Restoring any sense of dignity/self-worth after affair (as an OW)

[heartshaped]

Despite his promises, I was dumped by the MM (previous thread) who went back to his wife. I thought I was at an all time low then but in the aftermath, i've stooped to new levels. I did the whole 'don't contact me ever again' spiel only to go back on it the minute he messaged me. Since then he has sent me vague messages about how he's getting on, and each time I reply with a heartfelt deluge of feelings. It's got to the point now where he asks me to meet him and i'm there in a shot, just for him to moan on about work while inside I am in pieces about what happened. I know the script is that this will result in a 'shag' or whatever but that is not what he wants, he says things are 'ok' at home. I am the one now chasing for more. I have asked him to meet in the evening but he said no because of his family.

I want to go no contact but my heart isn't in it, though I feel so angry with myself. Even if I told him no contact now he wouldn't believe me - I said this last time we met and he said he knew 'we' couldn't keep that up, almost laughing.

I know the damage is done. Can I get any dignity back out of this situation? What is wrong with me?? The old pre-affair me would be furious with myself and I would be disgusted with any of my friends for behaving this way.

Been there, done that, got the teeshirt. The only way I managed to break free was by never speaking to him again- I had to behave as though he was dead. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and even five years later when I saw him on the street I had a major freak out and was actually physically sick. But many years on from that I'm fine now and married to a lovely man in a perfectly normal relationship. Non contact is the only way. You do know that deep down, I know you do. It just feels impossible right now. It's not.

I don't think anything anyone says will have an impact AnyFucker. OP seems to wallow in self pity, maybe she just loves the attention and sympathy that some are giving her

This is true, steel

Hey Heartshaped. You won't recover any of those things, or start to heal and repair yourself until you stop. OM has stopped; you just haven't caught up with that and it's put you on the back-foot because he's the one who has rejected you - again.

You know what you have to do and there's really nothing there for you. The path you are currently on is one that will lead to the OM getting nasty with you as you are not taking hints, nor accepting straight out rejection - nor listening to anybody who isn't telling you what you think will be a salve to you right now.

At what point will you tell yourself it's enough now? It really is and, whether it's comfortable for you or not, whether you're now finally angry with OM or not - it's over. It really is over. Keep going and not only will you have this man treating you with impatience and contempt (because what you're now doing is contemptible as he's asked you to back off), it will set you back much farther.

Sticking plaster and superglue... get a grip of it and pull. I promise you that it won't hurt as much as this situation is hurting you now.

Every time you contact him you might as well cut yourself. It is self inflicted pain and you could stop it if you wanted too. You are doing this to yourself and only you can stop it. If you keep doing the same stuff you will get the same response.

New sim, get rid of all his contact details. Stop acting like you can't help yourself and move on.

I've never been cheated on, but even I don't buy the "OW are abused victims" thing.

Victims of an abuse begin the relationship expecting it to be be a happy, normal, loving relationship. They are slowly worn down by the abuser until they don't believe they are worth any better.

OW go into a relationship knowing that the man is a lying, selfish cheat. They know there is a woman out there whose life they are ruining. The MM may be an abuser, but the OW has made the choice to begin a relationship that they know is wrong. It is not the same situation at all.

Heartshaped, you know what you need to do - do it.

Well said Alphabook ! I have been cheated on so I know how I'd have felt if the OW was bleating on about how she was the poor victim. OW or OM know what they are getting in to. The only people that deserve any sympathy and support are the wife or husband and any children that get caught up in the mess. OP has made her bed so let her lye in it. Maybe she will think twice about getting in to a relationship with a MM

I think some people have reasons for getting involved with only married people.

It's not something they necessarily want to learn from. It serves a purpose for them.

I can barely speak to a friend of mine at the moment after she said to me that she had "told him to be nice to his wife" because he normally just ignores her.

Ffs.

No sympathy here, you're in a shit place, its of your own making and the way out of it is in your own hands too.

Assuming you're not a 14 year old girl, stop acting like one.

What can anyone tell you that they haven't said on any of your other threads?

You are chasing a married man who has dumped you for his wife.

You won't get any dignity or self respect with your actions.

There is only one person who can stop this. You.

OP I am absolutely dying of shame on your behalf. I've been there as an OW. I've done what you're doing. It it is without doubt the lowest period of my entire life. Not going to type more as I don't think anything people say will influence you. But I PROMISE you will look back at this with a shameful eye one day.

Not unsympathetic though x

I'm not into berating the OW on here even though as a wife, I know the pain an affair can cause. However, this thread is the same as your other thread, you had lots of valuable advice on there (along with flaming) but you are still showing no remorse or the slightest wish to change your actions and if MM wanted you as his bit on the side again, you would jump at the chance.

Get some dignity, be on your own or find someone who isn't married. He doesn't want you!

Take a look at the Chumplady website. Good stuff.

