Sex, rejection, pornography....

[seabream]

I need some help so I can work out if I'm justified in feeling as hurt as I am. My partner rejected me sexually, said he wasn't interested, and has done this quite a bit recently. I have a decent figure (size 8, good boobs etc), but I might as well be completely invisible. He hardly glances at me, and doesn't really touch me.
But then this morning I discover that he has been googling naked photos of girls and looking at porn.
It's hurt me to the core but I have no way of knowing whether I'm being totally ridiculous (which would be characteristic of me), and how on earth I would speak to him about it, or even if I should. All I know is that its made me feel like shit, like I'm the least desirable person in the world. He says he loves me all the time, does lovely things for me, and we do have sex, and it is great. But it has been dropping off lately, and while he's quick to point out my flaws - as in "ohh, you've got a spot on your chin", I can't actually remember the last time he complimented me or showed attraction to me. We've been together two years.

Sorry about the mention of dress size. It was more to forestall any comments about me being insecure about the way I look (i'm not) or advice for me to go to the gym and lose a few kilos....
I get everything that's been said. What I still don't get is the disparity between his words "I love you" and some of his actions. I realise that the good things he does are always on his terms (making me lunch, etc). He will look at women online because he fancies it, and his attitude is that if it bothers me, that's my problem.
I doubt he will ever change as this is deeply imprinted on his way of being. He could have been different but I don't think he could be bothered, and he can't see the benefit for himself. I'm sure he'll easily find another woman who will put up with it. (Despite being a fair few pounds overweight himself.....)
Sigh.

"Why do we assume the OP's partner is rejecting her because he enjoys porn ?"

He's rejecting her and he enjoys porn. Both nasty things in their own right. No-one says there's a causal link.

Honestly Seabream, 2 years and you're getting a half hearted attempt at a partner, I'd put money on you finding someone who actually wants to be involved 100% in a relationship.

ive been where you are, and it trashed my self confidence. It only got worse. Id get out now if i were you.

It's absolutely fine to mention dress size OP, some women on here are sensitive about it that's all. I think you have a point. If you were a size 20 and he didn't fancy larger ladies, then he could argue (quite unjustifiably, but logically all the same) that he's looking at women who turn him on. With a great figure there's nothing in porn that he couldn't get at home.

It's very easy to say you love someone, it's harder to act thus if you're selfish because love requires that you consider your partner's needs as much as your own.

I'm not anti porn, hubby and I both enjoy it. I say this to put into context my thoughts.

It isn't ever ok to overstep the boundaries of your partner. If you believe his porn use affects your relationship you have every right to raise the issues and set your boundaries as being either no porn or porn when you are together.

Porn and sex isn't about the best looking person. When you are in a relationship then looks are immaterial because it's sex and love with your partner, not a porn movie.

If your partner is not expressing live or satisfying your needs or his with you then you have a problem that needs to be discussed.

I'm not one of the LTB camp in the first instance. I think you need the talk first and the setting of boundaries and to express your hurt and concern. If he's not prepared to live within your boundaries or can't accept how hurt you feel, then I'd consider LTB.

I think men and women often have very different views on the need and place of porn. If he is viewing porn regularly then he may well be viewing 'perfect' airbrushed women,the typical porn star. They often don't appear to have flaws as they have been airbrushed out. If he is now comparing you to these 'imaginary' women then of course your 'flaws' will be very apparent. I do think you need to talk to him to see how he actually feels about you before you even raise the issue of porn use. It does not mean that he does not love or respect you because he uses porn but it maybe altering his view of reality. He may well be having a bit of trouble 'getting it up' so he prefers to push you away rather than confront it ( just a possibility). You are fully justified in feeling hurt, sit down, see what he has to say and take it from there. Guess a lot depends on your real feelings for him too. Sometimes difficulties can be worked through with communication and so sometimes they can't ....... Time will tell.

I disagree with Twinkle. Finding your partner too fat to find attractive is not a logical reason to taunt them about their flaws, reject them sexually and to exploit women. Logically you would end the relationship.

I also disagree with Heyday. I don't think attitudes are split men vs women. Plenty of people of both sexes are convinced by the evidence that porn is (for example) exploitative and damaging to young men and women.

Porn is not always about aesthetically pleasing naked photos, but power, violence and humiliation.

its just a few pictures really? so why are you upset about it?

and I've got a better figure than most of those girls so what has this got to do with things? This statement makes you sound very superficial. Try focusing on your values beyond fitting into size 8 jeans.

