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Original poster

Love my grown DSS to bits but REALLY disagree with this attitude

96 replies

stickybandit · 28/05/2014 08:45

In a nutshell, 2 years ago he was on/off with a girl a couple of years younger. He was 20 at the time and was (still is) working away.

She got pregnant. He bought teddies and got excited. Then she finished with him and got with someone else. Refused to do a DNA test and cut all contact. DSS has never seen baby.

Fast-forward 2 years. Her relationship has ended. Two days later, she contacted DSS and told him she's not after money but if he wants to start seeing baby, she would be happy to facilitate it.

His response was to block her number and say 'she wants me back and she's trying to ruin my relationship. I don't want to know'. I'm very uneasy with this, I've expressed how I feel (he should ask for DNA test now) but I can't go up against his mum who completely agrees with him. (He's now in a serious relationship with a different woman and they've just moved in together. His girlfriend also wants him to have nothing to do with the baby.)

I'm just wondering if I'm really on my own with this? I really HATE the 'she should have been on the pill anyway' attitude of people. It's a dual responsibility, even if it's inconvenient.

OP posts:
littlegreenlight1 · 28/05/2014 08:51

Totally agree - but there's nothing you can do.
I have seen how exactly this situation can affect the child involved. My friend's daughter's father's family wouldnt allow him to have anything to do with her. They were teenage parents. I only met the mum and daughter years later and though they grew up very close its been awful for her to live in the same town, see him now wheeling round his newborn proudly, know who her father is but not "know" him at all - they look identical too. She is nearly 16 now and quite frankly if he did come knocking one day, she would tell him to do one now.

Anyway, as above point, you cant do anything. She was in the wrong in the first place cutting contact, but its his call now. He's being a fool though!

Purpleroxy · 28/05/2014 08:53

Yes, fundamentally he needs to determine whether or not he has a child and go from there.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2014 08:57

I don't think you're on your own. It's not really the baby's fault that they've got a couple of selfish idiots for parents.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2014 08:59

So she got with someone else.
Refused to do a DNA test.
Completely blocked him from her and babies life.
Now her relationship is over it's all suddenly OK again?
I'd be very dubious about this to be honest.

I can totally see where you are coming from. But she did this. She shut him out and wouldn't let him see 'his' baby.

I think you need to leave him to it. You've told him how you feel but I can see his side too.

It's a bit of shock for him right now. Maybe he will come round.

Original poster
stickybandit · 28/05/2014 09:04

I can't help but express/feel/hope,even, that he will come to regret this at some point and it will eat him up, but my main concern is for baby. What a horrible legacy for a child to know it wasn't worth the bother for his dad. That's the situation I see in future, littlegreenlight

Exactly, Cog.

I know it's not a definite, but yes, Purpleroxy, the slightest possibility and IMO he should be pushing for a test.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/05/2014 09:10

I would be very upset about this too. I'm not sure what I would do, very difficult situation.

The mother made it tough for him to have anything to do with the baby but he could have taken her to court for access, she isn't able to exclude him unless he chooses to be excluded so I agree with the assessment that they are both selfish idiots but just now she seems to be relenting and he's maintaining his idiocy.

Very tough to watch and I doubt, despite best intentions, I'd be able to say nothing about this.

Original poster
stickybandit · 28/05/2014 09:15

I can't pretend to condone something I don't, but I don't want to cause trouble either (because ultimately, it won't change anything, I know that.)

My DP is unsure where he stands (so this is pretty much just me) but we've had words because he believes she should have been on the pill. Gah!

OP posts:
Meeeep · 28/05/2014 09:17

You are definitely not on your own. It sounds like they have both acted poorly. It might actually be worth telling you DSS that even though his ex has said she doesn't want money she could actually still pursue it (even if he isn't on the BC which I presume he's not). If she goes down this route he may have no choice but to take part in a DNA test.

Whilst I can see why the reluctance is there (although I do believe he should have fought for his rights as a Father 2 years ago) the fact of the matter is that he might have a child with this woman. Personally I couldn't live with not knowing.

You cannot force him to take responsibility but if he is in fact the childs Dad, the Mother can, even if that seems unfair to him.

What will he do if his relationship breaks down? Is he mainly saying no because his girlfriend doesn't want him involved? Between your DSS and his ex they both seem to be basing decisions for an innocent child on their relationship status. It's quite sad.

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 09:19

Sorry that should have said current relationship status.

AgathaF · 28/05/2014 09:24

I think that you've said your piece so should leave it to him now. It's sad for the child, and for the wider family too, but you will only alienate him if you push further on this.

Clearly he should find out if he is the baby's father, but if and when he does that is his decision. It might be pushed on to him quicker if she tries for maintenance from him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2014 09:25

I bet you're disappointed in your DP... who is presumably the grandfather? Sounds like the whole family are rejecting the baby - not just DSS and his DM - wholesale and you're in a minority of one. You must be seeing all of them in a new light.

weatherall · 28/05/2014 09:29

He should find out if the baby is his.

His actions have created responsibilities so IMO he has a duty to find out the truth and if so become the DCs father with everything that entails.

He shouldn't be taking out his unhappiness with his ex on his potential DC.

Chocotrekkie · 28/05/2014 09:31

Can I mention sexual health checks all round...

