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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated! ruined my life!

80 replies

danderson0581 · 31/05/2014 05:05

My names Dan and i cheated on my wife. We have been together over 8 years married almost 2 and have a 6 year old son.
3 months ago I entered into an affair. It lasted for 2 weeks. DW found out about it and since then my actions have not only devastated her but changed her enormously. After the affair came out I initially denied a lot of things in some vain attempt at self protection. I couldn't believe what I had done. I spent a few days on the sofa and then moved to the spare room. I could see every day the sadness and hurt she was going through and the guilt and remorse was bleeding through me. After a week in the spare room DW asked me to come back to the marital bed. We started cuddling again and were close again. Until I found out that she has started texting another man. I can understand why. I've crushed her. That was the moment I knew that she didn't want to try any more. And who could blame her. My paranoia and jealousy because of this other man has overcome me. I thought she wanted to try. As times gone on I found myself pushing for an answer if we were gonna officially give it another try. During this whole time there's been a lot of emotions from both me in particular. Then a fortnight ago which was about 2 months after the affair DW told me she doesn't love me any more and wants me out. I'm guilty of not giving her space to digest what's happend and constantly trying to show how sorry I am hoping she would believe my sorrow. All that did was push what little chance there was away. I moved out of the family home last Monday. I stay here on the weekends as it stands until I get my own place. I have destroyed our life. We were very happy had normal issues but nothing that warranted cheating. I can't look at my son as I've ripped his mummy and daddy apart. I breakdown 5-6 times a day as the guilt shame and sorrow over comes me. I don't know why I had the affair I had been faithful for 8 years and never even thought about cheating. Life was fantastic. Amazing. I had a wife that loved me dearly and I've obliterated it and her. Now from initially being ok with me and still getting on she can not even look at me it's like she's only just found out again but worse. I know I've made my bed and have to lie in it but the reason I'm on here is because I don't have anyone. My wife has a great family who will support her what ever she does fantastic friends and now the destraction of another man telling her how amazing and sexy she is etc. I miss my wife so much it hurts. I am truly regretful remorseful abd ashamed of my actions of the lead up and during the affair. I got shown some attention by someone and i wrongly acted on it and for some reason didn't get out of it. I would give anything for another chance at this but its too late. She's made her decision. She wants devorce. She's gone from loving me to not loving me in 2 weeks. I've done too much to her and its irreparable. The woman I love dearly and cherish I have destroyed and now I'm very worried about her she is not herself now at all. I hope that one day whenever that may be we get another chance at this. I f'ed up big time. I've destroyed a family. I've lost my family unit. And her family that treated me as on of theirs I've s##t on them too. She seems to be handling this very well no emotion short sharp answers. Someone I was close to for 8 years and now she doesn't even want me speaking to her. I know I'm gonna get so much abuse on here but the shame and regret I feel is undescribable. I now have nothing, not a penny to my name and sleeping in my mates kids room. I miss my family and my wife so much. She seems to be moving on now. I am struggling. Struggling to come to terms with what I did and why I did it. Lost everything basically for a couple of shags! I deserve it all I know that but even people like me need support and guidance as at the moment I'm getting none. I miss my wife dearly!

Dan

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 31/05/2014 11:23

My heart is bleeding for you. You need support and guidance? Bullshit. You need a time machine. Clearly, she wasn't worth it was she. You just come across as whiny,must done by and a passenger in all of this.
My advice....print out your post and keep it somewhere safe, look at from time to time and learn from it.
Other posters have given you advice so take it. I have no sympathy for you.

cantbelievethisishppening · 31/05/2014 11:24

-hard done by-

QuintessentiallyQS · 31/05/2014 11:36

You have betrayed and humiliated her, thought with your dick, shat on your own doorstep, shagging a friend of a friend. You need to look at yourself and rediscover who you are. The respectable family man and husband does not exist, you are dad only by name and biology. Who are you? This you need to discover.

But give your ex space and dont involve her in your self-inflicted sorrow. No wonder she asked you to get out if you first screw around, lie and minimize, then act heartbroken and rather than reassure her you turn into a pitiable "woe is me" pathetic excuse of a man, seeking reassurance from her. You have not right to be jealous that she texts a man, you fucked somebody else and I think that sort of trumps anything.

LucyInTheSky78 · 31/05/2014 11:39

If you're truly remorseful, you will make the divorce as easy as possible for your wife. You've put her through enough already. Be fair, don't get nasty about it and think about paying her legal bills.
Treat her with respect, be a good dad so she doesn't have to worry about that too.
In time, you might have a decent relationship for the sake of your children but you've got to lay the groundwork for that now.
I really think that's the best you can do now.

cantbelievethisishppening · 31/05/2014 11:47

Plus, you also owe it to yourself to find out why you cheated, because there is always an underlying

Bullshit

cantbelievethisishppening · 31/05/2014 11:48

reason

QuintessentiallyQS · 31/05/2014 12:01

erm, the underlying reason of course being that he was a cheating bastard?

Dont go blaming the victim now again Maisie.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2014 12:42

Dont go blaming the victim now again Maisie

Oh. I didn't read it as victim-blaming.

I read it as the OP needs to look at himself to see what he is lacking to 'allow' himself to betray his family like that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/05/2014 12:59

Yes you have been a fool.

Now own it. Take responsibility. Be the man she thought you were and accept the consequences. If your wife has shut the door on you, respect her decision. If she decides to give you a second and last chance, fgs seize it.

You owe it to your son to be the very best dad you can be. A role model. Someone he can look up to.

