Would really appreciate some thoughts/advice

[confusion77]

Have NC for privacy.

I feel like I have wasted my life. I am 37 and been with my husband for 13 years. We married last year. I am beginning to think we will be the couple that are together for ages then split soon after marriage.

I will try to give the background as facts. He lived with his parents until we bought our house 4 years ago. He has a sporadic work history - spent a lot of time, years, out of work with no real motivation to get a job. Its the reason it took us so long to buy a house. I had lived with an ex partner and aline since i was 17 but moved back to my parents just as i got together with DH due to a split with ex. I planned to save up and rent somewhere. My plans changed to save and but with DH. It took years. Eventually i wa on a decent wage and he was working and we bought our house then married last year. He walked out of his job weeks later due to stress. I wasn't supportive but he did it anyway.

I have long since thought that he has some MH/depression/other issue. He has no friends, he has v.high expectations and standards. He is mildly obsessive. He hoards.

We get on brilliantly when we do get on. But those times seem fewer and further between. When we argue he gets so angry. I am not in danger or scared of him, but there is no reasoning with him. He said this morning 'oh well its obviously just my fault then' when often i think it is just him. He over reacts, he takes things personally, he us suspicious, he goes on and on about things that i wkuldn't even mention.

This morning - I was dropping him off at work. He usually takes himself but got me up to take him. Drove past 3 workmen 'up to no good' we had a bit of conversation about it, then he continued 'ranting' at me about them. I didn't respond after the first few times. This caused an arguement because of 'how i treat him'. He really went for it. Quite nasty. I don't care about the men. They were doing no harm and theres no sign of them now.

We have no children though have been trying. We don't go out as he is socially awkward and doesn't like most people. I go out with friends. Friends don't invite us as a couple, when they have he hasn't gone, even to the point of getting to the house then saying 'i'll just drop you off and go home'

He is constantly critical of everyone particularly my family. He is right in some ways but i don't want or need to hear him complain all the time. They are currently employing him enabling us to pay the mortgage.

I don't know what to do. I have changed. He has changed me. I wish it could be how it is when its goid. When its good i am happ and can cope with the difficult things.y. When its bad i feel like i have wasted my life waiting for him.

I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much. I probably couldn't manage here alone atm but possibly after our current fixed term expires as we have a high interest rate.

I know i should have dealt with all this sooner. We don't communicate welk and he is scathing of the idea of depression/mh issues. He heard on the radio a discussion about adult men with ASD / asbergers and just took this piss. My heart sank.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Oops, meant to post this on OP's subsequent thread.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

One thing I noticed in your previous thread, talking about the home you have
I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much.

That sounded so heartfelt, compared to how you talk about DH. You have tried, but you can't single-handedly revive this.

His constant moaning must drive you round the bend but I am still wondering how did he explain the stress that caused him to throw in his last job? After all he is scathing about MH and depression, so how come he was so afflicted he had to chuck in work? Let me guess - he never saw the need to elaborate, he went ahead anyway.

He's either in this marriage, or you’re out.

[FantasticButtocks]

wondered if my gp would think i was bonkers But when you think about it though, I'm sure you're not in the business of trying to impress your GP with your non-bonkersness! Who cares if your GP thinks you are bonkers? If he or she won't help you, change GP and keep going until you find someone who will!

if he didn't have these 'issues' But he does. Have those issues. And he is not even open to the idea of doing anything about them.

And he won't, until his issues cause intolerable things to happen in his life and he actually recognises that his issues have caused them to provoke him into making those changes, addressing those issues, climbing down off his high horse about MH and depression etc.

He may find you ending the relationship that intolerable. He may not.

[Jux]

Confusion, marking time waiting or hoping that things will change just doesn't work, hasn't worked and isn't going to work. The only way that things will change is if you change them (well, he's not going to change them, is he?).

You know what you need to do. It sounds like your mum will support you, you dad will help you, your friends will love you.

Be brave. Do it

[upupupandaway]

Well you know he wont get over it. He wont acknowledge there is a problem. Time is running out for you and you know what you have to do. Everyone of us has issues, but we deal with them don't we?
He doesn't and you have to take the decision for your future happiness and you know it doesn't involve him because he's selfish and doesn't give two hoots about your needs.

[confusion77]

No I don't think you have read it wrong jux

I am veering between emotions right now. Sadness at the moment. Anger at times.

He sounds dreadful as i describe things here but I know that if he didn't have these 'issues' we would be great. We have been before. But I am not at all sure that he can get past them now.

I have let things go for too long. And yes I do blame myself for that. Tbf to him he has brought up problems again and again but always in a way that was negative to me, I developed a habit of thinking 'just ignore and he'll get over it'.

[Jux]

He is a mill stone, isn't he? A wet blanket on your outlook and energy.

It really does sound like it's well and truly over from what you say and how you say it. I think you've been fed up for years and it may be that even if he does manage a change (which probably won't last long anyway) it will be too little too late. I apologise if I have read this all wrong.

[eddielizzard]

it is a massive shock to realise it's not you - it's him. you're looking at changing your life and that's great, although scary at the same time.

you can tell him what's bothering you, but it's up to him to act on it. you can't make him and you don't actually have to give him a chance. he's got to make some very big changes and it should be clear pretty quickly whether his heart is in it.

this is your life. you only live it once. have an honest think - if he did everything you want him to, would it work then?

[confusion77]

Tonight i am going to try to read through all of this again.

[confusion77]

I had already thought of that branching but wondered if my gp would think i was bonkers. I've been resisting going so far as i've a feeling he might sign me off which would be a relief but i:m not sure i want depression / stress on my work history.

