Feel like DH has been kidnapped with a changeling in his place

[Shockedisanunderstatement]

I have name changed, mainly out of embarrassment as I have previously written about my 'fantastic' husband. My DH has always been very good and kind, but over the last week (we have been together 15 years with two children aged 4 and 1) he has announced that he is going to keep half his wages for himself. I am a SAHM who relies on him completely to pay for everything - mortgage, bills, groceries.... I can't believe he would do this to me, and his family!! He also said if he progresses any further in his career the he will keep any extra that he has earned. I can't believe he would do this to his children.

He also is drinking very heavily lately, and he gets extremely verbally abusive. This is a very recent thing (within the past three months) as before he used to almost never drink.

I doubt very much there is another woman, but cannot guarantee it. He does work very hard at his job but recently seems to resent providing for his family and me.

I don't think I can forgive this. He had promised when I was pregnant with DD1 that he would ALWAYS give everything to us, his family. Now he is reneging on that, I feel he has betrayed us.

I told him I wouldn't stay with him if he tried this on, and he said that I am obviously only with him for his money!!!! Is he stupid?? WHY would I stay with a man who promised to provide for his children (and I gave up MY career when he said that) only to take it all back?! Are they supposed to live in poverty while he lives it up??

I was in absolute shock yesterday when it all came out. I went from thinking I had a good husband to thinking that he has turned into a complete selfish idiot almost overnight.

I don't really know what advice I am asking....I suppose I am just utterly confused as to why this man could so quickly change like this. I feel like I have never known him and if he doesn't do something to make COMPLETE amends, then I know I will leave. No way will I put up with this!

I think it is an OW situation, either that or the aliens really have taken your DH away and replaced him.

Seriously, I would say nothing more until you have taken legal advice.

Is there any other reason, I wonder, to account for his total change of attitude? Could he be depressed? Could he have gotten into debt and thinks this is one way of paying it off without telling you?

I think theres OW too

I too would suspect either another woman or a breakdown.

Be really calm and ask if he's ok?

I'd suspect mental health issues here, long before an affair. The totally out of character heavy drinking sounds like he's self-medicating (ineffectively).

It doesn't sound like he'd take kindly to any suggestion that he talks to his GP at this point though, so I'm not sure what you can do.

Myroom thank you for replying. When I pressed him he said he is fed up that he does not have a disposable income anymore...he used to have some quite expensive hobbies like cycling and golf, and I know he misses them. I told him he is not a single man...he has responsibilities!!!

The night before he said all this, he got horribly drunk and tore me to shreds in front of friends...he told dreadful lies but also betrayed my confidence in many ways. He told them things about me I never ever thought he would disclose, things I had told him in confidence, as I thought his loyalty was to me. :(

I did think by threatening me financially, he was perhaps trying to take away from the fact he had hideously betrayed me to my friends.

Sorry to drip feed...I am kind of thinking out loud.

Myroom I have definitely not ruled out another woman. I don't THINK this is the case but I know enough to say I cannot be 100% certain!!

I agree with a MH issue.
Is he ever approachable at the moment? Maybe you should try to find a time to talk to him, when he hasn't been drinking and seems relaxed to. Tell him you're worried about him, talk about how wonderful he really is and ask what's changed.
It sounds like a horrible situation for you.

I think there is some debt going on. Can you see his accounts? What's going in and out? It sounds to me like there's some serious debt accumulating somewhere and he doesn't want to tell you so he's going to use some of the money to pay them off.

He is being extremely unfair. I am a sahm and dh and I share all money and have equal spending money. If he suddenly turned round and said he was keeping half of his money I would be saying he could use it to pay for a solicitor to divorce me. Well after some serious talks anyway. All money is family money in my mind.

I hope you get to the bottom of things.

Sounds like it could be both.

A take legal advice.

B is there enough that you can ask him what he most misses so that he can do it? Young children can put s huge strain on things and perhaps he needs a break. And perhaps you do too. So you could negotiate each having z bit if time and money to yourselves? Not easy, but might help.

If not a OW, a new friend - there was a post about a DH who turned into a right tit since hanging out with his new younger, single friend?
Maybes he's thinking 'I never have any of MY money left because of XYZ.' And his mate will be 'encouraging' that mindset.

Men can be so unbelievably stupid can't they?

Thanks so much everyone for your replies!! You have given me so much to think about...I was thinking he had turned into an ignorant pig but now I see he might have some stuff going on. If it is debt or MH, then of course I will support him no end...ok, he is back tomorrow (out with friends tonight) and so I will ask him very calmly what is going on here!! This is just not like him at all!!!

I will come back to update!!

Honestly...thank you all!!

I agree with Bagofbags. This doesn't scream OW to me but some kind of mental health issue. You need to try and talk to him when you're both calm, haven't had a drink, kids are in bed so no distractions and ask him what's going on, is he really stressed, depressed, maybe see if you can talk him into seeing a doctor.

Hairy, most of his friends are single with no children - mmmnnnn...you might have a point there!! I know he does feel burdened down at times with responsibility for everything.

Well, whether it's mental health, another woman or debt, things can't continue this way and you need to tell him that. You and the children can't be his punching bag for his issues.

