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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Children are too loud for my husband

43 replies

peppajay · 25/05/2014 08:34

Bank holiday again! I hate them means too much time with my naggi g hubby at home it's his birthday today and the kids have already driven him to distraction with their questions and excitement so he has gone out hopefully all day. He enjoys walking so will prob go for a really long peacef walk. He loves his own company and really doesn't like people so bring part of a family unit isn't for him. He blames the kids behaviour as they constantly rabbit on and unfortunately fight and argue. They don't really watch tv or DVDs and he gets cross because they are always in the vicinity he wZnts them in their room or watching tv!! He won't leave as be is exceptionally house proud and he loves the house and says it is my problem because I need to teach the kids to be quiet!! His solution is he just goes out at weekends and sees the kids first thing in the morning and will come back for an hour before bed time. He has a section of elder relatives that he cares for and he is fantastic with people over 70 but not with his own family he can't cope with!! Been like this for years so where do I go now!!

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 25/05/2014 08:37

The solicitors would be a good start. Get your free 30mins consultation.

anyoldname76 · 25/05/2014 08:38

Why have kids if he doesn't like them??

restandpeace · 25/05/2014 08:40

Tell him to sod off? What a horrible home for dcs to grow up
In.

weatherall · 25/05/2014 08:42

Such an obvious LTB.

Writing that down can you not see how emotionally damaging your home is for those DCs?

Emotional abuse is a form of child abuse.

Children shouldn't live with abusers.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/05/2014 08:45

Where do you go? Away from him!

Your poor children!

Doinmummy · 25/05/2014 08:45

Does he interact with his children at all? Do you have days out as a family ? How horrible for your children.

Doinmummy · 25/05/2014 08:47

Am I the only one to be a bit Hmm about him 'walking' all day?

Jellybellymummyofsix · 25/05/2014 08:48

In the name of God, re read your post!!

Think about your dc ffs!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 25/05/2014 08:50

Just wondering what 'advice' you were hoping for.....?

pilates · 25/05/2014 08:51

This doesn't sound a healthy relationship to bring up kids. Think you need to seriously think of separation. What are you getting out of this relationship?

CorporateRockWhore · 25/05/2014 08:52

You should change the thread title to "my husband is too much of a twat for my children."

meditrina · 25/05/2014 08:52

How old are the DC?

Has anyone else commented on their levels of rowdiness?

jenwa · 25/05/2014 09:05

Gosh this reminds me of being a childSad. My dad hated mess and was not a cuddly father (still had issues although better with grandchildren).
He worked shifts and we loved him being out but if he was in bed we has to have our toys downstairs and be quiet otherwise he would be so moody. Always had to tiptoe around him. Had to make sure we tidied up 100%, toys, clothes, food etc. It's obviously helped me in the way I am a clean freak now Blush but was not enjoyable as a child and I sometimes feel I can be similar with my children and have to take a deep breath and walk away when there's mess and not get cross with them as would hate for them to feel like I did.
We had to eat our dinner in certain ways. Elbows off the table, being fork to mouth not head down to fork, cut food up not properly etc etc. Somedays he was fine but he was a bit of a bully. Used to push it too far with play fighting etc. End up Chinese burning us or pretending to strangle us but actually hurting usHmm. Would say it was fun and he was being gentle.
Honestly was not a nice experience growing il with someone who was grumpy and didn't like kids being around. "Children should be seen and not heard" was what he used to say HmmShock
I would speak to your DH and tell him how it will effect their relationship with him. I'm still not close to my dad but have my own family now and they are my priority. I tolerate my dad but don't see him too much. Find it's easier that way!

SanityClause · 25/05/2014 09:08

I suspect your DC are trying to get his attention. Does he tell them off for being loud, and fighting? To them, any attention is better than none at all.

If he would chat to them, or engage in their games, or allow them to engage with his pastimes, then they would probably miraculously become quieter.

