Would really appreciate some thoughts/advice

[confusion77]

Have NC for privacy.

I feel like I have wasted my life. I am 37 and been with my husband for 13 years. We married last year. I am beginning to think we will be the couple that are together for ages then split soon after marriage.

I will try to give the background as facts. He lived with his parents until we bought our house 4 years ago. He has a sporadic work history - spent a lot of time, years, out of work with no real motivation to get a job. Its the reason it took us so long to buy a house. I had lived with an ex partner and aline since i was 17 but moved back to my parents just as i got together with DH due to a split with ex. I planned to save up and rent somewhere. My plans changed to save and but with DH. It took years. Eventually i wa on a decent wage and he was working and we bought our house then married last year. He walked out of his job weeks later due to stress. I wasn't supportive but he did it anyway.

I have long since thought that he has some MH/depression/other issue. He has no friends, he has v.high expectations and standards. He is mildly obsessive. He hoards.

We get on brilliantly when we do get on. But those times seem fewer and further between. When we argue he gets so angry. I am not in danger or scared of him, but there is no reasoning with him. He said this morning 'oh well its obviously just my fault then' when often i think it is just him. He over reacts, he takes things personally, he us suspicious, he goes on and on about things that i wkuldn't even mention.

This morning - I was dropping him off at work. He usually takes himself but got me up to take him. Drove past 3 workmen 'up to no good' we had a bit of conversation about it, then he continued 'ranting' at me about them. I didn't respond after the first few times. This caused an arguement because of 'how i treat him'. He really went for it. Quite nasty. I don't care about the men. They were doing no harm and theres no sign of them now.

We have no children though have been trying. We don't go out as he is socially awkward and doesn't like most people. I go out with friends. Friends don't invite us as a couple, when they have he hasn't gone, even to the point of getting to the house then saying 'i'll just drop you off and go home'

He is constantly critical of everyone particularly my family. He is right in some ways but i don't want or need to hear him complain all the time. They are currently employing him enabling us to pay the mortgage.

I don't know what to do. I have changed. He has changed me. I wish it could be how it is when its goid. When its good i am happ and can cope with the difficult things.y. When its bad i feel like i have wasted my life waiting for him.

I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much. I probably couldn't manage here alone atm but possibly after our current fixed term expires as we have a high interest rate.

I know i should have dealt with all this sooner. We don't communicate welk and he is scathing of the idea of depression/mh issues. He heard on the radio a discussion about adult men with ASD / asbergers and just took this piss. My heart sank.

If you have a child with him, you are tying your child to him for life. Your marriage would probably end and with time you wouldn't have to have much to do with him, but your child would always have that connection, whether he/she wanted it or not.

I think you should speak to your GP but acknowledge they can't say anything to you about him. They can listen, though, and will find it useful if they have to deal with him later.

Please get out of this relationship. You will feel like you're on holiday. It'll be as though your life has gone from sepia to full colour, with all your friends coming back to you and your home a peaceful place to live.

I do appreciate peoples honesty so don't worry about being harsh. Its been so easy to drift. I was sure we would part company the first year of having our house but we struggled on and things improved. We had lots of arguements at that time ehereas now it just feels like him arguing on his own.

eddie thank you for that. Simple as it is I couldn't think of it myself.

ooh gosh i think it's really hard when you're in it to think what to bring into the conversation. but i think if you do want to end it, the best thing is to not talk about why because you'll get into another argument that he will view as fighting for you to stay, whereas you are trying to end it.

i think if you have the conversation, stick to the fact that you want him out and the logistics of doing that. try not to be pulled into arguments or negotiations / compromise.

if you've made up your mind, then it's best to just stick to ending it.

very hard i know, because i have been there too. it's very hard to see the wood for the trees and how to actually start.

Entirely practical head on here - I see from a brief skim it's been mentioned above - how do you feel about using donor sperm to become pregnant?

Would thinking of that as an option help you become clearer about the option of leaving him?

