I cheated! ruined my life!

[danderson0581]

My names Dan and i cheated on my wife. We have been together over 8 years married almost 2 and have a 6 year old son.
3 months ago I entered into an affair. It lasted for 2 weeks. DW found out about it and since then my actions have not only devastated her but changed her enormously. After the affair came out I initially denied a lot of things in some vain attempt at self protection. I couldn't believe what I had done. I spent a few days on the sofa and then moved to the spare room. I could see every day the sadness and hurt she was going through and the guilt and remorse was bleeding through me. After a week in the spare room DW asked me to come back to the marital bed. We started cuddling again and were close again. Until I found out that she has started texting another man. I can understand why. I've crushed her. That was the moment I knew that she didn't want to try any more. And who could blame her. My paranoia and jealousy because of this other man has overcome me. I thought she wanted to try. As times gone on I found myself pushing for an answer if we were gonna officially give it another try. During this whole time there's been a lot of emotions from both me in particular. Then a fortnight ago which was about 2 months after the affair DW told me she doesn't love me any more and wants me out. I'm guilty of not giving her space to digest what's happend and constantly trying to show how sorry I am hoping she would believe my sorrow. All that did was push what little chance there was away. I moved out of the family home last Monday. I stay here on the weekends as it stands until I get my own place. I have destroyed our life. We were very happy had normal issues but nothing that warranted cheating. I can't look at my son as I've ripped his mummy and daddy apart. I breakdown 5-6 times a day as the guilt shame and sorrow over comes me. I don't know why I had the affair I had been faithful for 8 years and never even thought about cheating. Life was fantastic. Amazing. I had a wife that loved me dearly and I've obliterated it and her. Now from initially being ok with me and still getting on she can not even look at me it's like she's only just found out again but worse. I know I've made my bed and have to lie in it but the reason I'm on here is because I don't have anyone. My wife has a great family who will support her what ever she does fantastic friends and now the destraction of another man telling her how amazing and sexy she is etc. I miss my wife so much it hurts. I am truly regretful remorseful abd ashamed of my actions of the lead up and during the affair. I got shown some attention by someone and i wrongly acted on it and for some reason didn't get out of it. I would give anything for another chance at this but its too late. She's made her decision. She wants devorce. She's gone from loving me to not loving me in 2 weeks. I've done too much to her and its irreparable. The woman I love dearly and cherish I have destroyed and now I'm very worried about her she is not herself now at all. I hope that one day whenever that may be we get another chance at this. I f'ed up big time. I've destroyed a family. I've lost my family unit. And her family that treated me as on of theirs I've s##t on them too. She seems to be handling this very well no emotion short sharp answers. Someone I was close to for 8 years and now she doesn't even want me speaking to her. I know I'm gonna get so much abuse on here but the shame and regret I feel is undescribable. I now have nothing, not a penny to my name and sleeping in my mates kids room. I miss my family and my wife so much. She seems to be moving on now. I am struggling. Struggling to come to terms with what I did and why I did it. Lost everything basically for a couple of shags! I deserve it all I know that but even people like me need support and guidance as at the moment I'm getting none. I miss my wife dearly!

Dan

Weakandvocal I can see that I've hit a nerve!! Your attitude that most long term marriages should expect infidelity in them is what BEMUSES me.

Vivacia

OP was questioning why things have changed when initially she seemed to have wanted to try again then went cold. So it actually does have something to do with something really.

I say destroyed because that's what my wife has said I've done to her repeatedly. I'm not aware if she uses mumsnet I know she did when our son was born. She's not the type of person to sleep about never has been. I can understand that the other lad is making her smile and feel good about herself. sounds rich but I'm just worried that this guy is using her vulnerability to get what he wants. what she does and who with is non of my business now as much as it's killing me inside.

How do you know she is not in a relationship and having sex with him? You said she isn't herself at the present time. Of course she isn't. Her entire life has been turned upside down. She didn't think you were the type to "sleep around" either but you did.

Your role as her protector vanished the moment you hooked up with the bunny boiler.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I am one of those women who wouldn't tolerate being cheated on. You sound insecure that he's rich, your wife probably felt insecure when she found out she wasn't enough for you.
Focus on your son and learn that when you have a lot to lose. DO NOT GAMBLE.

