Feel like DH has been kidnapped with a changeling in his place

[Shockedisanunderstatement]

I have name changed, mainly out of embarrassment as I have previously written about my 'fantastic' husband. My DH has always been very good and kind, but over the last week (we have been together 15 years with two children aged 4 and 1) he has announced that he is going to keep half his wages for himself. I am a SAHM who relies on him completely to pay for everything - mortgage, bills, groceries.... I can't believe he would do this to me, and his family!! He also said if he progresses any further in his career the he will keep any extra that he has earned. I can't believe he would do this to his children.

He also is drinking very heavily lately, and he gets extremely verbally abusive. This is a very recent thing (within the past three months) as before he used to almost never drink.

I doubt very much there is another woman, but cannot guarantee it. He does work very hard at his job but recently seems to resent providing for his family and me.

I don't think I can forgive this. He had promised when I was pregnant with DD1 that he would ALWAYS give everything to us, his family. Now he is reneging on that, I feel he has betrayed us.

I told him I wouldn't stay with him if he tried this on, and he said that I am obviously only with him for his money!!!! Is he stupid?? WHY would I stay with a man who promised to provide for his children (and I gave up MY career when he said that) only to take it all back?! Are they supposed to live in poverty while he lives it up??

I was in absolute shock yesterday when it all came out. I went from thinking I had a good husband to thinking that he has turned into a complete selfish idiot almost overnight.

I don't really know what advice I am asking....I suppose I am just utterly confused as to why this man could so quickly change like this. I feel like I have never known him and if he doesn't do something to make COMPLETE amends, then I know I will leave. No way will I put up with this!

Trump...thanks so much for sharing that!! I do feel it is a LOT for DH...he shoulders every bill and expense we have. He also said he feels useless once this is all done, as he is at work so much he doesn't do much around the house.

I think the answer is to talk to him and also to look for some kind of part time job - I don't mind what it is!!

North....he used to play online poker but he won most of the time...the thought however did occur to me that maybe he wasn't winning as much as he said he was.

I agree with Trump that it's easy to say you'll look after the family before said family arrives, but you don't actually know how it will make you feel until you're in that situation, and by then it's too late.

Obviously you can't go on as you are but you do need to talk about what's really happening. Would it be worth trying Relate or similar just so there is an impartial party there?

Sounds like something is up. Quite what it's hard to say. Could be trouble at work, stress at work, an affair or general discontent with the set up of his family life. Gambling a possiblity. But something is up and you have to try to find out what it is. This hasn't come out of the blue. But general breakdown is possible.

I agree that it can become a burden being the person solely responsble for all the finances in a family. And just because a person agrees to this doesn't mean in a few years time they might change their minds. Same as an SAHP might want to get a job even though they may have been happy to stay at home for a period.

I'm slightly confused here- if you get a job, will you be stashing 50% away?
Does he think you are a spendthrift and frittering away family money? Not his money, family money. And of course, if you work, I assume he will be taking on extra tasks ( like cleaning the loos) not just cherry picking fun stuff with the dc.

The drinking sounds bad tbh. As does the pushing off for a night out after ridiculing you and expecting you to babysit.

Sit down with him and talk about it, but if he's hungover or drunk you'll have to wait.

Ah Shocked regarding your comments re his work it makes the whole change of character even more baffling. Is it at all possible that the promotions/pressure of work are the problem though?

It just seems so odd that someone you have known intimately for 15 years should change so suddenly. If his heart would break if he lost you all, why is he doing this as it is guaranteed to push you away? I would find it very hard to forgive and forget his behaviour in front of your friends. If he cares about very little outside of you and your children why on earth does he need extra money and want to spend it without including you? It just doesn't add up. His actions are a complete contradiction to the statements of how he would be devastated if he lost you all.

I hope for all your sakes you get to the bottom of what is going on, it must be horrendous for you to not recognise the person you thought he was.

I understand how difficult it is to be the sole breadwinner, but if this is the issue why on earth couldn't he discuss it rationally with you.

If you manage to find out what the underlying problem is, and irrespective of if you get a part-time job, could you sit down and make your financial arrangements more formal, i.e., x amount for household bills, x amount for him to with as he pleases, x amount for you to do with as you please, and you both have complete knowledge of what comes in and goes out? That way you won't be so reliant on his good nature, financially he seems to be holding the sword of damacles above your head and that is not fair on you or the children.

Having said all that I think the dynamic between you and in your relationship has been totally altered and I wonder if you will ever be able to see him in the same light again.

Lavender no....he knows I spend nothing on myself!! Myself and DDs eat cheaply...we make dinners out of vegetables and cheap cuts. He however, eats only ready meals....so MUCH more expensive!! I make dinner and he doesn't eat it.

I shouted at him and told him the cost of living is horrendous....He said he didn't realise the amount of money we need to spend...he said he didn't realise BT, car insurance, electricity, gas, car tax, hard fuel, petrol, groceries, clothes and shoes for DDs, credit card bill when we bought new beds...apparently he didn't know any of this!!

I don't know if that means he has wised up or not!!

Emotion, I had the heat on this morning at 10 am...it was a lovely day but I was freezing!! I felt vomity and sick and I know that is the shock of what he has said and done. My blood runs cold when I think of what my friends must be thinking and saying....can't bear to think about it!!!!!!

He is just so different. He really is lovely - until recently!!!

Or, how about billing him for all the "services" you provide through being a SAHM that he would have to pay for if you weren't around? Out of that half of his wages he's thinking he'll keep back for himself?

The more you post Shocked the more it appears that money is the issue and that your DH resents providing all the money. I do also think there is more to it, as others have suggested gambling, debt, he has been overspending on something or other hence his shock when you told him how much it costs to run the house.

