Feel like DH has been kidnapped with a changeling in his place

[Shockedisanunderstatement]

I have name changed, mainly out of embarrassment as I have previously written about my 'fantastic' husband. My DH has always been very good and kind, but over the last week (we have been together 15 years with two children aged 4 and 1) he has announced that he is going to keep half his wages for himself. I am a SAHM who relies on him completely to pay for everything - mortgage, bills, groceries.... I can't believe he would do this to me, and his family!! He also said if he progresses any further in his career the he will keep any extra that he has earned. I can't believe he would do this to his children.

He also is drinking very heavily lately, and he gets extremely verbally abusive. This is a very recent thing (within the past three months) as before he used to almost never drink.

I doubt very much there is another woman, but cannot guarantee it. He does work very hard at his job but recently seems to resent providing for his family and me.

I don't think I can forgive this. He had promised when I was pregnant with DD1 that he would ALWAYS give everything to us, his family. Now he is reneging on that, I feel he has betrayed us.

I told him I wouldn't stay with him if he tried this on, and he said that I am obviously only with him for his money!!!! Is he stupid?? WHY would I stay with a man who promised to provide for his children (and I gave up MY career when he said that) only to take it all back?! Are they supposed to live in poverty while he lives it up??

I was in absolute shock yesterday when it all came out. I went from thinking I had a good husband to thinking that he has turned into a complete selfish idiot almost overnight.

I don't really know what advice I am asking....I suppose I am just utterly confused as to why this man could so quickly change like this. I feel like I have never known him and if he doesn't do something to make COMPLETE amends, then I know I will leave. No way will I put up with this!

Thanks again Emotion (you really have been wonderful to me tonight and I cannot tell you how much that means to me!!) and Waffly..yes it is opaque. He does hand money over and I deal with everything. he used to like that but now....no.

Mystic, it is possible. He does like online poker, I know that much!!! BUT...I don't think so. I think he feels burdened by his responsibility yet useless as well.

And on that note I am definitely going to sleep!!!!!! Still so tired after this week.

Thanks to everyone!! The women on this board are life savers so thank you!!!!!!! x jillion

Having someone else deal with all the money is, on the one hand, a practical solution but, on the other, rather demeaning and infantilising. I was once in a similar relationship (I didn't have full control but was the 'responsible one' trying to steer things so we didn't go broke) and it ended up being a catastrophic source of resentment. He also turned up the booze consumption and became extremely belligerent.

Aw thanks Shocked, I hope it helped, I am always lurking around and stay up VERY late and always willing to listen and chat.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for the best for all of you

Maybe his job isn't so secure as he has has led you to believe, and he is worrying about the future and the whole lot crashing down. Hence the " I'm going to save half" and not wanting to tell you because up til now its been easy and it might be really hard to say " actually, its not so amazing and there may be trouble ahead"

You could say great, here's what we spend, here's what's over, so let's put it in joint account.

But the drinking- he has to knock that on the head. Seriously, its a road to ruin.

Cogito I agree it can be infantalising in some instances, there is a fine line to tread. In our case it works, we are a team and use one another's strengths to make life easier. We discuss everything and decide jointly, although I will admit I can be a bit bossy at times (ooh that was painful to admit!)

emotions - I didn't mean to imply that it's inevitable that men lose respect for their partners when they become SAHMs. My Dad always said it's the most important job in the world (my own Mum was a SAHM), and he completely meant it!

Maybe it's partly a generational thing. I have just seen the way some SAHMs (especially on this particular board) describe their relationships, and their men treat them terribly. It can't always have been like that, or the relationships would never have gotten off the ground.

The bottom line is that Shocked is bringing something different, but equally valid, to the relationship. Her DH has no more or less right to feel resentful than she does.

Something has obviously happened for the status quo to have changed so drastically.

But even if he has genuine worries about money etc, what would still trouble me most is the outburst you described where he had a massive go at you in front of / to your friends. That is just not on at all, and indicates either a moment of extreme mental disorder, or a very worrying source of resentment that is building up towards you. I'm all for understanding the pressure he feels and so on, but that shouldn't be brushed aside. He owes you an apology and explanation for that.

