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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Restoring any sense of dignity/self-worth after affair (as an OW)

79 replies

heartshaped · 28/05/2014 17:48

Despite his promises, I was dumped by the MM (previous thread) who went back to his wife. I thought I was at an all time low then but in the aftermath, i've stooped to new levels. I did the whole 'don't contact me ever again' spiel only to go back on it the minute he messaged me. Since then he has sent me vague messages about how he's getting on, and each time I reply with a heartfelt deluge of feelings. It's got to the point now where he asks me to meet him and i'm there in a shot, just for him to moan on about work while inside I am in pieces about what happened. I know the script is that this will result in a 'shag' or whatever but that is not what he wants, he says things are 'ok' at home. I am the one now chasing for more. I have asked him to meet in the evening but he said no because of his family.

I want to go no contact but my heart isn't in it, though I feel so angry with myself. Even if I told him no contact now he wouldn't believe me - I said this last time we met and he said he knew 'we' couldn't keep that up, almost laughing.

I know the damage is done. Can I get any dignity back out of this situation? What is wrong with me?? The old pre-affair me would be furious with myself and I would be disgusted with any of my friends for behaving this way.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2014 10:43

Heartshaped... Please stop seeing him as any kind of 'prize'. I worry when posters write that the errant husband 'loves his wife' that they are then entering some kind of contest. You aren't in one, honestly you're not. There is no competition between wife and OW; just a scenario of a woman who is less free than you are to rid herself of this feckless man. Try to see that as the positive (for you) that it is.

Yes, he's with his wife. He may love her but then again, if he did, he wouldn't have been having an affair, would he? So he's very likely taking the easy option, preserving his homelife and not wanting it disrupted. Does that paint him in a different light? It should.

I know you will hate reading these response but, even the harshest ones are from posters willing you to do the right thing and make a conscious and permanent decision for no contact with this man. At the point you do that, you're free.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2014 10:44

I meant 'challenging', not 'entering'.

SquallyShowers · 29/05/2014 10:48

The ONLY way you will get through this is by cutting him OUT.

In six months time (maybe less) you will have perspective. You cannot get perspective while you are still engaged in this high drama. You need to give yourself the time and space away from him to feel all the emotions inside - hurt, betrayal, shame, anger, guilt, whatever - and have a breakdown if you need to ....but eventually (and ONLY if you go NC), your mind and emotions WILL settle down and you will see this whole affair very, very differently. I promise you that.

The addictive emotional rollercoaster of affairs messes with your natural, normal emotional responses. It truly is like a drug. Get the drug well and truly out of your system and you will be calmer, more rational and will very likely see him for the selfish prick he really is.

SquallyShowers · 29/05/2014 10:51

I also think the 'he loves/has picked his wife over you' argument is the wrong way of looking at things. His marriage is very likely in tatters. Lets hope he is putting in the work to rebuild it and not just putting a plaster on what must be a huge hole in his relationship.

You could have a hugely lucky escape if you act now.

sensitivesituation2 · 29/05/2014 10:56

The addictive emotional rollercoaster of affairs messes with your natural, normal emotional responses. It truly is like a drug. Get the drug well and truly out of your system and you will be calmer, more rational and will very likely see him for the selfish prick he really is.

I agree with this 110%.

Fairenuff · 29/05/2014 12:24

The thing is, he will be ok.

If you go no contact, if his wife throws him out because she can't take his pathetic lies anymore, he will be fine. He will move on to another woman. He will continue like this as long as someone is prepared to accept his behaviour. And, unfortunately, there is always someone who will.

You won't be fine OP. You will forever be his 'fall back'. Someone to go to when no-one else is available. Somewhere to stay when another woman has kicked him out. Someone to sleep with without having to bother listening to or making any kind of emotional connection with.

And that will go on for as long as you want it to. It could be years and years. You could grow old, still waiting for him to deign to see you, the odd call or text.

He won't stop, he has no need. He will continue to cheat and lie and try his luck.

Luckily for you, you are not 'the one' for him. You have a chance to get out.

Whether you end it with him or not will make no difference to him or his wife and family. If you do, he will move on to someone else.

Whether you end it or not makes no difference to us here, giving you advice. Carry on if you want.

The only person it makes a difference to is you. So, you choose.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2014 12:48

Agree with Fairenuff.

Ending this insubstantial and unsatisfactory contact will assist in your healing but will cause pain.
and
Continuing to pursue this insubstantial and unsatisfactory man will damage your self-esteem even further and cause pain.

