Children are too loud for my husband

[peppajay]

Bank holiday again! I hate them means too much time with my naggi g hubby at home it's his birthday today and the kids have already driven him to distraction with their questions and excitement so he has gone out hopefully all day. He enjoys walking so will prob go for a really long peacef walk. He loves his own company and really doesn't like people so bring part of a family unit isn't for him. He blames the kids behaviour as they constantly rabbit on and unfortunately fight and argue. They don't really watch tv or DVDs and he gets cross because they are always in the vicinity he wZnts them in their room or watching tv!! He won't leave as be is exceptionally house proud and he loves the house and says it is my problem because I need to teach the kids to be quiet!! His solution is he just goes out at weekends and sees the kids first thing in the morning and will come back for an hour before bed time. He has a section of elder relatives that he cares for and he is fantastic with people over 70 but not with his own family he can't cope with!! Been like this for years so where do I go now!!

My husband is a bit like this and it has transpired he has aspergers characteristics. It is incredibly difficult living with someone like that, very lonely and I often feel bullied and constrained by his millions of rules which I fight against daily.

He is better with the kids when I give him bitsize feedback on specific incidents as a blanket you need to change doesn't work. My husband has learnt cooking, gardening and watching sports with the kids are doable, cope able and yes can be enjoyable. I suggest you find 1 activity your DH enjoys and then work out how to do it as a family. If it is walking what about a Sunday walk in a nearby beauty spot all together. That way the kids expend energy, get to interact with their father and it's healthy.

I also talked to my husband about what Terry Waite ( hopefully you will know who I mean) said about surviving in captivity and it was those repetitive memories of childhood occasions which allowed him to dwell with pleasure on his life to date . We are big in our family now on repetitive experiences which can be simple eg every year daddy and the kids carve pumpkins for Halloween, and we go trick and treating, every Easter DH and the kids make simnel cake. This appeals to my husbands sense of order/ need for control in that he knows what we are doing on key dates as a family through the year and it makes it more cope able for him and we enjoy stress free time together as a family as a result. It's hard work but worth it to see my DC have a good relationship with him. Hope that helps good luck

I don't see why he thinks they are your responsibility. Is it an unequal marriage? Is he sexist? Why not leave them with him every other weekend so he can bring them up how he wants and see if he can improve them?

Can you get your DH to take one child in turn, then the other.

Bickering DCs are hard work, forming a relationship with one DC at a time is much easier.

Great advice from Headofthe.

this is a clear case of unrealistic, overbearing, disengaged selfish cunt.

As always, am impressed by the MNers who manage to know everything about a person/situation from a few lines on a fucking page.

I just looked up your past threads OP, as someone here mentioned another thread where you mention that your DS has Aspergers. What came up on searching your nickname were numerous threads where you've commented and said how challenging your child's behaviour has been for years (I didn't read all the threads, just your recent one, so apologies if I'm drawing too many conclusions). My DD has AS so I know that can be hard. As someone mentioned upthread, does your DH have traits of AS? I certainly do, to the point where I am currently considering getting assessed. One of my many aspie traits is that I have a hypersensitivity to sound, mainly high pitched sound. If a child screams near me it physically hurts me and I have to stuff my fingers in my ears and leave immediately if they don't stop. I think people who aren't hypersensitive to noise don't realise how unbearable it is for those who are. I find children bickering, constantly talking/asking questions and making noise, very stressful indeed and I certainly couldn't tolerate it all day. Obviously that makes me an unrealistic, disengaged, selfish cunt though.

At 6 and 7 (I see from your other thread), they are quite old enough to go to their rooms and play quietly or read a book from time to time, and also quite old enough to be learning not to interrupt a conversation between adults with constant questions and derailments.

It sounds like your parenting styles are so different that your DH has just given up and wants to stay out of the way as much as possible. I agree with Head that finding something that he can do with the children would be a really good start, preferably one on one so that they're not bickering and competing for attention. What are the children's interests? Could he take them on a nature walk? Swimming? It's ok for parents to parent differently, I think - kids are smart enough to figure out that people are different and that what they can get away with with one parent/adult, they can't with another. The problem comes when they see/sense that they are causing a rift/ problems between the parents, I think.

Could you sit down with your DH and have a frank, non-blaming discussion about what he thinks he could do to improve his relationship with his children?

The way I see it, it's not a sin not to be able to cope with children being children. Some people simply can't. And he has found a coping strategy that seems to work for him.

The problem I see is with him blaming you for their behaviour. He should be parenting them as well, not blaming you.

So, I'd put firmly responsibility on his shoulders as well. He needs to find ways of compromising and teaching the children to be quieter around him as part of a team.
If he was a single parent he wouldn't be able to leave them for the day, would he? Or would he give up as well?

There are strategies you both can follow as parents. He could engage them in quiet games, even taking them for those walks, where they can release their energy and be less on him. It will get worse as he distance himself from them.

Will he at any time give you some free time from the family as well?

At this point, I think I'd be the one telling him I was going for a walk and hand him responsibility for taking care of the children for a while.

The ultimate result may well be LTB, but I'd try other strategies before.

X-posted with Nocomet about the one-on-one thing. I do think that that could be key... You do a nice activity with one child, he with the other. More harmonious family time can come later when the family dynamic has improved a bit.