I don't know tbh. I don't want to distract the attention from what I've done btw. I don't think anything has happened yet. will it I don't know. she's on her own at night and she wouldn't bring a lad back to the house in respect of our son. she's not been out anywhere apart from with her friends. but got nothing to do with me if it does has it. it's my fault that I've pushed her to do that. although she has repeatedly told me I've destroyed her and her confidence. her own words were "I struggled to get naked in front of you and that was after 8 years so how on earth will I feel comfortable being naked with anyone else"

Bindi you said that perhaps she thinks she's in love with him. I thought this was a strange turn of phrase, as if she might not know her own mind.

It's killing you to imagine her having sex with another man. I can see that. It's like you are hoping she doesn't have the confidence to strip naked in front of another man. That's selfish on your part.
You did it and now she may be having a grand old time.
You are seeing the consequences of your actions and torturing yourself.
Be honest with yourself you probably wouldn't have stopped your affair, if you hadn't been rumbled so quickly. I hope you used protection.

You both need to be apart and see where that takes you.

She's hurt.
You're hurt - even if it is by your own actions.

You both need to heal and have the space to think long and hard about what you want the rest of your lives to be like.

I really think you need to stop ruminating, accept the new reality you live, leave her space to do whatever she needs to do and find a way to be a good father to your son.

Thank you for explaining OP and answering my question. It sounds as though you are both hurting so much in your separate ways.

I think can see why you had an affair btw.... I think you see women as a means to access facets of yourself rather than whole people in their own right. When you were with your exW, who you paint as some kind of vulnerable, homely, too-shy-to undress creature, you can be 'manly protector' looking after her all the time. When you were with OW who you paint as being a hot bit of stuff, you were flattered you into thinking you were 'sexy stud' on the strength of the offer of an open goal. Hence why you thought the two versions would never collide. You read the OW's persona so badly wrong it's almost laughable and your exW is clearly not the helpless thing you fondly imagine.

Heres the thing Dan

You don't get to be in the loop anymore. lots of things are possible

1. your wife needs a friend to make her feel good about herself when you have destroyed her self image and worth
2. she's having a bit of a causal fling to make her feel better
3. Your projecting what you did onto her, you had an affair so she must be sleeping this thus guy already.
4. etc. etc. etc.

Look you do seem upset and for that I feel for you. BUT what are you really upset about that your life has been ruined OR that her's has? Because they are two separate things!

She is NOT her old self and NEVER will be again. Because you change when your partner has an affair, you lose the trusting nature etc. etc. But Dan YOU are not the same either, you are NOT the same man and never will be because you had an affair.

Now you have a choose, do you become a BETTER man or NOT?

Counselling will help you work out why, but then you need to deal with that. If you need help then consider visiting your GP.

You need to arrange an STI test and encourage your wife to do the same. Because you owe her that.

From there you on need to move on,

You will have to learn to co parent with someone that probably effectively hates your guts right now and is distraught every time she sees you, and each time she sees you feels like a kick to the stomach.

You will need to find somewhere to call home, make previsions for over night visits for your DC etc.

You will need to deal with Maintence payments etc.

I am sorry you are going through this, I am also sorry for your wife.

Regret? Yeah, you regret getting caught!
You didn't come clean you were found out and all this self pity would be slightly less nauseating if you had admitted what happened to your wife instead if her finding out when your OW went psycho

for a moment I was weak

Well, let's be honest, there are a heck of a lot of 'moments' in two weeks.

Every single one of them was a lie.

Every moment that you lived with this secret you chose not to tell her.

You are still trying to minimise responsibility.

Even if he did use condoms, he could still have diseases. He needs to get STI tests and show his ex the results, for her own safety and health.

This reads like a novel
"marital bed"?

No sympathy ,lie in your bed and live with the consequences . You have probably left your wife emotionally scarred forever .

Good old Facebook!

I imagine the messages between the two of you became very intimate before you met up. The OW obviously became emotionally more attached because of this, so easy to say things you wouldn't normally via a message isn't it.

Dp did EXACTLY the same!