Pick your pain.

normalishdude · 29/05/2014 13:21

Don't speak to him anymore and learn that having sex with other people's spouses isn't the way to go. Good luck!

Itsfab · 29/05/2014 13:28

I feel so sorry for you, OP if you are the poster mentioned above. You are going to end up completely messed up if you do not cut this man out of your life forever. When you wise up will it be worth it when you are alone and without children because you spent your "best" years mooning over this horrible man?

I know it is shit to love someone who doesn't love you back but you have to stop telling yourself you can't help it and it is loves young dream because it really isn't

Norest · 29/05/2014 15:25

The hardest bit of no contact is the first few days / weeks or so. Not that I've been an OW but I did have to go NC with an abusive ex. It was really hard to begin with but I worked it by going 100% afk..so no social networking, not on any of the sites we both used, for two months as a 'cold turkey' thing. I changed my email addy to forward any emails to the trash and luckily he did not try to phone me.

After 3-4 weeks or so it got easier, though it wasn't easy. It is the only way to do it. Check out Baggage Reclaim that someone linked, it's a decent enough site with some good articles. And use the time to make a project..the project being yourself and starting to work on your self-esteem.

Find something, anything,...exercise, meditation, writing, reading, going out..whatever you like to do and something which will be healthy for you and use the energy there to work on you and to try and feel better about yourself. I also used sleep hypnosis stuff for self-esteem every night..you can easily find videos on youtube with a quick search. You might not think they work but it made a big difference to me.

The only way out is to make the choice and then work each day on you and your future, because you have nothing but a painful future ahead of you with this man. You can create a better future for yourself, you just have to start. Good luck.

Norest · 29/05/2014 15:28

Oh also it's amazing what you can achieve and how much positive stuff you can do for yourself once you are not spending all your energy obsessing over someone. And you can break the obsessive thinking, especially learning stuff like mindfulness is a massive help with this.

You need to start to learn to care for yourself, small steps. When you achieve that you will feel your self-worth and dignity returning, something for YOU and nothing at all to do with him.

Norest · 29/05/2014 15:46

Sorry and I'm back for a third post..Confused

On the masochism thing. You might not consider yourself a masochist emotionally speaking because you are not 'enjoying' this emotional shitfest. However it is possible to be addicted to drama and emotionally masochistic type relationships where you suffer a lot but seem unable to get yourself out of it.

People usually get like this because this is how they are used to interpersonal relationships being and they don't know how else to be. They also attract people to them who love the drama and will play it out with them..like this MM who clearly is more than happy to fuck with his wife and you (and god knows who else) whilst moaning about how awful it all is. Essentially you are both feeding into each others compulsion for dramatics and damaging interactions, not necessarily because you planned it that way, but because you haven't got to the root of why you choose to be around people like this and why you don't feel attracted to a stable, solid and healthy relationship.

I would bet my current bank balance you have issues with being bored and needing excitement and adrenalin in your life. Maybe you have had stress-fuelled childhood.

Anyway whatever it is it is possible to break out of the cycle but you have to be really honest with yourself and understand you are making a choice to continue having damaging interactions and the only way that will change is when you look at yourself and decide you want to find your self-worth. You can't magic it up out of nowhere, you have to work for it. Small things every day, and most importantly setting the intention that you will work for it.

Because if you don't then when eventually this does end completely, either by him cutting you out or you finding someone else..the same sort of thing will happen again. Your problems won't end just by him going. They will only be sorted when you make the decision to change and to start to learn how to give a shit about yourself.

I do feel for you because I think that often people don't understand that this sort of damaging behaviour is learned behaviour and really tough to break out of. But you have to start really focusing on yourself and learning to understand yourself and how to care for yourself. Or you will remain stuck.

I know this might be a lot to take in, but I have been in similar places myself, making bad choices and getting hurt, over and over again, and feeling shit about myself for not being able to break out of it. I know how hard it sucks. I also doubt you get much enjoyment out of it, but you do get something out of it and a compulsion to have drama is not necessarily about being a stereotypical 'drama queen' and often about shitty boundaries, low self-esteem and compulsive / addictive behaviour.

I am going to link a poem which I almost never do on places like here because it sums this whole concept of making the choice up perfectly. Having gone from similar to where you are at present to now being a happy woman who values herself and makes choices based on her own wellbeing first and foremost, (which then did lead me into a loving healthy relationship) I can tell you it takes work, balls and a lot of long hard honest looks in the mirror.

