Husband saying he is leaving me during a row, but never does

[HygieneFreak]

Dh always threatens to leave me during an argument. He has packed his stuff once, but we managed to talk through it. However every time we row, he says i dont love him and there is no point continuing our marriage.

In three years, hes told me hes leaving about 8 times.

The last one was yesterday. I ve told him that i dont feel secure in our marriage as anytime we row he says hes leaving me.

We have been married 2 years and have a 19 month old child.

Pregnantpause, how would you feel if you were frequently on the receiving end of "I'm leaving"? You wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't fulfill a need.

OP, both you and your partner have needs not being met. It s time to start negotiating and compromising but you must know your boundaries and be prepared to defend them, before you initiate the 'talk'.

I would ask him why he feels you aren't listening to him. It might be that you're listening (and hearing) him perfectly fine, it's just that you aren't changing your own viewpoint (which is perfectly fine!!) - I wonder if he's expecting you to turn round and say "Oh I'm so sorry. I was being totally unreasonable, of course I don't have a problem and you were right all along." and whatever problem/difference you were arguing about magically disappears.

Bertie

That is exactly how it is!

Isetan- again I say it ,as , in the moment I mean it, but I apologise after having thought rationally outside of the intense emotion of an argument, and no it doesn't fulfil a need beyond expressing my feeling at the time. Dh says nasty things which hurt me too. I know that it's not a good thing to say, I'm not proud, but nor am I abusive. Arguments are never the right time to properly discuss marital issues. It's too charged a moment. I love my husband and he loves me. We talk about our issues properly to avoid or indeed after, an argument, like adults should, but let's be honest, unless I'm surprisingly unusual,arguments are not adult and compromising. They are pent and unreasonable. Otherwise they would've discussions. Sorry to derail the thread a bit.

Then you're not communicating effectively. If you can't sort it out between yourselves couple's counselling might be helpful. But it's not helpful to keep repeating the same argument, as you've seen, it leads him to feel so frustrated that he threatens something he doesn't mean (because he never does it!) - so he just continues to be unhappy about the situation - or is he happy about it but ignoring that you're unhappy about it? - nothing changes. The recurring argument leads to you feeling insecure because he's always coming out with things that you are confused as to what they mean - because he doesn't do it - I'm guessing he also then makes empty promises and/or you decide to drop the argument because of guilt but then continue to be unhappy about the situation.

There are two sensible outcomes, really - either it turns out you have incompatible worldviews and need to separate, or you can make a compromise which genuinely makes both of you happy.

The third outcome would be saddest - if you split up because you weren't able to communicate well enough to find out which of the first two it is. There's nothing wrong with deciding that the relationship isn't working out, of course still painful like any break up is but at least it's clean and understandable and healthier than constantly butting heads because you're not occupying the same headspace.