I wasn't quite myself, no! In fact I didn't shed a tear for a few months, I couldn't cry I was so angry and I had to keep my emotions under wraps because of my then 5 year old. Adrenaline kicks in you see when someone you love obliterates everything you have known. It's one of the most crushing things you can experience, especially when you don't expect it.

I imagine your DW is going through endless emotions, countless times a day. One minute she will hate you, she'll miss you, she'll despise you etc etc She'll wonder who the person she thought she married and loved is, she will doubt everything you now tell her.

You have to dig deep and ask yourself why you gave yourself permission to do this. Why were you so self centred and weak?

FWIW two years on I'm together with dp. He moved mountains to save us. He has changed completely and he isn't the selfish fool he was during his 'midlife crisis'. I'm a very strong woman and I would hand been one of the first to say I'd never stay with someone who cheated but I'm here as proof that sometimes just sometimes it can work.

I don't know what the future holds for you. You have your son, you need to be there for him. As for you wife, well whatever she decides you have to accept that you royally screwed up and I imagine you will never tread this path again.

Cogito is speaking sense as per usual. Your view of women is totally messed up.

Good for your wife. I hope she finds happiness.

I also find the two week story a bit much. It's pathetic that you lapped up this attention from ow. Your wife has probably had lots and lots of attention over the years and isn't the helpless needy person you imagine. I think it's clear that out of the two of you it is you that is emotionally weak. The ow of course knew this too. A better man wouldn't have wanted or needed ego treats from ow .

When you say your wife says you've 'destroyed her repeatedly', what is she referring to? Just the affair?

20 miles ???

Here's the thing. THe relationship you had with your wife ended when you fell for another woman and did something behind her back. Accept that. Move on. If, and it's a big if, there is any chance for you to get back together, you have to start again from scratch. Don't assume you can take it as read that things remain the same.

Two years on from H's affair and we are still together. Things are OK, often better than that. But.... I am far more challenging of the status quo, far more analytical. I don't accept complacency from him or from me. It's a new relationship. And this time there are no second chances. You have to beleive there is a new reality, it isn't easy, it isn't always 'nice' but it's interesting and exciting. Your OW was the new, your wife was the old - that may not be that case from now on. Assuming she gives you the chance to find out.

Complacency is a killer,

Iran, we're about the same in terms of timescale. I'm just over two years on.

I agree with everything you've stated.

It can work but it's different. In a way it's better.

And it's the same here. Dp knows that there will be NO second chances.

If dp hadn't moved mountains to put right everything he had destroyed we wouldn't still be together.

I've just not accepted my own actions and my own reasons. one thing for sure is that it will change me. I hope in time myself and DW can perhaps have some from of friendship again.

Sometimes I do not get MN. Ok, here goes. Your thread reminds me of another post with another lady's and I recall I cried buckets over that. Which means to me that, it is actually quite emotively strong. It is almost like baiting for me to respond. I do feel sorry for you, there is no doubt about that.

But the above, is not something that I can help you with. Because everybody has an internal gut instinct which they need to retune when a situation like this occurs. You owe it to yourself and your DS to mature from this point onwards. We cannot help you find this reason. For myself, I have never done this in my love life with the risk to family and home, but I have done the stupidest thing of having a rebound relationship as it was in my 20s. This broke me in many ways that I can never have known.

I hope for your sake that your bad action does not send your wife to go spiralling into rejection validation relationships, as I know that is your fear also. Which is what normally kicks off this stupid sexual FWB, and bad habits which so many people deny of themselves. To me, this is indeed bad karma. Most people does not realise that peace, security and joy is not easy to come by. That is how love could grow.

The fact that you posted on here, and baited heavy emotional response is almost asking for trouble. I would definitely encourage you to find the answers for the reasons so that you gain personal peace first, even before you try to help your wife. Cos a situation like this offsets both of you, and you are not likely to be the best person to help her right now either. She also need to find her peace and centre herself again, without you being there often to trigger her anxiety. Or learn to build up her own hatred, and therefore ruin her own life too by falling into a bad habit from this point onwards and be cynical.

And for the OW, she was possibly also another one of these people who also ended up in those kind of sexual politic games, and she is also a hurt woman too. That is why she put pressure on you because she is edgy. Maybe you do not see these kind of things, but take it for what it is. Sex indeed is not "love".