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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love my grown DSS to bits but REALLY disagree with this attitude

96 replies

stickybandit · 28/05/2014 08:45

In a nutshell, 2 years ago he was on/off with a girl a couple of years younger. He was 20 at the time and was (still is) working away.

She got pregnant. He bought teddies and got excited. Then she finished with him and got with someone else. Refused to do a DNA test and cut all contact. DSS has never seen baby.

Fast-forward 2 years. Her relationship has ended. Two days later, she contacted DSS and told him she's not after money but if he wants to start seeing baby, she would be happy to facilitate it.

His response was to block her number and say 'she wants me back and she's trying to ruin my relationship. I don't want to know'. I'm very uneasy with this, I've expressed how I feel (he should ask for DNA test now) but I can't go up against his mum who completely agrees with him. (He's now in a serious relationship with a different woman and they've just moved in together. His girlfriend also wants him to have nothing to do with the baby.)

I'm just wondering if I'm really on my own with this? I really HATE the 'she should have been on the pill anyway' attitude of people. It's a dual responsibility, even if it's inconvenient.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/05/2014 10:07

Is he?
I thought girl too - how strange.

NearTheWindymill · 28/05/2014 10:08

No I don't Pictish but neither is having an opinion about the dss and what he should do, if nobody is prepared to put their money where the mouth is. If the OP is prepared to do that then good for her; if she isn't then I think she needs to steer well clear.

Quitelikely · 28/05/2014 10:09

I would bet on her having doubts over the paternity. Because why no DNA test or at least a demand for maintenance. What if she stops access if she meets someone new? He might be quite hurt at the moment and angry at the fact she's in touch because she has been dumped. A father child relationship should have been in dependant of the mothers relationship status.

Give him time. He might come round. And your dh should know better than to waffle on about the pill!

pictish · 28/05/2014 10:15

Without question, the first thing would have to be a paternity test.
I am apalled that the lad won't even consider that. To not care whether the child is yours or not, is emotionally bereft.
If I were his gf I'd be looking at him like "whaaaat?" Hmm

The fact that she is supposedly encouraging him to turn cheek is quite telling.

Poor baby.

MyLatest · 28/05/2014 10:25

Usually these threads are very clear cut but in your DSS's case I have more sympathy with him than normal. His ex behaved badly. I can completely understand why he thinks life has moved on, she didn't want him around and what is she playing at now.

I can also see why you are disappointed but you need to give him time. If he is in a good, solid relationship it is perfectly natural that he doesn't want to rush to disrupt things. It would be very different if he had run off and abandoned his ex but he didn't. She pushed him away and is obviously regretting that decision. I hope in time they will be able to find some workable solution but be very careful about taking sides in this. I also suspect that the baby isn't is or at the very least she is unsure.

Original poster
stickybandit · 28/05/2014 10:32

Yes, poor baby! My DSS is a good guy, that's why I'm so shocked at this.

A bit harsh, Windymill. Everyone works, no issue about money - she just pointed out that she wasn't getting in touch for that. As far as I know she's in full time education now. Just a young woman who got pregnant. Not ideal but it happens,doesn't make her the devil incarnate. If I thought it wouldn't cause trouble, I'd ask her why she wouldn't do a DNA initially.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/05/2014 10:38

If it were me, I'd be asking my dp to sit and hear me out.
I would tell him that it's being weighing on my mind and to do me the courtesy of listening to my pov.
If he is a good man OP, he'll allow you that.

Write down the points you want to make and do so calmly, in the hope that he takes what you say on board, and carries it along to his son.

It's all you can do.

brdgrl · 28/05/2014 10:38

I bet you're disappointed in your DP... who is presumably the grandfather? Sounds like the whole family are rejecting the baby - not just DSS and his DM - wholesale and you're in a minority of one. You must be seeing all of them in a new light.

This. I am trying to imagine what I'd do if this were DSS. We're close enough that I think I would take him aside and give him some home truths. You say you have already expressed how you feel, so I'm not sure there is anything else you can do to actually influence the situation. I assume your DP is just interested in supporting his son, and not his grandchild? In that case, I would have to let my husband know that I was disappointed by his attitude, too.

Once you have said your piece, I guess all you can do is refuse to endorse their behaviour in the future. If they start to bitch about her, you walk out of the room. I'm sorry.

NearTheWindymill · 28/05/2014 10:56

But she isn't just a young woman who got pregnant is she. She's a young woman who got pregnant, isn't entirely sure of the father, left the boy she claimed was the father for another man when she was pregnant supposedly with his child, has broken up with that boyfriend before the child's 2nd birthday and is now renewing contact with dss. I'd be wondering how long before she was pregnant again and when she'd be leaving dss again. And what's happened to the other boyfriend in all of this.