But he's not going to do that. He would rather blame everyone else, than actually admit it is him causing the problem.

You know all this though. And you know what you have to do. Go to a solicitor. Find out your legal position. Find out your financial position. Then when you confront him about the problem, you will be arguing from a position of strength.

I'm not saying LTB. I am saying be prepared to, if he won't take responsibility for his actions.

PickledPorcupine · 25/05/2014 09:10

You need to ask him if he expects to have a relationship with them when they're older. If he does he needs to understand that he needs to be building the foundations now and cannot just pick up when they're old enough that they don't annoy him.

If you really hate having him around then you need to be asking yourself why he is and is the marriage working?

eurochick · 25/05/2014 09:21

Why on earth did this man have a child let alone more than one?

CrabbyBlossomBottom · 25/05/2014 09:35

Since when does not liking the sound of noisy, bickering and fighting children become child abuse? Confused

How old are the children OP? Can you arrange a day out so that they are expending some energy outside? Obviously children shouldn't be banished to their rooms all the time, but expecting them to go and amuse themselves (preferably quietly) in their rooms for a while, depending on age, doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

purplemurple1 · 25/05/2014 09:41

In your other thread you mention your son has aspergers - do you think your husband has aspergers as well - it could explain some of his behaviour esp needing alone time and quite.

Routines and set responsibilities, and space and time for everyone to get some quite time should really help if that's the case.

winkywinkola · 25/05/2014 09:43

Is it bad bickering? Constant?

He should be sorting it out rather than skiving off parenting.

How have you let him get away with this?

I would sit him down and spell out that a certain level of noise is to be expected. A certain level of mess is to be expected but everything is washable and can be tidied up.

What

SquidgyMummy · 25/05/2014 09:51

Are they his bio children? I was wondering if you are recently married, and he is not used to children.
If they are his he sounds nuts.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 25/05/2014 10:03

He loves his own company and really doesn't like people so bring part of a family unit isn't for him

he gets cross because they are always in the vicinity he wZnts them in their room or watching tv

He won't leave as be is exceptionally house proud and he loves the house and says it is my problem because I need to teach the kids to be quiet!!

He has a section of elder relatives that he cares for and he is fantastic with people over 70 but not with his own family he can't cope with!

Bloody hell, where do you see him improving because he sounds appalling!

Jellybellymummyofsix · 25/05/2014 10:05

Op, I read your other thread.

There is a massive difference between a house with NT dc & SN dc...iI've got 2 dc with ASD.

You have one issue of managing your dc needs in a realistic manner appropriate to the needs of the dc.

The other issue is your husband...

Sassyb0703 · 25/05/2014 10:10

Agree with Crabby, not being comfortable with child bickering/fighting is not child abuse. Leaving the house is his way of dealing with it without shouting/beating children. Not every parent can smile benignly whilst DC knock the shit out of each other and screech at top of their voices...I have 3 dc and 4 ds c, 5 of whom are civilised human beings, the youngest 2 are still poking, fighting and screaming at the age of 11 and 13. It drives me up the fucking wall and I do the same a OP dh and remove myself before I blow my top..my dc have never behaved like this, I cannot recall them EVER hitting each other, don't get me wrong, they aren't saintly, they just have never done it and therefore I am not used to it. DH thinks it's perfectly normal as this is how all four used to behave when he lived with ex wife, but has commented that they should probably be 'growing up' now. My advice to OP is to ask someone who is prepared to be brutally honest, if the childrens behaviour is off the scale, if so, then that needs to be addressed. If not then I would suggest a good lawyer, because it's his behaviour that it's unacceptable !

pictish · 25/05/2014 10:19

He sounds like a total misery guts to me, and entirely unsuited to family life.
He's all shades of nope to me.

pictish · 25/05/2014 10:22

I agree he sounds appalling. This is not a case of tweaking the situation or fucking compromise here...this is a clear case of unrealistic, overbearing, disengaged selfish cunt.