Because it sounds as if that is the sticking point. And I totally understand that - I have children, I left it late, I was lucky... and my blood runs cold now to think of not having had them, and seeing friends who didn't and regret it. And so I actually completely understand your thought processes when you mention getting pregnant and then 'breaking' quite happily. Not ideal, but I can understand the way in which having children becomes the MOST important thing. In many ways, it absolutely is.

So if you are happy with the concept of raising a baby as a single parent, then think about donor sperm. The added advantage is that while you wouldn't have the other parent there at all, that can be a double edged sword...especially when the other parent is a misanthropic, shiftless pit of gloom and not much help with anything really.

How does this sound?

• Work out mortgage options as suggested upthread.
• Split, with a plan for you to stay in the house.
• Consider donor sperm and IVF (possibly with financial help from parents??)

It could be done.

Thanks Bruno (love the name btw)

I am very practically minded which has been my main reason for not having children yet. I just couldn't see how it would work.

He's just phoned me. I missed the first two as was riding but answered the third. He had got a lift home but couldn't get in. He asked if i was coming home soon and i said i had left a key out. He said thank you. Very meek.

Don't have a baby with this man, consider a donor.
I honestly think you can possibly save this marriage, you kept you part of the bargain but he has failed to keep his. He's cold, critical and selfish; he needs to grow a pair.
He does not take responsibility for his mental health and fails to seek professional help.
From what I can glean from your message you have always had a partner. Perhaps you need time to work things out on your own.
As for paying the mortgage you can always get a couple of lodgers .www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home

I lived alone for three years. Quite enjoyed it. I enjoy time to myself but rarely get it.

OP, your first sentence in your Op was this: I feel like I have wasted my life.

Perhaps it is time to move on now, so you don't waste a minute more. There is living to be done out there, and it sounds like you are ready to really want to live instead of just surviving/existing.

If he then goes and sorts himself out and gets better, you can always go back to him if that's what you still want. But by that time, if it comes, I expect you will have moved on.

A friend once gave me some good advice when I was struggling to make a big decision. She said don't be afraid to make a mistake. Not sure why that helped me decide what I needed to, but it did.

Best of luck

God i hate this. He was all meek on the phone yesterday. I got home and knew if I started chatting he would be ok and that would be that. But I didn't so he went and got in the bath for 2 hours just as i would normally cook dinner. I didn't cook dinner (i had a jacket spud) which I think surprised him a bit. No talk, he just went to bed. Has got up and gone to work.

I'm still in bed, should have been up an hour ago. I really feel like i need a break.

And so it will go on like this Op, the not speaking for fear of a row, the awful silent treatment, the dull existence of an awful relationship .

If you split it doesn't have to be for ever. Maybe if you think of it as a temporary arrangement it will make it easier for you.

OP, you sound absolutely great. Your friends clearly love you and I bet they are at a loss to figure out why you're still there.

The reason you should act fast now is simply because you've spent too long with him. He's sucking the life out of you. I have a feeling you would blossom if you were to live alone again.

I know how much you want a child; I would feel the same in your position. However, having a child with him would tie you to him for the rest of your life. I think that would be very unhealthy for you.

Set yourself free and live the life you want to live. Do it now.

I don't know if I have the strength or courage.

You do! Leaving a relationship like that is so hard when you're in it. But when you're out of it, it's like seeing the world in colour again! 37 is young. Don't worry about being on your own. Focus on the peace of living how you would like to.

I suspect you DH is unhappy in this marriage. You effectively took on the role of his mother/caregiver and by virtue of your forgiveness of his behaviour have made a rod for your own back.
He's a mummies boy and this is partly due to his oddities and his inability/ unwillingness to be a responsible adult.
I think you know in your heart that you must draw a line under this and move forward because there really is nothing you can do to redeem this unhappy situation.

It will be very hard but you will find the strength and courage.
How did it all go last night?

Do ask him to move out for a while to get yourself some head space.
You sound so worn down by him and that is not right.

Time for YOU now. You cannot fix him.