I really feel for you. Can't you go away for a bit? You must let it drop and greet yourself again with confidence. He isn't ever going to really let you go- just give you enough bullshit and flannel to keep you on the back burner forever. YOU have to drop it.
Bit of a sad suggestion, but try some inspiring poetry and wallowing (with your phone OFF) 'love after love' is a great poem. Or some Maya Angelou- phenomenal woman.
No contact is the only thing that will let it go. Grieve. Imagine he is dead. Get out and LIVE without him.

OP I saw your other thread and the advice given. You're here because you want to talk about him, express your feelings. Then talk about him a bit more. You're only going to get the same advice on this thread.

I suppose its a bit much that he's dumped you and is still playing you like a fiddle. Still..it would have been his wife feeling really rotten now if he'd left her and been all loved up and cosy with you. Seems a choice has been made - and its not you. The man doesn't even want to spend an evening with you. Maybe you're ok as a sounding board for life, work, whatever he wants to get off his chest. I guess you know, when you jump as soon as a man snaps his fingers its really unlikely you will maintain any appeal for him. Go no contact, or don't. Its up to you. Depends how much more time you want to waste feeling sorry for yourself when you knew the risks.

Maybe therapy would help, since you're furious with yourself. You could also try being furious with him, instead of being at his beck and call

This is the man who realised he was going to end the affair and came round for experimental bum sex for your last meeting leaving you feeling used?

Please see this man for what he is.
relationships are rarely black and white but all shades in between. This situation is as clear as they come - It's over, he made his choice. Stop contacting him.
Heal yourself, reflect and make healthier choices.

You need a distraction. Lot's of nights/days out. A hobby. Write a book. Yoga. Watch a box set. It sounds like you've made someone else's husband the centre of your world. That was never going to work out.

You need to get some strength up and (with the greatest respect) learn some self control.

I'm quite shocked someone likened an OW to an abused woman

surely the poor bugger at home who is systematically, lied to, betrayed, probably treat like shit and....oh yes having been violated by risks to their Sexual health without their knowledge,

Indeed OW ...you are the victim here (!)

However the fact you've made this post shows you want it to end in some capacity, just block his number!

Heartshaped. I agree with Cantbelieve and Lying. I was recently in the same situation as you. I received some very good advise from posters who have been in the same situation. At the time I thought there is no way I could really go nc, I wont delete his number as maybe he will try to contact me - he needs me. I did go nc (without deleting numbers), for a few months then I had a wobble and we met up again. I read back through the posts again then with a different perspective on the situation. He was using me, he knew how to get round me, he knew what to say to me to get a response. He wanted control of the situation and he had it. It hit me like a ton of bricks that day. I went ahead and deleted his number, I have had contact with him since, but only to say that I would not longer be in contact, he tried his charm again but I had made the decision. He just isn't worth it. But - you need to get something else to do, you need to be busy. THis helps a lot as you need to not have time to daydream and think stuff up about the situation. Posters can say all that want to you here today, yes its not a nice situation and we feel sorry for ourselves about it. Only YOU can make the decision to end this.

This may sound harsh and not sympathic at all. I know what you are going through, I really do. But you need to do something about it and get the shame behind you. This is what I feel now, embarrassed and pathetic. I see now what I didn't see then, and I don't even know what I saw in him to be honest. I was going through a bit of a bad patch and my self esteem was low. He saw that and played on it.

Heartshaped, I am 2 months in from this now, so not years and years back. Its still fresh, my memory isn't clouded from time.

If you want this to stop, you know what you need to do.

The thing is this OP has been messed around by this arsehole. To a terrible degree. I don't think castigating her now is going to help much TBH

Oh OP. What a mess you are in. But sensitive is right. You need to go NC. Your head knows that but your heart hasn't quite got to the point of letting him go.

You need to have that lightbulb moment. It hasn't happened for you yet. But it will

In the meantime though, you need to block his number (not just delete it), send his emails to a junk folder, block him on FB, do anything that you can to resist the temptation of contact.

It's a horrible feeling to want and love someone even though you know they are no good for you. I say this as I remember how I felt about my lying cheating ex (I was not an OW) and still do some days if truth be told. On those days I have to physically retsrain myself from contacting him.

Come on OP. Find those bootstraps (they are still there!) and pull yourself up, pull your shoulders back, put a face of makeup on and power through today. Then you are one day closer to truly moving on

Can I get any dignity back out of this situation?
NOPE!!!!

It's really really really really really really really simple!!
Stop f*cking contacting him.
Block and ignore!
Jeewiz!
It's like we are banging our heads against a brick wall.

Get some self respect.
Get some respect for the poor wife and children and leave them all alone to get on with their lives.
Then you go and get on with yours!
It's not rocket science.

What an prick he is, still having the balls to meet up with you even though he has managed to convince his wife to forgive him and to make their marriage work.

Just stop contact, it really is that simple and yes it will hurt like hell and yes it will be hard but just do it. He has made his choice, his wife and you will always be second best so just do it!!

Your dignity and self worth are over there >>>>>>> on the floor (next to your pants)

You reap what you sow. These things always, always end badly. He loves his wife, wants to make a go of it, has picked her and goes home to her each night. That is the way it has always been.

Your ending is going to hurt. You have to go through this to come out the other side. Staying in touch is only prolonging your agony.