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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex, rejection, pornography....

78 replies

seabream · 27/05/2014 11:36

I need some help so I can work out if I'm justified in feeling as hurt as I am. My partner rejected me sexually, said he wasn't interested, and has done this quite a bit recently. I have a decent figure (size 8, good boobs etc), but I might as well be completely invisible. He hardly glances at me, and doesn't really touch me.
But then this morning I discover that he has been googling naked photos of girls and looking at porn.
It's hurt me to the core but I have no way of knowing whether I'm being totally ridiculous (which would be characteristic of me), and how on earth I would speak to him about it, or even if I should. All I know is that its made me feel like shit, like I'm the least desirable person in the world. He says he loves me all the time, does lovely things for me, and we do have sex, and it is great. But it has been dropping off lately, and while he's quick to point out my flaws - as in "ohh, you've got a spot on your chin", I can't actually remember the last time he complimented me or showed attraction to me. We've been together two years.

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 27/05/2014 11:39

Yes, you're completely justified in feeling hurt.

He doesn't compliment you, but he's happy to criticise you. Rather than having sex with you, he looks at porn.

What a catch he sounds.

LineRunner · 27/05/2014 11:43

Well, there is a school of thought that says that at about two years in you start to reveal the real 'you'.

The real 'him' is sounding quite worrying.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 11:46

Of course you're justified. Why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks it's OK to point out your 'flaws' and make you feel like shit whilst at the same time getting his jollies googling porn? What's stopping you chucking his stuff out or walking out of the door?

Jan45 · 27/05/2014 11:48

100% justified and it's not acceptable, sick of hearing about how all women need to be cool and accept certain men's porn habit, no you don't, it's not the norm and it's clearly having an impact on your relationship, time to sit down and have a long, frank chat.

fuzzpig · 27/05/2014 11:59

What Jan said.

DillyBob14 · 27/05/2014 12:05

I agree with Jan - it is foul and so he is.

You on the other hand Op sound lovely and deserving of way more than he 'gives' you. I hope you realise that and get rid so you can find someone who is worthy of you.

Original poster
seabream · 27/05/2014 12:11

Thanks for the responses. So, how do I raise it? What do I say? How do I not look like an insecure, ranting nightmare and actually get him to understand why it has hurt me?

OP posts:
DillyBob14 · 27/05/2014 12:17

I don't see how you can change his behaviour - and if he is aware you know he will just be more secretive and/or defensive, angry, embarrassed, etc... I think the question you should ask is why you put up with it and will you continue to do so?

Original poster
seabream · 27/05/2014 12:19

But I can't just leave. I need to at least talk to him about it, surely? I know that to him its probably just a few pictures, probably never occurred to him that I would see it, or that the juxtaposition between that and his rejection last night would upset me so much.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 12:24

You wouldn't be leaving on the strength of a few pictures though, would you? You'd be rejecting his generally nasty treatment of you, the criticisms, the belittling, the sexual rejection and the porn is simply the last straw. Never admit to a bully that they have hurt you because that's precisely the effect they are going for.

A concise explanation such as 'this isn't working for me any more and I think we should go our separate ways' is not ranting, insecure or nightmarish... just a statement of fact

Jan45 · 27/05/2014 12:44

OP, it's worrying that you are worried about even raising it with him, you are entitled to be unhappy about this you know, anyone would be. If he's not prepared to listen to you and agree to make changes then I don't see much hope for you ever being happy with him.

Expect to be treated how you treat others OP, you should expect the very least from that from your partner.

Original poster
seabream · 27/05/2014 13:27

I'm worried that by raising it with him, I'll be exposing myself as insecure - which always puts a person at a disadvantage. And that I will be giving him something to "rebel" against, which will make it more attractive for him. I suppose I just want him to want and desire me the way he says he loves me, and to act in that way. I am not ready to end the relationship at this point, but I will have to if I can't find a way to address this.
We have sorted out a number of things since we've been together, but somehow I don't know how to tackle this.

I got hurt when he rejected me and I think my reaction made him want to be "bad". I only found out because I was trying to find something for work in google search history and he must have been logged into my google at home.....

But seriously, its just a few pictures, and I've got a better figure than most of those girls. So why does it bother me? Because he doesn't seem to really appreciate me anymore.
Shit.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 13:38

If you really believe that, by saying you were hurt when he rejected you, that was interpreted by him as a reason to be bad, then you've got bigger problems than porn.

Please listen carefully. You are a decent human being who is worthy of love and respect in your own right. If you are hurt you are entitled to say you are hurt. If you are angry you are entitled to say you are angry. If someone sees you are hurt and enjoys it so much that they want to hurt you some more they are a bully and you should not waste a second more of your time on them.

