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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband saying he is leaving me during a row, but never does

31 replies

HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 16:40

Dh always threatens to leave me during an argument. He has packed his stuff once, but we managed to talk through it. However every time we row, he says i dont love him and there is no point continuing our marriage.

In three years, hes told me hes leaving about 8 times.

The last one was yesterday. I ve told him that i dont feel secure in our marriage as anytime we row he says hes leaving me.

We have been married 2 years and have a 19 month old child.

OP posts:
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 25/05/2014 16:45

Call his bluff. Next time he threatens to leave pack his bags for him and don't back down.
When he doesn't follow through he will realise that that argument will not work anymore.
If he does leave well you are well shot of him.

Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 16:48

Yesterday i looked him straight in the eye and told him that if he ever threatens to leave again then believe me hes going and he is not coming back.

His response was "well what am i going to say to you to make you listen to me?"

The thing is i can feel myself distancing away from him emotionally so that if he does leave i wouldnt be as hurt as i ve detached myself from him.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/05/2014 16:52

How much do you row and what about? Is it a regular occurrence, in which case why? Do you talk to each other?

I would be peed off too if my DH trotted this line out every time.

Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 16:54

We row every 4 months or so.

Dh is a workaholic and we row about his lack of involvement in family life.

Hes not a natural parent and i think he finds it hard to interact with dd

OP posts:
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 25/05/2014 16:55

Well he tells you he's leaving and doesn't folow through.
You have now told him that if he says it again-he's out.
You do know that you have to follow through with that don't you or you will be as bad as he is?

Could you not have a chat when you are both calm nad find out why he feels the need to threaten you like this and about how it now makes you feel?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2014 16:56

What did you say to his "well what am I going to say to make you listen to me?", OP? I'm interested because my husband really doesn't listen and it enrages me to the point of tears. If my packed bags were to hand at that point, I'd probably take them and go. I really love my husband and I listen to him; I want him to do the same. To be honest, I can understand (although don't agree with) threats because often they're borne of frustration, not lack of love.

What is happening that your husband feels that you aren't listening? Does he listen to you? Are you repetitively fighting over the same things with no way forward?

I now tell my husband that I'm not kidding around, I'm upset and I expect him to stop watching tv/doing what he's doing and listen to me. He has equal right to my attention to listen to him.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/05/2014 16:57

So does he recognise anything you are saying then or does he think he's right? Does he agree he works too much?

I have to say, next time I would be tempted to call his bluff. It's a horrible thing to threaten.

Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 16:58

I asked him about why he says it and he said its a defence mechanism.

Its his come back to make me listen as sometimes if i feel he is twisting what i say in a row then i will dis engage with him.

I know i have to follow it through, i dont want to though, but i will follow it through.

OP posts:
Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 17:02

He always plays the victim. Will not admit fault in anything.

I really want to feel secure with him, but i dont.

Dh is self employed so takes any work going as its a case of get it whilst its going because we dont know if there will be a quiet period

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2014 17:07

OP... Do you work? Does he feel under pressure to bring in all the family money and that's why he works so long? I have a friend who is self-employed, he says it's 'feast or famine' and has got worse. I don't see that as an excuse, just how it is.

Does he spend time with his daughter when he isn't working? What sort of a dad is he? I'm not suggesting that he is a good father, just that when your time is short and there's pressure of work there's a limit to the time available.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/05/2014 17:11

So does work take priority over everything? How much time does he spend with your child? What sort of dad is he?

Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 17:11

I do work but its the same business.

I do the childcare and house, dh runs the business.

When not working (a few hours in the evening) and i asked him to play with dd he just lies on the living room floor.

OP posts:
Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 17:13

Work is definitely priority.

It rules everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
HygieneFreak · 25/05/2014 17:14

He spends very little time with dd, doesnt do anything with her.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 25/05/2014 17:16

Set up your own successful business and watch the bemusement on his face when he realises he can't push you around any more and you are his equal.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 25/05/2014 17:23

omg op are you married to my husband? lol

work rules our family too and we have a 4 month old that he expects to be silent 24 hours a day in case he gets a work call (he has his own business ). every time we argue he tells me to pack my bags - as I have my own property which I rent out. in saner moments he admits he never means it.....but I am so sick of hearing it and makes me feel angry on my ds behalf. so......he said it again last Wednesday ....and guess what? I did!

he is full of remorse but I , however, am leading a stress free life with my gorgeous baby :-)

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 25/05/2014 17:24

Yep l think it's time you found your own income stream to give yourself a bit of independence and security.

Tryharder · 25/05/2014 17:26

Hmm. If he's providing for you all and is self employed then you may well have to accept that his work is very important.

I sense you would be complaining if he sat on his backside or insisted you find a FT job outside the home in order to contribute financially.

I agree that his threats to leave are very, very irritating but your complaints are unfair.

Joysmum · 25/05/2014 17:34

Work rules our family too. Trouble was, DH honestly through he was 'doing it for us' so I finally challenged him on it and said that does that mean if he didn't have us he'd work less? Of course he couldn't say that at all. So I said not to kid himself, the fact that I'm a SAHM has meant he can invest in the career he loves and that if he doesn't want to do the hours and just want to treat it as a 9-5 job then we'd rather he did that as we want his time, not his money. Needless to say nothing has changed although he keeps saying he'll cut back.

Isetan · 25/05/2014 17:35

Defense mechanism my arse! It's a STFU tool he has usee every three months and unsurprisingly it's eroded your feelng of security in your marriage. It's manapiulative and abusive and it isn't used to make you listen but rather obey. The only way this will stop is if you call his bluff, not just packing his bags but throwing his arse out. If you are rowing and there are unresolved issues, then now is the time to invest in counselling.

vaguelyoptimistic · 25/05/2014 17:40

Mine does exactly the same. Until, that is, tired of the threats I told him to go. Now instead he has decided to up the ante by threatening to kill himself. Or making veiled threats that he will take MY house away from me and my child by forcing me to sell it. Withdrawing from him protects my sanity but he can't understand why I am not all over him like a rash!! He's depressed apparently. Seems to be fine unless he's asked to participate in housework. You have my sympathy but no words of wisdom I'm afraid. Perhaps you can take some comfort from the knowledge that you are not alone and it's a well worn script. X

AdoraBell · 25/05/2014 17:46

I've had someone telling me he was leaving. I said "ok" .

A sibling had a DP threaten to leave. Sibling left the room, faffed about for 5 mins, went back and asked "are you still here? I thought you were going?"

In both cases the woud be leaver never threatened again. Call his bluff OP.

pregnantpause · 25/05/2014 17:56

Hmm. Just as a different perspective- I've threatened to leave dh a fair few times in arguments. I'm very emotional and honestly- in the moment i say it, I do want to leave him. I want to give up, I feel emotionally burnt out and helpless , fighting the same fights and getting nowhere. I have only left once, and obviously we reconciled. The fact is we have a wonderful relationship, and are madly in love, but when we fight which thankfully is rare it tends to spiral. I'm not emotionally abusive and it's not said to manipulate or get him to listen, it's that my emotions at the time are extreme and dark. We do always talk in the harsh light of the next day a bit more rationally and Both he and I apologise though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2014 18:26

I understand where you're coming from, pregnantpause.

lanbro · 25/05/2014 18:47

You appear to be married to my husband too, I could have written this word for word!

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