I think you sound pretty clued up and eyes open to know there is something at the root of this and its good to be thinking about the future. I think maybe 'midlife crisis', depression or ow.

My ex, 13 years together married 10, just changed into someone I didn't know literally in the space of a few weeks. Finances were tight as I worked part time in a stressful job. I got a new job to start in sept full time so money would have been no issue at all but befote then whatever he had lost in us couldn't come back.

There was no ow and still isn't after 6 months separated. But he changed as u say. I think it led to depression. He was around people at work who were separating too and questioning their relationships and I think it made him do the same.

I so wish u well and hope it is something u cab sort out together if that is what u want

Japanese sorry if I worded my reply badly, I was agreeing with you and musing whether it was a generational shift, I find it totally baffling to be honest.

You are 100% right shocked's contribution to the family is equally valid and equally worthy of respect and admiration. The total and utter change in her DH is shocking.

So sorry to hear all this Shocked.

I think it could possibly be a general breakdown which could include several or all of these problems together. He has had an extremely traumatic experience as a teenager and has a high-pressure job. There could be depression leading to things like gambling, drinking and possibly an OW. It's common for a depressed person to decide their partner is the problem as they think that can be fixed by seeing someone else or divorcing.

(Obviously this is all just speculation and furthermore whatever he is suffering from, it does not justify treating you badly. That site linked to below, Depression Fallout, has a talk forum which is extremely helpful in clarifying that, should you need it.)

You need to get to the bottom of it. When you can talk calmly and clearly explain that you and your DC can't be treated like this, and you are worried about him and want him to tell you what's wrong and you promise to listen so you can sort it out together. If stress or mental health look like an issue he needs to get to the GP.

Yes it could be "just" an affair but it sounds more like a crisis.

I really think you both need to sit down and talk ( if he will). There are so many reasons as to why he has reacted like this. Try the sandwich technique too when talking to him , good/ bad/ good.
hopefully it can all be worked out. Can you access your accounts online?
Tell him that trying to save is a great idea and let's try and work something out TOGETHER but what are WE saving for? A holiday? security?uni for the kids? You need equal access to the accounts or your going to have alot of what ifs
Also if he is depressed then exercise can really help. OK so golf every weekend isn't an option but is there a way to budget in his hobbies, Can he do a bit a cycling or change to running in the evening? If he wants to go to golf how about stop the grog/poker? and use that money for golf?
Have a chat about spends or a slush fun for all of you, him ,you and the kids. (so that the kids stuff doesn't end out of your pot).
You both need to sit down and go through your accounts so you both feel more in control. So far his hobbies or extras are poker, boozing, cycling and golf. How about you and the kids?

All the above is pointless if he won't talk :( goodluck

No worries, emotions - we are on the same page!

Id suspect an OW, and boredom/resentment with being 'trapped' into family life. Gambling is also possible as an addition.

I fail to see why in so many cases, people are quick to diagnose mental health issues. Why? Since when is pisstaking by a man who knows his wife is now totally financially dependent on him and talks to/treats her like shit, excusable with 'mental illness?'. Particularly when said man manages to function perfectly well with other people, just dumps the shit on his DW behind closed doors. So what if he's 'different' now? People can and do change all the time, especially when they're brewing over a life situation they now find themselves in, and are restless. Men are given way too many excuses for disrespectful behaviour towards the women who are ther lifepartners

If his life responsibilities are bothering him and he wants changes and/or wants out then he owes you an explanation, OP. Not cruel verbals. Hopefully you'll get that from him then you can decide what to do next. In the meantime it would do no harm to quietly seek legal advice to see where you stand if things do get worse. Good luck.

I think there's more to it and it's more deep seated. He lost his parents young and tragically. Was he well parented? Does he have good role models from his past? Is he perhaps panicking because he sees his children growing up and reaching the stage where his own parents stopped coping and doesn't know what coping and living and learning to live and change together means. If you met when you were 14 and have been together for 15 years you are both still awfully young and have been through a lot together. It sounds to me as though he is entering unchartered territory and is frightened. Doesn't excuse his behaviour but perhaps explains it.

