Would really appreciate some thoughts/advice

[confusion77]

Have NC for privacy.

I feel like I have wasted my life. I am 37 and been with my husband for 13 years. We married last year. I am beginning to think we will be the couple that are together for ages then split soon after marriage.

I will try to give the background as facts. He lived with his parents until we bought our house 4 years ago. He has a sporadic work history - spent a lot of time, years, out of work with no real motivation to get a job. Its the reason it took us so long to buy a house. I had lived with an ex partner and aline since i was 17 but moved back to my parents just as i got together with DH due to a split with ex. I planned to save up and rent somewhere. My plans changed to save and but with DH. It took years. Eventually i wa on a decent wage and he was working and we bought our house then married last year. He walked out of his job weeks later due to stress. I wasn't supportive but he did it anyway.

I have long since thought that he has some MH/depression/other issue. He has no friends, he has v.high expectations and standards. He is mildly obsessive. He hoards.

We get on brilliantly when we do get on. But those times seem fewer and further between. When we argue he gets so angry. I am not in danger or scared of him, but there is no reasoning with him. He said this morning 'oh well its obviously just my fault then' when often i think it is just him. He over reacts, he takes things personally, he us suspicious, he goes on and on about things that i wkuldn't even mention.

This morning - I was dropping him off at work. He usually takes himself but got me up to take him. Drove past 3 workmen 'up to no good' we had a bit of conversation about it, then he continued 'ranting' at me about them. I didn't respond after the first few times. This caused an arguement because of 'how i treat him'. He really went for it. Quite nasty. I don't care about the men. They were doing no harm and theres no sign of them now.

We have no children though have been trying. We don't go out as he is socially awkward and doesn't like most people. I go out with friends. Friends don't invite us as a couple, when they have he hasn't gone, even to the point of getting to the house then saying 'i'll just drop you off and go home'

He is constantly critical of everyone particularly my family. He is right in some ways but i don't want or need to hear him complain all the time. They are currently employing him enabling us to pay the mortgage.

I don't know what to do. I have changed. He has changed me. I wish it could be how it is when its goid. When its good i am happ and can cope with the difficult things.y. When its bad i feel like i have wasted my life waiting for him.

I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much. I probably couldn't manage here alone atm but possibly after our current fixed term expires as we have a high interest rate.

I know i should have dealt with all this sooner. We don't communicate welk and he is scathing of the idea of depression/mh issues. He heard on the radio a discussion about adult men with ASD / asbergers and just took this piss. My heart sank.

[confusion77]

I had already thought of that branching but wondered if my gp would think i was bonkers. I've been resisting going so far as i've a feeling he might sign me off which would be a relief but i:m not sure i want depression / stress on my work history.

[confusion77]

Tonight i am going to try to read through all of this again.

[eddielizzard]

it is a massive shock to realise it's not you - it's him. you're looking at changing your life and that's great, although scary at the same time.

you can tell him what's bothering you, but it's up to him to act on it. you can't make him and you don't actually have to give him a chance. he's got to make some very big changes and it should be clear pretty quickly whether his heart is in it.

this is your life. you only live it once. have an honest think - if he did everything you want him to, would it work then?

[Jux]

He is a mill stone, isn't he? A wet blanket on your outlook and energy.

It really does sound like it's well and truly over from what you say and how you say it. I think you've been fed up for years and it may be that even if he does manage a change (which probably won't last long anyway) it will be too little too late. I apologise if I have read this all wrong.

[confusion77]

No I don't think you have read it wrong jux

I am veering between emotions right now. Sadness at the moment. Anger at times.

He sounds dreadful as i describe things here but I know that if he didn't have these 'issues' we would be great. We have been before. But I am not at all sure that he can get past them now.

I have let things go for too long. And yes I do blame myself for that. Tbf to him he has brought up problems again and again but always in a way that was negative to me, I developed a habit of thinking 'just ignore and he'll get over it'.

[upupupandaway]

Well you know he wont get over it. He wont acknowledge there is a problem. Time is running out for you and you know what you have to do. Everyone of us has issues, but we deal with them don't we?
He doesn't and you have to take the decision for your future happiness and you know it doesn't involve him because he's selfish and doesn't give two hoots about your needs.

[Jux]

Confusion, marking time waiting or hoping that things will change just doesn't work, hasn't worked and isn't going to work. The only way that things will change is if you change them (well, he's not going to change them, is he?).

You know what you need to do. It sounds like your mum will support you, you dad will help you, your friends will love you.

Be brave. Do it

[FantasticButtocks]

wondered if my gp would think i was bonkers But when you think about it though, I'm sure you're not in the business of trying to impress your GP with your non-bonkersness! Who cares if your GP thinks you are bonkers? If he or she won't help you, change GP and keep going until you find someone who will!

if he didn't have these 'issues' But he does. Have those issues. And he is not even open to the idea of doing anything about them.

And he won't, until his issues cause intolerable things to happen in his life and he actually recognises that his issues have caused them to provoke him into making those changes, addressing those issues, climbing down off his high horse about MH and depression etc.

He may find you ending the relationship that intolerable. He may not.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

One thing I noticed in your previous thread, talking about the home you have
I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much.

That sounded so heartfelt, compared to how you talk about DH. You have tried, but you can't single-handedly revive this.

His constant moaning must drive you round the bend but I am still wondering how did he explain the stress that caused him to throw in his last job? After all he is scathing about MH and depression, so how come he was so afflicted he had to chuck in work? Let me guess - he never saw the need to elaborate, he went ahead anyway.

He's either in this marriage, or you’re out.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Oops, meant to post this on OP's subsequent thread.