'Why doesn't she just leave?'... extreme example why not

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-27508752

The story of a 25yo woman in the US, abducted at 15 and recently rediscovered is in the news today. Thought it was a good example for anyone who is witness to an abusive relationship (or even in one) and who is baffled why the victim doesn't just up and leave. As with some previous similar cases, the woman in this instance wasn't locked and chained when found. Their 'prison' may have been physical initially but it became a psychological one of fear, isolation and misinformation. Common themes for victims of DV. Worth thinking abut.

I saw a rather distressing episode of Judge Judy (I know, I know...) where a woman had her children removed when her partner beat her 5 year old son so badly his scrotum was ruptured and his testicle was hanging out.

This partner had been minding her three children whilst she was at work.
Under Judge Judy's interrogation it became apparent that this woman had been beaten regularly in front of her children for about a year. Her children were taken by Social Services (or American equivalent) when she brought her lad to A&E. He had never hurt the children before this incident.

Judge Judy utterly destroyed her, saying she was a "Sicko" for allowing a violent man to care for the children and if she had any influence the mother would never have her children again.

I could not help wonder how low had this man brought her before this happened that she would suffer to live like this. I did not think that Judge Judy was right to express her opinion using such language although I agree that the mother must have had poor mental health.

There but for the grace of God, eh?

Thank god the children are away from him. So upsetting to read. Can't imagine what the mother went through but by god those poor kids.

Living in constant fear of violence is bound to have a detrimental effect on someone's mental health over time. It's also going to influence their judgement of what is normal or tolerable. People are remarkably resilient and able to adapt in order to survive. You can see the rationalising process all the time on this board, in fact. 'He's good with the kids'... 'other people think he's very nice'.... 'no-one else would want me'.... 'he doesn't hit me any more'.... 'I know he loves me really, he just doesn't know how to show it'.

I think the point is that victims of Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse are not 'sickos' or weak and they don't have MH issues necessarily. Manipulation and fear, if correctly applied, can make anyone act the same way

I don't think onlookers realise the emotional and psychological hold these men (or women) have over us, hence the 'why don't you just leave' statement. I can't even begin to describe it of fully understand it myself. The best way I can explain my experience is to describe it at as erosion and dependence, which then instilled fear and was fleshed out with bouts of extreme kindness.

He slowly and subvertly chipped away at my confidence around others, tiny remarks about my personality or ability to fit in that summed up to this - 'you are awkward in social situations, people don't like or want to know you, but I do, and I'm saying this because I love you and don't want you to be hurt.'

And so he successfully eroded my self esteem and I became dependent on him for my 'boost'.

He would then leave or threaten to leave if I 'stepped out of line', throwing me into a panic, begging him to come home/stay because 'no one else would want me.' (see erosion of self esteem).

When I was pregnant with DD1, we discussed me leaving my part time job and being a full time mum. At the time it appeared he wanted the 'traditional' family and although I was hesitant, I agreed.

Cue complete financial dependence on him. It was only after DD1 was born and I got ctc and cb in my name that I realised how financially controlled I'd been.

These abusive people successfully turn themselves into a drug that even though you know it's bad, you can't seem to escape from. It seems to be a mixture of manipulation, emotional blackmail and very cleverly calculated burst of sweet, kind behaviour.

There were many straws that finally accumulated to a whole hay stack and I finally walked.

He still attempts to control and manipulate from afar but his hold is getting weaker and weaker the stronger and happier I become. He has lost and I have my life back.

My parents were fond of saying 'just chuck him out' or 'don't take him back' or 'just leave'. If only I could've communicated why I didn't do it earlier. Even now I've left they still consider me weak for waiting so long, which makes me so sad.

Sorry but it's selfishness imo, any woman who allows herself to be beaten black and blue in front of her kids for a year and then allows him to beat up her child is not worthy of having children.

I don't care what the man has done to her head, it's your children ffs.

CurtWild edges exactly my situation to the word.