Quitelikely · 31/05/2014 13:04

You reap what you sow. I'm rather pleased that your wife discovered you were a cheat. I hope she meets someone who respects her. You on the other hand need to learn that if you play with fire you might get your fingers burned.

Tellanovella · 31/05/2014 13:19

You and your EGO have destroyed your family.
You are now imagining what another man is doing to your wife. That my friend is called KARMA.
Let her enjoy her life now, she deserves to.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2014 13:24

Could you answer the question of whether your ex is a MN'er ?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/05/2014 13:41

You reap what you sow.....

And I think you're being dishonest over the length of the affair. Is your Ex a MN and you're hoping she reads this and thinks you're contrite and it didnt last long.

Infinity8 · 31/05/2014 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weakandvocal · 31/05/2014 16:10

There is no such thing as Karma. The fact that people think there is bemuses me.

People cheat; always have done, always will. Around half of the population. There are worse things happening in Darfur, frankly, and you may or may not be stamping your feet and firing your vitriol at warlords on the internet, but I doubt it.

I am impressed by the OP's wife reaction. She's stood up for herself but it doesn't need a whole pile of women sticking the boot in when the OP's life is currently a mess. He hasn't murdered anyone, he's been very selfish, but then, so very many people are.

cantbelievethisishppening · 31/05/2014 16:21

He hasn't murdered anyone, he's been very selfish, but then, so very many people are

How beautifully simplistic. Am sure all those women who have had their lives torn apart by a cheating husband will feel oh so relieved to read such wise and helpful words. Hmm

Fairenuff · 31/05/2014 16:23

OP your description of how it 'spiralled' shows that you have not really managed to take responsibility yet.

You should be saying things like "I made an active decision to contact the ow", "I made an informed choice to have sex with her", etc. Nothing that you have said so far indicates that you regret what happened. You just regret getting caught.

But then that is the way with cheaters. You are, sadly, one of many who only regret the lying and cheating when they lose something themselves. It wasn't until the consequences of your own actions impacted on you that you suddenly became distraught.

Your wife is a smart woman and I'm glad she valued herself more than you did.

Wrapdress · 31/05/2014 16:35

Two weeks?? Meet at party, message on FB, sex, OW demands you leave your wife, 20 mile walk. All in just 2 weeks??? How is that even possible?

Original poster
danderson0581 · 31/05/2014 16:58

thanks for all the comment so far. yes I made the decision to get into this affair. I made the decision to sleep with her yes that is blatantly obvious. again I stress that for a moment I was weak. I am having counciling as they said there is a reason I probably just don't know it yet. yes it was a massively selfish act which I've never denied. yes it happened for only 2 weeks. DW has seen all the evidence etc. I know I should have owned up. well I shouldn't have done it anyway. the feelings of remorse and regret are true. yes I'm a bad dad for doing what I did to the family. when he's asking me questions about why mummy and daddy aren't happy. when he's old enough to understand I will tell him the truth. what I did was wrong and how I acted was wrong and selfish I recognise that. I'm not sad at getting caught no I'm sad that I made a decision that has now not only destroyed my wife her confidence and her plans of our future I have destroyed my son's future and my own. it's the first and only time I have entered into an affair the thought had never crossed my mind. but one moment after initial contact it did. that was the moment I should have gone "no dan no" but I didn't. the regret is heartfelt. yes I wish I could go back and talk some sense into my self but that won't happen. everything is still very raw and yes I have done all the begging etc which rationally no one wants to see. I've accepted that she doesn't want to be with me any more. I've just not accepted my own actions and my own reasons. one thing for sure is that it will change me. I hope in time myself and DW can perhaps have some from of friendship again. and yes I'm very worried about her at the moment and I'll make sure that the split goes as smooth as possible as hard is it will be. I do love my wife dearly. and hope that she finds herself again as quick as possible as before she turned to me to help her when she was down an fix her. this time I can't as much as I want to. I miss her texts calls little messages etc. in time I will accept what I've done. I will always hope for reconciliation. another chance whether I deserve it or not. couples have got through things like this I'm sure. then other couples haven't. I will always have hope.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 31/05/2014 17:16

2 questions.

Does your ex use Mumsnet?

Why do you think you have destroyed her? Your description of her makes her sound pretty self-assured.

PlantsAndFlowers · 31/05/2014 17:19

She wanted you to leave your wife after a fortnight Confused.

PacificDogwood · 31/05/2014 17:27

Can I ask why you posted here?
Are you looking for advice? Advice on what?

I don't really think that you nor your wife are 'destroyed' - you have damaged your marriage beyond repair by the sounds of it and you are both badly wounded by your actions. Your first priority should be towards your son IMO.

Bindibach · 31/05/2014 17:29

You said your wife asked you to move back into the marital bed but then you found out she was texting another man and now she has turned cold on you. I think that the reason she has now turned cold and wants out is because she herself is now having a sexual relationship with this other man. That is maybe why she has a change of heart and cant bear to look at you.

All you can now do, if this is the case, is keep your distance and see what happens with the relationship she is now in. Maybe this is her revenge relationship and it has made her feel good about herself again. She probably feels in love with the other man. So for now you just have to let her be and work on yourself and see what happens over the coming months. This new relationship may turn into something more or it may just blow over and then she may be ready to talk to you again.

Vivacia · 31/05/2014 17:36

She probably feels in love with the other man.

What's this got to do with anything? It may just be about sex. It may be that they are in love. So what?

LynetteScavo · 31/05/2014 17:48

Lost everything basically for a couple of shags! I deserve it all I know that but even people like me need support and guidance as at the moment I'm getting none.

What do you want - us to tell you how to get back with your wife?

I think your wife has tried to get back with you, but has had a better offer.

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