Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Restoring any sense of dignity/self-worth after affair (as an OW)

79 replies

heartshaped · 28/05/2014 17:48

Despite his promises, I was dumped by the MM (previous thread) who went back to his wife. I thought I was at an all time low then but in the aftermath, i've stooped to new levels. I did the whole 'don't contact me ever again' spiel only to go back on it the minute he messaged me. Since then he has sent me vague messages about how he's getting on, and each time I reply with a heartfelt deluge of feelings. It's got to the point now where he asks me to meet him and i'm there in a shot, just for him to moan on about work while inside I am in pieces about what happened. I know the script is that this will result in a 'shag' or whatever but that is not what he wants, he says things are 'ok' at home. I am the one now chasing for more. I have asked him to meet in the evening but he said no because of his family.

I want to go no contact but my heart isn't in it, though I feel so angry with myself. Even if I told him no contact now he wouldn't believe me - I said this last time we met and he said he knew 'we' couldn't keep that up, almost laughing.

I know the damage is done. Can I get any dignity back out of this situation? What is wrong with me?? The old pre-affair me would be furious with myself and I would be disgusted with any of my friends for behaving this way.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/05/2014 17:51

have you got anyone in RL you can confide in?

You know this cant go anywhere.

octopush1 · 28/05/2014 17:52

Don't be too hard on yourself! You obviously seriously like the guy and we humans have been doing loopy stuff for love since the dawn of time.

But...is it really going nowhere? Looks like it's not going to. I would try and break off contact again so that you can move on. Because I think he has.

VanderElsken · 28/05/2014 17:54

Block block block do it now and do it properly. You know you have to.

eltsihT · 28/05/2014 17:56

You do need to go no contact with him.

You need to cut him out of your life, it's very difficult but you will not be able to move on until you stop going to him. He was using you and will carry on using you.

I only got over being the other woman when I met my now dh but it got very messy in between and I don't like to think of how messed up my head was between.

neiljames77 · 28/05/2014 17:58

I did say in the other thread that you wouldn't be able to help yourself if he contacted you. If possible, you need to get away for a while and just leave your phone at home or something.
I can't see what his motivation is for contacting you. It certainly isn't his sense of decency.

QueenQueenie · 28/05/2014 17:59

Do be hard on yourself. Don't give the lying scumbag any more of your time and attention. Perhaps exercise some self control next time instead of getting involved with someone who is unavailable.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 18:00

You possess something that we all have

Free will

use it

oikopolis · 28/05/2014 18:06

OP I am so sorry you are in such pain.

Please go to baggagereclaim.co.uk and have a read. She even has a special section about going no-contact. Read the comments too, you'll feel so much less alone.

Much love to you. I hope you feel better soon.

Jan45 · 28/05/2014 18:06

Sorry OP but bad choices lead to consequences, this is usually how an affair ends, the man NEVER leaves the wife.

Work on your self esteem as it must be rock bottom to even get involved with a man that was not available and was only able to throw scraps your way......surely you know you are worth a lot more than this, you should also think about the poor woman who is blind to it all, or perhaps she isn't.....

All I can say is go NC, or expect more hurt.

grumpasaur · 28/05/2014 18:18

I was in a similar situation once- not the OW but in a bad relationship with a man who treated me horribly, but who I ran back to whenever he snapped his fingers.

It was tough, but once I finally decided no contact, I told everyone that I lost my phone and changed my number (except my close friends who knew the real reason!). I blocked his emails.

I genuinely don't know if he still tries to contact me. I'd assume not by now. Tell him what you are doing, tell him to respect your decision- but take the control yourself and just do it. Won't make any difference if he does try to contact you, as YOU won't know.

I cannot put into the words the freedom and relief I felt when I finally did this!!!

cantbelievethisishppening · 28/05/2014 18:24

You choose to keep responding to his messages. You choose to keep chasing. No one is working you by remote control. I don't think you are serious about restoring a sense of self worth. You are feeling sorry for yourself because you have been left dangling while he carries on as normal with his wife. If he had ditched his wife for you you would not be on here bleating about self worth and dignity even though you would be without either. Stop being a passenger and deal with it or carry on feeling crap and putting up with whatever scraps he throws your way. No one here can help you. Only YOU can help yourself out of this mess.

grumpasaur · 28/05/2014 18:27

Bit rude, cantbelieve...

I think being the OW is like being in an abusive relationship. You are chosen because you are vulnerable and have low self esteem, and you get caught up in the awful cycle of abuse because their behaviour (and your acceptance of it) makes that worse and worse until you don't know who you are anymore...

cantbelievethisishppening · 28/05/2014 18:30

grum. You are entitled to your opinion. I am responding to how I see her situation. Others will respond differently based on how THEY see her situation. I don't have the time or the inclination to sugar coat it.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 18:33

OP is back for more outraged vitriol to be heaped on her head

It's a form of masochism, like her doomed affair with a married man

It's really sad to see, because she doesn't really want to be helped and will not take any well-intentioned advice. We are all wasting our breath.

cantbelievethisishppening · 28/05/2014 18:33

no contact

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/05/2014 18:33

What an awful guy. Stringing both you and his wife along for the sake of his pathetic ego. You have a choice! This will never be good for you.

expatinscotland · 28/05/2014 18:35

Get a life.

Fairenuff · 28/05/2014 18:39

OP I know you are here because you just want to talk about him.

Look how low this sorry affair has brought you.

There is a whole world out there. People are busy living full lives, working, socialising, laughing, learning, growing. You don't need to live in this shallow shell of yourself.

No contact.

It's. No. Contact.

That's all you have to do. Stop it and start living.

Original poster
heartshaped · 28/05/2014 18:40

Thanks everyone and grum that is exactly how I feel.

AF I'm not using MN as a form a masochism, but I'm sure that's how it looks. I just want to see sense - I can't see straight anymore, i'm losing it. I do want to be helped. No breath wasted here on me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 18:44

You are sabotaging yourself. How long have you been doing it now ? How do you think we can help you ? You can't talk about this in RL, I guess. Well you are in RL and it's time to take control of it. Bleating here about how hard it is (repeatedly) doesn't cut it, I am afraid. It's not impossible, you just don't want to move on. Don't say you do, because if you did you would have done it after all this time and all this shit you have eaten.

I probably sound harsh. But I promote women's agency. You have it. You simply choose not to exercise it.

Bluelining · 28/05/2014 19:23

Dignity and self-worth are strong words from a woman who knowingly shagged a married man. What did you expect?

Chaseface · 28/05/2014 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winkywinkola · 28/05/2014 20:04

Why do you have to announce no contact to him anyway?

Just delete, block, change number and disappear from view.

Mope around for weeks or months feeling sorry for yourself.

After that even you will be bored of the same old story and will want to actively seek to move on.

Perhaps to a single guy. Perhaps to a really good therapist.

steelchic · 28/05/2014 20:13

Sorry to be harsh, if you really want to get over him go no contact. End off Also think of his poor wife. I know things are not always black and white in relationship but how did you think this was going to end ? He is a liar and a cheat you may have got a lucky escape here, think of his wife she has got the twat to herself now.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 20:17

I don't think imploring op to "think of the wife" is going to have any impact at all here