So, you need to speak to him, calmly, and when he is calm, as has been suggested already. Outline your concerns over the changes in his behaviour and ask if he could please explain calmly why he feels this way. I know it will be hard, and he might start yelling, etc, but try your best to be as calm and rational as possible. Suggest a visit to a GP, ask to see the bank statements (if you don't already have access). BUT, make it very clear that him continuing this way is a deal-breaker for you.

Oh, and start looking for jobs and squirreling away money in your own bank account.

This sounds like a nightmare situation, good luck!

Agree with OW or depression. Have a look here and see if it adds up. My experience with DH was that this was absolutely textbook when "aliens took him".

depressionfallout.org/symptomsofdepression.php

I actually don't think it is OW.
I think it could be stuff at work, pressure, debt or a bit of a mid life crisis thing.

I think talking to him is the only way you can get answers OP.

Hope you can work it out.

I think you can only react to what he has told you.

The thing in front of his friends is horrible. Alot of people do attack as the best form of defense, especially of they have a whole lot of guilt and resentment with that person.

How did all this get left? What does he expect you to do now he's said all this stuff?

How is your spending? Is he resentful because you spend a lot on non-essentials? just a thought.......what I'm getting at is has it been the subject of rows and is he trying to prove a point?

For him to have changed so drastically so suddenly there has to be an underlying reason/issue, it can't be that he can't afford expensive hobbies anymore surely? Drinking heavily is also expensive.

OP you need to find out what has caused this sudden change, but there is no point asking when he is drunk, you can't reason with drunks. Is there anyway you could get someone to have your children during the day so you can sit down and ask him when he is sober? Even if you have to go to a neutral place like a coffee shop?

How awful for you when he behaved so appallingly in front of your friends, I am sure they will have felt equally embarrassed for you and wonder what prompted this change in him too, can you confide in any of them?

If it's not debt or an OW, is he in trouble at work?

If you could get him to a doctor to assess his health that would be great, but from what you've said I doubt he'd go.

How do you think he would react if you said you were not prepared to put up with this and wanted a divorce? If you did divorce he would have to support you and the children and would have even less of his precious money to spend on himself.

I hope you manage to sort something out, it must be awful for you and your children.

Minion, thank you so much for that!! That is him right now. He just hasn't been himself at all.

Thanks Annie...I am definitely going to start looking for jobs, because the feeling I had yesterday that I am TOTALLY reliant on someone else is something I don't like at all!!

Yes, I am going to talk to him. Thanks Funny, and everyone who has replied. He and I are going to take DDs to a cowboy family thing tomorrow so hopefully it will go well and when we come back we can talk, calmly and with understanding!

Thank you again everyone...you all have helped me so much!! x

Regardless of the cause, this behaviour cannot continue. Heavy drinking, verbal and emotional abuse, threats of financial abuse are unacceptable. He needs to sort himself out. You could point out to him that if he keeps behaving like a twat, he'll have a hell of a lot less disposable income than he does now if he ends up paying for a divorce settlement and child maintenance.

It is a really big responsibility being the sole financial provider to a family, it is easy to say at the beginning of a marriage and before children that you will provide wholly for your partner and children. My Husband enjoyed our double income existence before the children and I believed that when we had our children I would be able to give up work to look after my child but I felt my Husband went back on this word and I had to continue working in the City whilst a childminder looked after my child. My Husband was OK as he worked locally and could pick her up before tea and spend a good few hours with her but I didn't get home until after tea and just before bath/bed. I got the grumpy tired child and he got the playful child. I resented him immensely. I'd spend my evenings once she was in bed doing housework and getting ready for the following morning's rush to the childminder/train station. He was OK as he still had his hobby that enabled him to have an evening 'out' and a Saturday away from the family but I was on a treadmill that I couldn't get off. It wasn't until after this period of time and before the birth of my second child that I realised that the misunderstanding had been my own, I had heard what I wanted to hear and he hadn't actually said that I could give up work and had actually just said that we could start a family. Thankfully I was able to take voluntary redundancy before my second child was born and this, along with a share save scheme, gave us the financial security for me to have the next five years away from the workplace. Throughout my absence from the workplace my husband found being the sole financial provider stressful and it wasn't until I returned to work part time that he relaxed a little. I wasn't one of these Mums that continues spending like she's earning and having coffee mornings in Costa! Even now he emphasises to friends and family that I don't have to work but the reality is that I do have to work to help cover our expenditure. I think they would love to provide solely for their families but in reality in today's financial climate the reality is different. Suggest to him that you get a part time job to cover luxuries, don't say day to day expenditure as this will make him feel inadequate but hopefully this will help him relax a little. Now when I think back I feel really sorry for my Husband and the stress that he went through, we're supposed to be a team.

My first thought was gambling I'm afraid. I could see the drinking starting as the gambling / losses got out of control and then the drastic announcement re wages as he tries to find ways to supplement the gambling / cover the losses etc. The two problems could then feed off each other I guess. I'd be checking for loans / re-mortgages etc.

No idea if it's plausible but that's what sprang to mind. Sorry.

Misc...I went to bed last night at six - couldn't bear to be with him in the living room!

Emotion, everyone at work likes him tremendously - the bosses put him forward for promotion every few months and that is why I think he was trying to scare me by saying he would withhold his wages if he got promoted from now on....he obviously will and will be earning a lot!!

I don't think he is detaching from our family...he has no parents or siblings and I know his heart would break if he lost us. He has nothing really outside of us that he really cares about.