How old are you both OP? Do you think he's just having a mid life crisis about all the responsibility?

In normal circs, I'd totally agree with you, Mistress - but a man who lost both parents via a suicide pact as a teenager is probably either dealing with, or repressing, some serious MH issues.

There probably is more to this than bog-standard, piss-taking man behaviour.

Oh love so upsetting and confusing

JapaneseMargaret yes - that is a terrible situation.

But at the risk of sounding harsh (which I don't mean to), I don't feel it bestows a right to upset lifepartner & children. & a lot of these men are extremely adept at hiding issues in order to get the woman in the 1st place..if they showed their real faces it would be a different thing.

I have my own reasons for feeling certain men will get away with traumatising women to the point of causing major emotional stress and negative impact, because of whats happened in their childhood that they haven't sought help for. Ultimately if they haven't sought help I believe someone else will always do penance and pay for their past - and it won't be their friends, or acquaintances, or work colleagues - it will be the woman they've chosen as a lifepartner. You just need to give it time.

OP will have a heavy cross to bear and whilst I hope her DH gets help with any issues he may have, which I still see no evidence of as mental illness, I hope OP has RL support so her feelings aren't trampled. Although she sounds pretty clued up, thankfully. She matters too.

Shocked just to let you know I am thinking of you. Take care.

Hi everyone...just wanted to post an update.

I talked to DH last night, and he was very contrite. He said he will never again say that he will keep money as he says he does see it as family money and that he is ashamed he said he would do that. He also said that even though he has everything he could wish for, he feels very sad inside. He said he loves our little family, his job, our home and also my family (parents, sisters etc.) but that over the last while he cannot lift his spirits at all. We're going to make an appointment tomorrow morning at his GP.

I told him that his belligerence towards me is something I will not accept, and that I have not yet forgiven him....I might never. I was in shock after what he did...freezing cold, and so I cannot forgive him UNTIL I feel sure he is getting the help he needs. I again told him there will be no alcohol in the house, and he agreed. One day at a time I guess. I told him all that I wrote on this thread...that I felt like a stranger had taken his place and he had no answer to that. To be honest, I still don't know what is going on here.

Thanks so much again to EVERYONE, but especially you Emotion. You were so kind to me and I will never forget it!! xxx

I'm pleased that you had a good talk, and I hope further conversations and the trip to the GP bring the resolution you deserve. Thanks for the update.

Thanks Annie...and thank YOU for your advice and support!!

I will let you know again how it goes.

Shocked thanks for coming back and updating, I was thinking about you off and on all day yesterday and hoping you had been able to sit down and talk and find out what had gone so wrong.

I am also extremely glad that your DH has agreed to go to his GP, will he let you go with him so you can both detail the sudden change in him? I say this because my DH has PTSD and depression, under control now, due to two very traumatic experiences in his life. Most of his life he had been able to deal with both these experiences without any medical or other help but when we came under a lot of stress, these experiences became too difficult for him to deal with and he spiralled into depression to the point he was suicidal. I got hold of a very good male friend and explained what was happening and we both took my DH to the doctor so we could explain fully what was going on, DH struggled to vocalise it all.

Your DH has clearly had traumatic experiences in his life, and although your life sounds good, he has a good job, a lovely wife and family, you seem sound financially, it maybe that these experiences have reared their ugly head in his concious and he is struggling to put them back in their box. Maybe he fears things are too good and sooner or later these demons will strike and he is going on the defensive in advance.

I hope your DH gets the help he needs and if he does he will come through it and realise how lucky he is to have a wife and family who are prepared to stick by him. He has admitted a problem and seems keen to sort it, I am sure you will get your fantastic husband back, he is still in there and I am sure he also wants to be that man again.

Sending you all the best and as much virtual support as I can!

Good luck. >>>hugs