Wow. I can see things from your DH's point of view - I hate child noise (when they get really loud and squeally) and I don't like people around me for too long. I'm a loner at heart and need my space.

BUT - I would never, ever expect my children to adjust their behaviour, or for DH to "control" them because of my personal issues. I just grit my teeth, go upstairs to play on my phone for a few minutes if it gets too much, or like your DH, go out for a walk/run if I need to. It's my issue, I need to manage it, not my children, not my DH, and your DH is being completely unreasonable, entitled and arrogant to expect the rest of the family to adjust to him instead of the other way around.

You need to let him know how unfair he is being, and that you expect him to start managing his own issues himself rather than putting that burden on you and your children.

My DH is a bit like this. Although h doesn't expect me to deal with the DCs on my own, and he does spend quite a lot of time with them.

However he struggles with the noise, the Bering needed, the somewhat manic 'childish' behaviour. I have often thought he has a lot of ASD traits. Its not just with the DCs. He struggles with family gatherings, work events, tbh its a wonder we ever got married as weddings are the punacle of torment to him! He is a lovely man in many way, but as you say OP, I don't think he really likes people!

He regularly slopes off for a bit of peace and quiet. He'll come on holiday for instance with friends and family but needs some alone time each day, and will sometimes just wander off if it all becomes to much. He also spends as lot of time on household projects that he does on his own.

I think finding coping methods as head suggests is the way forward. But OPs DH has to be prepared to try, and to recognise the problem, and not to hold OP to blame for the DCs behaviour.

He can't be left alone with them because he will just flip out if something happens like they spill a drink or they start arguing. I think he is scared that if he is in sole charge and something flipped inside his head he would just walk out. He can do and often does do one to one time with each child and works perfectly as they are not both having to fight for his attention!! He is definitely somewhere on the ASD spectrum but refuses to believe in it and just thinks our son is naughty and immature! I am trying to get my son to ride a bike without stabilisers and because of his issues he is finding it really hard and is taking ages but he won't help because he thinks he is just being pathetic! I admit life is calm and easy during the week very little stress and my downs just happens at weekends. Think like someone else said I will consult a solicitor to see what my options are. He won't budge I know and hewon't have any interest in having the kids for visits so I need advice really on how I find somewhere for me and the children to live and how the finances will work as he supports us financially!

Sounds like a miserable life for all concerned.

He won't be interested in the kids coming to visit? That is really sad.

As I said in my pp, I often feel like your DH, but his steadfast refusal to acknowledge any problems either with himself or with your DS means misery for everyone, as others have said.

If he is genuinely so detached from his own family that you don't think he'd care if you were all gone, then I would urge you to leave. Aside from your own self-esteem and sanity, it must be so hard for those poor children to keep pouring love and affection on a man who refuses to return it and doesn't want anything to do with them. The damage must be enormous. At least if he's out of their lives the rejection won't be right in their faces all the time.

Good luck.

Do you 'gang up' with your children against your husband, OP? I mean in a 'Come away with me darlings your father's being horrid', kind of way without checking their behaviour at all?

I think that children have every right to be children and a certain amount of noise comes with that BUT it doesn't give them the run of the house and the right to let loose with shrieking. From your posts it sounds pretty constant. What about the fighting and arguing? That would drive me insane and I'm pretty tolerant. Do all of your children make a rumpus? I'm asking because I grew up in a very noisy and boisterous household (three younger brothers) and I was often to be found in a cupboard trying to get away from the racket.

It is sad that you think your husband wouldn't want contact but I think that if he perceives that the children wouldn't benefit from it - and you wouldn't care - then it's understandable. Does he know how serious you feel about all this? Do you still love each other, spend time talking together as a couple?

What has been described on this thread isn't 'child abuse' in my opinion; it's 'family disconnect' and that is fixable if you and your husband can work out a way of making it happen.

I meant to add - whether you stay together or not - it would benefit the children to have a good relationship with both of you.

What was he like before you had children ? did you notice any of these traits? Did you discuss having children?

It sounds a miserable set for everyone .

*set up

Do go see a solicitor, as you are married and the primary/only carer for the children, then I can't see you losing the house. He might not want to leave, but he can only slow, not end a divorce, worth having a chat about your options sooner rather than later. It's really not nice for your DCs to live like that.

Sadly, you know he's not going to want any access, right? Well, possibly when they are teenagers, by which point they won't give a shit about him. Make sure you don't let him claim you won't let him see them, spel it out, get offers for access in writing that you can show the DCs when they grow up if they believe crap about you not letting him see them...

Like your husband, I too like a bit of my own space. We all do. It is also my birthday today. And yes, a part of me would love to be on a tropical beach, reading a book, alone. Bliss.

But I am a parent and despite my son projectile vomiting in the car, I am having a lovely day. Your dh needs to take a long, hard look at himself. He is opting out of family life. Did you force him to have children?

The dc will grow up very distant from him. There is and will be no real relationship. What a lonely existence. As parents, I'm sure most if us on munsnet would like a little bit of peace and quiet every now and then. But this is extreme.

Will he consider counselling to explore why he has such a poor attachment to his own dc?

He sounds a right bore give him his cards