'Why doesn't she just leave?'... extreme example why not

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-27508752

The story of a 25yo woman in the US, abducted at 15 and recently rediscovered is in the news today. Thought it was a good example for anyone who is witness to an abusive relationship (or even in one) and who is baffled why the victim doesn't just up and leave. As with some previous similar cases, the woman in this instance wasn't locked and chained when found. Their 'prison' may have been physical initially but it became a psychological one of fear, isolation and misinformation. Common themes for victims of DV. Worth thinking abut.

Exactly, Eduardo

Ok, after a little googling.
On the Judge Judy case, it seems that man was not the boy's father, and the mother moved in with him after one year of being beaten by him (possibly to make her move in?) allegedly and she seems to have changed the story later.

I'm coming from the children's perspective- I was taken out of the care of my birth parents as a young child. My brother was 13 and is mentally and physically scarred to this day, and I would say moreso than my birth mother. She isn't the one who's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, she isn't the one with complex PTSD, she isn't the one who's mother put her husband above us or the one with scars- my brother suffered all of that as well as the emotional manipulation.

I know she was being manipulated and abused, but it fell to my brother to 'save' us- he was the one who told, he was the reason my birth mother was free and he was a kid who had much less means than an adult and had been brought up thinking it was all normal.

We both blame her (obviously not solely her, she wasn't the one actually doing anything at all- but then that was one of the problems) and yes she was a victim too, but she had a lot more power than the children.

Jock, is your ex in prison now? Was he prosecuted for what he did?

Went trugh a lot of mental and verbal abuse which went for a few years

One my world even quite one was enough to set him of
During all that time I was made to believe it's all my foult
Twisting was his very strong side

At one point he grab my neck shouting that he would kill me if I ever want to leave and take his child away

I left finally
for very long time I couldn't even look at myself blaming only myself for staying that long

I know she was being manipulated and abused, but it fell to my brother to 'save' us- he was the one who told, he was the reason my birth mother was free and he was a kid who had much less means than an adult and had been brought up thinking it was all normal

We both blame her (obviously not solely her, she wasn't the one actually doing anything at all- but then that was one of the problems) and yes she was a victim too, but she had a lot more power than the children

Fringehead, you definitely bring a fresh and necessary other perspective to this thread. It's all very well Jan getting the verbal beating she did on this thread, but no one really asked what the victim children of these victim mothers think, what they are entitled to think, who they blame. Like you, I agree your mother was to blame, agreed not solely, not mainly, but as much as a victim she is/was, as scarey as thing would have been for her, as afraid as she was, you two kids were more victims than she. She had far more ability to get help than either of you had. Yet it was your poor brother who finally got you all out that situation. It saddens me beyond words that your brothers scars are deeper than those of your mother. Please don't let any of the many "the victim mother is not to blame" comments on this thread get to you. You lived it, you are entitled to feel as you do and to apportion blame where you see fit. FWIW although my own situation was nowhere near half as dire as your FOO, I too also blame my mother. She failed dismally in her duty to us.

How do you feel about your fathers?
Which do you blame the most?

It seems very common that abused children often blame the parent who wouldn't protect them. Rightly in a way. And certainly some mothers will put their love life ahead of their children.
However, when the parent is also abused and fears for the lives of her children if she leaves, is she to blame? Leaving can be very risky for all involved, particularly if the mother fears that the father will get unsupervised access to the children. Mothers in abusive relationships can be often convinced that the fathers will get not only access but may get custody, or will simply take the children. It's a common threat.
Often the children who end up blaming the mothers don't know her side of the story. How, in most cases, in a misguided way she thought she was ultimately protecting the children.

Often the children who end up blaming the mothers don't know her side of the story. How, in most cases, in a misguided way she thought she was ultimately protecting the children

and often the children do know the full story, but the mother saying "well I stayed because I thought that was best for you children" is just her way of protecting her self image, deflecting blame, refusal to admit she could have and should have done way more to ensure the safety of her children.

I am not saying I don't believe every single woman who comes out with this line, some might be genuine, but I don't believe a lot of them as protecting ones self image is a powerful coping mechanism.

How do you feel about your fathers? Which do you blame the most?

I already said I find the abusive fathers in these situations more to blame, but it is very hard to put a figure on it. I don't think it's 50-50, no. But I also don't think it's 90% the father, 10% the mother either.

Like Fringehead above said, her brother knew nothing else but the abuse, was born into it and knew no other way of living, he was a child and was scared, he had nothing on his side, not even the credibility/believability that adulthood brings, yet at 13 he still managed to stop the abuse. I don't think any of us would deny that Fringehead's mother didn't have all the tools available to her that an emotionally well adjusted woman would have at her disposal, but she sure as hell more tools available to her than her 13 yr old son had. But he still managed to do a better job with his tiny tool kit than she did with her better kitted out one.

I blame my birth father the most.

But we never depended on him in the same way we felt we did with our mother. So we never had the same sort of attachment and because she could be lovely and so on, it hurts more in a way, almost a betrayal. It's a lot easier to blame her as well- and she wasn't the one doing it, she was a victim of our birth father but we were a victim of both him and also her passiveness.

I don't know her full story, it's impossible, she fell into a horrible relationship but she also trapped us in that too. I only know our side of things and I think her responsibility was to us as well. It would be a lot harder to leave if you had DC and I am grateful that I haven't experienced it. She isn't a winner in the situation (I don't think there could be a winner) but a grown adult with her own job- even if the wages didn't come to her- has a lot more power than the children in the situation and has a lot more opportunities.

She had anything but an easy time of it and I don't underestimate how hard it would be to leave, but my brother was the one who had no real escape route, who was caught between staying and suffering and leaving everything he'd ever known into a system where all he'd heard were horror stories and he had to think of me too- he was ultimately the one who did her job of protecting me. That weight of responsibility has damaged our relationship forever.

I do sometimes wonder what I'd do in that situation and I honestly have no idea, I don't think anybody could unless they'd lived it and I am lucky I have never been in such a relationship. There is no easy way out.

I think our sexist society plays a huge part in abuse. Women are encouraged 'to make things work no matter what. ' it was only last year that my family were encouraging me to stay with an ex who smoked weed... Even though they hate weed as much as I do! But I should be greatful for crumbs apparently.