Sex, rejection, pornography....

[seabream]

I need some help so I can work out if I'm justified in feeling as hurt as I am. My partner rejected me sexually, said he wasn't interested, and has done this quite a bit recently. I have a decent figure (size 8, good boobs etc), but I might as well be completely invisible. He hardly glances at me, and doesn't really touch me.
But then this morning I discover that he has been googling naked photos of girls and looking at porn.
It's hurt me to the core but I have no way of knowing whether I'm being totally ridiculous (which would be characteristic of me), and how on earth I would speak to him about it, or even if I should. All I know is that its made me feel like shit, like I'm the least desirable person in the world. He says he loves me all the time, does lovely things for me, and we do have sex, and it is great. But it has been dropping off lately, and while he's quick to point out my flaws - as in "ohh, you've got a spot on your chin", I can't actually remember the last time he complimented me or showed attraction to me. We've been together two years.

OP, I can totally sympathise as I found myself in near identical circumstances a few months ago. My boyfriend suddenly seemed categorically uninterested in having sex with me. He was still very physically affectionate, did kind things and treated me brilliantly (on the surface) but every attempt I made to initiate sex was met with excuses or apathy or just...nothing. Like you I have good self esteem and have a good figure, so it's not like I could put it down to him looking at girls with 'better' figures than mine (of course this is all subjective! I knew his type based on celebrities he finds attractive/ past girlfriends and I fit it) so I really couldn't understand why our good sex life had suddenly disappeared. Turns out he'd somehow stopped seeing me as a sexual partner/ girlfriend and now just saw me as a friend. This was in spite of all the affection/ boyfriend stuff he and we still did, and in spite of our sex life initially being quite good (and dirty!) I seriously think you need to confront him head on about this. Quite frankly it did/ still has destroyed my self esteem. I now find myself questioning how good I am in bed, or what on earth it is that suddenly killed his sexual attraction to me.....

Sorry you're going through this x

Yeah, I know AF, I was just being an arsey bugger.

And I am bloody sick of seeing pointless "debates" with PornLovers.

I don't think you should tie yourself up in knots analysing why you need to be complimented etc, a more relevant question is why he needs to 'point out your flaws'. Furthermore, why you can't talk to him about something that hurt you without him using it against you. The answer is simple: he's unpleasant and he's trying to undermine you, and you just need to get rid of him before he affects your self esteem in the long term.

Yes, love

Stop questioning yourself and ask those difficult questions of him

He is the problem here, not you, and he will be found wanting.

I guess you need to ask yourself how much effort you want to put into fixing how you feel with this person. I stress the words fixing how YOU feel, as this is the only thing that matters, not his feelings.. They are his concern to rationalise.

Talking from experience, I confronted my now' ex with "how do you think it makes me feel when you make comments like that?" Leading to complete embarrassment on his part because it had become so natural to him he didn't realise what he was saying. This is not acceptable.

Having been single for two years, I can only say that there are plenty of guys out there who will value you for who you really are. Regardless if you are in a relationship with them or not. Don't be with someone who puts you down, life is too short and there are too many good guys out there to worry about the complicated ones.

I don't think I've ever seen advice on here where people are saying if you loose a few pounds or go the the gym your man will be happy.

You mention your body size, boobs, compare your body to porn participants etc, mention his weight - as if these things are important or relevant to your situation. I don't think they are at all. You also mention your own insecurity, or fear of being labelled as insecure by merely raising the porn issue with him.

Fact is women of all different shapes and sizes have similar problems to you - they are in a relationship with a jerk.

Keep focusing on your values and how incompatible this man is with them.

BeCool whilst thats true, sexual attraction can be diminished by factors such as weight gain, even if you love your partner. Many posters on here before have admitted to finding their partners less attractive if their body shape has changed significantly. I think the OP was just pointing out that there are (on the surface) absolutely no physical reasons why he should suddenly find her less sexually attractive, especially when she compares favourably to the girls in porn that he's wanking off too. They are factors that [I]could[/I] be relevant in some situations like this but don't seem to be causing the issues in this case. I agree though, you do deserve better than a sexless relationship where your confidence is damaged, not matter what his reasons for not having sex with you are.

Nope, never seen that brand of "advice" either. And if anyone even tries they get jumped on from a great height

OP, do you have some good female friends, or are they of a variety that say things like "give him plenty of good blow jobs and he'll never stray", "keep yourself trim, and trimmed, and he will always come home to you" and other assorted bollocks ?

Sorry but I have to chip in here. I have been in a sexless marriage for many years. I put on weight due to comfort eating because it happens the other way around sometimes. Then in 2002/03 I lost 10 stone It made no difference to DH at all I had a LT affair When that ended I comfort ate but put on nowhere near as much as I did in my twenties. I have since last August lost 2 and a half stone and only have a stone to go to be back where I was Weight is NOTHING to do with it.