[BranchingOut]

Also, why not get the fertility ball rolling with a visit to your GP for a referral? Your DH does not have to be involved in this. If you break up, then you would already be on waiting lists for treatment that you could eventually do with donor insemination.

[confusion77]

Again, thank you all.

I am hugely resentful of his giving up his job. He is currently doing a bit of work for my parents. d. Has always refused to sign on. I don't actually think he will have paid enough contributions. He doesn't have the same work ethic that me or my family have. I am taking all the overtime i can. Tomorrow i will work my normal office hours then 7pm -1am.

I do get more opportunity to do this but thats because I am a good worker, just basic stuff really but stuff he doesn't manage.

I am leaning towards having a talk, telling him the problems and giving him the chsnce to rectify them. I really don't think he will or can but at least i will have tried.

[BranchingOut]

One of the most useful things i have read on MN is that you do not need your husband/partner's permission to end the relationship.

I had a very bad time in my marriage a couple of years ago and, although better, it is still not the best. However, one very empowering thing I did was to go and see a solicitor (privately), which is free btw. At that point in time my mindset shifted from 'does he want to stay with me' to 'do I want to stay with him' and at the present I have made the choice that I do. It goes without saying that our son has a strong bearing on this decision.

You can decide to end the marriage. He does not have to like, agree with or even accept this - you will still be free.

PS. I recently went to a fertility clinic for some tests and, although I was 38 at the time, there were a number of women who appeared to be much older than me in the waiting room. There are all sorts of possibilities open to you.

[FantasticButtocks]

That all actually sounds like progress, Confusion. Thinking, having a revelation and changing your way of thinking about it is not 'doing nothing'. He knows something is up, because something is up now and your changes in behaviour towards him are registering with him. He is being meek. At some level he knows his behaviour is driving you away, he knows you are just about to stop tolerating all this.

As soon as you married him he felt able to make the unilateral decision to resign from his job... What on earth does he have to offer?

for you, while you're thinking all this through.

[willmama7]

P.s you sound lovely and I don't think there will be much time on that shelf for you. I think once you're free you'll be able to see this situation for what it is. As someone else suggested how about suggesting the break as a temporary measure, I think that's a great idea, it may just be the breathing space you need to give you courage in your convictions.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This is a shock for you.
You need some time for it to sink in and come to terms with it.
Then you can tackle it.
There's not real rush but the sooner you can get out the better for you and your MH.
I'm glad you have some RL support in your sister.
She can help you work through it to it's conclusion.

[willmama7]

You really will be ok if you leave him. You really will. We ladies have amazing coping powers when the situation actually arrives. There will be nights when you think you've done the wrong thing/everything's rubbish but a day or so later that feeling will be gone for a bit and eventually Those days will gradually get fewer and farther apart until you think thank goodness what was I ever thinking. People who have been keeping their distance will come out of the woodwork to help you. Something that helped me in a situation somewhat similar to you was 'it's better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard'. YOU WILL BE OK

[confusion77]

Thank you all. I really do appreciate all of your comments and advice.

It may sound ridiculous but I feel like i have just undergone some sort of revelation. Before, it was all about him being unhappy, complaining at me about silly things, and me judt carrying on and wishing he would stop.

It hadn't really entered my head that i would make a stand to change things/get him to leave.

What i am badly getting round to saying is that so far i have done nothing. We haven't had the talk. Although i have spoken at length to my sister about it to try to get it clear in my head.

I'm not just carrying on and the time will come but it feels very sudden (even though i know its not)

He knows something is up.

[VSeth]

How are you getting on?

I couldn't bring up the conversation with my ex about leaving. I went out and got drunk in the end and blurted it out.

[upupupandaway]

I understand how hard this must be for you OP. You've invested so much of yourself in this relationship and got nothing but grief in return.
You can still hold on to your hopes and dreams of what the future may bring but you must take hubby out of the equation as you know he's a bad investment.
At 37, you most likely can still have a child; you can have another relationship with someone deserving of you . Time isn't on your side re. babies, honestly I know of women having babies late in life, but they are the few fortunate ones.
Don't even consider giving him a second chance even though there may be mental health issues that are no fault of his own.
I inboxed you and told you my story. This isn't insurmountable, but a happy and fulfilling marriage with your man is.
Agree with hellsbells, you cannot fix him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It will be very hard but you will find the strength and courage.
How did it all go last night?

Do ask him to move out for a while to get yourself some head space.
You sound so worn down by him and that is not right.

Time for YOU now. You cannot fix him.

[upupupandaway]

I suspect you DH is unhappy in this marriage. You effectively took on the role of his mother/caregiver and by virtue of your forgiveness of his behaviour have made a rod for your own back.
He's a mummies boy and this is partly due to his oddities and his inability/ unwillingness to be a responsible adult.
I think you know in your heart that you must draw a line under this and move forward because there really is nothing you can do to redeem this unhappy situation.

[BlackDaisies]

You do! Leaving a relationship like that is so hard when you're in it. But when you're out of it, it's like seeing the world in colour again! 37 is young. Don't worry about being on your own. Focus on the peace of living how you would like to.

[confusion77]

I don't know if I have the strength or courage.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you sound absolutely great. Your friends clearly love you and I bet they are at a loss to figure out why you're still there.

The reason you should act fast now is simply because you've spent too long with him. He's sucking the life out of you. I have a feeling you would blossom if you were to live alone again.

I know how much you want a child; I would feel the same in your position. However, having a child with him would tie you to him for the rest of your life. I think that would be very unhealthy for you.

Set yourself free and live the life you want to live. Do it now.