sounds like a very strong woman and has even got another man after her.

This wasn't an one night stand but an affair, I am guessing you had sex with this girl several times? that is what is getting to your wife, it wasn't an one off mistake but a string of deceit.

You need to move on with your life, if your wife never forgives you then learn from this and never cheat on your next partner because not all women are willing to forgive and move on.

Unfortunately for you Dan you've betrayed her in the worst possible way.

There are some women who seem to be able to rise above, overlook, go round an affair, forgive, forget, reconcile and move forward, and stay in the relationship after they've been cheated on.

Then there are some, like me, for whom it is a complete deal breaker. The circumstances of it, how it came about etc. are irrelevant I'm afraid, it's the fact that the husband/partner has had intimate sexual relations with another female - be it once, twice, or several times. Once that has happened, it's game over and no amount of genuine guilt or remorse is going to change that I'm afraid.

In doing what you did, you have blown your own world apart, and unfortunately for you it sounds like your wife is like me and others, for whom sex with another woman is something she's just not able to get past, under any circumstances.

It didn't help that when confronted you told her a pack of lies. Maybe if you'd come clean there might have been a chance, but to stand there in front of your wife and deny and minimise, actually makes it ten times worse.

I also do feel sorry for you. It takes a lot of balls to come on here and write what you did and because of your honesty and the remorse and sadness that comes through in every word you write, the responses from MNetters has been gentler than they otherwise might have been.

But the fact is mate, you cheated and then you lied about it. Your wife is telling you in the clearest possible terms that for her, there's no coming back from that. There's nothing else you can do but respect her decision. It is you who betrayed her, after all.

Good on your wife for deciding that she doesn't want you.
Tough luck, move on.

You've had some really great responses here about learning why you did this. Sympathy even.

But at the end of the day, you sow, you reap. What a shame your wife reaps from your shitty behaviour too.

You may never be able to restore a relationship with your wife.

But you might be able to learn from this experience, so you can have healthy relationships in future.

I noticed that you have said at several points "somehow" or "for some reason" rather than fully owning up to your choice. I think this is an area you will need to explore, probably with counselling, when you are ready to face what you have done.

Because your STBX will also know that loud bewailings are not the same as the true remorse which leads to learning, insight and change.

Cheating isn't always a deal breaker. It never was for me and I know many people who it hasn't been for. However, we have been married for 20 years and most marriages have some sort of infidelity happen in the time. Though never for MNers, it seems.

Chin up OP dust yourself down and start to deal with your new reality. Your life will change, you will rebuild it. Get some self respect, focus on sorting yourself out. Work hard, spend solid time with your son and let you both come to terms with what happened. It will get better, you may not get back together but you both will be stronger. Take one day at a time.

"Early on" ? I am finding it confusing the way you talk when this affair only lasted two weeks ? The girl got that nasty and wanted you to leave your wife within a fortnight ?

I don't think you are being entirely truthful with us and possibly with yourself. However, the result is the same. Your marriage is over.

There are two positives to focus on. Firstly, you are still and will always be a dad so you need to the very best you can for your son. Secondly, if you have learned anything, you will never do this again.