I am truly sorry for the baby but if your dss were my son I'd be demanding a DNA test to establish paternity and if the baby had nothing to do with us then I would ensure not a copper coin reached this girl's grasp.

scallopsrgreat · 28/05/2014 11:10

This isn't about the woman. This is about the baby. Any money wouldn't be for her it would be for the baby.

She didn't "get" pregnant. There were two people involved.

Why is the woman's ex not supporting the child (or is he)? He seems to have spent to first 2 yrs of his life with him.

DNA tests just seem so territorial as if the baby is a possession. There is no reason why men can't bring up and support children that he may not biologically father. Why is emotional (or financial) involvement in a child's life dependent on their being a biological connection?

I suspect, however, I will be in a minority of one here though Grin.

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 11:11

How do you know she's not entirely sure who the Father is? She may be 100% certain, we don't know.

I agree that for DSS peace of mind a DNA test should be done but let's not assume that this woman is playing multiple choice with Daddy's.

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 11:14

Scallops - if the DSS was still with the girl, I would agree with you. But he's not. So why would he have any connection with the boy if he's not actually his biological father? No reason.

scallopsrgreat · 28/05/2014 11:17

Yes I can see that Thumbwitch. Also thinking about it more, because of the society we live in if he isn't the biologoical father and invests emotional time into the child's life then that could count for nothing in the long term if the whole relationship/set up breaks down. Which could be awful for the child.

MorrisZapp · 28/05/2014 11:22

Blimey. I feel sorry for the stepson in this. He was dumped, excluded, and doesn't know if the child is his.

Now two years later he's selfish etc for not becoming an instant father because it suits his ex?

He should be very careful if he doesn't want to be hurt again. The responses on this thread seem to be about another situation entirely, where a father fucks off and leaves his child. That hasn't happened here.

scallopsrgreat · 28/05/2014 11:34

Well he didn't try for any contact for the previous 2 yrs MorrisZapp. Those aren't the actions of someone who cares about the child. He has good reason to believe he is the father of the child. Why did he not persue that?

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 11:36

If he has reasonable doubt to believe that he was the Father 2 years ago he should have fought then Morris the ExGF has acted extremely poorly also. It isn't about them it's about the child.

They should put their own feeling aside and do what is best for this kid.

threedeer · 28/05/2014 11:43

I think long term, he will feel better if he has a paternity test so he knows whether or not he is a father. Whether or not he wants contact with her is a separate matter. Sounds like she was pretty cruel and used him. He doesn't need to be a push over, but if the child is his he has the right to contact and input on their upbringing.

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 12:03

Well no he doesn't, threedeer, not really. BUt the child does have a right to know who his father is.

getthefeckouttahere · 28/05/2014 15:23

hmm, i would make it clear that in my opinion real men take care of their children financially and emotionally, and that those who don't are entitled to less of my respect.

The rest is up to him. (although if it was my dss i would make this point forcefully and repeatedly!!!)

AryaOfHouseSnark · 28/05/2014 15:34

How disappointed was he when she cut contact ? Do you think he is worried about getting involved only to be hurt again ? Especially if he is not the Father of the baby.
He really should do a DNA test, but I don't know how you will convince him of that.

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 15:37

EVen if he wants to do a DNA test, the mother of the baby can refuse, can't she - so that might be irrelevant, especially as she's apparently not asking for money.

But I think asking for a DNA test is the next logical step - and yes, I do believe that if there were any chance at all that the child was his, then he should be following up on that, not just going "Meh, not my problem" (which seems to be his current response in a nutshell)

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 15:39

Thumbwitch They can refuse initially but it is quite easy to get it court ordered. Easier than I thought if I'm perfectly honest.

I have a friend going through something just now and that is what is happening even though the man who has requested it has no proof of relationship to my friend and my friends husband is on the birth certificate.

Thumbwitch · 28/05/2014 15:57

Gosh, Meeeep, that's a bit of a worry! Presumably though the actual test will show up that the man is on a hiding into nothing? How distressing for your friend and her DH in the meantime though. Shock

I don't suppose for a second that the OP's DSS is going to bother going to court for it though, unless his ex GF suddenly decides to go after him financially.

Meeeep · 28/05/2014 16:15

It is quite shocking that effectively any random off the street could cause this amount of upheaval for a family.

I have remained in shock throughout at decisions being made by a number of professional bodies with no proof what-so-ever that my friends childs parentage should be called into question. There are also no issues with the family, well respected, child well adjusted, clearly looked after well, no history of abuse/drugs/alcohol abuse etc etc.

It's certainly opened my eyes as I truly did not believe it would ever come this far.

Purpleroxy · 28/05/2014 17:49

It doesn't matter whether anyone believes "she should have been on the pill". It's all too late to pontificate on irrelevancies because there is a child in existence. Both the child's parents should pay towards the child and parent the child.