If it is the problem, maybe you can sit down and do a proper financial breakdown and work on it together, however, if this is what it is I still think he has been an absolute dick in his behaviour.

Shocked I really feel for you but I am sure your friends will be concerned for you and not judging you, and I am really sorry if I have upset you.

Clam, I did exactly that...only verbally!! He acted all confused and just kept saying but you're a SAHM...that's what you do!!!! He didn't get it at all!

Emotion....he is being an absolute dick!! That is it exactly, no matter what is going on here he has NO RIGHT to make me feel so worried about paying the bills and looking after our beautiful wonderful daughters!!!!! (I feel like falling to pieces when I look at them...they deserve better than a dad who doesn't want to look after them).

The thing is, even if he is feeling resentful about being the sole earner (which I can understand), the logical solution to that problem is to talk about it, discuss the issues as a partnership and look at solutions together, not turn into an abusive wanker.

Just to let you know, my DH is our sole provider and he is a terrible worrier about money, we have had difficulties in the past by making stupid decisions and he spiralled into depression because of it. I now have the dubious honour of dealing with all the finances, it was a struggle at the start but it works fine now. He now longer worries and I quite like being in control!

Annie..exactly!!! He can definitely talk to me....he talked to me before about his abusive parents and his family, so there is no reason at all for him to keep stuff from me!!

Emotion that is the thing....it WORKS the way we have it!! He gave me money and I took care of bills, groceries, DDs' clothes and shoes, fuel....you name it!!! I told him if he keeps his money, red bills would come through the door. I think that shook him a bit.

He just has NO appreciation of what I do...as Clam said, I am childminder, cleaner, secretary, chauffeur, gardener, cook.....He has NO idea!

How awful, sounds like there is definitely something up, whether midlife crisis, OW, breakdown or who knows? I think you need to do some digging to see what he is hiding from you.

I had a husband. He complained that I (then a sahm) was 'taking all his money'. He had another woman. We divorced.

Your husband might be suffering from workplace stress.

Getting a part time job won't do you any harm. But have your plan B in place in case of further revelations.

Shocked not only do your wonderful daughters deserve better, so do YOU.

Annie has it spot on, you are both in a partnership problems need to be solved together.

When I pressed him he said he is fed up that he does not have a disposable income anymore...he used to have some quite expensive hobbies like cycling and golf, and I know he misses them.

Well, you have even LESS disposable income, thanks to having given up you job entirely, in order to support him and your children.

What does he say to that?

It's not just him that's hard done by anymore, thanks to the two of you starting a family.

I read your thread title and immediately thought OW, but on reading the actual thread, I don't think that is necessarily what is going on.

I have noticed something of a pattern on here of men acting quite disrespectfully towards their wives once they become SAHMs. They cease to see them as the whole person they got together with, and instead see them as the household skivvy. It's incredibly damaging.

You need to better understand why he, all of sudden, feels as if he is the number one priority in your family set-up; why you and the kids are relegated to the bottom of the pile. What's so special about him, suddenly?

It may be that he feels an enormous amount of pressure to bring home 100% of the bacon. It is a huge responsibility. Overwhelming, even. That doesn't excuse the way he's behaving though, not at all.

Definitely time to do some digging, and talk to each other about what is going on, what his fears are, and try to get to the bottom of whatever's brought about this fairly radical change of behaviour.

Have to say - the slagging you off, and betraying our confidence to friends in a drunken rage is bizarre enough to signal more than just your average, garden-variety, dissatisfaction with life...

Thanks Emotion..and Will and Sugar!!

I will talk to him tomorrow!! Something is up here and I want to know what!

I'll be back (in best Arnie voice)

Margaret...more food for thought!!! You are right...he lacks respect for me as a SAHM!!! Everyday he says, 'Put your feet up..' WHAT??? With children are you mad??? I think he thinks being a SAHM is nothing.

FWIW I think this sounds like a man not dealing well with responsibility - maybe egged on by friends who seem to have more fun and more spare cash? - and has got stuck in a cycle of self-pity, resentment, blame etc. Could be that his job isn't quite as secure as he's letting on. Could be he's feeling that he missed out on 'lost youth' (did you get together relatively young?) Whatever's going on I think you deserve some honesty at the very least.

Best of luck Shocked and use that Arnie voice on your DH! If he does bemoan the lack of money for his hobbies, just remind him of all the things you were able to spend money on before you both decided you would be a SAHM - I am sure there is a long list!

Japanese I guess you may be right about a sudden lack of respect for SAHM's from their partners, oddly though in both sets of my grandparents, my mum and my in-laws the SAHM was the one who wielded all the power and was definitely respected. You didn't cross the women in my family and extended family, they held the purse strings and a lot more very tight!!!

Maybe a place to start is for both of you to sit down over income and outgoings. It sounds like at the moment he hands the money over and you deal with all the financial stuff and it is a bit opaque. Maybe someone has told him he shouldn't be putting up with that.

But that wouldn't really wholly explain this sea change in his attitude.

See how you can get on with a chat with him or maybe counselling if he's willing.

Cog yes...we were 14 when we got together. He lost his parents soon after that (suicide pact) and he had no siblings. He works for a global company and is considered a Star....we have a beautiful house in the country with everything you can imagine but for some reason right now it isn't enough for him!!!! I know he loves our DDs....he is besotted with them in fact!!

..............He just came on the phone to say he loved me and DDS!!! He sounded happier....I don't know what to think.

I'm going to bed now - thank you everyone SO much and I will update after our talk!!!

Unfortunately, and speaking from bitter experience, my first thought was gambling too.

I very much hope it isn't but from what you've said it seems there's something. I'm glad you're planning to sit down and talk to him.