Original poster
stickybandit · 28/05/2014 09:32

I know you're right, Agatha.

Yes, Cog, I am. I'm scratching my head. If I was a potential grandparent, I'd do everything I could, even if I didn't like the situation. DP being so 'whatever' about things is something I can't get my head around.

OP posts:
Original poster
stickybandit · 28/05/2014 09:35

I did mention that too, Choco.

"He shouldn't be taking out his unhappiness with his ex on his potential DC." This, I think, is the bones of it, Weatherall. He seems to think it's about her wanting him back...I'm not sure I'd agree.

OP posts:
georgeousgeorge · 28/05/2014 09:49

He may of course strongly suspect that the baby isn't his and be acting accordingly.. I think the fact she ISN'T asking for child support is a big indicator... As soon as she does this the DNA test happens and no longer is anyone guessing whose baby it is.

gatofeliz · 28/05/2014 09:51

A very tricky one but i'd stay out of it.

I'm not sure how a man is supposed to switch on emotions and feel anything for a child he doesnt know and has absolutely no bond with and also what if he does grow to love this child and the ex meets a new bloke and decides your DSS is in the way again?

Will she kick him to the kerb like she did the first time around damaging the child even more. She put her own needs before those of her child when he/she was born, has she changed?

Would he be able to afford legal fees, contact centres if things turn sour in the future adding in the maintenance payments she will be entitled to if she ever claims even without the DNA test.

What a mess, no wonder he's blocked her. He just needs time to work through everything in his own head properly and in his situation so would i.

Just support him and hopefully he will come to the conclusion that his Dc is worth the risk and he'll go into it with his eyes wide open.

spaceal · 28/05/2014 09:58

It sounds like your DSS was likely to have been very hurt and sad about losing contact with the baby, even before he/she was born, he was excited and buying things after all. I imagine he might be extremely scared about all this, about contact possibly being withdrawn again if he builds a relationship, and about how he and his current girlfriend feel. It sounds like he might need a place to explore all of this really difficult stuff, and that that might be what you and his dad could offer now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2014 10:00

If he was worried about contact being withdrawn, he'd go the legal route, set up a contact schedule, offer to pay maintenance and do the thing properly.

pictish · 28/05/2014 10:02

Well given the 'who cares...it's her fault anyway' attitude of your dp, it's hardly surprising his son has a similar outlook. Both of them are focusing soley and conveniently on the ex gf as a way of absolving all responsibility.

I agree with you, but I don't see what you can do. They're lazy, emotionally stunted and lacking in moral fibre. You must feel so disappointed in them. In the end it's the child that suffers...but what do they care? Not a jot it seems.
I would struggle with this one too OP. x

NearTheWindymill · 28/05/2014 10:02

I'd be very disappointed in a son who got involved with the sort of 18 year old who got pregnant casually, dumped the father she identified for another man when she was pregnant, refused a DNA test, has ended the relationship with another man whom she so casually brought into the baby's life and now wants to resume contact.

You don't know if the baby is dss's at all; she has behaved disgracefully regardless of the who the father is and is barely a fit mother.

I think I'd ask myself this; if she has a DNA test and it is your dss's child are you and dp with dss prepared to see right by that child, for example, are you prepared to send an amount monthly for heating, lighting, food, trips, clothes school uniform until the child is 18 and perhaps help with univuersity costs, etc? If she has a DNA test and it isn't your dss's child, what will you all do then?

Sounds dreadful - poor baby - born into a Jeremy Kyle environment by the sound of it.

Ultimately this is your dss and you have no say in this matter - it is nothing to do with you. What does the dss's mother think? FWIW if anyone wants a say in what happens, are they prepared to commit to this baby for next 20 odd year and support it financially and emotionally regardless of the mother's behaviour; possibly becoming a legal guardian? Having opinions is all very well - taking positive action to back them up another thing altogether.

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 10:05

It is not the OP or her Husbands responsibility to pay CM. By all means if they wish to support the child in any way the can then go ahead but they aren't obliged to do so. That responsibility lays at DSSs feet

pictish · 28/05/2014 10:05

With all due respect windymill I hardly think harumphing snootily at the child's mother is going to help secure this little girl's future is it?

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 10:05

She might want him back, she might not. But in the end, that's irrelevant - he has a new relationship so whether she wants him back or not is completely out of the picture, one assumes.

What is important here is his baby - and he should try and look at it from her point of view, instead of everyone else's, because really that's the only thing that matters - his daughter knowing who her real dad is. That's assuming that she actually is his! So he should definitely get the DNA test done as a starting point, IMO.

Of course, this opinion is highly coloured by a similar situation in my own close family - but didn't take so long for the mother to come back with the baby, baby was only a few months old when she contacted the father to say he was the father. He initially refused to accept it, but then his mother got involved (as an interested grandparent) and when she saw the baby, she told him that the baby was the spitting image of himself as a baby. So he accepted that the baby was his, and then owing to a seriously Jerry Springeresque set of circumstances, his new girlfriend and himself ended up having full care and parental responsibility for the baby. Who is now 10 years old and still living with them. :)

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 10:07

sorry, I don't know why I made the assumption that the baby in your story was a girl, just re-read and seen that the baby is in fact a boy!

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