No porn involved in my case.

AF I did see that brand of advice once when I wandered into Dadsnet.

Posted by a bloke ? Quelle surprise

Yep

I bet it wasn't one of our resident decent blokes either...

Nope.

Post by aclearbluesky Final paragraph.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dadsnet/1849618-Blokes-I-need-your-viewpoint-on-sex-affection-and-overall-male-mindset

yeah, nobber

Interesting to also see the guys on there slag off the Relationships topic posters. Now I remember why I don't go over there much (aside from the fact it is dead as a dodo)

Yeah The tumbleweed blew across my keyboard too.

Although, just to play Devil's Advocate for a second...

We are mostly women on here all telling each other that a man won't mind if we put on a few pounds... And occasionally a 'man' who none of know comes along to tell us that we're right say what we want to hear

If elsewhere there are men saying that actually they do mind... Then what if they really do?

We can tell ourselves and each other what we like, surely. It's not going to make it true.

(Please don't jump on me, I'm thinking aloud rather than stating it as fact. Just seeking reassurance that I might be wrong as much as anything. Just not sure that I am )

I'm not sure the Mumsnet 'party line' on porn is always very helpful to people in that it is based on what women think and has little to say on what men are actually up to. What it tends to do is reinforce some incorrect ideas. They might be popular and maybe even 'right on' but in the end, they aren't going to assist anyone with their problems.

1. Close to all men look at pornography at some point. You can take a 'stance' if you want but all you're really doing is trumping up the charges so that when you get disappointed you can pretend its a trust issue and a Terrible Crime.
2. Men make no investment in pornography, they aren't comparing you to anything. Most men couldn't even tell you what they were watching after the event, it just doesn't work like that. Thinking otherwise is madness.
3. In any case, The Evil World Of Porn is about as varied as it gets in terms of who is in it. Perfection is by cold-eyed market statistics, not what actually sells. Variety is. The most popular pornstar in the world is a woman in her mid-40s who'd never make it within a hundred miles of a women's magazine cover or an advertising hoarding, contrary to what the media claims shaving/waxing ended about four or five years ago, when HD came in (think about it). You might also be amazed to discover that its actually softening as well in content (the actresses themselves hate this because they get paid less, and they are only in it for the money obviously, but strong hardcore got saturated and no longer sells). In conclusion, whatever the mainstream does, porn goes the other way to sell product. What this should tell you is that it is about different not "perfect". You can read Adult Video News if you really feel the need to see this expressed in dollars. Porn exists to make money, not to make people feel bad about themselves (although it is true nobody cares if that is what happens but still). Men watch porn because it is different.
4. For the record, trafficking a woman to be in porn is more idiotic than trafficking a woman to be in the Royal Shakespeare Company or play county cricket. This is just something Mumsnet tells itself to make it a Worse Crime to watch it. It makes no sense. Porn is edited you know and quite difficult to film so that it looks interesting (anyone who has made a 'home video' aka two stoats wrestling in a paper bag surely realises this). Porn sex is not really sex at all, nobody has sex like that, its its own thing. One of the reasons there are 'hotel' edits with pot plants in the way is that is actually the technical rehearsal filmed as a by-product, its all very serious and boring. You can count on a scene taking four or five hours to get right, a big porn shoot will go on for 20+ hours believe it or not. Its much better to pay an expert who knows what they are doing and can talk to the lighting people properly. There is a crew standing around, craft services waiting, permits counting down, you're bleeding money every second, saving money on 'talent' is a false economy they are a very small part of the spreadsheet. Increasingly, now the market is collapsing, you also want someone with enough of a following on social media to shift product for you and go to the tradeshows. Again, its a business.

This is probably comforting/discomforting in equal measure when you really think about it, but it is the truth of it. It doesn't have much to do with you either way. Lose weight and don't be amazed if 'BBW' turn up in the browser history. You can't win but then there isn't as such a competition going on anyway.

But OP, don't let him be disrespectful to you, that isn't OK.

So he would rather engage with airbrushed bits of paper/videos than a living breathing woman? He is SAD. There are plenty of men out there who prefer the real thing! Find one!!!

defo leave him- clearly a complete and utter wanker

Or alternatively, everytime there is a loving relationship shown on tv, go on about it. "It must be so lovely to have a man like that enjoying himself with a real woman rather than gazing at bits of paper/internet... Oh well..."

Sadly, I think passingobserver speaks a lot of sense.

So, perhaps "men" (as a group) do mind if 'er indoors puts a few pounds on

So ? A good reason to dump the fucker.

And still there are people bigging up porn on this thread. At length.