It is 100% worth it though and can be done. You can do it.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

  • Mary Oliver
ladyblablah · 29/05/2014 20:09

Get yourself on tinder
Post as "looking for nothing serious"
Get the drama you require with a single dude. It's just common to be drama-ing around married men. Terribly uncouth and no one will want to be your friend.

randomfemale · 30/05/2014 00:15

Norest a very insightful post - touched a chord in me Thanks

MotleyCroup · 30/05/2014 00:43

Let's not be comparing the OW with women who've been abused. This is certainly not the case with the OP!

In my experience the OW knew EXACTLY what she was getting into, she certainly wasn't a victim!

OP you can make a choice to go no contact just do it!

springydaffs · 30/05/2014 01:37

ok, if you see him again you may as well charge him, at least that would reflect the reality of the situation. He's like that guy who fiddled the trains by travelling free for five years - he was a wealthy guy and the MM is wealthy in that he has a marriage but wants something free on the side. No wonder he laughs, he's getting it all for nothing.

I get being debased in a relationship, and I hope it isn't too long before the spell breaks for good. xx

Springheeled · 30/05/2014 08:33

motley I don't get why the concept of an abusive relationship can't apply to an affair? It could be argued that the man in this case is emotionally abusive to both women. Going into something with eyes open doesn't mean that there is not the hope or belief that it's something real.
Abuse or not, the guy in this case is weak and unkind (and most certainly does not love either his wife or the OP) so hard as it is, it's your job, heartshaped to be strong and look after yourself.
The fact he's spending all his time with you whining about his job tells me he's a bore too. Boring, untrustworthy, weak, unkind... Surely heartshaped these aren't the ideal attributes in a man?

MotleyCroup · 30/05/2014 09:10

It doesn't apply in this case, Springheeled.

I'm sick of hearing about OW bleating on once they haven't 'won their prize'. It then gets turned around and they're painted as the victim. It doesn't wash with me, not in this case at least and not in my experience.

Yes let's not forget the husband in all of this but please let's not sugarcoat the part the OW had to play! They're BOTH at fault.

Not all OW are insecure victims.

SquallyShowers · 30/05/2014 09:32

I absolutely think you can draw parallels between affairs and abusive relationships in many cases.

No, it isnt always the black-and-white 'horrible predatory guy preys on vulnerable woman' abuse scenario, but what the OW often ends up doing (and is clearly doing here) is get herself caught in a horrible cycle of self destruct, which the MM cheerfully enables. Not to mention the damage done to the MM's wife.

andanother1 · 30/05/2014 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlCapone · 30/05/2014 09:53

the guy in this case is weak and unkind

As is the OP.

She won't be back until she needs another whine on MN. Again.

MotleyCroup · 30/05/2014 09:57

Agree with everything you say, andanother1.

In my experience and many others on this site, the OW entered into an affair with a sneer and a smirk and a middle finger salute to the poor wifey at home. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing.

I only hope she didn't use this site once it all went tits up bleating on about 'poor me'...

andanother1 · 30/05/2014 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquallyShowers · 30/05/2014 10:04

If only life were so simple, eh?

In reality, people start affairs because they are: selfish, thoughtless, needy, insecure, damaged, bored, horny, screwed up, emotionally immature...all sorts of unpleasant and not entirely rational reasons. Yet people are very rarely cartoon characters - 'predatory MM' 'selfish bitch OW' 'hard done by wife'.

As these situations escalate, they very often (as the OP is finding out) turn into a nightmare that nobody anticipated. I dont think anyone would really enter an affair if they knew they would end up with this bullshit scenario.

I feel sorry for everyone involved. Pity, not sympathy. What a mess. Nevertheless, I reserve most judgement for the MM, who was married and committed. I would have more respect for him of he cut the OP loose, but as it stands he is happy to continue lying to his wife and stringing this (obviously deeply screwed up) OW in this horrible cycle. If thats not abusive, I dont know what is.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2014 10:09

I agree 100% Sqaully. I really do.

No matter what intentions the OP entered this affair with she. along with his DW, have been left holding the shitty end of the stick.

I'm not sticking up for OWs. Far from it. I've neem on the receiving end of a cheating ex very recently. And my feelings for OWs are, shall we say, stromg. But I am trying to extend a bit of kindness to a person who is clearly in pain.