Jan45 Selfishness doesn't play any part in deciding to stay when yourself and/or children are at risk. That's what I used to get too. 'She's staying despite everything ... because she loves him '

No. I stayed because of the magnitude of the reasons CurtWild gives above, and then some.

....Living in constant fear of violence is bound to have a detrimental effect on someone's mental health over time.......

I'd actually shorten that to just 'Living in constant fear'....

Timely and thought-provoking OP, Cogito.

Sorry unless you are devoid of a brain you are fully aware of the effect it's having on your children, if you want to stay with a man who beats you up then go ahead, give your children to social services to be fostered out or adopted.

Lucky for you that you were brought up in a normal healthy environment that enabled you to see when something is wrong. Do you know what that woman's back ground is? Do you know if she was actually raised in a far more abusive environment and so considered that her boyfriend 'only' beating 'only' her was an improvement on how she was raised? Do you know whether she is in the 6th generation of an abusive family where women were routinely and consistently abused and had no choice but to accept it?

Do you know families like these exist?

You dont seem very aware that they do.

Leaving abuse is so much harder than just leaving an unhappy relationship.
We know it will be incredibly hard. Certainly harder than keep on going and "managing" the abuse. So, we usually need to hit our rock bottom, which may be different for different people.
I know that if I didn't have my own well paid job, family support and still some decent self-esteem, I wouldn't have left exH when I did. It was still hard and I gave him more chances than he deserved, and felt more sorry for him than I should. I was certainly afraid of the consequences, but it's not only that.

Stockholm syndrome is well known and it must have played some part in this abduction.

You're an idiot

A dangerous idiot

Luckily your opinion on my intellectual state means jack shit to me but hey with a name like SillyBilly, that explains it.

Explains what btw?

Jan45, until that point the husband had not attacked their children.

It's easy to be convinced that attacks are not attacks, but parts of arguments, and arguments are very much your fault, so there's no way the father will harm the children.

Which is not to say that the children should not be taken into care if the mother fails to protect them. I just wouldn't vilify the woman. These women need proper support, not name calling.

Sorry unless you are devoid of a brain you are fully aware of the effect it's having on your children, if you want to stay with a man who beats you up then go ahead, give your children to social services to be fostered out or adopted.

Ignorant comments like that are often part of the reason some women are afraid to come forward and report domestic abuse.

It's not as black and white as you may think. It's very different seeing it from the outside than being in the situation itself.

Of course the children should be taking into care, the first mistake that woman made is not being instrumental in protecting her children, she allowed a man to beat her black and blue for a year, in front of them, that in itself, imo, is abuse.

And yes this woman does need help but the priority is the safety of the kids, mentally and physically.

Alice, I suggest you read my posts correctly, my response isn't a general one to women suffering DA, it's to the post above. I do know there are all levels of DA.

I doubt very much my comments are stopping anyone coming forward to report abuse, they don't do it for various reasons, my opinion isn't one of them.

She "allowed herself" to be beaten black and blue? Really? Worst case of victim blaming I've ever seen.

Ignorant twat.

Yes, CurtWild, I understand totally how that happened to you as my ex tried that sort of stuff on me, though fortunately I was in a very good situation socially, so his efforts to isolate me didn't work as well as they might have, I hadn't experienced DV growing up and it still took the help of my mother to get me out of the situation.

Jan45, I understand the point you are making, but you will not be able to have empathy with these women until you have actually fallen victim to this situation, which I hope never happens. I was just like you until it happened to me.

Jan45 you have absolutely no idea. Do you know anyone who has suffered dv?

Unfortunately though this is how many people think.

That she was beaten in front of the children is abuse, but not by her. Him. He is responsible for it.

She is a victim as much as they are. Sure, she has more autonomy, but children can also report abuse to teachers and other adults.
That is one thing I have tried to instill in my son. That he can report bad things to people, including the police.

Clearly she felt trapped somehow.
She may have feared for her life and of her children if she left.