Vivacia you are fully entitled to your views. Are you really saying that every act of porn is about power and humiliation. Isn't it often just a means to getting sexually aroused? There are thousands of women who enter the porn trade, get treated extremely well, stay in total control at all times and do well financially. Hardcore porn is one thing, a bit of mild titillation something else surely? I guess it's all about moderation so it doesn't control ones life.

I don't think the porn on its own is an issue, but can see how it woulds upset you.
IMO sex and lone masturbation are almost unrelated.
You can feel up for one and not the other, very different place to be emotionally and fulfills different needs I think.

I would be strait with him, tell him you find this difficult to talk about but that 2 years into this relationship with an almost non existent sex life is not good.
And that it does not make you feel good when he rejects you - is there something going on/something he is worried about about? Say he does not need to answer right now 'on the spot' as it were, but that you are not prepared to just be in limbo not knowing if your relationship is alright or not.
You wont know how he will react or how he feels until you start talking.

I am saying that I am convinced by the evidence (written research and documentary) that too many engaged in porn are exploited and that the easy access to hardcore porn damages young people at the start of their sex lives.

Everyone says porn is normal, porn is harmless, it's neither, it's exploitative 9 times out of 10 for the women involved and it's exploitative to the viewers too, nobody has sex lives like this, nor do men or women look like this, if you start watching porn as an adolescent and carry on into adult hood, there's a high chance you will have a distorted view of sex and women, this is already being proved.

Yes there are some women who enjoy it and make loads of money but they really are in the minority.

It's common sense isn't it, if your man is getting his rocks off this way then he's not going to be too bothered about actually making the EFFORT to woe and romance his woman - therein lies the problem when women think they should be cool about their men and their porn habits when in fact the men are too fucken lazy to actually have a healthy normal sex life with their partner.

The OP is describing an unpleasant, selfish man that rejects her sexually. Any of those qualities alone are good enough reasons to chuck his lardy arse. That he would scoff at her dislike of his porn use as well is just consistent with the type.

I don't think he's the sort that's going to respond positively to conversations about hurt feelings or female exploitation.

I wouldn't even bother bringing the porn thing up. I'd just tell him that being criticised and rejected sexually wasn't what you signed up for when starting a relationship with him. There's plenty to be going on with here without being side-tracked by the porn

Could we not turn this into yet another Porn is Shit vs Porn is Essential and I neeeed it so you are wrong argument please ? It's gone waaaay beyond boring and isn't actually relevant to this thread.

This OP is upset by her partner's use of porn and that is all respondents need to know.

Are there any other topics you find boring and that we should avoid?

BeCool, I'm not sure I understand your point. I've explained my reference to size, as I've seen women be advised to change their appearance in such situations (not here, I hasten to add). My values are why I'm posting here. I absolutely do not want to be in a disrespectful relationship, and it has taken an inadvertent internet discovery to make me realise that I am.
My situation aside (I will be dealing with it). Porn is not something I want in my life because of the values it introduces. I don't want to have sex with someone who views me as a commodity. I'm trying to figure out where this comes from, why it happens, and how to escape from it in the future.

I do ask myself, why do I need to be complimented? Shouldn't it be enough to know he loves me, as otherwise he wouldn't be here? And it normally is enough, but not when I see that he's been using other women as arousal tools.
Our sex life is actually good, enjoyable, and he never struggles. He's considerate in bed and isn't selfish that way. But when I get pushed aside in favour of a computer screen, I get the hump, and other issues start to come to the surface.

I still think that there is so much more than 'a few pictures'. Get checking OP, then get out of this nasty relationship.

I agree with AnyFucker. Getting side-tracked by who does or does not accept porn as a normal part of a sexual relationship is irrelevant to how the OP feels about it.

I'd be kicking him to the kerb for the criticism and rejection alone. "He hardly glances at her, and doesn't really touch her." Fuck that!

Another woman mixed up with a woman-hating excuse.

You owe this person nothing, OP.

Vivacia I did not say that being overweight was good reason to taunt a partner, simply that from a male pov it's a logical reason to watch porn. Nor am I defending it. But there have been plenty of women on here with overweight husbands complaining that they don't find them attractive. That can cut both ways.

However, this man doesn't have that excuse: the OP has a great figure, they've only been together two years, if the sex is not good, and he's mainly having sex with his right hand, then the relationship is dead in the water. Quite apart from the fact that he is clearly an arse.

Viv, FWIW, I agree with you completely on your stance about porn. But these circular arguements simply do not help the OP, I am sure you can see that. No offence intended.