Telling him 'you're using porn, I find it disgusting and you and me are history' would be assertive. Telling him 'you're using porn and you're hurting my feelings' would be confirmation that his bullying is working.... so don't do it.

Jan45 · 27/05/2014 13:43

You don't have to accept his porn habit as part of your relationship, I wouldn't and know loads of other women who wouldn't either. If you want a normal healthy relationship then you are going to have to talk about it. Not accepting it doesn't make you insecure in the slightest, you simply have standards and shouldn't change them to suit his dirty habit on the side, esp when he puts you down and rejects you.

2 years together and it's like this, you should both still be ripping each other's clothes off at this point.

Sorry but if you are not willing to talk about an issue that bothers you then I don't see anything changing.

maras2 · 27/05/2014 13:47

I'd do a bit more digging if I were you.Can't believe he treats you so badly but only looks at 'a few pictures'.Nah.Something's not right here.Check his email for on line prossie/wank sites ie. Adultwork.Get yourself armed with facts then confront him if you must but only if you can be assertive.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 13:48

Your boyfriend is really rather shit isn't he ?

I am certain you can do better than this inadequate individual who prefers porn to warm and willing female body.

He hates you, OP, I am sorry. He is trying to diminish you and he is starting to succeed. I am glad you posted on MN before he completely destroyed your self worth. I hope you listen to us (but I suspect you will swallow a fair amount more of his bullshit before you pull the plug...more's the pity)

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 13:50

It is a secure woman that states what her boundaries and is prepared to end the relationship if they are overstepped.

Wanking to porn and rejecting me sexually would be a boundary overstepped. Allow him to trample them, be afraid to raise it with him and you are letting yourself in for a whole world of disrespect. It's started already, OP...and you know it.

Original poster
seabream · 27/05/2014 13:55

I hear everything you are saying and intend to act on it.
But - WHY? Why do men (some men? this man?) do this? Why isn't what they have enough? Why would he chose his hand and some images over me/a real person? And why is it that when it makes me happy to make him happy, the opposite doesn't seem to be the case?
Thank you everyone for valitating my feelings. I will act on this tonight. I don't need to dig any more or snoop.

OP posts:
RedRoom · 27/05/2014 13:58

'Insecure' would be asking unwarranted questions along the lines of 'do you fancy other girls more than me? Am I attractive? Are you looking at that girl? Was your ex prettier than me?' What is not insecure is standing up for yourself and pointing the blame for him being an arse squarely at his feet, rather than going along with the idea that it is a figment of your paranoid, clingy mind.

It isn't you, it's him.

The insecure woman would apologise for raising it, ask him to reassure her that he fancies her, apologise for being upset at having no sex life, and so on. In short, she would seek his approval and reassurance that his behaviour is no reflection on her attractiveness, rather than seeing him for what he is: bloody rude and undeserving of her as a girlfriend.

If I were you, I would tell him firmly that you are unprepared to have an unfulfilling sex life while he uses porn, that you are fed up of being taken for granted because he is incapable of complimenting you about anything, and that him pointing out your flaws to try and make you feel crap is really not what you deserve or expect from a partner because you deserve better, and can do better.

Then find a bloke who makes you feel good.

DillyBob14 · 27/05/2014 13:59

because he wants to - and he has no respect for women probably. And the only person he cares for is himself.

Jan45 · 27/05/2014 14:02

I just can't believe it's like this after 2 years. You may be able to resolve this OP, but not without effort on his part, the issue you have is with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 14:06

"why is it that when it makes me happy to make him happy, the opposite doesn't seem to be the case? "

Selfishness. There are some people - pretty inadequate ones admittedly - who get a sick satisfaction out of making others feel so bad that they are constantly anxious to please. They are called bullies and they do it because it suits them.

You may not have noticed but he seems to be gradually ramping up the insults over time. Getting you used to slightly worse behaviour by degrees, gambling that you won't complain, you'll blame yourself, you'll keep wanting to make him happy. It's very nasty and very sly.

Please see him for what he is.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/05/2014 14:08

Why do they do it? I expect there are as many reasons as there are men. Perhaps he can't deal with a real, live woman and her "demands". Demands which are not aligned with his own needs. Not having a woman actually in the room with him means it's all about his fantasies, desires and needs and yours just gets in the way of them.

elizalovelace · 27/05/2014 14:43

Op you mention your good figure in your posts as if you think that means he shoudnt need to look at porn.It dosent matter what size/shape a woman is to most decent partners, plenty of non size 8 women are adored sexually and emotionally by their men who wouldnt dream of hurting them by perfering porn to a loving equal partership with the woman they are sharing their life with.

Mugg1ns · 27/05/2014 15:02

He's wanking probably because he likes it. Are people in relationships not allowed to masturbate ? Why do we assume the OP's partner is rejecting her because he enjoys porn ?