I understand how hard this must be for you OP. You've invested so much of yourself in this relationship and got nothing but grief in return.
You can still hold on to your hopes and dreams of what the future may bring but you must take hubby out of the equation as you know he's a bad investment.
At 37, you most likely can still have a child; you can have another relationship with someone deserving of you . Time isn't on your side re. babies, honestly I know of women having babies late in life, but they are the few fortunate ones.
Don't even consider giving him a second chance even though there may be mental health issues that are no fault of his own.
I inboxed you and told you my story. This isn't insurmountable, but a happy and fulfilling marriage with your man is.
Agree with hellsbells, you cannot fix him.

How are you getting on?

I couldn't bring up the conversation with my ex about leaving. I went out and got drunk in the end and blurted it out.

Thank you all. I really do appreciate all of your comments and advice.

It may sound ridiculous but I feel like i have just undergone some sort of revelation. Before, it was all about him being unhappy, complaining at me about silly things, and me judt carrying on and wishing he would stop.

It hadn't really entered my head that i would make a stand to change things/get him to leave.

What i am badly getting round to saying is that so far i have done nothing. We haven't had the talk. Although i have spoken at length to my sister about it to try to get it clear in my head.

I'm not just carrying on and the time will come but it feels very sudden (even though i know its not)

He knows something is up.

You really will be ok if you leave him. You really will. We ladies have amazing coping powers when the situation actually arrives. There will be nights when you think you've done the wrong thing/everything's rubbish but a day or so later that feeling will be gone for a bit and eventually Those days will gradually get fewer and farther apart until you think thank goodness what was I ever thinking. People who have been keeping their distance will come out of the woodwork to help you. Something that helped me in a situation somewhat similar to you was 'it's better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard'. YOU WILL BE OK

This is a shock for you.
You need some time for it to sink in and come to terms with it.
Then you can tackle it.
There's not real rush but the sooner you can get out the better for you and your MH.
I'm glad you have some RL support in your sister.
She can help you work through it to it's conclusion.

P.s you sound lovely and I don't think there will be much time on that shelf for you. I think once you're free you'll be able to see this situation for what it is. As someone else suggested how about suggesting the break as a temporary measure, I think that's a great idea, it may just be the breathing space you need to give you courage in your convictions.

That all actually sounds like progress, Confusion. Thinking, having a revelation and changing your way of thinking about it is not 'doing nothing'. He knows something is up, because something is up now and your changes in behaviour towards him are registering with him. He is being meek. At some level he knows his behaviour is driving you away, he knows you are just about to stop tolerating all this.

As soon as you married him he felt able to make the unilateral decision to resign from his job... What on earth does he have to offer?

for you, while you're thinking all this through.

One of the most useful things i have read on MN is that you do not need your husband/partner's permission to end the relationship.

I had a very bad time in my marriage a couple of years ago and, although better, it is still not the best. However, one very empowering thing I did was to go and see a solicitor (privately), which is free btw. At that point in time my mindset shifted from 'does he want to stay with me' to 'do I want to stay with him' and at the present I have made the choice that I do. It goes without saying that our son has a strong bearing on this decision.

You can decide to end the marriage. He does not have to like, agree with or even accept this - you will still be free.

PS. I recently went to a fertility clinic for some tests and, although I was 38 at the time, there were a number of women who appeared to be much older than me in the waiting room. There are all sorts of possibilities open to you.

Again, thank you all.

I am hugely resentful of his giving up his job. He is currently doing a bit of work for my parents. d. Has always refused to sign on. I don't actually think he will have paid enough contributions. He doesn't have the same work ethic that me or my family have. I am taking all the overtime i can. Tomorrow i will work my normal office hours then 7pm -1am.

I do get more opportunity to do this but thats because I am a good worker, just basic stuff really but stuff he doesn't manage.

I am leaning towards having a talk, telling him the problems and giving him the chsnce to rectify them. I really don't think he will or can but at least i will have tried.

Also, why not get the fertility ball rolling with a visit to your GP for a referral? Your DH does not have to be involved in this. If you break up, then you would already be on waiting lists for treatment that you could eventually do with donor insemination.